I am so frustrated

Since every1 has their own set of problems and are sick of hearing mine, I will just blog from now on. I can't talk to any1 anymore. I am STILL grieving over the loss of my boyfriend,and I HATE it. So does everyone else...Sometimes it's.. "Oh what's wrong? Talk to me." But since it's about my boyfriend,they irritated with me again. It was only 6 months ago that I lost him. How soon does everybody expect me to move on? I wish I COULD. I believe me I wish I could. This pain just WILL NOT go away! =,( I am so SICK of people trying to match make me with someone,or getting pissed off at me because I mention my boyfriend. "That's a chapter in your life you need to close the book on."..."You remember your boyfriend A LOT don't u?" "No matter how much you cry over him,it won't bring him back." NO SHIT! I've heard it all a million times. NOBODY gets it! NOBODY has had to go through what I am going through! ok, no GUY anyway. It's all GUYS that are being this damned assanine just because some of them WANT me. Like this creepy guard at my job. He's like 72 or something! He's old enough to be my GRANDFATHER,and he has GRANDKIDS MY age!! oh..did I mention he's MARRIED???!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! The things he has SAID to me that both creep me out and piss me off at the same time.

 Wanting to make LOVE to me?? telling me I have a beautiful long NECK??? He's CREEPY!!!!! Just because my boyfriend died does NOT give u the excuse to make a MOVE ON ME!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! I have some friends who seem to care about me to a point,but even THEY get annoyed with me,and tell me I am playing the "pity me. pity me" game. FINE! I won't talk about it anymore, ok? I won't talk about ANYTHING anymore. I'm DONE! That's y I will just blog. This is 1 more thing that makes me miss my boyfriend that MUCH MORE. I could ALWAYS talk to him about ANYTHING. NO matter how much it bothered me or for how long! I knew he would always listen to me,and I knew he would comfort me. He was always there for me. I can't say that about any1 else. They  get sick of me. My boyfriend NEVER did. Tell me, God, y the HELL did I have to lose him????? It's so UNFAIR!! =,(

Oh, so I "tune people out". Yeah? so WHAT if I do???? I can't let people in. They'll disappoint me. There will come a time when no1 will be there for me,so I try like hell not to get attached to any1-ESPECIALLY if that person is a GUY..a guy I might end up developing feelings for. I HATE it! I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and misunderstood all at once; all by different people. I'm trying to go back to being antisocial coz nobody understands me ANYWAY! I feel so much pressure! On top of that, I have friends who have pushed me to go to church w/them,and I have met other ppl there too...but there is 1 guy who is divorced,has no family here,and he sometimes says some things to me that make me very uncomfortable. I want to be helpful and encouraging to others,but it's very hard when I'm in desperate need of it myself. I MISS MY BOYFRIEND! I MISS HIM! MISS HIM! MISS HIM! He was the only 1 who NEVER got sick of me. The only 1 who I could always go to no matter how upset I was,and he would be there for me. Loving me instead of pissing all over my cornflakes about what bugs me! Of all people, WHY HIM???!!  WHY did HE have to die???!! It isn't fair! I miss him so much!!! =,( =,( =,( I have no where to turn to anymore. I'm on my own now. I'll just keep blogging to vent coz I just can't talk to ANY1 about anything anymore. =,(

Tears

tears. tears. go away. Never come back another day.
Know this right now, that no matter how many of u I shed..
It will never be enough to ease the pain..
No matter how many I shed, nothing will ever bring him back..
tears. tears. please go?
You will never be enough to ease my pain.
I will cry and cry and somewhat "feel better" for a while..
but out of the blue-
any little thing-
like the holidays or his birthday-
or some random memory will come into play..
making me think of him and how much I miss him
and I will just cry and cry all over again.
Please leave me be?
I don't want to hurt anymore.
tears. tears. so MANY tears.
nothing will ever erase the memories that are nothing but MEMORIES now
because he is gone,and we cannot make new ones.
Tears. tears. just GO AWAY!
He is gone and will NEVER come back.
Just let me be.
Let me move on with my life.
I just want it to stop hurting.

I have 2 get this out SOMEWHERE lol

I don't want 2 admit this 2 ANY1-not even my own best friend.  I def do not approve of the way  things work out even if the outcome is "positive." the thing is-I have a crush on a married man. yep. I know I have done this before,but at least the married man I crushed on before was not someone I personally know. he was a celebrity who this kinda thing is expected to happen to him I guess. I dunno. wanna know the irony? he's a PASTOR. yep. pastor of the church a few friends of mine talked me into going to because I was falling apart in the WORST ways over losing Rob(my boyfriend). All this man was supposed to do was help me. I had a lot of questions,and he had answers. my faith is not 100%-not even 50%,and I needed some advice. some kind of "therapy" if u will. He was a HUGE help,and even made me feel a lot better than I had in 6 months over losing the love of my life. ok, well, I was NOT supposed to get a crush on him. this was NOT part of the plan at ALL. so this is driving me bananas,and nobody I personally know reads my blogs,so this is where I will get this out at. each time I see this pastor, I go more gaga over him. the thing that sucks is that he flirts w/me. I dunno if he is REALLY attracted to me,or if he is goofing around/trying to boost my self-esteem. either way, I LIKE it,and I shouldn't. =( he is MARRIED and has 3 kids. but I amm SO attracted to him. I get GOOFY when I'm around him. I smile like an idiot. I think about him A LOT. I KNOW I will NEVER act on this crush. I will never try 2 kiss him,sleep w/him,or even so much as hold his hand,but he does hug me,and I don't mind. he hugs every1else from church too,so it isn't really so bad. besides, what am I gonna do? say, "oh, I'm sorry. u can't hug me anymore because I have a huge crush on u,and I enjoy it way too much. u r married,so I cannot accept this." it's idiotic! am I supposed 2 turn down a hug just because I ENJOY it? even if I'm getting  it from a married man? isn't everything to do w/God supposed to give us joy somehow? HE trusts me, lol. I mean, in a way, I guess u could say God sent me this man's direction to begin w/- KNOWING I was gonna develop a GIGANTIC crush on  him. lol it doesn't help that he sometimes calls me a "beauty" or "cutie". HEY! stop exciting me like that! u MUST not encourage me like that! DON'T!! I LIKE it,and I SHOULDN'T! I know I will never act on this crush,but I fear if it continues 2 grow,it will become OBVIOUS to every1. I don't want certain ppl(especially not him OR his WIFE) to figure out I LIKE him. I would never be able 2 face these ppl again. =( my crush HAS been getting bigger all the time. I don't think there has EVER been a time in all my history that somebody somewhere has NOT found out about my having a crush and who it's on. lol. but DAMN he is CUUUUUUUUUUUTE! he is FIIIIIIIIIIINE!  *drools* he has become my damn HEART THROB! but I shall keep that to myself. I am not a homewrecker. never have been. never will be. I am a PROFESSIONAL at denying myself-at least when it comes to men. lol. I just had 2 get this out of my system. I LIKE THE GUY!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS CRUSH ON HIM! AHHHHHHHH! ok, now it's (kinda) out of my system. lol

what is a crush?

What is a crush?
A crush is something that comes when u least expect it.
A crush is something that can get u into serious trouble.
A crush is a sort of soft spot u have for somebody-almost like being in love only not as strong.
A crush is something that sneaks up on u and usually, happens upon a person u should NOT be noticing.
A crush is something that can make u feel guilty for having it.
A crush is something that every1 recognizes as having and wishing they didn't.
A crush is something that sits and ferments in the mind bringing u joy one minute and despair the next.
A crush is sometimes something I will gladly talk about to my friends,but in this particular case, I should prolly keep it deep down and buried,and wait for it blow over.
A crush is something that makes u act seriously retarded.
A crush makes a simple little hug or compliment make u way more excited than u should be.
A crush is something that can make u ashamed of urself; something that will make u feel sick inside.
A crush is a mental disease not recognized by pyschologists.
A crush is something that makes ur blood boil,and ur very flesh sing at the slightest touch.
A crush puts a dopey grin on ur face.
A crush is this crazy little thing that puts us all in a VERY awkward position/state of mind.
God only knows about this stupid little crush.
Forgive me, Lord for having a crush that is off-limits.
Forgive me,for this crush CANNOT-MUST NOT grow w/hopes of something coming from it.

I feel I am constantly changing-even more than I did becoming an adult

It as officially been 6 months-half a year- since my boyfriend passed away,and in all this time I have been trying to find a God I am not 100% sure even exists(yet I'm not an atheist either). My boyfriend was a drug addict who was actually trying to turn from those ways(for me. He had told me he was doing it for me.). I tried to convince him he needed to do it for himself and his kids too. I prayed over him all the time because I have heard so many stories about heavy drug addicts who finally turned their lives around. They get cleaned up and stay cleaned up. They find something constructive to do w/their lives. Some of them are even testimonies to others,and I always wanted my boyfriend to be 1 of those testimony stories. He was also an alcoholic and suicidal. This is not what he died from however. I FINALLY found out last month that he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. I was always worried about him even when he was alive, so I prayed over him CONSTANTLY. I was SCARED I was gonna lose him...and I did. Finally. I have been batteling every emotion u can think of. I've always been a loose cannon emotionally anyway,but losing my boyfriend shook me to my core. Ever felt like maybe u should be locked up in an asylum? That's how I've been feeling for months. I miss him all the time. The grief was ROUGH on me. I barely ate anything for days..maybe a week. I can't remember how long I did that for,but it was enough to make me lose weight apparently. It's been 6 months since this happened,and to this DAY, those who know me; see me around almost daily, continue to tell me that I lost weight. I don't know how it is I'm still losing weight when I eat again,and I drink soda too. I went right back to same habits I had prior to losing my boyfriend,but I'm still being told that I look thinner; I lost weight. Anyway, point is, I've been battling anger along w/depression. I have been struggling,trying not be angry w/God for taking my boyfriend after BEGGING him not to. I said, "what's the point in bringing a wonderful man into my life just to take him away from me again? What kinda "gift" do u take back?" That hardly seems fair!

Anyway, my friends, Brandy and Sherry talked me into going to their church w/them sometime,and I'm glad I did because I like it there. At 1st I felt like an imposter. Going to church and all when I don't have as much faith as my friends. I'm not CONVINCED like they are,and I don't like "going thru the motions." I was actually introduced to their pastor,and he's a total sweet heart. I had a counseling session w/him yesterday,and I actually had a great time. He said he just wanted 2 get 2 know me,and not push any religion on me. He reminded me of something I knew anyway: That a relationship w/God is different from religion. He told me about his own testimony..and apparently he was an atheist at 1 time. I can't imagine any PASTOR ever having been an atheist at 1 time. That's cool! =) I also worry about my boyfriend's eternity because based on what I was taught about salvation and all that, I feared my boyfriend is in trouble. I don't think he had the faith,nore do I think he "accepted" salvation,and tho the pastor and I both talked about this and not knowing where he is, I did tell him how my bf sounded the last time we spoke. He sounded peaceful. He sounded A LOT happier than I've ever heard him sound in the year I've known him. And he told me that peace doesn't come from Satan. It's possible that my boyfriend truly is at peace. I mean he didn't say in those words,but it gave me some hope. I've had so much to think about since that talk. I wish I could get my mom to meet him too coz her faith damn near wiped out just like mine is.

My point is, I am finally feeling more peace of mind. I'm still not there yet in my faith,but my mental anguishes have died down A LOT. I know I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Even remembering that my boyfriend's birthday is only a few weeks away isn't depressing me like it was before. I feel like I am changing so much. I didn't notice much before,but I def started to change when I met my boyfriend. Maybe around the time I started to fall in love w/him, I really started to change,and I have had people tell me they noticed a change in HIM too. ^_^ I was saying for so long that I've been in love before but not like this. There was something different about THIS time,and I said the same thing when he died. I've had my heart broken before,but never like this. I was always able to make myself get over a guy before,but I couldn't this time,and it was FRUSTRATING! I mean, we didn't break up; he wasn't an ass! But I still stewed over my inability to move on-something I was always good at before. How much sense does it make to still be in love w/a man who's dead? I've also wanted counseling for years,but I wanted christian counseling. I didn't think any other type would help me AT ALL! Being told, "well, think of it this way. u gave the man pleasure/unconditional love,and he needed that." or whatever. That's great! But that still doesn't fill the hole in my heart his death caused. It didn't fix my depression;my grieving.

How does 1 deal w/the death of the 1 person they're in love w/? We're not talking about a relative I haven't seen in years or don't remember/never met. We are talking about my other half. My best friend; my soul mate. You can't treat a death like a break up coz trust me,they're not the same. I can only hope-er pray this sense of peace I'm feeling(it's only a little,but much more than I had for months) will LAST. I don't wanna fall right back into my depression.

I miss u EVERYDAY!

It's been 5 months now and even though I have learned to live without u, I've finally stopped crying at the drop of a hat,and my mental anguishes have eased up on me..
I still miss you.
Not 1 day.
Not 1 hour.
Not 1 minute.
Not even 1 second goes by..
that I don't miss u with a terrible ache deep down in my heart;deep down into the very depths of my soul.
I miss you like a child misses his/her dog after it passes away-
I miss you like a mother who's children are taken away.
I miss you like one misses the sun when the sky turns black.
I miss you like a friend who has moved away.
I miss you like a baby misses the mother when she is not near.
I miss you like lungs that are starved for air.
I miss you like a dog misses it's owner until he gets home.
How many more simillies would it take to do the justice my heart is trying to pour out?
I love you
and I MISS you!
You're gone forever,but my love for you will never die..
so I continue to miss you..
and be reminded of you through the silliest little details life presents.
I may not be crying on the outside anymore,but on the inside..
I'm still dying!
I lost my best friend, AND I lost the love of my life all at once.
I feel hollow now.
There is a really HUGE hole in my heart that was reserved f
or u,and u alone.
Losing u has punched out that hole,and I can't fill it-
because only U can fill it,and ur gone now.
I try to turn my mind to other things and maybe..
possibly someday be open to meeting another guy,but...
nobody will be like YOU-
nobody will be YOU.
it won't be the same at all.
I am not sure if I can ever find that kind of happiness again.
I miss you so much!
I miss my other half/my partner-in-crime.
I just miss you!
A million times over...

I
MISS
YOU!

To My Idiot Coworker:

1. PLEASE be aware that the world DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND U!!! I know it's HARD 2 wrap ur pea-sized mind around,but.... I promise u, it definitely DOES NOT! so stop irritating all ur coworkers because we are soooo sick of it! it's not just ME! we are ALL sick of ur shit! even ROB never liked u,and he's been dead for 4 months now. this just goes 2 show HOW LONG u've been a problem! the managers do not find u impressive; they are starting 2 see right thru ur phony act, so stop kissing ass/being a suck up. it's not "cool"-it's PATHETIC! it's not cool 2 stick ur nose into other ppl's business,and criticize their work while u abandon ur own. it's not cool 2 threaten 2 go 2 management on some1 just because they don't do what U want. You're 51 years old! u NEED 2 ACT like it! u act like a spoiled child who's pissed off he didn't get his way. take ur breaks when u r SUPPOSED 2. don't wait 10 hours later 2 go 2 break! it's not fair 2 me or 2 any1else 2 have 2 go search the whole store for u JUST 2 ask u if u took ur break before we can take ours, and it CERTAINLY isn't our responsibility! if u weren't being such a suck up, u wouldn't miss ur breaks! ur an ADULT! U r responsible for ur OWN breaks! not the rest of us!

   
   

   if u don't get ur break for 6 hours/8 hrs, that is UR fault! not mine; not any1 else's. stop sticking ur nose in other ppl's business; depts u do NOT work in,and stop trying 2 get me 2 do the same thing while abandoning ur OWN work,and..our fellow coworker. It is NOT fair 2 her 2 shirk ALL the responsibility on HER. U might do that shit,but I don't. if u don't like it..tough shit! I was hired for MAINTENANCE(and btw,so were U!),and MAINTENANCE is what I'm going 2 do! unless a MANAGER tells me otherwise,I am NOT working in another area. I am ESPECIALLY not gonna take orders from U! u r just a PEE ON! u are on MY level. u r NOT in ANY way shape or form my BOSS! u r NOT a manager,and u BETTER remember that! I do NOT have 2 answer 2 U! so u better stop while ur ahead, because u r pissing off A LOT of ppl,and u seem 2 also be trying shit w/the MANAGERS! r u an IDIOT?!

   
   

   r u TRYING 2 lose ur job??! coz if u don't stop w/the CRAP, u will eventually be fired. I hope they DO fire ur ass coz quite frankly, I'm sick of ur shit,and so is everybody else! oh and by the way...when I walk away from u-not once. not twice. 10 times maybe..u need 2 take a hint that I DO NOT WANT U AROUND ME! I am trying not 2 go off on u,but dammit if u don't stop following me; stop HARASSING me, I will be ur worst nightmare. so please take a HINT,and LEAVE-ME. ALONE! sincerely,ur very annoyed, ready 2 kick u in the "balls", coworker. >.<

Mental Anguishes

I have soooo many of them. I've always had mental anguishes of some sort,but I've never felt THIS bad before. I feel like I need 2 be locked away in an asylum. Like, I need 2 have the most professional therapy money can buy; what is most expensive in therapy. I swear puberty and being a teenager NEVER compared 2 how I feel now..how I've been feeling for years-how I've been feeling for 4 months now. Ever since I lost my boyfriend,everything else made a turn for the worst too. I have a coworker who's a total ASSHOLE(he was always a "know-it-all" before,but this time he's worse-more bossy and arrogant than ever!), I am battling 2 have a christian faith. I wish I had it like other christians do. I have enough faith 2 fear for my eternity,but not enough to feel any peace of mind. I feel even more mentally unstable; feel even more forgetful, a.d.d. etc than I've ever been before. I'm full of anger; full of rage' full of hostility. I resent  my boyfriend being dead when most other couples still have THEIR "other half." I resent always being stuck working in retail. I resent never having control of my time; control of my life. I resent not having any USEFUL talents/skills. I resent so much and do not know how 2 appreciate what I DO have anymore,and I resent that too. Sometimes, I just resent myself. Now, I know how my bf felt. Always feeling useless, stupid, wondering y I am even here,wishing I would just die at times, etc. I feel as if my boyfriend's anxieties/depression moved into ME when he died. I hate feeling so damn lonely,yet wanting no1 around me at the same time. It's a shitty feeling 2 have. =(

my sarcasm ad(purely FAKE!! please don't respond?) lol

26 year old female seeking male(boyfriend) between the ages of 18-34ish..

Fav Physical Traits(doesn't have 2 be these;just a preference) Hair: Black/Brown; Eyes: Brown Complexion; Tan-ish

Must have LOTS of patience; willing to take things slow. Does not make sex a PRIORITY, or a condition to loving me. (Love is supposed to be unconditional after all.) Must be a total goofball, supportive rather than discouraging of my ambitions in life, my best friend, fun 2 talk 2..if I fall for him,he must feel the same way. Can't be married or have a girlfriend pretending to be single. HONEST. Sweet. A bit emotional sometimes(YES, men..it IS OK to be emotional. u r NOT a robot). Must be there for me in good AND bad times. Must not give up on me...and above all...WILL NOT DIE on me!!!

my dream about Rob

I just had a dream about Rob. I was supposed 2 be at work,but it def wasn't Sam's I was at. It was a regular grocery store-like a Winn Dixie or something,and somehow, they had me covering a break for a DEMO person. Now in real life, we don't cover breaks for THEM since they don't work work for the STORE, anyway lol. Anywho, Rob just walked right up to me. It's like when u look up, and u see somebody just walking real fast from a certain point as if they had started a while back and are on their way over to u(I dunno know how to describe it),but I had not noticed him come from an aisle or anything. It was completely open in this area. Like, I was in the back over by the deli/produce..those places,so it was pretty open,and I was not facing any of the aisles. It literally seemed like he had been walking for quite some time and only became visible once he was only a couple of feet away from me. He just walked-or might like hurried right over to me and as soon as he was close enough to talk to me, the 1st thing he says is, "do u know what happened to me?" He KNEW he was dead,but he didn't know why/how. I immediately got emotional. I was shocked at 1st to even see him,but when he asked me that I started crying as I told him, "No, I don't. I have no idea what happened to u." He had been suicidal in life,so I asked him, "u didn't do this to urself?" and he looked a me and used this tone of voice as if trying to convince me/trying to clear his name, he said, "No!" he didn't say it,but I sensed he was gonna add, "I would have never killed myself. I didn't wanna die." he never said it,but I think it was kinda left hanging there so 2 speak. I remember throwing myself in his arms, crying, and telling him over and over again how much I miss him. I told him once something all the lines of, "I know I'm supposed 2 live the rest of my life w/o u,but I don't want to. I miss u soooo much!" =( despite him being a ghost, I was able 2 hug him,and even jump in his arms. He had actually picked me up and was holding me. At some point,we had both left the store and were outside talking this time. It was weird. I think he might have mentioned God 2 me at some point,or maybe I did. I had asked him if he had seen God yet. and he was like, "hold on, I 'll go look." as if he was going to get a person,and walked to another side of the parking lot somewhere 2 find him. I don't remember what happened after that.

I'm sick of being in love with a dead man

I'm sick of being in love w/a dead man.
I can't talk to u anymore.
I can't be in ur arms anymore.
I can no longer hold ur hand-
or feel a little peace of heaven from seeing ur incredible smile-
coz u don't SMILE anymore.
our conversations r forever over.
done.
extinct.
like u.
I can't text with u anymore,or talk on the phone.
ur just a shadow of the past; a mere memory.
I want 2 forget u,but I can't.
I wish I could.
I try all the time.
I try 2 think of something else-ANYTHING else-
I even try 2 check out hot celebrities online and in movies.
I try 2 check out guys in general,but
none of them even come CLOSE 2 being has handsome as you were.
Even tho I don't wanna be in love ever again, I half hope I find some1 new to focus my attention,but even if I do...
I know it won't be the same.
He can be AMAZING!
He can make me laugh like u did.
I can have endless conversations and never get bored w/him like I did with YOU-
It's possible I can find true love again with another..
but it won't be the same.
He won't be YOU!
I don't know that even if I wanted to, I could feel the same way about another man as I had for you-
and still do.
I wish I could stop obsessing over you.
We had our joy and love together while it lasted, but now u r gone,
and there's nothing I can do to get back what we had.
I can NEVER have u back.
I have to move on now.
I miss u more than any word will ever be able to give justice too.
I know u can't even see what I'm writing about u.
ur DEAD!
even if ur soul is around SOMEWHERE and ur not just "sleeping" in ur gave until resurrection, you'll still be in another dimension-
maybe in heaven w/God,and if ur w/HIM, u won't notice or remember me anyway.
u won't want anything 2 do w/earth ever again nore those of us who u left behind here.
I doubt u even remember 2 adorable boys u have here still.
I'm glad YOU'RE at peace at least,but
I'm still suffering deeply.
You were the best thing that had ever happened 2 me,and u had 2 pass away.
I miss u so much.
I LOVE you so much.
I want my heart back now, ok?
U stole it so long ago
but now that ur dead,
I really want-really NEED my heart back now
so I can end this terrible suffering that makes me sick in heart and soul.
I feel as if I am dying too.
I just don't wanna think about u anymore-
don't wanna keep feeling the pain of ur (permanent) absence from my life.
I'm sick of this huge hole in my heart that I can never fill no matter what I do.
Just please leave me alone?
Take the stupid memories w/u,so that I don't have to remember my loss-
coz I am just so SICK of being in love w/a dead man. =(

struggles

I hate that I feel this way; jealousy. I KNOW jealousy is a sin,but I just can't help it. I know Charity likes Dylan an all. This has NEVER been a surprise. She told me a while back...what irks me is HOW MUCH their friendship/relationship(whatever they're calling it) reminds me of what I had w/Rob. It makes me depressed because I once had that,and it was taken away for some reason. She says they decided 2 stay "just friends",but I doubt that. If u guys REALLY like each other, ur not gonna be able 2 stick 2 that for long. I know they text w/each other,so I know they don't JUST talk at work. I know they like each other. I know they've practically become best friends,and I'm betting they can talk to each other about anything and everything. They also met AT WORK; exact same place I met Rob. They both work the same dept; which is how they got 2 each other anyway. EVERYTHING about them(as far as I can tell) is just like me n Rob. =(  This makes me feel further depressed that he's gone. I feel jealous and grief all over again. I wish 2 GOD I could find my bible again. I want 2 try harder at getting right w/my faith,so I can have some peace. plus, I don't wanna condemn my eternity just because I can't quit being a mental case. Case in point..I MISS ROB!!!!!!  =,0 God KNOWS I miss him,and seeing a couple that IS SO MUCH like US;like what WE were; how WE started out as is NOT helping at all! not even a little. =( Rob was still ALIVE when Charity 1st told me about her and Dylan,and I was happy for her then BECAUSE they reminded me how me and Rob started out,but now that Rob is GONE..that feeling of pride and joy turned into depression and jealousy. I don't WANT 2 feel like that! I want PEACE! I really need 2 get out of that job like YESTERDAY! I can't take being there anymore. It's driving me CRAZY!!!! =,(  I've noticed Charity every once in a while, tells me we need 2 have a"girl's night out" sometime. It's SUPPOSED 2 be to HELP ME,and this was all HER idea! She conveniently "forgets" 2 text me her schedule or whatever. I don't care tho! after all, it was HER idea! Honestly, I think she's just out w/Dylan all the time and forgets about me. Its FINE. I did that w/Rob too. I was spending all my time w/him and MORE of my time w/him than anybody else(yep. charity and dylan do that too.) too. I kinda avoid her lately coz she's not as comforting 2 me as she tries 2 be. Not 2 many ppl are. NOBODY can bring Rob back,and I can't fill the hole that his death shot thru my heart.

I'm tired of waking up everyday angry and depressed (both whenever I have 2 work.) I'm tired of wanting 2 destroy things-at the same time crying as I get ready for work. I'm tired of fighting w/ppl because I feel so bad that I just wanna be left alone,and get irritated when ppl bug me,and even tho I don't outwardly show my anger or sadness(not that I know of anyway), they sense it and some get offended,and some feel sorry for me. I'm so SICK of this pain. It's wearing me down. It's making my muscles tense up,and my sleep patterns worse and worse each day/night. I'm sick of mourning. I wish I could STOP. I wish I could get some PEACE!! I already took down Rob's pix and refuse 2 look at them anymore coz I'm tired of crying over him,yet I can't stop. The only sense of relief I seem 2 get is talking 2 that 1 security guard at work! I don't know HOW or why,but I feel better when I talk 2 him.(it's odd, coz he's 1 of the few ppl who thinks I should be over Rob by now.) We both like 2 talk in depth about ghost stories; paranormal experiences, God,and all kinds of other things. For some reason, even when I am feeling down, when I see him walking towards me, I start 2 cheer up much more. I didn't think ANYTHING or ANY 1 could cheer up a GRIEVING person. I am not in ANY way falling in love w/him or anything like that(I know it kinda sounds that way),but I find it very calming;soothing if u will 2 talk 2 him. He can so easily make Rob's death seem unreal and easier 2 deal w/. He can also make it easier for me 2 temporarily forget about him,and I just end up feeling better. Its so odd. How come he's much better at cheering me up than any1 else? lol

Grief(tribute 2 Rob)

I wish I could stop thinking about you-
about what happened.
I wish I could stop being knocked down by the memories; by the flashbacks that suffocate me whenever I go to work-the place where we 1st met and fell in love.
I wish you were still here and that I didn't have to wake up each and every day remembering that you are gone now.
coz each and everyday feels like a constant punch in the stomach.
I feel like a demon w/ razor sharp claws is reaching inside of me-ripping me open;  ripping me from the inside out; turning me inside out like a shirt being taken off and hurled to the floor.
I'm tired of having the illusion for a while that, maybe I'll be ok now,and then out of nowhere, the smallest thing will set me off-
like a hurricane, my illusion of peace is just the eye,but the storm is never over.
before I know it, the tears will come again like the great flood u read about in the bible-or like a tsunami/tidal wave/hurricane..
any disaster u can think of- that is how POWERFUL my emotions are.
I had such high hopes for you; I thought u would pull through.
I thought we had a future together,but at last, despite my begging pleas to God 2 let me keep u-
he took u from me anyway- in the blink of an eye.
Not just from ME-
but ur family too.
ur parents.
ur sisters.
and most importantly...
ur sons.
2 little boys who haven't seen their father in 2 years,and now never will again.
2 little boys who I know u missed terribly,and it sucks that u didn't get 2 see them 1 last time before u departed.
Not 2 truly quote the remix song for and by Aaliyah, but...
I miss u.
ur family misses u.
Even some of our coworkers miss u.
Ted and Sherry miss u-I know u liked them as much as I do. They r really sweet people. =)
Even Andrew is sorry about ur loss-even tho u 2 didn't like each other; he didn't get 2 know u the way the rest of us did-he didn't know u were a nicer man than u allowed him 2 see,but he thinks u didn't deserve this either.
Damn, I miss you!
You were my heart and my soul; my soul mate.
You told me once that I would go on 2 do great things in the world and 2 never forget u.
u said that 2 me MONTHS before u died.
I will never forget u-I can't.
I want 2 just for the sake of easing the pain,but I know I can't.
I can never forget how I finally found true love-something I didn't believe in.
I can never forget how I finally had a REAL man- once again,
something I didn't believe in.
and of course...
unconditional love.
something we were BOTH seeking and found in each other. =,)
I miss u, Sweetie.
R.I.P.
I pray I see u again in heaven someday.
I don't want this 2 be the end of US.

I hate every little way I feel lately!

WHY is it I still wish I could(re-meet) and get 2 know a guy I haven't seen in 7 years and doesn't remember me? I'm not crushing on him again like back then. That's in the PAST. I've usually had no problem getting over a guy and leaving him IN the past?? WHY do I wanna get 2 know him so bad? WHY do I wanna go back to Illinois and hopefully run into him while I'm there?? WHY do I now want 2 meet his family so bad?? What is it ABOUT these ppl(who I have NEVER met) that makes me pray on it/wish so bad I could meet them?? I cannot BELIEVE how INSANE I am going! Is this a symptom of GRIEF? why is it I can't keep much of ANYTHING to myself? I know damn good and well that ppl r gonna think I am CRAAAAAZY when I say this shit out loud! WHY did I have 2 lose my boyfriend in the 1st place? yeah, I stressed out and had my fights w/him at times,but I was HAPPY!! WHY did I have to be robbed of my happiness??? I've been going out of my MIND(even worse than usual) since he died! It isn't fair! I hate how UNHAPPY I feel when I go to work. I used to LOVE going into that place,but now I HATE it; I resent it! I spend most of the day in a fit of rage and wanting 2 punch some1 out. Other times, I am OK;calm or mellow-like. And the other half my day running off to the bathroom so many times to cry. I MISS HIM,and it's driving me CRAAAAAZY!! >.<  =(  I want to run away but have no where to go(no money or time),and I still can't get away from the MEMORIES!! =( There is far too much death going on this year! each and every death I hear about drives me INSANE because it makes me re-live the news that the LOVE OF MY LIFE passed away! =,( I just can't find much comfort for long no matter where I turn. I don't even have awesome daydreams to get me thru the crap that is reality coz I used 2 have so many fantasies about a man I was falling in love w/so quickly who FINALLY became mine,but a few months later dies on me. It sucks!! =,( I want to run away and get out of town somehow! I just want to leave an travel the world..and just keep traveling! bouncing around from place to place before I have a chance to get 2 close 2 ppl I meet coz I just don't want anymore attachments to any1. >.<  =( I want to get RELIEF,but I just CAN'T! =,(

I gatta really think this "order" out

ok, so my mom told me AGES ago to make a list of what I desire in a man. I already had a mental list,and Rob fit just about everything on my mental list...I had 2 lose him tho..so...let's try this AGAIN! >.< ok, I want the usual: the guy who treats me w/respects/loves me as I am(all things Rob possessed). A guy who is my best friend,and who i can talk to about ANYTHING/just loves spending time w/me w/no demands/pressure or anything(AGAIN, like Rob), makes me laugh, is sensitive w/o being OVERLY sensitive,would protect me,etc...BUT....he CANNOT be a drug addict,and he CANNOT have a mental disorder where he hates himself so much that he tries 2 kill himself. he CANNOT be an alcoholic...oh..and he needs 2 LIVE!!! how about he STAY ALIVE???!! how about that??? is THAT 2 much 2 ask???!! am I FORGETTING something??? is there something else I haven't mentioned that I would like 2 avoid??? if I think of it, I will DEF add that to my list!  >.< I want a man who I am actually meant 2 be w/ for a LONG time. maybe for LIFE,not just 3 months/10 months...how about a man w/ Rob's triats(the good ones) and is meant 2 STAY ALIVE!!! >.<

I've been writing a lot of stuff about u for a long time now

Baby, I really hope u didn't kill urself. I really hope this is an accident.
U have no idea what pain I'm going thru right now.
I used 2 ALWAYS tell u, "I DON'T want 2 LOSE u." and I MEANT IT!!
I TOLD u, I meant it!
I've been crying for almost 4 days now since ur dad broke the news to me.
I felt shitty coz I had JUST talked to u on the phone that very same day before I went to work.
about 7/8 hours later when I got home, ur dad called me(from UR ph no less) to tell me u had died.
u used to text me ALL the time,so now i always think I'm hearing the sound my ph makes when I get texts but when I check,I have no new texts.
It's driving me CRAZY,so I had to change my text sound..AND my ring tone coz I couldn't stand to hear those alerts anymore.
they drive me crazy.
I miss u sooo fucking much, u have no idea.
ur family misses u.
I'm def sure ur sons miss u.
I bet they're grieving just as bad as I am right now.
I wish u could see and hear everything that is going on right now. Did u know ur step mom asked me if I was pregnant?? did u know she was HOPING I was??remember how I didn't wanna sleep w/u because I didn't wanna get pregnant?? a part of me wishes we had and that we were gonna have a baby for the same reason ur step mom was hoping for it...so we'd have a sort of piece of u 2 remember u by.
did u know she ALSO told me REPEATEDLY how I could have been her daughter-in-law someday? do u know much that HURT for me 2 hear??
the good news is, I finally got to see pics of ur sons, even tho they're BABY pics-not current ones. but I finally got to see em. I loved seeing pics of holding ur son. it made my heart melt. I have 1 or 2 of em now of u holding...I think it's Robbie in both those pics.
I was crying over u for days in end,now I'm just pissed off.
I'm pissed coz I'm starting to think u committed suicide..only this time u succeeded. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope ur fucking satisfied!
I hope ur happy u hurt a whole bunch of ppl at 1 fucking time!
if that isn't true,and it was an accident, I am so sorry,and I'm gonna miss u so much.
There's not a day that goes by I don't miss u.
I am actually wearing 1 of ur old shirts now.
I know u hated this 1-thought it looked gay on u,but I thought it looked damn good on u.
u looked so dressed up and STUNNING.
u didn't think u were attractive,but I always thought u did.
u had an AMAZING smile and BEAUTIFUL eyes.
my friend came over 2 cheer me up coz I'm grieving over u..she saw ur pic and said u were cute.
she thought u were a total cutie,and u were.
remember when u said I should find some1else,and I told u I didn't want any1 else and I even said, "y should I? so I can lose THAT guy too?" remember? I STILL feel like that!
I don't WANT any1 else!
I had the best guy already,and now ur gone.
remember when I said that being in love and relationships always blows up in my face??
well babe,it fucking happened AGAIN!
just like it ALWAYS does.
 I'm THRU!
I never want 2 fall in love again.
EVER!
I'm SICK of never getting the guy-or
I'm SICK of getting the guy and then he either treats me like CRAP-OR..
DIES!
Fuck it! I can't have any1!
Piss on it!
I'm done!
I'm through.
I'm not meant to have  LIFE LONG true love.
I had it,and now I don't.
ur gone.
I will never see u again.
I will never kiss u again.
I will never be in ur arms again.
I will never get to have u look at me and give me a goofy smile when I'm in a bad mood and make me laugh,then u tell me, "there u r" again.
I will never again get to hold ur hand, or walk and talk w/u on the beach.
I will never get to talk u again.
I will never get to pick on u again.
Hell, I won't even get to fight w/u again.
yeah, oddly enough, I miss that too.
U were my happiness,so I guess that's y u had 2 die, right?
U made me happy,so like anything else that makes me happy, u had 2 be taken from me!
 I should have known this would happen.
It always does.
Fuck Love. >.<

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!

so here's the dealy-oh! as fucking USUAL,whenever something or SOME1 makes me happy, life has 2 take that away from me! EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! >=0 My boyfriend..my AMAZING boyfriend who I've been blogging about on here for MONTHS!! almost a YEAR..FUCKING DIED on Saturday! brillaint aint it?? ironically, my most recent post was on Thursday-the last time I saw him in person. I got my last kiss and hug w/him..the only hug and kiss I'll ever get from him coz he's GONE!! fucking brilliant! he was released form the hospital Friday,and he talked and texted w/me then,and I talked to him 1 more time on Sat. literally right before I went to work,but the call got dropped on us. he never called back,and neither did I. (I wish I had.) I decided I needed 2 get 2 work,and I didn't get off work till 9. well..9:30 or 10 rolls around,and I think I'm getting a call from my man coz the call was from HIS phone,but it wasn't HIM! it was his FATHER telling me that Rob just died earlier that day. He had him rushed to the hospital,but they couldn't revive him. He was unconscious..today I spoke w/Rob's step mom,and she told me his lips were blue,and he had a lot of foam in his mouth. Brilliant. I've been crying on and off again for all those days..including some today,but now here it's 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake and very much pissed off. I'm glad for that coz I'm SICK of crying. I'm MAD AS HELL! I feel like, y the FUCK was such an AMAZING man sent into my life JUST so he could be taken from me so shortly? u know what else is fucked up??? Rob's step mom told me a bunch of times how I could have been her daughter-in-law. I've thought of that myself,and it's eating me up like acid to know that that will NEVER happen now.
She ALSO asked me if I was pregnant,and I could tel she was HOPING for it coz it would def be the last bit of "Rob" either of us have. I don't even WANT 2 get prego or none of that,but a part of me wishes I HAD gone all the way w/Rob and HAD gotten prego,so that I too would have "a piece" of Rob left. Right now I just feel like, "u know what, life? u just love 2 FUCK me..well guess what? FUCK U RIGHT BACK!! FUCK U!!!!!!" >=0 Fuck u and all the hurt u caused A LOT of ppl! FUCK U!! u stole the love of my life away from me. u stole away a nice man's(who, like me, bent over BACKWARDS 2 try and help Rob out w/everything) son, u stole away 2 women's younger brother,and FINALLY, u stole away 2 boys's father! 2 boys who haven't seen their father in 2 YEARS!! and now they'll NEVER see him again! FUCK U!!! just FUCK U!!!! >=0 I actually LIKE Rob's dad,and I've had my moments where I thought, "I would LOVE to have him as a my father-in-law. He's a really sweet guy. I can see where his son gets it." But, no U just couldn't let ANY of that happen. U know what life, u've fucked me over w/SO many things,but this 1 just takes the fucking cake! I was NEVER able to have the guy! EVER! but this was just downright EVIL! instead of him not reciprocating my feelings,or him breaking up w/me,or cheating on me, he had to DIE! he had 2 fucking DIE! FUCK U! I hope ur happy. because of this last failed attempt at true love..a DRASTIC failed 1 at that, I'm fucking done. I don't want any1 else. I don't ever wanna be in love w/another man,coz u'll just take HIM from me too I'm sure. Even if I manage to love again, I'll just end up either never getting the guy,or I'll get him for a SHORT time,and then he'll just be taken from me too. he'll either turn into an asshole,get sick of me,break up w/me,cheat on me, or maybe HE will die too just like Rob. FUCK U! Cupid or whoever/WHATEVER fate decides I need 2 be in love..LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FROM NOW ON! DON'T U EVER-I MEAN EVER CAUSE ME 2 FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! U HEAR ME??!! FUCK U! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SICK OF PAYING A HEAVY PRICE FOR FALLING IN LOVE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! I'm gonna be the crazy cat(or dog) lady who never finds any1 coz that's what I'm meant for, obviously! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! >=0 =,( I'm SICK of being robbed of my happiness(no pun intended).=,(  T_T

A very heartfelt/touching kind of story

I usually only HEAR about other people's heart-felt type stories,but I never thought I'd have my own to tell. These past months..or year or...however far back everything tied to it counts or something, has been very emotional and a big challenge. I met and fell in love w/my best friend from work and so much has happened since then. The beginning of the challenges I guess I could say started before we even started dating. He got to where he would think I said or did something horrible to him and tell me to never talk to him again. I would get upset,fearful of losing my best friend and the love of my life over something I didn't do. In the past,when shit like this happened, I would just give up and walk away before taking on any more hurt but for some reason, I could NOT give up on this 1. I am the QUEEN of giving up usually,but I couldn't give up on HIM. I've wanted to give up and walk away SO many times because I got tired of always having to explain myself to him when I didn't need to. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and KNEW he was making it all up in his head. It was stressing me out-STILL stresses me out NOW,but I had this voice in my head ALWAYS telling me, "don't give up on him. don't give up on this 1. keep trying. talk to him." so I would keep talking to him and keep thinking he was going to ignore me,but he would actually talk. We were always able to work through the issues and our friendship was saved.

This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work.  I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.

I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma  good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.

I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested.  We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!

where is the man I fell in love with?

Where is the man who I could talk to about anything and have, talked to about everything?
Where is the man who I couldn't get enough of?
Where is the man who was caring and understanding about my feelings and apologized when he was wrong?
Where is the man who LISTENED to me instead of calling me a liar and never trusting me?
Where is the man who defended me from those who hurt me instead of BEING the 1 who hurts me?
Where is the man who actually CARES?
Where is the man who wanted to kick the ass of another man who he thought caused my tears before he knew it was him?
Where is the man who brought a smile and tears of laughter instead of tears of sorrow to my eyes?
Where is the man who had so much potential?
Where is the man I fell in love with?
Whatever happened to him?
I miss him dearly.
He was replaced by this bitter,paranoid, monster who LOOKS like him but can't be him.
What has this monster done with my 1 true love?
Where is he?
 Please bring him back?
I miss him so terribly.
It hurts so bad.

I knew I wasn't meant for relationships

this happens every time doesn't it? I fall in love and pay the price for it,and it's a HEAVY price!
all good guys eventually turn sour don't they? it doesn't last! ever! no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough for u. u act like u can't stand seeing me upset and beg me to come over or call u then "apologize",but then u turn right back around and hurt me again. fuck it! fuck u. and fuck love! I'm DONE! do u understand? DONE! love SUCKS! there is no such thing as "true love." our relationship is always on the rocks because u won't trust me; u won't listen to me when I tell u how it is. how come when we were friends u would listen to me? u would be understanding and sweet,but as a couple u started trusting me less and treating me more like shit? maybe this was a bad idea-we shoulda just stayed friends,but I guess that was impossible considering we both had such strong feelings for each other. there is def no winning and NO peace when u fall in love. ur doomed to become mental,emotional,depressed,bawl ur eyes out,stress out, etc. when u fall in love. y couldn't we just be friends? y did we have to fall in love w/each other and complicate EVERYTHING??!! I wanna stop crying all the time. I wanna stop stressing over rather we will stay together or not. I know ur supposed to fight SOMETIMES in a relationship but not as much as we have. we fight ALL the time it seems. we're hanging on by a thread. and even tho I'm stressed out and getting hurt so much, I still keep fighting-trying to save US because I love u so much, I don't want 2 lose u. I've been feeling this way since before u were even mine and now that u R mine, I'm even more determined through sweat and tears or whatever else 2 keep u. I LOVE u. PLEASE work w/me,and don't leave me?? I wouldn't cry and bitch u out if I didn't care. I wouldn't get upset AT ALL. I'd just shrug my shoulders and walk away. I wish I could do that,but u have my heart,and u have it clenched w/an iron fist that I just can't get thru. Please just TRUST me,and stick by my side. I may be awkward and shy..and terrible at kissing and just plain sucky w/relationships,but I promise u I'll love u more than any other girl ever has or will. I will be so much better 2 u than ur past girlfriends-and I HAVE. I've been hurt too,and u helped heal that. it makes me depressed that I can't do the same for u.

sooo glad for the summer. =)

I'm FINALLY out of school after tomorrow, so I'll FINALLY have all the time in the world 2 spend w/my AMAZING bf. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =) ^_^ my honey's finally back home, and I LOVE how his dad rides his ass and basically tells him all the same shit I try to tell HIM. STAY CLEAN!! I hope he STICKS 2 it this time! please? I don't wanna lose u . =( We spent the majority of the day at the beach together, yesterday. I LOVED that day! we had sooo much fun(altho I pulled muscles when I swam =( ). he told me the same thing I heard from on my moron ex(,but it means more coming from HIM)- that I'm the ONLY girlfriend his dad has ever actually liked. My heart MELTED when he said his dad told him 2 stay clean for me. like, "if u really love this girl, u need to stay clean for her coz she's not gonna put up w/u doing this forever." or something like that,and i was like, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" ^_^ how sweet! I reminded him he needed to do so for his kids too. He can't be w/me-OR his kids if he's dead.  =( he kept saying he would do whatever it takes 2 be w/me. awww! he keeps reminding me of how I fell in love w/him in the 1st place. I love his sweetness! this man is gonna make me a diabetic u watch. lol ohhh he even wants me 2 meet his family! yay! ^_^ I kinda know his dad,but his other family is in another state. He went from saying his mom and sisters r cool and saying I would like his sisters, to saying he's gonna try to get a hold of his 2 boys for the summer and have them stay w/him,and he asked me if I would wanna meet them. YEAH! I don't think I ever wanna meet his ex tho,but I would LOVE 2 meet his kids,his mom,and his sisters...who ever else he an think of. he even said his dad wants to have a bbq sometime and have me over. HELL YEAH! all that sounds AMAZING! I will soooo do that! yay! ^_^ we even talked about going 2 visit his mom and sisters if we could. either taking a road trip or flying. something. I wanna do ALL these things w/him. YES YES YES a MILLION x's OVER YES!!! ^_^

stuff

since I can't focus, I thought I'd blog a little and see if I can get my typing going.  1st of all, I had some REALLY strange and RANDOM dreams all DAY today up until I had 2 get up for work. The most recent dream I remember having was something about driving in my CAR but w/my family. My dad was driving(as usual),and we were driving on wet roads(I think we were up in the mountains. I live in FLORIDA. there r NO mountains. lol) w/like 3 lanes of traffic but not alot of cars. I remember we actually got BLINDED by another driver's TAIL lights. the driver was a cop,and we were happy when he took off faster down the road away from us. I remember asking, "was that his TAILLIGHTS?" or something and my dad was like, "yep. we got blinded by the cop's tail lights." how do u get blinded by TAIL lights? the dream kinda skips around,and it's just me and my mom trying to find a warm place to sleep for the night and for some reason, we suddenly don't have the car anymore nore my dad. I remember finding some "house" but like ONLY the bathroom was there? I must have somehow missed the home ITSELF...AND the place which I walked thru to GET 2 the bathroom,and I didn't seen an actual CANDLE,but I think the only light there was candle light. like some 19th century crap,but the bathroom was modern.

Anyway, there was a dream I had BEFORE that, that I had forgotten about till something made me think of Gary(my dumb ass ex). In my dream,my job didn't look anything AT ALL like it is( as usual it never does in my dreams). I was kinda more..outside..there was slider doors...I can't remember enough details to make any sense here. I remember somebody mentioned Gary 2 me in the dream, and I curled my lip saying, "oh yeah. I heard that dumb ass works here now." or something. Rob was on break at the time,but I remember wondering how he would react to Gary. Just then, I saw Gary walk up to me. He had spotted me and had this stupid grin on his face as if he thought he got me good or something; as if to say, "HA! and u thought u got away from me. no such luck. =) =D"  he didn't say that tho. I can't remember now WHAT he said to,but he would NOT stop TALKING 2 me. His voice sounded VERY different in the dream too. He didn't have that way- too- laid -back-it's -obvious -I- do- drugs sound to his voice like he used to. He sounded far more "intelligent". At least his VOICE did. He still said stupid THINGS. I can't remember at all WHAT he said,but I do remember thinking, "he's still stupid" when he said shit. I remember finding him annoying and wishing he would go away. I can't recall if I told him I have a new bf now and very HAPPY w/him. Rob DID eventually get back from his break...question is..was Gary still annoying me,or had he walked away by then? I do remember bitching 2 Rob how my asshole ex now works w/us while adding, "I do remember somebody telling me he now works at Sam's Club(which is where I work)". This had got to be at least the 2nd dream I've had where both my ex bf AND my CURRENT bf r both w/me in the same place; at the same time. Wow! =0

my attempts at another diary entry

I saw this movie called, "bulworth",and it is HILARIOUS!  I think it's prolly an old movie..well old enough that it is pointed out to me once again how deprived I am of seeing moves coz I had not only not seen it,but I hadn't heard of it before either. The whole thing is about a senator who is so depressed and miserable that he hires some1 to set up his own assassination because he thinks it's the only way out of what he has to do. Later on tho, he starts to perk up more. He starts eating again and even hangs out w/ppl from the hood, getting high,and eventually acting like a gangsta,and it is HILARIOUS seeing an old white guy try to act like a young black thug...or more appropriately, gangsta! Also, his speeches he starts to give...r a RIOT! I wish politicians would tells u shit like that FOR REAL because it's the TRUTH! Finally! we have a politician who is telling us the truth! There was something else I couldn't help noticing..the wife looked sooo familliar,and it took me most of the movie to finally figure out where I had seen her before. She's the same actress who plays Leonard's mom on "the big bang theory." Not that this has anything to do w/the movie,but at least now I know y she looked so damn familliar.  I like how he not only started rapping at random times everything he wanted to say,but he also started to dress like a gangsta too. It's hilarious! He's at least in his 60's, AND he's a white guy; a respectable SENATOR at that-some1 who is used to the "finer " things in life,and he's now hanging in the projects,and acting like he's black. it's toooooooooooooo funny! =D I TOTALLY love this movie. =) ^_^

I need 2 write!

I know u don't believe me,but I love u. I love u more than u'll ever know...
or in this case-
believe.
I've never been this stubborn with any other guy before like I am with you.
You sometimes stress me out.
Make me cry.
 make me mad.
But I still stick by ur side.
Even when u slipped back into drugs after getting better in rehab,I was pissed off,
but I still stuck around.
You fight with me A LOT coz u get so damned paranoid and don't trust me; don't believe what I tell u.
Still...I stick by ur side. because I LOVE you.
I don't know how to make it any more clear to u that u mean the world to me.
u have tried to get me to break up w/u soooo many times,and I just don't want to.
WHY r u still not convinced I love you??
I don't get it!
will u ever trust me?
u say I make u happy
u say I'm the best thing that ever happened to u
so y do u act like all I do is treat u bad?
I've never once done that to
it's all in ur head, babe
I think we r great together; u just have to TRUST me
PLEASE?

I hate having mixed feelings. =(

It makes me so mad how Rob asks me to come over and hang out,and sometimes he's hanging w/his damn neighbor. Like, y did u bother asking me to come hang out when ur already hanging out w/some1? u KNOW I don't feel comfortable going over there. All u guys do is listen to heavy metal(LOUDLY I might add),have the tv on, talk to each other(I don't talk much coz I just don't fit in w/the crap u guys call "living life". sorry, I don't.),and fucking smoke and drink. I love hanging w/my boyfriend but ONLY w/my boyfriend.  NOT my boyfriend AND HIS NEIGHBOR! >.< It pisses me off! u go thru fucking rehab a million xs, still get back into the drugs while promising me u won't anymore. At the same time ur hanging W/ ppl r going to drag u right back into what u CLAIM u want nothing more to do w/. Also, every time I'm over there, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE! They walk away in the damned kitchen to fucking smoke their shit(and I'm not convinced they're JUST smoking CIGARETTES),and I know they do it so as not to do it front of me and for no other reason. I feel NEGLECTED when I'm over there!! Plus, it pisses me the FUCK OFF that his fucking drug addict friends won't STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM when I'm trying to spend time w/him!! HE'S MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND! DID HE TELL U ASSHOLES HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW??!! do u think maybe we can spend some damned time together???!! I do NOT go to his place to watch him smoke and drink himself to death w/his fucking neighbor! I go there to spend time w/HIM! US! ME AND HIM! THAT'S IT!!! a relationship involves *2* PEOPLE! NOT 3! NOT 5 OR 6 OR 10 OR WHATEVER!! 2!!! I hate having to COMPETE for my boyfriend's attention! It pisses me off! and he wonders y I don't wanna go to his neighbor's place! >.< coz I'm tired of feeling NEGLECTED that's y! I'm tired of sitting there in the living room twittling my thumbs while they go fucking do drugs or something in the kitchen! and u can't tell me ur not doing drugs! if ALL u were doing was smoking CIGARETTES, u wouldn't need to be sneaky about it. As if I don't know. >.< FUCK! really??? I'm so sick of that. >.<

 What really made my blood boil was when I thought he was finally in for the night! We had gotten ready for bed and everything,and his asshole neighbor calls him up AGAIN begging him to come back over when WE HAD JUST GOT IN BED!! >.<  FUCK U! U LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HIM! U SEE HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'M THE GIRLFRIEND! WHILE I AM HERE, HE IS MINE! GOT IT??!! >.< Rob couldn't figure out y I was so pissed off last night. COZ I WANT U AND ME TIME, THAT'S Y! AND I'M NOT GETTING IT! ur damned neighbor and ur damned other drug addict "friends" won't stop fucking calling u every few min. I can't get ANY alone time w/u or much of it! THAT'S Y!!! I dunno what to do. I don't wanna give up on him. I love him,and as a girlfriend but also as a friend,u don't give up on some1...especially when they need ur support/encouragement or whatever. i know he's told me I can leave him any time coz he doesn't want me involved in his shit,but I KNOW I won't be any happier if I break up w/him. All I'll do is miss him TERRIBLY and still won't be able to get him off my mind. I'll still be working w/him and unable to be anywhere near him w/o wanting to bawl my eyes out. rather I'm w/him or I'm NOT-I will still always feel so emotionally distressed about him. There is NO WAY out! not really. =,(

On the other hand, I still enjoy the convos I have w/him. Like last night, he thought I had issues w/kissing too. No, that I like. I'm just an awkward kisser and am embarassed by it. only reason I hadn't kissed him yet..not till last night anyway when HE went in for it. lol. I had to once again tell him about my asshole ex, gary. how HE basically told me I'm a bad kisser(he's right about that unfortunately). I just had such a  lengthy chat w/him about Asshole,and Rob was like,"wow, this guy fucked u up in the head big time. where did u say he works again? walmart? I wanna go kick his ass." LOL! awwwwwwwww! I thought that was really sweet. =) I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on,but I know that no matter WHAT decision I make(stay w/him; dump him, etc.),I will NEVER stop feeling depressed,angry,upright, etc. about him. I'm DEEPLY IN LOVE w/this man,and it's KILLING me. =(

the conversations I have w/my boyfriend r almost as much fun as the 1s I have w/my bestie, lol.

Last night....
Me: good night, sweet fart. oops. I meant sweet HEART.
Rob: Wow! not cool man. not cool. LOL
Me: hey got a little secret 2 share w/u. I tease u A LOT bcoz I LIKE u! ROFL!
 I just thought I'd share that w/u. It's the best piece of gossip u'll ever hear. lol
Rob: sure it is.
Me: I'm a little drunk...off soda. lol Man I can't wait to 2 c u tomorrow. Yippeee!! lol
Rob: what the? u can get that way from soda? wow!
Kat: ok I'm HYPER. what's the difference? lol
Rob: There's a big difference. lol
Kat: well, it's ME. I can get drunk from soda. lol
Rob: I wish I could be. I would have saved a lot of money. lol
Kat: weeeeeeeee! hee hee!! la la la la LAAAAAAAAA! lol
Rob: wow! r u ok?

Then Today's convo:

Rob: hey I'm not sure if I'm gonna hang out tonight. I will let u know.
Me: did something happen? if ur not sure ur coming or not, I'm wondering if something happened?
Rob: nothing happened. I'm just not sure yet.
I will text u when I get out. I just feel kinda shitty. that's all.
Me: awww I'm sorry. feel better sweet heart. =)
Rob: thanks. that's better than what u called me last nite. lol
Me: I dunno what ur talking about. I didn't do anything. lol
Rob:Right. I almost believe u. lol
Me: I'm innocent I tell u. I protest this accusation. rofl
Rob:  u would. lol
Me: well, I'm not gonna sit here and let u disparage my character. I'm taking my toys and playing somewhere else. ur mean. lmao
Rob: wow! lol
Me: sorry u ended up getting a crazy gf. bet ur wondering what u got urself into now. rofl
Yeah! take that meanie! lol
Rob: I told I like crazy. lol
I like ur brand of crazy. it's the right kind of crazy. lol. yeah I'm ok.

1 of my most random blogs

I feel so stressed out all the time. How is it possible to be so happy yet so depressed and withdrawn at the same time? I got the man I love,so shouldn't I be happy? I am,but for some reason I feel upright and ill at ease too. I haven't been feeling like myself,and my sleep patterns r even worse than usual. I spent the night w/Rob last night,and the whole time he kept having involuntary twitches, like he was shaking so hard at times as if he were shivering. 

He kept wanting to sleep on the floor or in his chair,so he wouldn't keep me up,but I wanted to sleep beside him-holding him. I didn't care about that. The problem I was having was I couldn't stay comfortable in 1 position for too long before I had to turn over again..plus I was freaking hot..then cold..and my throat felt SO. DRY! having to keep swallowing coz u can't get ur throat wet; don't have enough saliva will keep u up too. I had an amazing time tho. I love this man w/all my heart,and I wish I was able to make him see that. I feel better about being able to admit all the things to him that for MONTHS I had been keeping to myself...well at least from HIM anyway, lol. 

It turns out there's a guy at work who kept asking me out for a while,and it seems like he just KNOWS I have a bf or something now coz he doesn't do that anymore. I told Rob about him,and Rob admitted to feeling a little jealous. awww! so cute! he doesn't have to be coz I don't want the other guy...I want HIM! ^_^ All those times I tried my best to hide my feelings from Rob..it had worked too well. He not only didn't think I was in love w/him(and I am),but he thought I hated him. aww! =( I told him I had been working my ass off to keep my secret safe. He admitted he thought I hated him. I knew he did even then,but I didn't know how to tell him I didn't hate him at all without admitting I love him. I finally told him that all my efforts to keep him from finding out how I felt about him made me look bad. It made it seem as if I didn't like him at all. =( We even had a good laugh over Charity. I told him she figured me out long ago..before she even knew me very well,and how she had been riding my ass to tell him how I feel about him since then. She told me herself and then Rob told me again last night how he was waiting for her to get out of the bathroom,so he could start cleaning and when she came out, she suddenly told him, "ya know, she just GLOWS whenever she talks about u." aww! that was cute! Rob said he had been having a bad day,so that made him feel better when she told him that. How sweet! ^_^

I think it sucks how Rob thinks I'm so concerned w/what other ppl think. As if I have a reputation to protect, and dating him is "killing" it. wtf? The only reason I get bent out of shape over the rumors is because they r a threat to our relationship. He seems to believe a lot of the shit they say about me. I told him that. I said I don't give a flying fuck what THEY think; I care what HE thinks. He seems to believe them,and that puts a MAJOR strain on our relationship. Even when we were just friends, it put a huge strain on that too,and it's been like this for MONTHS! I'm worried I'm gonna lose him over the stupid shit ppl at work say.
 =(

;(

as USUAL, my friends r NEVER online for me to talk to anymore. I feel so distressed and have no1 to talk to,so I'm stuck blogging...AGAIN! >.< how come my relationships ALWAYS have problems in the very BEGINNING??? hmmm being on that time of the month and all...yep, what a GREAT time to have ur boyfriend damn near break up w/u! THANK U!*uses very sarcastic tone* My bf is far more insecure than I am. I just don't get it! He says he trusts me,but he acts like he doesn't. He almost broke up w/me coz for some reason he thinks there is som1else I'm seeing. really??? ME??!! the girl who SHIES away from relationships most of the time?? The girl who has been been heart broken so many times before but FINALLY gets the guy she's been in love w/ for MONTHS and has been so damn happy, find some1 ELSE??? Babe, I am NOT ur ex! I will NOT cheat on u! she was a fucking RETARD to let u go! u r AMAZING,and she was obviously 2 STUPID 2 get that! I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get the guy! EVER! and now that I have for the 1st time, I can ASSURE u, I do NOT want any1 else! I don't know if I'll ever find another guy who will put up w/my issues like u do; love me like u do.

u r my best friend. I can talk to u FOREVER and not get bored. u listen to me. u defend me. u show compassion and understanding toward me. do u not GET IT?? u r EVERYTHING I was dying to have in a man! u ARE the man I didn't think existed! u r my world! my everything! I have written DOZENS of sappy drippy poems about u for MONTHS! I have been MADLY IN LOVE w/u for a LONG. TIME! and when u told me u had feelings for me,it was a night I was so upset over something,and it made me feel AMAZING! those were words I wanted to hear for so long! HOW can I CONVINCE u that I love u so much??? HOW can I convince u that I'm not gonna hurt u? I am SCARED 2 DEATH of being in a relationship! I'm TERRIFIED of the future,yet I stick w/u anyway because I LOVE u! He told me we should prolly go back to being just friends and that was y. I managed to keep my (is it posure or COMposure) while I was on the ph w/him,but when I got off the ph I started crying. I mean we're still together and still trying to make this work,but it made me cry anyway. Now I feel depressed and have a hard time focusing on my paper I've been trying to write. I don't wanna lose him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. =(

I know I've said this before in previous poems/blogs

I know I've said this before in previous poems/blogs,but....
I love how I can talk 2 u about anything and everything..AND never get bored.
I love your incredible smile.
I love the way u treat me. ur a true gentleman who actually cares enough about me to take things slow and not make 1 single demand.
I've told u things I was afraid to tell u out of fear u wouldn't understand, but u did.
I actually feel comfortable around u when I normally don't feel that w/most guys.
I love how considerate u r.
I love how u LISTEN 2 me.
I love how much fun I always have w/u; how much u make me laugh.
I love how HAPPY I've been since we got together.
I love YOU,and I hope u know that; hope u BELIEVE that coz it's true.
You fit all of what makes one someone's soul mate.
And that someone is ME.
Your'e my soul mate and my best friend.
I love you so much. =)

My Views

I just saw this movie called, "Spartacus" in my "history of motion pictures" class yesterday,and now I'm trying to write a diary entry thingy on it. Let's see if I can somehow get my ideas out and then, turn them into a paper somehow, lol. I was amazed to find I really liked this movie...at 1st. It was interesting enough to hold my attention and have me on the edge of my seat thru the whole thing. The whole movie is about slaves who wish to be free of being slaves. Spartacus was an intelligent man who thought "outside the box." While every1 else just got used 2 being slaves and put up w/it, Spartacus wouldn't accept it. He was looking for a way to get his freedom; looking for a way to make EVERY1 free.

It was really sweet too because he gets sold to his new master who has a "school" teaching the slaves to be warriors; learn how to fight. They are not supposed to actually KILL each other there, they r just simply TRAINING to be gladiators. It is up to their new owner once their sold again as to what do w/them,but while in this "school", they r not supposed to fight to the death. Also, in this "school", there r women slaves too,and the women got put in cells w/the men. Each man got 1 woman put in his cell w/him. This is how Spartacus meets the love of his life. It's sweet coz u can tell he's infatuated by her right away,but he is a gentleman.

He tells her he's never had a woman before,yet he doesn't try to sleep w/her. There r other men that have an opening to his cell above where they can see them,and they tell him he's weak or whatever bcoz he's not making any moves on her. He yells at them that he's not an animal. I LOVE men like that. The woman was eventually taken from his cell just because he wasn't taking advantage of her. Sometime into the movie(mind u I only saw this once,so it's gonna be kinda hard remembering everything accurately), more slave owners come visit the "school" to come buy some slaves. They want to see 2 slaves fight each other to the death,and the victor is the 1 that they will purchase. Amongst all this, the woman Spartacus loves, gets sold. At the same time, 1 of the other slave guards or whatever provokes him by smacking in the face,so Spartacus retaliates by beating the crap out of this guy and eventually, drowning him in soup. He gets ALL the other slaves riled up at this point,and they're all punching/killing guards and breaking away.

They end up escaping and forming together to try and flee Italy and have their freedom for good. The move was going along great at 1st. I was cheering Spartacus and his whole army on the whole time. People were escaping. They were gonna get out of there. I ended up not like the way the movie ended because everything they had done..they had gotten SO. FAR...for nothing. It was all in vain. Spartacus does get to be w/the woman he loves later on,and they do have a son together,but he and the other slaves lost the war w/the rest of Rome. Most of them were killed and the ones who survived were crucified. Spartacus and another man were spared their lives for a little bit longer,but then the 2 men were forced to fight each other to the death,and the 1 left standing was to be crucified anyway. Which is what happened, Spartacus killed his dear friend and was later crucified. His wife and newborn son manage to escape and get their freedom. but Spartacus still ends up dying in the end.

The thing was, they hung him on a cross that night,and the next day was when his wife w/their new born made their escape. He was still alive for just a little while. Long enough for his wife to hold the baby up to him as best as she could and introduce their son to him. Then a few min later, he died. It sucked so bad. everything he went thru to get freedom for all of them. In the end, it was only his wife and son who got freedom. Every1 else was either killed or went back to being slaves. I HATED that ending w/a passion. At the very LEAST, I wanted HIM to survive. Or somebody to climb up that cross and get him down; nurse his wounds enough that he survives after all and can escape w/his wife and son. It isn't fair that he got cheated out of being w/his lady and seeing his son grow up.  It isn't fair that the infant got cheated out of knowing his father. So I liked the movie but hated the ending. That gets a HUGE dislike from me/

I had the strangest dream this morning

The man I love just confessed he loves me,so I had to confess as well,and everything has been hectic ever since then. Also, I had the CRAZIEST dream about him this morning. I had a dream that I was at work,and my parents were there as well. I kept seeing Rob(my love) a bunch of different times. He was everywhere. In and out etc. I saw him out in the parking lot,and for some reason, he moved my car. I remember wondering how he got a key to my car and then remembering I gave him 1. In real life, u would give some1 the key to ur apartment/house,but in this case, I gave him a copy of my car key. The thing that freaked me out was he kept "turning into" Gary(my ex). It weirded me out so bad. He would walk up to my parents and make friendly conversation,but he was GARY now,and my parents don't even LIKE Gary,but somehow they didn't SEE Gary like I did.
Like,how could they NOT tell that "Rob" suddenly became Gary? I figured out sometime during the dream that Rob doesn't exist and never has. Gary had somehow "transformed" himself into "Rob." He was a "diff guy" going by a diff name,and I was sad and angry at the same time coz I trusted him. I thought I had found a different man,and it turns out the man I thought I met didn't exist. I have told Rob about Gary and the issues I had w/him,and finding out I had been talking to GARY all along about my issues w/him,made me squeamish/mad/sad/disappointed. like how could he do this to me? Rob didn't exist after all. He was made up entirely. He was kinda like Gary's alter ego(or whatever it's called). I felt like a fool and hurt. The man I fell in love w/ did NOT exist but was just my asshole ex deceiving me once again just like he did when we dated. My job seemed to merge into my house too coz suddenly I walked into my room. I think. 

It was dark,and I saw the window which I thought was just open but had the screen intact.

Then I saw some woman climb into the window as if nothing was there. It was a fake. At 1st, I thought it might be some1 I know,or at the very least, I pretended to know who she was. I started to half tease her and say, "hey, u can't come thru here." but she never heard nore looked at me. She just walked right past me as if I weren't there; as if I were a ghost or she was. She just went right past me and out the door I just came thru. Why didn't she just use the entrance like every1 else? y was she being so sneaky? That creeped me out. It creeped me out further that she didn't even notice me there. She wasn't ignoring me. I could tell. She actually walked right past me as if she was the only 1 in the room. It was like either I or she was a ghost.

I'm pretty sure this dream has everything to do w/ even tho I trust Rob, I still fear he's gonna "turn into" Gary at the same time. He LITERALLY did in my dream. wow! talk about weird. not too surprising,considering last night was when Rob told me he wants 2 be more than just friends w/me. awww! ^_^ lol

so now u know,and I am throughly FREAKED OUT now!

What a night! I so stupidly let some man con me out of $80 last night. To add to that, every time u called me, my phone would keep disconnecting. It was frustrating to both of us. especially to me because u kept thinking I was mad at u and hanging up on u. That isn't fair! I plugged my stupid phone into the car charger,but the damn things sucks,so my phone died AGAIN! I was already in tears and frustration w/myself over being stupid. I was so vulnerable and have BEEN vulnerable for the past 6/7/8 months now. I'm madly in love w/u,and I've been holding that in all this time because I'm SCARED! I'm scared of the stupidest shit like sex. This is what holds me back. This y I never told u I loved u even tho I could tell u feel the same,and then last night u told me u had feelings,so I was forced to admit that I have them too.

 Now I gatta confess very thing else and try not to hurl and choke when I do. Now I feel exposed. Every thing is out in the open. I have to tell u the truth about my fears. About my anxieties. Ever since my last boyfriend, I have been TERRIFIED of getting into another relationship. I was hurt AND humiliated at once. Can u imagine having to be TAUGHT how 2 french kiss? when ur 21?? can u imagine being a scared virgin at 26?? It sux,but it's what keeps me holding back.  u think I want nothing to do w/u and am playing mind games,but in reality I'm just scared. =( Can u imagine being shy...PAINFULLY shy,and u have to MAKE urself kiss some1 not because they repulse u? but because u r NERVOUS,but ur bf/gf thinks ur forcing urself to take a kiss u don't want? that sux! I don't wanna do that w/U. I get panicky and feel so uncomfortable in a relationship.

That's gonna frustrate u,and don't tell me it won't. because it WILL. Maybe not at 1st,but give it enough time,and u'll def be sick of me. We'll fight all the time...just like I did w/Gary. yeah, he was an asshole,but I was a coward. =( I actually shake almost as hard as u did w/ur symptoms. I was cold and shivering A LOT last night,and I don't think it was near AS cold in my room for as hard as I was shivering. ur supposed to feel relief when u get something off ur chest,but I only got more uptight when I told u. I felt like I was gonna hurl; like I was gonna pass out,or piss my pants. It's no fun being that way. I don't wanna drag u into that frustration. I'm frustrated enough w/myself. I would DIE if u got frustrated w/me too,but I don't know what to do. I love u so much and don't want to let u go,but I am just SO. SCARED! =(

why don't u believe me?

I've been through a lot w/u. I know this is UR battle,but ur not alone. I've been w/u every step of the way ever since u told me about this. I have been there for u in ur time of need. I may pick on u/tease u at times,but u know I've been there for u and am STILL here for u now. I know u've been doing some pretty less than impressive things w/ur life,but at least u r determined to quit,and I will encourage u thru every step of the way. I know I haven't exactly told u what u mean to me; how much I love you coz I'm afraid to speak those sacred words,but I have been SHOWING u what u mean to me. y do u still not believe me? ur always telling me how much u love spending time w/me,but u also think I don't feel the same about u but I do.

I know I don't sound very convincing when I tell u I care about u or how proud I am of u for what ur doing right now,but u gatta understand..I'm scared,so I hold back a lot. I feel like I'm gonna puke every time I play a scenario thru my head of how I'm gonna confess my feelings to u. There r times when I'm w/u in person and feel like telling u then,but then I get nauseated and feel like I'm gonna choke before the words can even get to my mouth. I've told u I'm skittish and pretty much suck at relationships. I don't know what to do. I'm head over heels in love w/u,but I'm just so damn SCARED at the same time so I hold back. I've been letting u see more and more of the real me lately; letting my feelings show a little more,but I'm still holding back and acting like things r just cool when in reality, I love u so much it hurts at times. If I wasn't so scared, u and me could be together. I think  u r my best friend and my soul mate. But everything to do w/relationships(well certain parts of it anyway) FREAK ME OUT! I know it's not normal,and I'm humiliated by it. So humiliated, I can't bring myself to tell u.

There is SO.MUCH to tell u,but I'm TERRIFIED to tell u,so I hide behind my jokes,and change the subject at times. At the same time, I keep holding my feelings back and never let u know that they're there. But I want u to know,they ARE indeed there. They do exist,and I know u don't think they do. It seems like u love me too,but I KNOW that once u figure out the other side of my issues(the side I haven't told u about),ur not gonna "love me" as much as u think u do. =,( I tell u a little bit each time we talk. If we keep this up long enough,maybe I'll finally spill the beans. I will finally tell u how much I love,and what I fear. Maybe then it'll all make sense to u. I hope.

can't get this out of my head

I'm prolly over thinking again,and I pray to God I am,but I'm worried. I recently discovered that Rob has been using drugs and using since he was 12,so this has been going on for  a long time. I know he's trying his damndest to stop,and he's having side effects from it. Last night, he kept sleeping thru most of my visit and shivering. He shivered on and off again. When he walked me out to my car last night, he was shivering VIOLENTLY! He really had me worried,and he told me text him when I got home like he always does. He wants to know I made it home safe,but he never replied back. I just texted him again this morning and still nothing. I know a lot of the time his phone doesn't get text messages or anything,but it's not like him to not to reply back to me after letting him know I made it home ok. and now my imagination is kicking in over big time,and I fear for him. I'm afraid I lost him,and I keep PRAYING I didn't; that he's ok,and now I can't stop crying. I keep telling myself I'm gonna see him at work today,and I hope I do. I should call him,but I can't yet. I don't want him 2 hear me crying or KNOW I'm crying. I'm so scared something happened to him,and I'm praying like crazy that this isn't actual gut feeling I'm having but a paranoid feeling I'm getting due to me always assuming the worst. =( He's the best thing to happen to me,and I don't wanna lose him.

my thoughts

I kinda think my coworker is a little stupid. She seems nice..just kinda stupid..or ignorant if u will.

there was an ep of 2 1/2 men on in the break room,and the 1 brother had a girl over. All she wanted 2 do was get laid,but he wanted 2 talk.and get 2 know her. The girl got annoyed by it,and my coworker agreed w/her. She just wants 2 go str8 2 fucking. >.< she actually said she HATES guys like that. what?? really?? so u LIKE 1 night stands? u LIKE being used goods? really? lol am I the only 1 who found what the man was doing IMPRESSIVE? I see that as showing a woman RESPECT! I told my coworker that I'm a little old-fashioned and prefer the talkers. I don't like the pressure. >.< I guess if u don't want a relationship and "love has nothing 2 do w/it", then yeah, that WOULD be annoying.

personally, I prefer a man who wants 2 sit there and talk 2 me; get 2 know me. I don't wanna be viewed as a scrap of meat. I like men who behave like gentleman; treat me like a lady instead of like the local slut,but I guess that's just me. lol I've been doing the very thing w/Rob that my coworker disses. Just going and hanging out w/him just 2 TALK and hang in general.

and I LIKE it that way thank u very much. =) LOL it strikes me as odd that some girls like 2 just be sluts and b treated as such. no respect. no long lasting relationship... just a 1 night stand. just some1 who is like a door knob; everybody has had a turn. LOL. I see a pattern. seems like every1 hooks up just 2 get laid,then they split their ways. some of them only after a pregnancy occurs. what is so BAD about a man showing u simple respect? I don't care how GOOD sex is. Respect is respect. I will no way in HELL EVER get mad at a guy for wanting 2 talk 2 me and get 2 know me BEFORE he bangs me. lol

in fact, I LIKE the ones who will take their time w/me. I appreciate that GREATLY! of course, I'm not a slut either. XD lol

Anywho..that's 1 of the BIGGEST reasons I love Rob so much..because he is that type of guy. He's not trying to get in my pants at all. He just likes spending time w/me,and he RESPECTS me. I LOVE that,and I APPRECIATE it, GREATLY! We were watching the movie, "there's something about mary", and the part of the movie where the old guy tells his "shack up" or whatever she is that he was only banging her 2 get 2 Mary. During that part Rob says, "asshole." OMG!! I love him so much!! ^_^ it's just a movie,but the fact he SAID that(and he didn't sound like he was joking at all; he sounded serious/didn't even laugh) impressed me further. I'm glad there's at least *1* guy on this planet who is a true ANGEL(at least for me, lol) and not the usual ASSHOLE that most men are. I love him so much more for that! ^_^

Also..it made my heart swell w/JOY/pride/happiness when he told me I make him feel better. awwww! ^_^ he tends 2 ignore every1 when he's in a rotten mood,but he said it wasn't right 2 ignore ppl who care about him/he cares about too...which was when he used me as an example of that and said I make him feel better. AWWWWWWWWWWW! ^__^ I think my heart melted and oozed everywhere last night wen he said that. I doubt he saw the sappy grin on my face since we were walking in the dark,but maaaaaaan was I cheesin. lol. That made me feel so WONDERFUL hearing that. I'm GLAD I can put a smile on the face of the very man who makes ME smile. ^_^