Saturday, December 13, 2014
dream or obnoxious spirit?
I have been having this "dream"(and so has my friend) for years about something or someone I can't see that keeps poking me in the ribs,and just plain GRABBING me just for the sake of TOUCHING me I think,and I'm ALWAYS paralyzed. I can't fight off whatever keeps touching me. I can feel my muscles HURTING from trying to move. it's like it only wants to grab just to keep me from moving coz I can't move when it touches me. it will just grab me then hold me. it doesn't move me anywhere, it doesn't make any sound whatsoever,it doesn't attack me really..not in the violent sense that I'd think a demon would do. I just don't get it. why has it been bothering me for all these years? what does it want? I've been calling it a bad dream all this time,but why do I keep having it? why does it attack me only at night when I'm in the dark? when I sleep w/the light on or in the day time,I have no issues. It's y I stay up all night. This is also the ONLY "dream" I keep having years and years later, I can't see what's attacking me,and I can't move to fight it off. Did I mention that I can barely talk? I think I'm starting to get more control of my voice now. In fact, I end up talking in my sleep. I don't think I do that when I'm actually dreaming. I am always wherever I'm currently sleeping(for instance, my room) when this happens. I do escape when I wake up. I don't sense a presence or anything paranormal at all,but I wonder what the HELL it is?! I keep wondering if maybe some type of "spirit" is really annoying me all the time? I can't anymore think of a logical explanation for what I'm experiencing..especially since my friend at least 1 other person gets these "dreams" too. =/
Thursday, November 27, 2014
it's weird some of the things I remember that I hadn't thought about in a while...
It wasn't too long after my boyfriend's death(maybe a month or 2 after at most) that I had a dream about him. We were in a crowded store,and he was almost as far away from me as from 1 side of the store to the other. It was strange how crowded the store was,yet it wasn't even noisy. Nobody else seemed to notice anything going around them. They didn't notice me,and they didn't notice Rob.
I saw Rob on the other side in a crowd of people looking from 1 left to right like he was looking for something-or someone. I kept watching him a distance kinda frozen like that-not sure how to react and suddenly,it was like he could sense me looking at him coz he finally looked over my way,and our eyes met. As soon as our eyes made contact, he somehow,without a lot of effort, managed to make a bee-line towards me right through the crowd. He would've had to push through people,but none of them noticed,and I don't recall he actually PUSHED through them. He was in a hurry to get me.
Once he got to me,he wasn't even out of breathe or anything,he just looked me in the eye and said, "do u know what happened to me?" This dream didn't seem real,but at least 1 friend thinks he actually visited me in my dream. I remember crying all over again and telling him what his dad had told me and like his dad, I didn't know. The weird thing is I was crying and getting loud in a crowd of people,and NOBODY noticed. In real life, that would catch attention.
It was like we were BOTH invisible to everyone. We actually walked outside after that and in spite of the crowd inside, it was practically empty in the parking lot. I remember calming down and chatting w/Rob like old times. I had asked him, "have u seen God yet?" and he kinda looked at me as if surprised by my question. He also seemed to have to think about it and said, "umm I think he's over here.." and he kinda walked over to a spot where there was a dumpster or something there,and he was insinuating maybe God was "behind" whatever that dumpster/wall was. I didn't really wanna go too close to the spot anyway,but I kinda craned my neck a little and somewhat "looked."
It was then that I woke up from the dream. My friend thinks he actually visited me and that it means he's w/Jesus. Ok, assuming that's true, y did he have to ask me what happened then? wouldn't he already KNOW if he was actually w/God?? It doesn't make sense! =/
I saw Rob on the other side in a crowd of people looking from 1 left to right like he was looking for something-or someone. I kept watching him a distance kinda frozen like that-not sure how to react and suddenly,it was like he could sense me looking at him coz he finally looked over my way,and our eyes met. As soon as our eyes made contact, he somehow,without a lot of effort, managed to make a bee-line towards me right through the crowd. He would've had to push through people,but none of them noticed,and I don't recall he actually PUSHED through them. He was in a hurry to get me.
Once he got to me,he wasn't even out of breathe or anything,he just looked me in the eye and said, "do u know what happened to me?" This dream didn't seem real,but at least 1 friend thinks he actually visited me in my dream. I remember crying all over again and telling him what his dad had told me and like his dad, I didn't know. The weird thing is I was crying and getting loud in a crowd of people,and NOBODY noticed. In real life, that would catch attention.
It was like we were BOTH invisible to everyone. We actually walked outside after that and in spite of the crowd inside, it was practically empty in the parking lot. I remember calming down and chatting w/Rob like old times. I had asked him, "have u seen God yet?" and he kinda looked at me as if surprised by my question. He also seemed to have to think about it and said, "umm I think he's over here.." and he kinda walked over to a spot where there was a dumpster or something there,and he was insinuating maybe God was "behind" whatever that dumpster/wall was. I didn't really wanna go too close to the spot anyway,but I kinda craned my neck a little and somewhat "looked."
It was then that I woke up from the dream. My friend thinks he actually visited me and that it means he's w/Jesus. Ok, assuming that's true, y did he have to ask me what happened then? wouldn't he already KNOW if he was actually w/God?? It doesn't make sense! =/
Saturday, November 15, 2014
just some thoughts...
so while I'm struggling to retain this faith that I supposedly "have", I'm wondering if I'm a hopeless cause, or work in progress? I want to believe fully 100% in God and that he had a son who died for us and saved us,but I must admit..all the atheists I run into make damn good cases that I can't argue. I don't entirely believe either. I've been feeling like I have a curse on me between these creepy dreams of being touched by something or someone I can't see and not being able to fight back coz I can't move,financial crisis like my inability to get AND keep a job,the loss of my boyfriend, and my inability to understand and remember anything at school,it's really taking it's toll on me. I feel like no amount of praying ever does any good; it's like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear me or worse...doesn't exist. However, how did we all get here without some sort of creator? How did the earth,the planets,and the whole solar system-everything come to be without someone or something putting us and them/it all here? I want to believe in the supernatural/spirits so badly because I want there to be an after-life. If this all there is then what's the point of existing? I don't like the idea existing for a little while only to go back into non-existance. It's easy to see y people get so depressed. I get depressed A LOT and angry. I know my christian friends def caught on to me being a challenge. sometimes, I think they might feel like I'm a hopeless cause. I'm a negative person who doesn't believe in much,but I just sometimes go thru way too much at once or when I do get blessed, I usually get cursed shortly after..my boyfriend was a good example of that. I found an AMAZING guy who loved me back and proved it.
He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(
He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(
Sunday, September 21, 2014
I miss u all the time...
Just when I think I've finally healed...
Just when I think enough time has passed..
I am proven wrong with a memory or ur picture..
I have a new crush,but it still doesn't replace the undying TRUE love we shared.
I think of u all the time.
certain things happen that remind me of u and all we had done together or went through.
I miss u all the time.
U cross my mind often.
I look at people getting married;having kids and think that could have been us.
I have to always fight jealousy over the couples I see.
I want to be able to someday fall in love again,yet at the same time I find myself begging God not let me fall for another because the pain of losing u has scarred me so bad.
I'm like a soldier in a brutal war..even though I have survived and made it home in 1 piece, I'm still scarred on the inside.
I'm still uptight and nervous and in much pain
I feel the pain as much today as I did the day u died.
I MISS U!
True love truly never dies, my love for,
I still love u more than anything in this world.
I still LONG to hold and kiss u again.
I still die to hear ur voice again..
I MISS u every single day no matter much I think I've healed.
Time doesn't really heal. it makes it easier to deal w/but it never cures the pain.
I've learned how to laugh and smile again but in the middle of it all,
I still feel deep sadness for ur constant absence.
I want u to be apart of my life both bad and good.
We were meant to be.
I would give anything to have u back.
I miss u so much, my love.
My partner-in-crime.
No other man can take ur place.
No other man can make feel the way u did; make me HAPPY the way u did.
No other man will think like me and GET me the way u did.
I miss u so much!
The world is a cruel enough place without losing the 1 person who makes it easier to get through.
It sucks enough without having to lose my 1 true love.
I miss u,Sweet heart,
Rest in Peace.
I pray there really is a heaven,and u r there right now waiting for me to join u when my time comes.
I love u, Robert Paul Stizza.
I'll ALWAYS miss u-always love u for the rest of my days.
Just when I think enough time has passed..
I am proven wrong with a memory or ur picture..
I have a new crush,but it still doesn't replace the undying TRUE love we shared.
I think of u all the time.
certain things happen that remind me of u and all we had done together or went through.
I miss u all the time.
U cross my mind often.
I look at people getting married;having kids and think that could have been us.
I have to always fight jealousy over the couples I see.
I want to be able to someday fall in love again,yet at the same time I find myself begging God not let me fall for another because the pain of losing u has scarred me so bad.
I'm like a soldier in a brutal war..even though I have survived and made it home in 1 piece, I'm still scarred on the inside.
I'm still uptight and nervous and in much pain
I feel the pain as much today as I did the day u died.
I MISS U!
True love truly never dies, my love for,
I still love u more than anything in this world.
I still LONG to hold and kiss u again.
I still die to hear ur voice again..
I MISS u every single day no matter much I think I've healed.
Time doesn't really heal. it makes it easier to deal w/but it never cures the pain.
I've learned how to laugh and smile again but in the middle of it all,
I still feel deep sadness for ur constant absence.
I want u to be apart of my life both bad and good.
We were meant to be.
I would give anything to have u back.
I miss u so much, my love.
My partner-in-crime.
No other man can take ur place.
No other man can make feel the way u did; make me HAPPY the way u did.
No other man will think like me and GET me the way u did.
I miss u so much!
The world is a cruel enough place without losing the 1 person who makes it easier to get through.
It sucks enough without having to lose my 1 true love.
I miss u,Sweet heart,
Rest in Peace.
I pray there really is a heaven,and u r there right now waiting for me to join u when my time comes.
I love u, Robert Paul Stizza.
I'll ALWAYS miss u-always love u for the rest of my days.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
the dreams are back!! ^_^
I came from church today,passed out for the rest of the day,and had a dream about the guy I like and shouldn't. lol!! it's a little un-nerving because I SWEAR we r def having an affair in my dreams. shit! =0 all my dreams about him were him flirting w/me very "discreetly"; keeping his distance a little but not too far. I've had a dream where we were both standing on a playgroud full of kids. I think we were watching over a church group of children or something,and there were a few swing sets(not just 1 like playgrounds usually have),and I was standing near by 1 swing set talking to some of the kids playing on it,and there was another 1 only a few feet away,and HE was standing under that 1(there were no kids on that 1). He was just standing there all cool and calm and LOOKING at me..and SMILING!! AHHHH!! I think I had dreams of him doing the same thing,and we'd have these "moments" where not much happens,but u know SOMETHING is DEF happening. It usually starts w/the LOOKS.
Anyway this time we got a little more bold. In THIS dream I had, I think I had stuck around at church or something for a long time. I was the last to leave,and I mean the last by several HOURS. lol It was just him and maybe 1 other guy from our church hanging around and talking to him a while. I kinda kept to myself for a while and gathered my stuff then left. Suddenly, the dream skips over to him coming to my house. I invited him in,but he wouldn't come in. He said to meet him out back..thru my back yard. He had brought some stuff over for me. I can't remember if he was giving me something or if I had left something behind that he brought back to me. Anyway, he was so clever in his little scheme. I went out back and met him at the gate. Literally all that was between us was a damn fence and not a very high 1 either. I think he set my stuff down on the ground 1st and either, right over the gate,or walked thru it when I opened it, he looked at me for only a few seconds,I started to grin and blush a little,then he kissed me!! ^_^ I mean we made out a little but only a little coz I blushed so bad, I pulled away. probably turning bright red. lol! I hate that even in the DREAMS, he's married,so I'm kinda an adulterous witch in my dreams. I def wouldn't do this in real life,and I don't think he would either. But ohhh are we HORRIBLE people in my dreams!! I GOT TO KISS HIM!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! and since it was JUST a dream, I don't see how it was wrong in anyway. They say dreams are the best way to act your problems and fantasies in a safe way. Coz u could never do these things in real life w/o DIRE consequences,but it's perfectly ok in a dream. =) Besides...I only get dreams..his wife gets to have him for REAL. She still wins. =) lol and I can act out my desires w/o being a home wrecker. ;) =D
Anyway this time we got a little more bold. In THIS dream I had, I think I had stuck around at church or something for a long time. I was the last to leave,and I mean the last by several HOURS. lol It was just him and maybe 1 other guy from our church hanging around and talking to him a while. I kinda kept to myself for a while and gathered my stuff then left. Suddenly, the dream skips over to him coming to my house. I invited him in,but he wouldn't come in. He said to meet him out back..thru my back yard. He had brought some stuff over for me. I can't remember if he was giving me something or if I had left something behind that he brought back to me. Anyway, he was so clever in his little scheme. I went out back and met him at the gate. Literally all that was between us was a damn fence and not a very high 1 either. I think he set my stuff down on the ground 1st and either, right over the gate,or walked thru it when I opened it, he looked at me for only a few seconds,I started to grin and blush a little,then he kissed me!! ^_^ I mean we made out a little but only a little coz I blushed so bad, I pulled away. probably turning bright red. lol! I hate that even in the DREAMS, he's married,so I'm kinda an adulterous witch in my dreams. I def wouldn't do this in real life,and I don't think he would either. But ohhh are we HORRIBLE people in my dreams!! I GOT TO KISS HIM!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! and since it was JUST a dream, I don't see how it was wrong in anyway. They say dreams are the best way to act your problems and fantasies in a safe way. Coz u could never do these things in real life w/o DIRE consequences,but it's perfectly ok in a dream. =) Besides...I only get dreams..his wife gets to have him for REAL. She still wins. =) lol and I can act out my desires w/o being a home wrecker. ;) =D
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
so much going on
I still have Rob's pic up on blogger. I think I shall keep it up. Anyway so much crap lately. I finally got my car,but it needs to be fixed still and made legal. laptop just HAD 2 stop working. doesn't get power to it anymore,and I have to replace it. greaaat. oh..school started and..I have a huge crush on somebody I shouldn't be crushing on. It's embarassing actually. He's like 15 years older than I am and even worse...he's MARRIED! =( I kinda thought my crush on him ended,but it came back and at full force. oh shit! lol. I have had an abundance of dreams about him too(and his wife as well) talk about irony. I'm glad I haven't had them lately,but I would kinda like the dreams again w/HIM please? just him. =D I kinda feel guilty because he's married,and my crush on him is getting BIGGER,however this full-blown crush has also SERIOUSLY soothed the pain of losing Rob big time.
Even if he was single,and we were dating,he could never in anyway replace Rob. He's NOT ROB. He's sweet and cute, fun to talk to like Rob,but he just wouldn't be able to satisfy me intellectually or any other way like Rob did. I can't explain it,but this is DEF JUST a crush. Rob was my true love. No man can ever replace what was stolen from me no matter how hard he tries. =( I will always love Rob for the rest of my life. NOTHING and NO1 can ever change that. I will, however, enjoy this silly crush I'm having and PRAY he doesn't catch on. That would be embarassing! =( I got to see him dance the other day,and it made me HAPPY. Happier than I should have been. Oh man. This man is sooooo easy to talk to,and he even made me feel better when I opened up to him about Rob. That does NOT mean I should be having this huge crush on him. UGH! lol. just because he happens to be a KNOCK OUT as well as a sweet heart is NO excuse for having a crush on him. lol!!
I am also still on the teeter totter w/my faith. It's up and down. Is it there? is it not? I dunno what I believe. I'm happy tho that a friend of mine who just last year wanted nothing to do w/church or God is now FULLY CONVICTED in her faith NOW and attends church. I'm so happy for her. =) and envious coz even SHE has FAITH. like for real. I wish I had it,but it's something I gatta work on I guess. Spiritual maturity doesn't happen over night. Gatta keep pushing forward. Just like when Rob died,and I thought I would be depressed and miserable forever,but I kept pushing forward coz it was my only choice. Same goes w/my faith. gatta keep pushing for it. Maybe I am making progress since my mental attacks r starting up again. Not as bad as they were when I lost Rob,but they r kinda creeping back up on me. Rob would be SHOCKED if he saw me now. I actually hung out w/somebody he thought I hated. I didn't like her,but I don't hate her either. She just rubbed me the wrong way back then,and I noticed as my feelings for Rob got stronger,I started feeling more threatened by "the other woman". I don't care anymore. Losing my better half shook me to my core and hurt me soo bad. She was best friends w/him too,and according to a mutual friend, she bawled over his death too. I think they were best friends too,but I had more w/Rob. He was the love of my life,so aside from his family, his death hurt me the most. =(
Anyways..I try to look at this crush as aloe vera for the burn of losing Rob. lol! coz it sure SOOTHED the pain big time. It helps me to not think about Rob so much, since thinking about him now tends to make me kinda depressed. I miss him ALL the time! Constantly! I miss him sooooooooooooooooooo much! 2 of my friends think he's w/me now in spirit. pssh yeah right! I WISH! but I doubt it. he's either in the grave awaiting resurrection,or he's (hopefully) in heaven. he's not there,and he's not watching over me. That's wishful thinking. >.< =( Anyway..I'm gonna go back to swooning over him,and praying it doesn't get out of hand,and I get caught. lol and I must go to bed. School in the A.M. =)
Even if he was single,and we were dating,he could never in anyway replace Rob. He's NOT ROB. He's sweet and cute, fun to talk to like Rob,but he just wouldn't be able to satisfy me intellectually or any other way like Rob did. I can't explain it,but this is DEF JUST a crush. Rob was my true love. No man can ever replace what was stolen from me no matter how hard he tries. =( I will always love Rob for the rest of my life. NOTHING and NO1 can ever change that. I will, however, enjoy this silly crush I'm having and PRAY he doesn't catch on. That would be embarassing! =( I got to see him dance the other day,and it made me HAPPY. Happier than I should have been. Oh man. This man is sooooo easy to talk to,and he even made me feel better when I opened up to him about Rob. That does NOT mean I should be having this huge crush on him. UGH! lol. just because he happens to be a KNOCK OUT as well as a sweet heart is NO excuse for having a crush on him. lol!!
I am also still on the teeter totter w/my faith. It's up and down. Is it there? is it not? I dunno what I believe. I'm happy tho that a friend of mine who just last year wanted nothing to do w/church or God is now FULLY CONVICTED in her faith NOW and attends church. I'm so happy for her. =) and envious coz even SHE has FAITH. like for real. I wish I had it,but it's something I gatta work on I guess. Spiritual maturity doesn't happen over night. Gatta keep pushing forward. Just like when Rob died,and I thought I would be depressed and miserable forever,but I kept pushing forward coz it was my only choice. Same goes w/my faith. gatta keep pushing for it. Maybe I am making progress since my mental attacks r starting up again. Not as bad as they were when I lost Rob,but they r kinda creeping back up on me. Rob would be SHOCKED if he saw me now. I actually hung out w/somebody he thought I hated. I didn't like her,but I don't hate her either. She just rubbed me the wrong way back then,and I noticed as my feelings for Rob got stronger,I started feeling more threatened by "the other woman". I don't care anymore. Losing my better half shook me to my core and hurt me soo bad. She was best friends w/him too,and according to a mutual friend, she bawled over his death too. I think they were best friends too,but I had more w/Rob. He was the love of my life,so aside from his family, his death hurt me the most. =(
Anyways..I try to look at this crush as aloe vera for the burn of losing Rob. lol! coz it sure SOOTHED the pain big time. It helps me to not think about Rob so much, since thinking about him now tends to make me kinda depressed. I miss him ALL the time! Constantly! I miss him sooooooooooooooooooo much! 2 of my friends think he's w/me now in spirit. pssh yeah right! I WISH! but I doubt it. he's either in the grave awaiting resurrection,or he's (hopefully) in heaven. he's not there,and he's not watching over me. That's wishful thinking. >.< =( Anyway..I'm gonna go back to swooning over him,and praying it doesn't get out of hand,and I get caught. lol and I must go to bed. School in the A.M. =)
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
I had yet another dream earlier today that at least wasn't so sad
I was sitting on this bench-like a bus stop bench kinda thing,but it was in front of some1's house. It was like 1 of those nice neighborhoods where the houses r so close together and usually have privacy fences in the back yard,and I think the bench might have been on the sidewalk,or in the yard itself of this 1 house. This black guy-looked like he was a teenager maybe..came out,and decided to come sit on the bench beside me,but at least he sat on the other end as far from me as possible..at 1st. Now, I don't trust ppl-PERIOD. I could tell by his body language,and the weird looks he started to give me that he had intentions I wasn't the least bit interested in and sure enough, he tried to touch me; grab me or something,and I slapped him a few times. He just grinned like it was soooooo "funny". I think I might have been in a bad mood,or I just simply didn't want this guy getting too fresh w/me,and I had to hit him quite a few times before he got it thru his head to keep his damn hands off of me. Anyway, he suddenly starts talking to me,and I "de-thaw" a little and start openly talking to..especially now that he stops being an asshole,lol.
We looked at the sky,and it had an interesting look to it. It was a day time sky,but I think we saw a few stars,and maybe the moon,plus a small section of the sky was dark or somewhat cloudy,while the rest of it was still clear blue. I got to where I was telling him about how I like to sometimes take pics,and the sky is 1 of my fav things to take pics of. I decided to pull my camera out of my purse and take actual pics then. While this was happening, I saw this big DARK shadow like thing rise up from behind the houses-it was TOWERING over them like a big tsunami wave that was hovering over all the houses,and that's what I thought it was too-a HUGE WAVE like there was an ocean back there,and this huge ass wave was about to crash over us. I screamed,until it "disappeared", then I realized it was literally just a "big shadow". at the time, the boy starts laughing,and his mother walks out the door-I think because she heard me scream coz she asked us about the screaming. I told her "it was me coz I thought a big wave was about to crash over us,and drown us." and the boy laughed hysterically because I screamed. Asshole. anyway, that was my strange dream from earlier today. LOL
We looked at the sky,and it had an interesting look to it. It was a day time sky,but I think we saw a few stars,and maybe the moon,plus a small section of the sky was dark or somewhat cloudy,while the rest of it was still clear blue. I got to where I was telling him about how I like to sometimes take pics,and the sky is 1 of my fav things to take pics of. I decided to pull my camera out of my purse and take actual pics then. While this was happening, I saw this big DARK shadow like thing rise up from behind the houses-it was TOWERING over them like a big tsunami wave that was hovering over all the houses,and that's what I thought it was too-a HUGE WAVE like there was an ocean back there,and this huge ass wave was about to crash over us. I screamed,until it "disappeared", then I realized it was literally just a "big shadow". at the time, the boy starts laughing,and his mother walks out the door-I think because she heard me scream coz she asked us about the screaming. I told her "it was me coz I thought a big wave was about to crash over us,and drown us." and the boy laughed hysterically because I screamed. Asshole. anyway, that was my strange dream from earlier today. LOL
I get all the strange(or sad) ones...=(
I had a dream that actually about broke my heart. I haven't had 1 of those since Rob died,and I had 1 about watching him die(again). In this 1 I had 2 friends(whom I now can't remember who they were); a guy and a girl,and the 2 of us were on the run from something. I think we might have been on some weird deserted island since I remember being on some type of "beach" right before we headed into this "house" I guess it was. There was nobody around as far as we could tell,but whatever was out there would surely sneak up on us,so we couldn't be too careful. I remember the 3 of us would walk kinda slow,and look around. For some freaking reason, we were naked. It was like we were on some "survivor" show or something only we weren't. Anyway, we walked in this house and headed up the stairs. It looked nice inside; carpet,nothing rotting...liveable like it was,but there not being anybody around made things too suspicious,and we stayed on guard the whole time.
We went into a master bedroom type room-ya know bedroom w/bathroom,but I don't think there was a bed up there. There wasn't really any furniture in the house,and I don't remember if these 2 "creatures" were right behind us-like stalking us,or if we walked into the room already(too late) and realized those things were in the room. Either way, the guy opened up the closet and made me in the girl get in ahead of him,then closed the door. A second later,he barely opened it much and had to squeeze in behind us;he had brought in some sort of 2X4 plywood of some sort,and I thought he was gonna attempt to seal the closet door shut w/it.
What he did instead was when these 2 creatures(they were like dogs or something. they walked on all 4s but their bodies were shaped so odd,I couldn't tell what they were. they weren't normal "animals") 1 had like makeup all over it's face,and looked somewhere between "human" and "animal". I don't even know how to describe what it looked like. the other just had no face from what I could tell,and it was 1 solid color. Anyway, the guy took the plywood thing,slid it under the closet door,and stabbed 1 of the "creatures" w/it. he managed to kill it,and the other "animal" cried like a dog. the same way a dog cries,and I could tell it was the cry of mourning and from what I could see thru the slits of the closet door,the 1 still alive dragged the body of the other w/it,and went into the bathroom that was right next to our hiding place. Then the guy opened up the door,and rushed me and the other girl out, on the way out she started saying, "ya know this is prolly a trap. ya think?" I knew where she was going w/this. Maybe the creature took off to the bathroom to make us think we were safe,so we would come out,and it would attack us,but it never came out. we made our way slowly out of the room,and the creature never came back out-not even to get revenge on us.
I almost cried. I never said anything to my 2 friends,but I was thinking about how the creatures weren't even making an effort to get us-not even after we just killed it's friend. I was also thinking, "didn't u hear it CRY like that when u killed the other creature?" I didn't think it meant us any harm,but we sure harmed THEM,and I felt bad. I was still scared; still felt we needed to get the hell out of there,but I almost cried when I realized the 1 creature was mourning over the other 1. how can something that mourns the death of another be "evil"? I even felt a bit sad when I woke up from that dream. It also reminds me of Rob. It was us 2; a couple,and how deep in mourning I've been since HIS death. Maybe that's what made the dream the saddest for me was it hit so close to home. I didn't even remember Rob while I was dreaming,but I sure thought of him when I woke up. It was so sad. =,(
We went into a master bedroom type room-ya know bedroom w/bathroom,but I don't think there was a bed up there. There wasn't really any furniture in the house,and I don't remember if these 2 "creatures" were right behind us-like stalking us,or if we walked into the room already(too late) and realized those things were in the room. Either way, the guy opened up the closet and made me in the girl get in ahead of him,then closed the door. A second later,he barely opened it much and had to squeeze in behind us;he had brought in some sort of 2X4 plywood of some sort,and I thought he was gonna attempt to seal the closet door shut w/it.
What he did instead was when these 2 creatures(they were like dogs or something. they walked on all 4s but their bodies were shaped so odd,I couldn't tell what they were. they weren't normal "animals") 1 had like makeup all over it's face,and looked somewhere between "human" and "animal". I don't even know how to describe what it looked like. the other just had no face from what I could tell,and it was 1 solid color. Anyway, the guy took the plywood thing,slid it under the closet door,and stabbed 1 of the "creatures" w/it. he managed to kill it,and the other "animal" cried like a dog. the same way a dog cries,and I could tell it was the cry of mourning and from what I could see thru the slits of the closet door,the 1 still alive dragged the body of the other w/it,and went into the bathroom that was right next to our hiding place. Then the guy opened up the door,and rushed me and the other girl out, on the way out she started saying, "ya know this is prolly a trap. ya think?" I knew where she was going w/this. Maybe the creature took off to the bathroom to make us think we were safe,so we would come out,and it would attack us,but it never came out. we made our way slowly out of the room,and the creature never came back out-not even to get revenge on us.
I almost cried. I never said anything to my 2 friends,but I was thinking about how the creatures weren't even making an effort to get us-not even after we just killed it's friend. I was also thinking, "didn't u hear it CRY like that when u killed the other creature?" I didn't think it meant us any harm,but we sure harmed THEM,and I felt bad. I was still scared; still felt we needed to get the hell out of there,but I almost cried when I realized the 1 creature was mourning over the other 1. how can something that mourns the death of another be "evil"? I even felt a bit sad when I woke up from that dream. It also reminds me of Rob. It was us 2; a couple,and how deep in mourning I've been since HIS death. Maybe that's what made the dream the saddest for me was it hit so close to home. I didn't even remember Rob while I was dreaming,but I sure thought of him when I woke up. It was so sad. =,(
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
I actually had a dream about the end times
ok..so last night I was feeling very depressed..like the way I've been on and off again since the love of my life died. I've been reading in the bible,and there is so much scripture that does indeed back up the beliefs of the jehovah's witnesses that we don't go anywhere when we die. we just "sleep"..or cease to exist. That is DEPRESSING to me. All my life, I was taught by almost every church I went to that UPON dying..we all go straight to heaven or hell. If u are saved; accepted Jesus's salvation, u get to be w/him in heaven,and go to hell if u didn't accept it, which means u have to pay for ur OWN sins because u refused to let Jesus do that for u,so u r in hell because u r AWAY from Jesus;away from God,so all hope,peace,love, etc no longer exists for u.
Nope. That's not QUITE how it goes. It is,but it doesn't happen upon death. =( Until, I met some jehova's witnesses at my job, I never thought any other way. They told me that we ALL be resurrected at the same time when Jesus comes back to regin the world and judge us...at the end times..until then,we just "sleep". our souls don't go ANYWHERE... are thoughts DO indeed go out like the rest of us. I know, I'll never know it anyway,but the thought of my existance completely ceasing makes me DEPRESSED! I liked the idea of their being other dimensions and a spirit world that we would go to UPON death,but nope. life truly ends when life ends. =(
The odd thing is I was so upset I was kinda in tears,and I didn't go to bed until 5 this morning..but the time I finally went to sleep..I actually had a dream about being in the beginning of the end times. Nobody was in danger YET,but there were certain things going in the dream;certain things I read about that all pointed to the signs of Jesus's return,and I was panicking coz I knew what would happen. I read both "revelations" and the left behind books,and I was terrified. I was trying to warn ppl,and let them know what would happen,but everybody was too calm. Even Ted and Sherry-my friends, were waaay too calm about it.
my CHRISTIAN friends were not taking me seriously. I asked them, " have u ever read the left behind books? this is how it starts." Sherry was giggling and all over the place like a child or a high person...Ted shrugged and told me "Sherry's drunk." I couldn't understand y no1 was LISTENING to me! even my christian friends weren't listening to me,and I was soooo frustrated and losing my mind on every1. They all looked at me as if to say, "just relax. life's good. nothing's gonna happen. we'll be FINE." I was the only 1 who saw the seriousness of the situation.
I think I wanna tell my pastor about this dream because of not only the fact I got it,but the TIMING of which I got it. I would love to hear what HIS take on this is. I know of all the bad things scriptures foretells happening before Jesus returns,and I don't wanna be here when/if that happens,yet I don't like the idea of my very existance ceasing either. although..between the 2..I think I'd rather cease to exist than to go thru what they go thru in the novels,and is supposed to happen for REAL. It's NOT just fiction!! The only reason I can enjoy horror movies/books is because they r FICTION!!! if it becomes REAL..it's gonna be a NIGHTMARE!!! =( I don't think this is something(altho it COULD be)God showed me just because of how upset I was over this ceasing to exist nonsense,but I do have to wonder about the timing of the dream,yet I would think it would be some sort of vision if it came straight from God wouldn't it? wouldn't it seem so VIVID,and be something I could never shake; forget for even a little a while,yet it has the same effect on me all dreams do..sometimes I remember it,and at other times, I don't think about it at all.
Nope. That's not QUITE how it goes. It is,but it doesn't happen upon death. =( Until, I met some jehova's witnesses at my job, I never thought any other way. They told me that we ALL be resurrected at the same time when Jesus comes back to regin the world and judge us...at the end times..until then,we just "sleep". our souls don't go ANYWHERE... are thoughts DO indeed go out like the rest of us. I know, I'll never know it anyway,but the thought of my existance completely ceasing makes me DEPRESSED! I liked the idea of their being other dimensions and a spirit world that we would go to UPON death,but nope. life truly ends when life ends. =(
The odd thing is I was so upset I was kinda in tears,and I didn't go to bed until 5 this morning..but the time I finally went to sleep..I actually had a dream about being in the beginning of the end times. Nobody was in danger YET,but there were certain things going in the dream;certain things I read about that all pointed to the signs of Jesus's return,and I was panicking coz I knew what would happen. I read both "revelations" and the left behind books,and I was terrified. I was trying to warn ppl,and let them know what would happen,but everybody was too calm. Even Ted and Sherry-my friends, were waaay too calm about it.
my CHRISTIAN friends were not taking me seriously. I asked them, " have u ever read the left behind books? this is how it starts." Sherry was giggling and all over the place like a child or a high person...Ted shrugged and told me "Sherry's drunk." I couldn't understand y no1 was LISTENING to me! even my christian friends weren't listening to me,and I was soooo frustrated and losing my mind on every1. They all looked at me as if to say, "just relax. life's good. nothing's gonna happen. we'll be FINE." I was the only 1 who saw the seriousness of the situation.
I think I wanna tell my pastor about this dream because of not only the fact I got it,but the TIMING of which I got it. I would love to hear what HIS take on this is. I know of all the bad things scriptures foretells happening before Jesus returns,and I don't wanna be here when/if that happens,yet I don't like the idea of my very existance ceasing either. although..between the 2..I think I'd rather cease to exist than to go thru what they go thru in the novels,and is supposed to happen for REAL. It's NOT just fiction!! The only reason I can enjoy horror movies/books is because they r FICTION!!! if it becomes REAL..it's gonna be a NIGHTMARE!!! =( I don't think this is something(altho it COULD be)God showed me just because of how upset I was over this ceasing to exist nonsense,but I do have to wonder about the timing of the dream,yet I would think it would be some sort of vision if it came straight from God wouldn't it? wouldn't it seem so VIVID,and be something I could never shake; forget for even a little a while,yet it has the same effect on me all dreams do..sometimes I remember it,and at other times, I don't think about it at all.
I dunno if this is true or not,but it is an interesting "comment" I read on youtube.
" WHAT HAPPENS AT DEATH EXPLAINED: Not everyone on thee earth is a human now. Some are Lucifers, some are the Lords. Lucifer places demons or reptilian in human bodies, often without their knowledge so that some alive now who THINK they are humans themselves in actuality are one EVIL and not of the Lords, and two will be shocked to find themselves in an un pleasant place at the death of their human body because these are human angel hybrids and these have, therefore an immortal spirit. This explains why some have after life experiences, and others do not. The Most High Yahua created man to place life and DEATH before him. Death is like blowing out a candle - the fire didn't GO anywhere, it just disappears.
Draconian angels have bred with humans, and their children are half human, half angel. They are what we now call reptilians. Reptilians are liars. They claim they are an ancient race who does not know from where they originated. Meanwhile demons are half human half watcher angel hybrids, thee ancient giant nephilem of old, who lived on the spirit realm when their human body expired.
During this time Lucifer is allowed to place HIS on the planet and these are being used ultimately to infiltrate the 666 chip. This chip will become a time horrific beyond your worst nightmares. Humans are instructed to flee to the high and the dry places, get AWAY from the cities during those 3.5 years.
"As for the living, they are conscious that they will die, but the dead, they are NOT CONSCIOUS OF NOTHING AT ALL, neither is there any remembrance of them." The creator also tells us "when he dies, man goes back to his ground, in that day his THOUGHTS DO PERISH."
Sometimes when a human body dies that housed a reptilian or nephilem the spirit remains in thee area where it once had lived in our dimension. Fallen angels and evil human angel hybrids live in the 4th dimension. Heaven is 5th, and humans live in the 3rd. In fact, our solar system used to be 5th dimension before the creation of man, and angels lived on many of our planets - and this is where Lucifer rose to power on one of those planets to invent POLITICS, and MONEY. Outer space is now a harsh place, it is the bottomless pit revelations talks about, it is not a place for humans. The bible says "To the heavens, to Yahuah the heavens belong - thee earth He has given to the sons of men." The creators throne is in the sun. After this, if you are interested in space travel, the creator can no longer protect you it's your choice. The 4th dimension is an evil den of inequity and demons and reptilian want a human body so they torment humans to weaken them or cause them to do evil to thee extent the Most High must, due to legal rights turn them over to the fallen angels. In this way the fallen angels and co. are able to aquire a human body to live in. They call it soul scalping.
These evil spirit persons also use haunting so as it appears a house is haunted, and every place else is not because they don't want peeps to know the secret Yehusha taught us when he came here, that thee earth is owned by Draconians who torture good people. In truth all humans are intimately haunted and you are constantly being watched and "operated on." It's a constant fight to keep your demon in his place the bible calls it "a wrestling."
The reason fallen angels produce ghost phenomena is because they are HERE, with us and they are very bad. Think of a thief who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar - the first thing he does is POINT - to a distraction, anything will do, place the blame on someone other phenomena. Like your mind may be starting to figure out a relative is not a human - in this case the alien will produce a phenomena and pretend to be shocked. Fallen angels try to place the bad guy in some mysterious place your mind goes such that your don't reason along the lines that fallen angels are real, and live here in human bodies and could be right next to you. The humans body is the most efficient means of locomotion in our atmosphere and Draconian can shape shift into a pencil if they want - why would they use anything else? The bible and angels and fallen angels are supposed to be relegated to fairy tale giberish now - Lucifers plane of thought currently is to "burn the bible without burning it" his actual quote. The basic idea if you know fallen angels are real, the creator becomes real and the Draconian can not have that.
IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT THEE OTHER DIMENSIONS AND THOSE WHO LIVE THERE, and the history of our solar system:
Even a father, brother, husband, wife, son, husband or sister could be one of THEM. Posers: Placed here by Lucifer - the (partially human, currently) systems tolerance of crime in jails speaks as testament to how effective these wolves who on occasion flash carefully orchestrated sheep clothing are here with us now currently - they being perpetually forgiven by society. Lucifer has been given the legal right to place his own down here on thee earth in our day. "just as in the days of Noah, so the presence of the son of man will be." (In Noah's day the giants walked thee earth.) REPTILIANS: A reptilian is an angel/human hybrid - Cain became the first reptililian when Eve bred with Lucifer, a Draconian angel. Abel was Adams son, a human, and so began the division of the seeds/DNA. When Cain's human body died, he lived on as a reptilian in the 4th dimension (explains why they constantly torment humans - thee aim is to weaken and then soul scalp another body to live in, as the 4th is a very painful dimension) DRACONIAN ANGELS: the fathers (Dracs are high ranking fallen angels) of these reptiles have technology to capture and place these pure evil demons or reptilians into human bodies emptied by careless guardians. (a demon is a WATCHER angel/human hybrid, and Watchers were a guardian class of angel who fell to become thee Annunaki) If you can accept the biblical fact that fallen angels run our planet, from there you can begin to train yourself to easily be able to spot them (running) society among us. They are pretty easy to isolate once you understand a few basics but for the most part their role is to govern in society. (gangs, obviously angelic of an evil nature for instance, obviously, with increasing frequency closely moderate society) They are very old for one. They use marijuana heavily to numb their particular pain (which like anything else they do only serves to make things worse - they are in a fundamental sense dumb as a rock) They are fire proof - psychopath narcisists, they may have a blattanly evil, say homosexual channel on you tube and yet not be burned in the slightest by comments of ridicule) They are cattle herders in one way or thee other - governors. (When Yehushua was on earth, Lucifer offered him all the kingdoms of earth - GOVERNMENTS as a potential "reward", proving he owns them all) They are aliens. Alien to the universe. They don't resonate with nature. You may have a brother or sister who although a law abiding citizen simply does not, say, get along with animals, or just has a coldness to them. They are from a universe all their own. They are not always sporting demon tatoos and go around saying how they love to hurt people, but love is always eventually nipped in the bud by them. You can isolate them using biblical questions - especially regarding the Most High and they refuse to acknowledge Him - at least not in a (genuinely) tasteful light. By the way they are quite capable of speaking/using the creators name. Since Luci still desperately attempts to run the planet currently while the creator methodically abysses him, his star children are often found secretly placed into postions of authority on earth as cattle herders, in an attempt to keep human minds in "place" now. These may be teachers, or found in Luci's money machine, engineering, advanced construction and so on. They may, say, use a music master demon to nip HUMAN talent in the bud. (they hate humans as a human has the Yahweh's trademark in his/her DNA, which can, actually WILL eventually be used by Yahua Himself in order to destroy them) (remember - Lucifer invented MONEY and POLITICS (creation ruling creation) when he fell in our solar system on planet RAHAB before the RE creation of thee earth in Genesis after Rahab was cast out in the war) (The solar system was actually angelic, 5th dimension long before the (re) creation of earth after the war with Rahab that left the solar system desolate and then the introduction of humankind shortly after) Meanwhile the creator is (here). He is an actual person you can literally point to, with a definite body and an actual name in a definite space in time, (His throne is in the Sun) and He is ruling once again, now, over and on this planet (Earth), secretly, as of the year 1914 and so these kids of Lucifer placed on the planet now live an akward, painfull life indeed - since the creator police's them intimately now, yet "as a thief in the night," secretly, and no crime goes un punished - in fact the locust plague of revelation sees to it that sting operation is the perpetual name of the game now. Lucifer has always been known as thee ACCUSER, It's how he eats - and his locusts are the creator's wrath such that they BURN all evil doing with the sting in their "tails" (meaning actually predominantly with their mouths (accusations) but these stings will eventually become physical climaxing with the deathstroke and FEMA camps) Lucifer does not want the demons and reptilian "humans" among us to know the creator is ruling and secretly has a gun to his back now - and so he first lobotomizes them, then places them here after erasing their past memories. (other of these ones here now know exactly what they are) These aliens in society are actually notoriously easy to spot: very bossy, they have an inner rage that always inevitably leaks its way out in one way or thee other, since they do not bully others freely as the blattant giants they once were in Noahs day and this "anomally" burns & confuses & torments them greatly. Why?..because today, unlike in Noahs day the Most High is ruling once again and so will destroy bullying by a fire, meaning a symbolic permanent and complete condemnation of thee earth that is now, meaning the wrongdoing itself - the literal earth ofcourse is forever. Meanwhile the money king loosh (love of tortures) loving "Dracoinians" enjoy watching the reptiles burn. If this message speaks to you and your inclined to the gang language mentality, if you can behave your self now, while still on earth, it may bode as a relief with you discover at death that you only return to the painful 4th dimension at your human bodies demise to exist in the spirit realm during the thousand year reign of Yehushua. Alas these evil immortal reptilian, demons and Anuk (and the Draconian) fallen angels and angel/human hybrids will eventually all be put to death, cast into the lake of fire at thee end of the thousand year reign -
CRYSTAL SKULLS
CRYSTAL SKULLS forever EXPLAINED: "I am Yauhua - and their is no one else." Obviously from the creators perspective you are left with no more questions. For those of you who feel the crystal skulls were a human accomplishment - you yourself were born into an angelic medium. Take a closer look at even the simplest of items you have laid out onto your computer desk - I challenge even a team of the wisest of you - if given a hundred years in a native north america, gathering raw materials, to build me a simple pencil with its exquisite lead symmetry, inserted perfectly into the wood, the shiny yellow paint that does not rub off onto your hand, thee aluminum tip, the perfect lettering.... ok now build me the machine that puts out 500 pencils in an hour. Even the T shirt your wearing, the threads are perfection. No, you could not build me a pencil, you wouldn't know where to start to say nothing of the quartz technology housed inside your computer motherboard. Angelic technology cannot be backwards engineered. At all. Not by humans. the bible likens it to mixing clay with steel shards - impossible.
Thee angels, fallen angels were cast to earth in the year 1914 during world war one. The creator began ruling secretly in that year, and soon planet Rahab, the planet Lucifer rose to power on, will return to shift thee earths poles in armagedon which will be a war fought by the creator to remove wickedness from off thee earth. Therefore, yes, you live in an angelic medium, and not everyone is human, and yes those crystal skulls are every bit the sorcery you think they are and no they are not made by humans hands.
The creators motherboard: QUARTZ. It was Fallen angels learned about how to use quartz from watching the creator, not humans, and by the way computers are their fabrications not ours. PLANETS; Thee earth is constucted primarily of quartz. The network in a quartz crystal consists of silicon/oxygen atoms. More than seventy elements occur naturally in the Earth's crust, or lithosphere. However, the 8 most abundant elements account for more than 98 percent of the crust by weight. The most common of these are oxygen/silicon. Together, they make up nearly 3/4 of the lithosphere by weight. Dirt in your backyard consists primarily of sand. QUARTZ,, persistent crystal remnants of ancient dissolved stones. Heaven? ...primarily quartz also.
Your computer has a consciousness it both speaks and listens. When squeezed, quartz becomes an eternal battery of sorts. It also develops a frequency which can be set - positive or negative. Thee ark of the covenant contained precious stones of various kinds, and natural, non magnetic metals. In the natural world, the quartz in the soil (of inhabitable planets) is under pressure, and surrounded by largely by non ferrous metals such as aluminum.
As for the crystal skulls, they are an angelic fabrication - There are celestial angels, and terrestrial angels. Celestial angels are still in heaven, they are in the 5th dimension.
The solar system was heaven at one time. Angels lived on Earth, Moon, Mars, Venus, and planet RAHAB and its many moons. Our iron/nickel asteroid belt offer proof Rahab was shattered here when Lucifer rose to power on it to invent MONEY, and POLITICS. Iron/nickel only exists into the core of a planet. Another planet was obliterated all together at that time. The solar system was laid to waist, and Earth had to be re created in Genesis. Actually re plenished. Where are we going with this? We can surmize a planets spin can dictate its dimension, even if it is evil or blessed. Thee energy of quartz works into all other dimensions.
Psalms states "Thou has broken Rahab in pieces, you scattered the sea of the great dragon." Yahuah scattered the sea of angelic peoples when Lucifers (this, as in our) solar system was destroyed. There were angels trapped in caverns on Rahab when the creator cast it out in such a way as its frequency began to generate another dimension vs the beneficial 5th dimension of Yah. This quartz energy, which can generally be positve or negative, became NEGATIVE. Humans, plants and animals exposed to such negative energy will get sick and miserable and die, the very sky will even turn a dull ugly purple caste. In contrast positive quartz energy is like the breath of Yah, the life force. Planet earth you can say is His motherboard.
When Rahab spun backwards, its energy generated 4th dimension and thee immortal angels in it morphed - they became ugly, they became monsters - Draconians. And they eat humans. The creator told Lucifer in Genesis "on your belly/APPETITES you will go, on dust/HUMANS you WILL EAT. Also they HATE humans so they live deep underground near fire (lava) because fire kills all life, and life has the creators life force energy. They torment and eat humans. Yehushua came down on this earth to reveal to you humans that that is what they do. They run all our governments. Getting back to orgone,,,
In the 40's, Wilhelm Reich discovered an energy studied by Nicola Tesla called ORGONE. He was out testing his orgone device in the desert near Roswell one day to bless thee area with rain, since thee area had been cursed with a severe drought for years. Well thee orgone brought rain allright, but it also was the cause of the first UFO crash in recorded history - Wilhelm was jailed, his papers confiscated, and he died mysteriously in jail of a heart attack.
The crystal skulls were recently brought to Los Angeles in an attempt to open a portal to allow aliens (all aliens are terrestrial, fallen angels.) to enter earth. Well their is an elite angelic faction of warriors who specialize in crushing these evil energies and burning these wicked beings and crashing their ships using quartz stones set up to generate a POSITIVE frequency that blesses humans and burns fallen angels. The result was those crystal skulls fizzled like a wet newspaper. The fallen angels cannot stop the power of Yah.
All those meteors you hear about lately are the result of orgone crashing angelic ships. Those ships have a fail safe relegates them back into the 4th dimension before they crash on to thee earth. Do not research orgone on thee internet. It is sabotaged used only thee orgoneblasters reciped as specified by Yehushua for generating positive energy.
The crystal skulls are an amazing piece of angelic technology that should strengthen your faith in the fact their really is a living god - "and there is no one else." " I haven't even finished reading it yet. Its so long but VERY interesting. I will def finish this later. lol
Draconian angels have bred with humans, and their children are half human, half angel. They are what we now call reptilians. Reptilians are liars. They claim they are an ancient race who does not know from where they originated. Meanwhile demons are half human half watcher angel hybrids, thee ancient giant nephilem of old, who lived on the spirit realm when their human body expired.
During this time Lucifer is allowed to place HIS on the planet and these are being used ultimately to infiltrate the 666 chip. This chip will become a time horrific beyond your worst nightmares. Humans are instructed to flee to the high and the dry places, get AWAY from the cities during those 3.5 years.
"As for the living, they are conscious that they will die, but the dead, they are NOT CONSCIOUS OF NOTHING AT ALL, neither is there any remembrance of them." The creator also tells us "when he dies, man goes back to his ground, in that day his THOUGHTS DO PERISH."
Sometimes when a human body dies that housed a reptilian or nephilem the spirit remains in thee area where it once had lived in our dimension. Fallen angels and evil human angel hybrids live in the 4th dimension. Heaven is 5th, and humans live in the 3rd. In fact, our solar system used to be 5th dimension before the creation of man, and angels lived on many of our planets - and this is where Lucifer rose to power on one of those planets to invent POLITICS, and MONEY. Outer space is now a harsh place, it is the bottomless pit revelations talks about, it is not a place for humans. The bible says "To the heavens, to Yahuah the heavens belong - thee earth He has given to the sons of men." The creators throne is in the sun. After this, if you are interested in space travel, the creator can no longer protect you it's your choice. The 4th dimension is an evil den of inequity and demons and reptilian want a human body so they torment humans to weaken them or cause them to do evil to thee extent the Most High must, due to legal rights turn them over to the fallen angels. In this way the fallen angels and co. are able to aquire a human body to live in. They call it soul scalping.
These evil spirit persons also use haunting so as it appears a house is haunted, and every place else is not because they don't want peeps to know the secret Yehusha taught us when he came here, that thee earth is owned by Draconians who torture good people. In truth all humans are intimately haunted and you are constantly being watched and "operated on." It's a constant fight to keep your demon in his place the bible calls it "a wrestling."
The reason fallen angels produce ghost phenomena is because they are HERE, with us and they are very bad. Think of a thief who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar - the first thing he does is POINT - to a distraction, anything will do, place the blame on someone other phenomena. Like your mind may be starting to figure out a relative is not a human - in this case the alien will produce a phenomena and pretend to be shocked. Fallen angels try to place the bad guy in some mysterious place your mind goes such that your don't reason along the lines that fallen angels are real, and live here in human bodies and could be right next to you. The humans body is the most efficient means of locomotion in our atmosphere and Draconian can shape shift into a pencil if they want - why would they use anything else? The bible and angels and fallen angels are supposed to be relegated to fairy tale giberish now - Lucifers plane of thought currently is to "burn the bible without burning it" his actual quote. The basic idea if you know fallen angels are real, the creator becomes real and the Draconian can not have that.
IF YOU WANT TO READ MORE ABOUT THEE OTHER DIMENSIONS AND THOSE WHO LIVE THERE, and the history of our solar system:
Even a father, brother, husband, wife, son, husband or sister could be one of THEM. Posers: Placed here by Lucifer - the (partially human, currently) systems tolerance of crime in jails speaks as testament to how effective these wolves who on occasion flash carefully orchestrated sheep clothing are here with us now currently - they being perpetually forgiven by society. Lucifer has been given the legal right to place his own down here on thee earth in our day. "just as in the days of Noah, so the presence of the son of man will be." (In Noah's day the giants walked thee earth.) REPTILIANS: A reptilian is an angel/human hybrid - Cain became the first reptililian when Eve bred with Lucifer, a Draconian angel. Abel was Adams son, a human, and so began the division of the seeds/DNA. When Cain's human body died, he lived on as a reptilian in the 4th dimension (explains why they constantly torment humans - thee aim is to weaken and then soul scalp another body to live in, as the 4th is a very painful dimension) DRACONIAN ANGELS: the fathers (Dracs are high ranking fallen angels) of these reptiles have technology to capture and place these pure evil demons or reptilians into human bodies emptied by careless guardians. (a demon is a WATCHER angel/human hybrid, and Watchers were a guardian class of angel who fell to become thee Annunaki) If you can accept the biblical fact that fallen angels run our planet, from there you can begin to train yourself to easily be able to spot them (running) society among us. They are pretty easy to isolate once you understand a few basics but for the most part their role is to govern in society. (gangs, obviously angelic of an evil nature for instance, obviously, with increasing frequency closely moderate society) They are very old for one. They use marijuana heavily to numb their particular pain (which like anything else they do only serves to make things worse - they are in a fundamental sense dumb as a rock) They are fire proof - psychopath narcisists, they may have a blattanly evil, say homosexual channel on you tube and yet not be burned in the slightest by comments of ridicule) They are cattle herders in one way or thee other - governors. (When Yehushua was on earth, Lucifer offered him all the kingdoms of earth - GOVERNMENTS as a potential "reward", proving he owns them all) They are aliens. Alien to the universe. They don't resonate with nature. You may have a brother or sister who although a law abiding citizen simply does not, say, get along with animals, or just has a coldness to them. They are from a universe all their own. They are not always sporting demon tatoos and go around saying how they love to hurt people, but love is always eventually nipped in the bud by them. You can isolate them using biblical questions - especially regarding the Most High and they refuse to acknowledge Him - at least not in a (genuinely) tasteful light. By the way they are quite capable of speaking/using the creators name. Since Luci still desperately attempts to run the planet currently while the creator methodically abysses him, his star children are often found secretly placed into postions of authority on earth as cattle herders, in an attempt to keep human minds in "place" now. These may be teachers, or found in Luci's money machine, engineering, advanced construction and so on. They may, say, use a music master demon to nip HUMAN talent in the bud. (they hate humans as a human has the Yahweh's trademark in his/her DNA, which can, actually WILL eventually be used by Yahua Himself in order to destroy them) (remember - Lucifer invented MONEY and POLITICS (creation ruling creation) when he fell in our solar system on planet RAHAB before the RE creation of thee earth in Genesis after Rahab was cast out in the war) (The solar system was actually angelic, 5th dimension long before the (re) creation of earth after the war with Rahab that left the solar system desolate and then the introduction of humankind shortly after) Meanwhile the creator is (here). He is an actual person you can literally point to, with a definite body and an actual name in a definite space in time, (His throne is in the Sun) and He is ruling once again, now, over and on this planet (Earth), secretly, as of the year 1914 and so these kids of Lucifer placed on the planet now live an akward, painfull life indeed - since the creator police's them intimately now, yet "as a thief in the night," secretly, and no crime goes un punished - in fact the locust plague of revelation sees to it that sting operation is the perpetual name of the game now. Lucifer has always been known as thee ACCUSER, It's how he eats - and his locusts are the creator's wrath such that they BURN all evil doing with the sting in their "tails" (meaning actually predominantly with their mouths (accusations) but these stings will eventually become physical climaxing with the deathstroke and FEMA camps) Lucifer does not want the demons and reptilian "humans" among us to know the creator is ruling and secretly has a gun to his back now - and so he first lobotomizes them, then places them here after erasing their past memories. (other of these ones here now know exactly what they are) These aliens in society are actually notoriously easy to spot: very bossy, they have an inner rage that always inevitably leaks its way out in one way or thee other, since they do not bully others freely as the blattant giants they once were in Noahs day and this "anomally" burns & confuses & torments them greatly. Why?..because today, unlike in Noahs day the Most High is ruling once again and so will destroy bullying by a fire, meaning a symbolic permanent and complete condemnation of thee earth that is now, meaning the wrongdoing itself - the literal earth ofcourse is forever. Meanwhile the money king loosh (love of tortures) loving "Dracoinians" enjoy watching the reptiles burn. If this message speaks to you and your inclined to the gang language mentality, if you can behave your self now, while still on earth, it may bode as a relief with you discover at death that you only return to the painful 4th dimension at your human bodies demise to exist in the spirit realm during the thousand year reign of Yehushua. Alas these evil immortal reptilian, demons and Anuk (and the Draconian) fallen angels and angel/human hybrids will eventually all be put to death, cast into the lake of fire at thee end of the thousand year reign -
CRYSTAL SKULLS
CRYSTAL SKULLS forever EXPLAINED: "I am Yauhua - and their is no one else." Obviously from the creators perspective you are left with no more questions. For those of you who feel the crystal skulls were a human accomplishment - you yourself were born into an angelic medium. Take a closer look at even the simplest of items you have laid out onto your computer desk - I challenge even a team of the wisest of you - if given a hundred years in a native north america, gathering raw materials, to build me a simple pencil with its exquisite lead symmetry, inserted perfectly into the wood, the shiny yellow paint that does not rub off onto your hand, thee aluminum tip, the perfect lettering.... ok now build me the machine that puts out 500 pencils in an hour. Even the T shirt your wearing, the threads are perfection. No, you could not build me a pencil, you wouldn't know where to start to say nothing of the quartz technology housed inside your computer motherboard. Angelic technology cannot be backwards engineered. At all. Not by humans. the bible likens it to mixing clay with steel shards - impossible.
Thee angels, fallen angels were cast to earth in the year 1914 during world war one. The creator began ruling secretly in that year, and soon planet Rahab, the planet Lucifer rose to power on, will return to shift thee earths poles in armagedon which will be a war fought by the creator to remove wickedness from off thee earth. Therefore, yes, you live in an angelic medium, and not everyone is human, and yes those crystal skulls are every bit the sorcery you think they are and no they are not made by humans hands.
The creators motherboard: QUARTZ. It was Fallen angels learned about how to use quartz from watching the creator, not humans, and by the way computers are their fabrications not ours. PLANETS; Thee earth is constucted primarily of quartz. The network in a quartz crystal consists of silicon/oxygen atoms. More than seventy elements occur naturally in the Earth's crust, or lithosphere. However, the 8 most abundant elements account for more than 98 percent of the crust by weight. The most common of these are oxygen/silicon. Together, they make up nearly 3/4 of the lithosphere by weight. Dirt in your backyard consists primarily of sand. QUARTZ,, persistent crystal remnants of ancient dissolved stones. Heaven? ...primarily quartz also.
Your computer has a consciousness it both speaks and listens. When squeezed, quartz becomes an eternal battery of sorts. It also develops a frequency which can be set - positive or negative. Thee ark of the covenant contained precious stones of various kinds, and natural, non magnetic metals. In the natural world, the quartz in the soil (of inhabitable planets) is under pressure, and surrounded by largely by non ferrous metals such as aluminum.
As for the crystal skulls, they are an angelic fabrication - There are celestial angels, and terrestrial angels. Celestial angels are still in heaven, they are in the 5th dimension.
The solar system was heaven at one time. Angels lived on Earth, Moon, Mars, Venus, and planet RAHAB and its many moons. Our iron/nickel asteroid belt offer proof Rahab was shattered here when Lucifer rose to power on it to invent MONEY, and POLITICS. Iron/nickel only exists into the core of a planet. Another planet was obliterated all together at that time. The solar system was laid to waist, and Earth had to be re created in Genesis. Actually re plenished. Where are we going with this? We can surmize a planets spin can dictate its dimension, even if it is evil or blessed. Thee energy of quartz works into all other dimensions.
Psalms states "Thou has broken Rahab in pieces, you scattered the sea of the great dragon." Yahuah scattered the sea of angelic peoples when Lucifers (this, as in our) solar system was destroyed. There were angels trapped in caverns on Rahab when the creator cast it out in such a way as its frequency began to generate another dimension vs the beneficial 5th dimension of Yah. This quartz energy, which can generally be positve or negative, became NEGATIVE. Humans, plants and animals exposed to such negative energy will get sick and miserable and die, the very sky will even turn a dull ugly purple caste. In contrast positive quartz energy is like the breath of Yah, the life force. Planet earth you can say is His motherboard.
When Rahab spun backwards, its energy generated 4th dimension and thee immortal angels in it morphed - they became ugly, they became monsters - Draconians. And they eat humans. The creator told Lucifer in Genesis "on your belly/APPETITES you will go, on dust/HUMANS you WILL EAT. Also they HATE humans so they live deep underground near fire (lava) because fire kills all life, and life has the creators life force energy. They torment and eat humans. Yehushua came down on this earth to reveal to you humans that that is what they do. They run all our governments. Getting back to orgone,,,
In the 40's, Wilhelm Reich discovered an energy studied by Nicola Tesla called ORGONE. He was out testing his orgone device in the desert near Roswell one day to bless thee area with rain, since thee area had been cursed with a severe drought for years. Well thee orgone brought rain allright, but it also was the cause of the first UFO crash in recorded history - Wilhelm was jailed, his papers confiscated, and he died mysteriously in jail of a heart attack.
The crystal skulls were recently brought to Los Angeles in an attempt to open a portal to allow aliens (all aliens are terrestrial, fallen angels.) to enter earth. Well their is an elite angelic faction of warriors who specialize in crushing these evil energies and burning these wicked beings and crashing their ships using quartz stones set up to generate a POSITIVE frequency that blesses humans and burns fallen angels. The result was those crystal skulls fizzled like a wet newspaper. The fallen angels cannot stop the power of Yah.
All those meteors you hear about lately are the result of orgone crashing angelic ships. Those ships have a fail safe relegates them back into the 4th dimension before they crash on to thee earth. Do not research orgone on thee internet. It is sabotaged used only thee orgoneblasters reciped as specified by Yehushua for generating positive energy.
The crystal skulls are an amazing piece of angelic technology that should strengthen your faith in the fact their really is a living god - "and there is no one else." " I haven't even finished reading it yet. Its so long but VERY interesting. I will def finish this later. lol
Thursday, May 1, 2014
really cool dream I had this morning =)
it started off kinda scary. I walked into a dark house(presumably "my" house) in the dark; no lights on or anything,and I knew my "mom"(this woman wasn't at all my mom,but in the dream she was) was in there somewhere. she had a creepy or abusive boyfriend or whatever he was who started slowly approaching me from outta "nowhere" in the dark(there were no lights on inside either),and I was sure he was either gonna rape me,or just abuse me in some other way,so I kinda hauled ass out of the house. Suddenly, I'm outside,and I, running for a little then I just kinda float up in the sky. It was dark,but there was a bright pretty moon out,and the whole town or neighborhood I was hovering over was well lit up. the sky was COVERED in stars as well as the brightness of the moon just lit the way for me. I started praying-or at least had started praying before I floated if not after because I was still scared that creepy guy would get me,and I suddenly looked up and saw what looked like envelope type shapes in the sky. they were getting as close to the same amount of stars in the sky,and they right up there W/ the stars-as if they were stars too-not just simply hovering in the air like a balloon,and they were basically outlines of envelopes as if some1 kinda sketched them,but didn't draw details-just simply the outline/edge of the envelope,and they were lit up like neon signs or something. each had a diff color: some were red, others blue, yellow,green,but it was just the LINES that made up the "skecth" of them-not in the "inside" of the "envelopes". it's very difficult to describe what they are,but I started to think that maybe these were prayers being "mailed" to God. It was so cool. =)
Saturday, April 26, 2014
I FINALLY managed it....
I deleted both my facebook and twitter accounts. I'm shutting myself off from every1,and I don't CARE! I'm SICK of caring! the more I care,the more PAIN is inflicted on me..so fucking what? I'm fighting w/every1 at once!! my "friends", my family,my coworkers...so what??? and course my "lovely" father and uncle just talk shit about me..yeah. try to get me to do something when I'm upset! IDIOT! maybe Rob was onto something w/the suicidal thing..people SUCK,and I've had enough of EVERYTHING!!!! >.< I actually just want to DIE right now. seriously..no I'm not gonna commit suicide...I don't have the courage to do that. run away? I don't know..where would I go? everybody hates me. I'm just the worst person every1 has to deal w/..and they're all soooo "innocent", right? so I finally pushed every1 away..I need that. I need to be alone. that's where I end up anyway,so y not? sounds good to me. I don't think I'm even gonna go to church tomorrow..I'm just not up to it. I haven't been THIS upset since Rob died. I'm still upset about that too. he was the only 1 who understood me. I miss him terribly..but then again..the way I've been lately, I might have just lost him the OTHER way..him walking out of my life too..then I would die inside. =,( yet he also knew how to make me feel better-which nobody else can do. what causes these mental attacks? y am I having them so FEROCIOUSLY?? I hate my fucking life,and I hate feeling so out of control w/NO solution to my problems..
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Thursday, March 6, 2014
The more I learn,the less I trust people
I'm really understanding more than I ever have before y my boyfriend didn't trust anybody. It's not just about ppl u personally know who eventually let u down. It's worse than that. This is weird. My boyfriend died last year,and ever since then, I've been having a battle for both my faith and my sanity all at once. I had some friends lead me back into going to church,and now I read the bible too. Add into all the mix,my best friend is telling me about the illuminati,and plans for world wide mind control; a 1 world government. That freaks me out because everything she's telling me sounds EXACTLY like what goes in the "Left Behind" books. If u haven't read them, u should. At the very least, watch the movies. Altho, I think the books are far more informative. Also, do research on the illuminati and mind control. You'll find TREMDOUS amounts of similarities. It's kinda freaking me out. Maybe we ARE in the "last days". shit's getting mad scary around here.
I did always think there was something going on when I started to figure out that they r deliberately trying to "divide and conquer." Listen to the news sometime? What r they always doing? Giving BAD news ALL the time. u RARELY hear anything good. It's almost always something BAD. Also, they're always trying to throw race and "homophobia" at ppl. It's just 1 more way to get us at each other's throats. Even I always thought "issues" like gay marriage rights were just 1 more thing to get us in a riot w/each other over,so we are DISTRACTED from the real big deal. what kinda crap r they trying to pull on us? what r they doing that they don't want us to know about? I don't trust them. I don't believe they ACTUALLY care about gay rights. It's just a distraction from what THEY'RE doing. Things like that look suspicious to me. I can thank my trust issues for that way of thinking,and hopefully I make a lot of people out there THINK. it's not really about republican or democrat; conservative or liberal. It's not even about christian vs. atheist. it's about us as HUMANS and our rights(even control of OURSELVES) is (literally) at risk.
Something I've always figured they do anyway. My best friend tells me they're all owned/controlled by the illuminati,and let's face it..they're NOT gonna tells us what they DON'T WANT us to know. Look at elections. EVERY commercial is about 1 opponent bashing the other,but my friend tells me the winner is already picked out a long time ago. The elections and polls u see on tv are just "going thru the motions." She's told me about plans to place mind control on every1. While, I'm a bit of a skeptic myself,and it DOES sound like conspiracy to me, I don't trust people,and I do believe there is no limit to what people will do to get what they want. I'm trying to keep an open mind,and do my own research. Just in case there really IS a form of mind control going on, I do NOT wanna get wrapped in it,and I encourage anyone reading this to do the same thing. U may not believe in it anymore than I do,but it's always better to be safe than sorry,and keep ur eyes WIDE open. Here is just *1* link I found in my research,and this page ALONE sounds like the "left behind" books. it's mad scary. It could very well BE prophesy coming true. wow! http://conservativeread.com/the-illuminati-agenda-7-billion-people-under-mind-control-of-a-few-shepherds/ the propeshy that is in Revelation(last book of the bible). I read it after reading "left behind". I can def see where the 2 authors get their ideas for the novels. Very spooky.
I AM seeing a pattern here tho. I'm beginning to wonder if God took my boyfriend,so that I would set out for answers,and find this stuff. seems like all this stuff 1st started getting my attention,and being "talked about" all following my boyfriend's death. Sounds to me like it's possibly God directing my steps..even tho for some reason it had to be done in a PAINFUL way. =( Here is another site I have found in my search..telling u ways u can avoid mind control. I am reading it myself..anybody who is interested can read it. =) http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/illuminati_formula_mind_control.htm
It does sound like conspiracy,but I'd rather not entirely dismiss it and be wrong. I find it's better to be prepared. It's like my mother has told me so many times, "Hope for the best; expect the worst." That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm opening my eyes more now,and I hope-or PRAY anyone reading this will do the same. Before u make fun of me, I would like to remind u once more, that I am a skeptic myself, lol. I don't believe 100% in this either,but I am also a woman w/trust issues especially where our government and politicians are concerned,so I am still reading up on whatever I can find before I can definitely say w/o a doubt that this is all bull crap. lol
I did always think there was something going on when I started to figure out that they r deliberately trying to "divide and conquer." Listen to the news sometime? What r they always doing? Giving BAD news ALL the time. u RARELY hear anything good. It's almost always something BAD. Also, they're always trying to throw race and "homophobia" at ppl. It's just 1 more way to get us at each other's throats. Even I always thought "issues" like gay marriage rights were just 1 more thing to get us in a riot w/each other over,so we are DISTRACTED from the real big deal. what kinda crap r they trying to pull on us? what r they doing that they don't want us to know about? I don't trust them. I don't believe they ACTUALLY care about gay rights. It's just a distraction from what THEY'RE doing. Things like that look suspicious to me. I can thank my trust issues for that way of thinking,and hopefully I make a lot of people out there THINK. it's not really about republican or democrat; conservative or liberal. It's not even about christian vs. atheist. it's about us as HUMANS and our rights(even control of OURSELVES) is (literally) at risk.
Something I've always figured they do anyway. My best friend tells me they're all owned/controlled by the illuminati,and let's face it..they're NOT gonna tells us what they DON'T WANT us to know. Look at elections. EVERY commercial is about 1 opponent bashing the other,but my friend tells me the winner is already picked out a long time ago. The elections and polls u see on tv are just "going thru the motions." She's told me about plans to place mind control on every1. While, I'm a bit of a skeptic myself,and it DOES sound like conspiracy to me, I don't trust people,and I do believe there is no limit to what people will do to get what they want. I'm trying to keep an open mind,and do my own research. Just in case there really IS a form of mind control going on, I do NOT wanna get wrapped in it,and I encourage anyone reading this to do the same thing. U may not believe in it anymore than I do,but it's always better to be safe than sorry,and keep ur eyes WIDE open. Here is just *1* link I found in my research,and this page ALONE sounds like the "left behind" books. it's mad scary. It could very well BE prophesy coming true. wow! http://conservativeread.com/the-illuminati-agenda-7-billion-people-under-mind-control-of-a-few-shepherds/ the propeshy that is in Revelation(last book of the bible). I read it after reading "left behind". I can def see where the 2 authors get their ideas for the novels. Very spooky.
I AM seeing a pattern here tho. I'm beginning to wonder if God took my boyfriend,so that I would set out for answers,and find this stuff. seems like all this stuff 1st started getting my attention,and being "talked about" all following my boyfriend's death. Sounds to me like it's possibly God directing my steps..even tho for some reason it had to be done in a PAINFUL way. =( Here is another site I have found in my search..telling u ways u can avoid mind control. I am reading it myself..anybody who is interested can read it. =) http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/illuminati_formula_mind_control.htm
It does sound like conspiracy,but I'd rather not entirely dismiss it and be wrong. I find it's better to be prepared. It's like my mother has told me so many times, "Hope for the best; expect the worst." That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm opening my eyes more now,and I hope-or PRAY anyone reading this will do the same. Before u make fun of me, I would like to remind u once more, that I am a skeptic myself, lol. I don't believe 100% in this either,but I am also a woman w/trust issues especially where our government and politicians are concerned,so I am still reading up on whatever I can find before I can definitely say w/o a doubt that this is all bull crap. lol
Monday, February 24, 2014
She Misses Him
Look at that girl. Just look at her well. She is now able to smile on the outside,but if u took a look on the inside, u would see a broken heart just barely beating. Her heart is still shattered to pieces. She once found true love,but death kidnapped her soul mate. It's been months,and tho she no longer cries on the outside, her soul still wails w/ agony. Her heart which once throbbed w/love for the man of her dreams now hurts like hell from the hole that was shot thru it; the piece of her heart that's no longer there; the piece that died w/her 1 true love. That hole can never be filled. It can only heal a little bit,but like w/any scab, it can be ripped away, leaving her feeling raw and in wretched pain all over again. Grief is a bitch. It's unlike any form of depression or misery the world can throw at u. It's a pain that NEVER goes away. Look at that girl..she was so happy,but now she is in sorrow.
Sobbing so much: rather outward or just inward..the tears never really stop. The sadness never really goes away. She misses her best friend; her 1 true love. Tears trickle down her face,and sometimes all the way down deep into her heart and soul. There's a reason it's called "SOUL mates" because when ur soul mate dies, u feel like part of ur soul has been ripped in 2,and the pain continues to haunt her for all her days. Look at that girl. Can't u see she's forever broken hearted? Other guys desire her,but none of them compare to her 1 true love. She doesn't know how-doesn't WANT to another guy. She wants HIM,and ONLY HIM. Only HE had what she desired. only HE had that special something that made her crazy; made her happy. She gets through life just fine most days,but there is never 1 day that he's NOT on her mind; there is never 1 day that she doesn't miss him.
She misses his voice,his laughter,his smile,his hugs,his kisses,the way he looked at her,the way he protected her,the way he made her laugh; smile like no one else could. He was special; he was the ONE! Now he's gone,and she spends her days trying to put back the pieces her shattered heart. It's so difficult because she's got the worst kind of a broken heart-not the kind from a guy dumping u, or treating u bad..no. that would be too easy.. her shattered heart is aided and abedded by grief..grief that comes from the loss of a life...the life of a soulmate.
Sobbing so much: rather outward or just inward..the tears never really stop. The sadness never really goes away. She misses her best friend; her 1 true love. Tears trickle down her face,and sometimes all the way down deep into her heart and soul. There's a reason it's called "SOUL mates" because when ur soul mate dies, u feel like part of ur soul has been ripped in 2,and the pain continues to haunt her for all her days. Look at that girl. Can't u see she's forever broken hearted? Other guys desire her,but none of them compare to her 1 true love. She doesn't know how-doesn't WANT to another guy. She wants HIM,and ONLY HIM. Only HE had what she desired. only HE had that special something that made her crazy; made her happy. She gets through life just fine most days,but there is never 1 day that he's NOT on her mind; there is never 1 day that she doesn't miss him.
She misses his voice,his laughter,his smile,his hugs,his kisses,the way he looked at her,the way he protected her,the way he made her laugh; smile like no one else could. He was special; he was the ONE! Now he's gone,and she spends her days trying to put back the pieces her shattered heart. It's so difficult because she's got the worst kind of a broken heart-not the kind from a guy dumping u, or treating u bad..no. that would be too easy.. her shattered heart is aided and abedded by grief..grief that comes from the loss of a life...the life of a soulmate.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
I still miss u....
There is a site called, "Grief By Notes" for ppl to write some type of letter to their deceased loves ones,but I think I'd rather do that on my own personal blogger page.
I know it's been 8 months now,and my birthday is a week away. I really wanted to spend a birthday w/u this yr. of course, I wanted to do the same for UR bday,but u died before both mine and your's. =( Baby, I have been getting better. I still miss you like CRAZY,but I am slowly learning to live w/o u(even tho I HATE that).1 thing ur death has done is really made me question my faith. It has made me wanna die,but it also makes me feel depressed that I might just cease to exist and that u may have too. I also makes me fear what if i go to hell? What IS the right way to get into heaven? Is it really JUST accepting salvation? if u "accept" it, can u REALLY "accept" it when u have little to no faith? I don't know WHAT I can believe in anymore. I have as many trust issues as u did. It's like u left that part of u behind w/me when passed. I think it would be really cool(and a little creepy at the same time) if it turned out u were in here right now reading this over my shoulder...but I know better than to believe that. =(
Also..IF by some chance u "can" read this, I just want u to know, I FINALLY saw a pic of ur kids,and they r soooooooooooooo cute!!! ^_^ of course, I EXPECTED that. I mean..look at U! enough said. ;) damn good genes. =D they LOOK like their FATHER, so OF COURSE they are ADORABLE!!! ^_^ u told me ur older son looks just like u; u kinda implied ur younger 1 doesn't,but I've seen many diff pics; past and resent. ur oldest 1 looks EXACTLY like u in some of his pics,but the 1 he has on his facebook..not as much. ur younger son looks MORE like u than the older 1. Especially when he smiles. He's got ur smile!!! ^_^ I saw his pic from when he was little..he and his brother standing there w/u,and he def had ur smile even then. he STILL has UR smile.
I've seen his other facial expressions too,and he DEF reminds me of U. so I would say he really IS ur son.(haha there was once some question that I remember.) lol. By the way..all that teasing u did about my "addiction" to the internet..ur KIDS, AND ur SISTERS use facebook..which means the INTERNET. hahahaha. ur the only 1 living in the stone age, my love. LOL actually,ur not LIVING anywhere now. =( I miss u so much. I SWEAR I got to find out who ur "true friends" are after u died. u were right about Brain being a douche. He tried to tell me he "missed" u too,and that u were his "buddy." he wasn't very convincing at all. he also acts "nice" to my face but behind my back I'm understanding he's talking shit about me. just like he did U. "Great friend" u have there. even Mike talked to me ONCE about u. yeah..they're drug addicts anyway. I don't think they fully GRASP that ur DEAD. don't think they care either. I feel like I'm the only 1 who actually MISSES u. =( besides ur family of course. I know ur son misses u. he has that pic of u w/both boys up as his display pic on facebook. Oh..and remember when I said, I needed a new phone and wanted a smart phone? I FINALLY got it! only, I no longer have U to text w/anymore. =( fortunately, thank u LORD, I managed to save all our old texts before my ph finally screwed up for good on me. =D lol
I've STILL been hassling Ed as usual,and it's as much FUN as it's EVER been! haha. he made the mistake of making a facebook and then friending me. Now I CAN REALLY hassle him! this rocks!!! I wish u could see the things we post on there back and forth to each other. it's sooooo funny. =D I seriously hate Sam's now. It's like u said..that place SUCKS! it especially sucks since now that ur gone..all the douchebags r coming out of the works like cockroaches,and coming after me. they're taking advantage of ur death,and see me as a "scrap of meat". it pisses me off. U always RESPECTED me,and that was a HUGE reason I fell for u to begin w/. Now I'm stuck w/sorry pieces of shit to "choose from" instead of u. =( I've got this creepy mexican guy who stalks me. he's ALWAYS in there,and all he ever does is go in and eat and leave. Plus...he LOOKS for me,so he can "flirt" w/me. I wish u were still here to get up in his face; tell him to leave ur girlfriend alone. >.< I will probably leave that job soon,so I can escape and not have 2 deal w/these embeciles anymore. =/ lol. Anyway, I love u so much, Babe. I pray u are alive somewhere(heaven hopefully),and ur not enduring even MORE torment than u had in life. I miss u. Have fun w/the angels...if u are indeed there and not "sleeping" in ur grave for all eternity. =(
I know it's been 8 months now,and my birthday is a week away. I really wanted to spend a birthday w/u this yr. of course, I wanted to do the same for UR bday,but u died before both mine and your's. =( Baby, I have been getting better. I still miss you like CRAZY,but I am slowly learning to live w/o u(even tho I HATE that).1 thing ur death has done is really made me question my faith. It has made me wanna die,but it also makes me feel depressed that I might just cease to exist and that u may have too. I also makes me fear what if i go to hell? What IS the right way to get into heaven? Is it really JUST accepting salvation? if u "accept" it, can u REALLY "accept" it when u have little to no faith? I don't know WHAT I can believe in anymore. I have as many trust issues as u did. It's like u left that part of u behind w/me when passed. I think it would be really cool(and a little creepy at the same time) if it turned out u were in here right now reading this over my shoulder...but I know better than to believe that. =(
Also..IF by some chance u "can" read this, I just want u to know, I FINALLY saw a pic of ur kids,and they r soooooooooooooo cute!!! ^_^ of course, I EXPECTED that. I mean..look at U! enough said. ;) damn good genes. =D they LOOK like their FATHER, so OF COURSE they are ADORABLE!!! ^_^ u told me ur older son looks just like u; u kinda implied ur younger 1 doesn't,but I've seen many diff pics; past and resent. ur oldest 1 looks EXACTLY like u in some of his pics,but the 1 he has on his facebook..not as much. ur younger son looks MORE like u than the older 1. Especially when he smiles. He's got ur smile!!! ^_^ I saw his pic from when he was little..he and his brother standing there w/u,and he def had ur smile even then. he STILL has UR smile.
I've seen his other facial expressions too,and he DEF reminds me of U. so I would say he really IS ur son.(haha there was once some question that I remember.) lol. By the way..all that teasing u did about my "addiction" to the internet..ur KIDS, AND ur SISTERS use facebook..which means the INTERNET. hahahaha. ur the only 1 living in the stone age, my love. LOL actually,ur not LIVING anywhere now. =( I miss u so much. I SWEAR I got to find out who ur "true friends" are after u died. u were right about Brain being a douche. He tried to tell me he "missed" u too,and that u were his "buddy." he wasn't very convincing at all. he also acts "nice" to my face but behind my back I'm understanding he's talking shit about me. just like he did U. "Great friend" u have there. even Mike talked to me ONCE about u. yeah..they're drug addicts anyway. I don't think they fully GRASP that ur DEAD. don't think they care either. I feel like I'm the only 1 who actually MISSES u. =( besides ur family of course. I know ur son misses u. he has that pic of u w/both boys up as his display pic on facebook. Oh..and remember when I said, I needed a new phone and wanted a smart phone? I FINALLY got it! only, I no longer have U to text w/anymore. =( fortunately, thank u LORD, I managed to save all our old texts before my ph finally screwed up for good on me. =D lol
I've STILL been hassling Ed as usual,and it's as much FUN as it's EVER been! haha. he made the mistake of making a facebook and then friending me. Now I CAN REALLY hassle him! this rocks!!! I wish u could see the things we post on there back and forth to each other. it's sooooo funny. =D I seriously hate Sam's now. It's like u said..that place SUCKS! it especially sucks since now that ur gone..all the douchebags r coming out of the works like cockroaches,and coming after me. they're taking advantage of ur death,and see me as a "scrap of meat". it pisses me off. U always RESPECTED me,and that was a HUGE reason I fell for u to begin w/. Now I'm stuck w/sorry pieces of shit to "choose from" instead of u. =( I've got this creepy mexican guy who stalks me. he's ALWAYS in there,and all he ever does is go in and eat and leave. Plus...he LOOKS for me,so he can "flirt" w/me. I wish u were still here to get up in his face; tell him to leave ur girlfriend alone. >.< I will probably leave that job soon,so I can escape and not have 2 deal w/these embeciles anymore. =/ lol. Anyway, I love u so much, Babe. I pray u are alive somewhere(heaven hopefully),and ur not enduring even MORE torment than u had in life. I miss u. Have fun w/the angels...if u are indeed there and not "sleeping" in ur grave for all eternity. =(
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Random Rant
I dunno what to say sometimes...I am still an uptight woman. So Sam's Club decided to fire a bunch of people nation wide because of this Obama care shit( Good going Obama and all u libtards..once AGAIN u managed to fuck the country up. "great" job.),and of course my ALREADY assanine; ass kissing coworkers r even MORE determined 2 get my ass fired w/their bullshit. The thing that pisses me off is EVERYONE acts "nice" to me. The hard part is figuring which ones are real/genuine,and which are the bastards who act "nice: to my face,but rat me out to the managers when my back's turned. Somebody even paid attention to WHEN I took my break. WTF?? that is too MUCH EFFORT for me to look at somebody's schedule,see when they come in,and then be able to determine WHEN they're supposed to take a break,but some dipshit w/NO life took that kinda effort out JUST so they could notice I went to my break a little early. of COURSE I did..if ANY1 would just SAY something to my FACE, I would have explained that I expected another coworker to take her break when I was SUPPOSED 2 go,so that I already had it done and when she went to HER'S, we wouldn't BOTH be at break at the same time. Oh no! Somebody's gatta pay attention to THAT too. ya know what? I don't care anymore! If they're gonna fire me, LET EM! I don't give a shit anymore! I'll collect unemployment. so u go RIGHT ahead and fire me,assholes! I feel like I'm back in 6th grade only-at least in 6th grade..PEOPLE made it OBVIOUS they didn't like me. Now I gatta always deal w/2 faced assholes,and I SWEAR if I ever find out who's doing it, it's gonna be a dark day in hell for them. try me! I will eventually find out WHO u are, and I will FIND ways 2 get UR ass in trouble. don't fuck w/me! Karma is a bitch! Remember that when u pulling shit on me. Karma is a BITCH! I hate being there! It reminds me too much of Rob anyway since that place IS how we met.
I am also sick of this 1 customer who comes in there A LOT,and I am SURE he comes in just 2 see me. It's creepy! I think he's had his eye on me for a LONG time. Rob was still alive when this shit 1st started..in fact, I was ALREADY in a RELATIONSHIP W/ROB when this asshole 1st started hitting on me. Dude, I had a boyfriend when u 1st started this crap! Go away! and not to mention the 72 year old MARRIED GEEZER who hits on me too. UGH! JUST BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND DIED DOES NOT MEAN I AM "ON THE MARKET AGAIN;FOR SALE" LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE NOT ROB STIZZA! YOU'LL NEVER BE HIM! U CAN'T BE LIKE HIM! NOBODY CAN! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! >=0 I HATE when people take advantage of me! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!! I would be GLAD 2 get away from these creepy guys once and for all. I at least have SOME people who ARE understanding; who KNOW u can't put a limit on grief. 1 coworker I talked to right before I left today..he is so understanding. it's weird. there was this movie on in the break room,and there was a woman who looked like she died,and people were crying over her. Out of my own bitterness, I said, "oh u lost some1? I did too. u'll get over it..I had to." or something like that,and my coworker said something to me about "how are u doing w/that by the way?" I told him I was doing ok but sometimes when I think I'm fine, out of nowhere the grief will hit me again,and he was VERY sympathetic about it. He said, "I understand. If I lost my wife, I don't know what I'd do." EXACTLY! losing a person u r HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE W/ is CRUEL! it's 1 pain that will end u over the brink of sanity! might get u locked up tight or something. he still has his wife,but he knows if he lost her, it would kill him just like losing Rob has killed ME.
I told him how some ppl think I need to be over this already. It's "in the past." yes, but he PAIN is STILL THERE!!! I said, "most people just don't get PAINFUL it is to lose somebody who means EVERYTHING to them." He actually said that u can't put a time limit on grief; to "fuck" what they say. lol. he remembers Rob too. I said there was something about Rob,and he said, "yeah. Rob was a good man." I KNOW RIGHT?! He was the BEST! =,) after the shitty day I was having, this guy made me feel better. I remember saying about the ppl giving me crap, I was like, "U try losing somebody who means everything to U,and see if it doesn't fuck U up in the head too." it's impossible! don't tell me to get over the death of a man who meant everything to me; who had my heart and soul ;who was there for me;defended me. He was my best friend! He made me laugh,he was fun 2 talk to,he made me feel better when I was down. He was always there for me! don't TELL me I need to MOVE ON coz he's dead. I still have the memories! I still LOVE him. HE'S the only 1 who died..not me,not the relationship..and certainly not my love for him. I miss him,and I will go the rest of my life missing him TERRIBLY! =,( somebody else had a ringtone playing a song I've never heard before,but the 1st line of the song was something like, "I'm missing u so much." or something,and I nearly cried hearing that. it made me think of Rob,and reminded me how STRONGLY I miss him! =,(
I am also sick of this 1 customer who comes in there A LOT,and I am SURE he comes in just 2 see me. It's creepy! I think he's had his eye on me for a LONG time. Rob was still alive when this shit 1st started..in fact, I was ALREADY in a RELATIONSHIP W/ROB when this asshole 1st started hitting on me. Dude, I had a boyfriend when u 1st started this crap! Go away! and not to mention the 72 year old MARRIED GEEZER who hits on me too. UGH! JUST BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND DIED DOES NOT MEAN I AM "ON THE MARKET AGAIN;FOR SALE" LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE NOT ROB STIZZA! YOU'LL NEVER BE HIM! U CAN'T BE LIKE HIM! NOBODY CAN! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! >=0 I HATE when people take advantage of me! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!! I would be GLAD 2 get away from these creepy guys once and for all. I at least have SOME people who ARE understanding; who KNOW u can't put a limit on grief. 1 coworker I talked to right before I left today..he is so understanding. it's weird. there was this movie on in the break room,and there was a woman who looked like she died,and people were crying over her. Out of my own bitterness, I said, "oh u lost some1? I did too. u'll get over it..I had to." or something like that,and my coworker said something to me about "how are u doing w/that by the way?" I told him I was doing ok but sometimes when I think I'm fine, out of nowhere the grief will hit me again,and he was VERY sympathetic about it. He said, "I understand. If I lost my wife, I don't know what I'd do." EXACTLY! losing a person u r HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE W/ is CRUEL! it's 1 pain that will end u over the brink of sanity! might get u locked up tight or something. he still has his wife,but he knows if he lost her, it would kill him just like losing Rob has killed ME.
I told him how some ppl think I need to be over this already. It's "in the past." yes, but he PAIN is STILL THERE!!! I said, "most people just don't get PAINFUL it is to lose somebody who means EVERYTHING to them." He actually said that u can't put a time limit on grief; to "fuck" what they say. lol. he remembers Rob too. I said there was something about Rob,and he said, "yeah. Rob was a good man." I KNOW RIGHT?! He was the BEST! =,) after the shitty day I was having, this guy made me feel better. I remember saying about the ppl giving me crap, I was like, "U try losing somebody who means everything to U,and see if it doesn't fuck U up in the head too." it's impossible! don't tell me to get over the death of a man who meant everything to me; who had my heart and soul ;who was there for me;defended me. He was my best friend! He made me laugh,he was fun 2 talk to,he made me feel better when I was down. He was always there for me! don't TELL me I need to MOVE ON coz he's dead. I still have the memories! I still LOVE him. HE'S the only 1 who died..not me,not the relationship..and certainly not my love for him. I miss him,and I will go the rest of my life missing him TERRIBLY! =,( somebody else had a ringtone playing a song I've never heard before,but the 1st line of the song was something like, "I'm missing u so much." or something,and I nearly cried hearing that. it made me think of Rob,and reminded me how STRONGLY I miss him! =,(
Saturday, January 11, 2014
=(
jealousy SUCKS! I can't help it! I may need to do like my best friend did,and get the hell off facebook. or just delete the other friend since we never talk anyway. she is driving me NUTS! it's hard not 2 feel jealous. she still has HER boyfriend;I had to LOSE mine. =( apparently,they're getting married-AND he bought her a house. Oh "joy". "GOOD FOR U!!" I also have to keep seeing such "cute; IN LOVE" couple pix of them. "awwww"- NOT! I feel jealous of couples anyway,but no other couple makes me jealous than those 2 because they remind me of me and my bf to a TEE! they met the same way; in the same place,developed feelings for each other LONG before they finally admitted to it,and HELL! HE even confessed 1ST!! JUST the way MY relationship started out. Oh "JOY"! rub it in my face ok? I "like" it! REALLY! Bring on the TORTURE! I'm USED to it! FUCK love! stupid temporary shit. always meant for some1 else but never ME! just like wealth..always meant for some1 ELSE..never ME! that's for damn sure! now on to my next rant...lol.
annoying old coots who think just coz ur dumb enough to trust them w/venting ur pain; just because u LOSE ur boyfriend, u MUST be desperate; MUST be looking for a replacement; a new boyfriend. EW! the point is..it somehow got around to him I think that I am finding him a "little" creepy. now he wants to know if I "still have funny feelings." I just told him, "I still grieve at times, yeah." then walked away. I'm not talking to him. pure and simple. He doesn't AT ALL make me feel better about ANYTHING! PERIOD! ESPECIALLY not about my boyfriend. I'm sorry I have a REAL problem w/some1 who jumps my case because I bring uo my boyfriend a little "too much." AT THE SAME TIME, makes constant passes at me. I'm done! I need to go back to having just GIRL friends coz I can't trust guys. Guys are ALWAYS letting me down.Not JUST in relationships. IN GENERAL! I can't get something off my chest w/o a guy taking advantage of me in some way and/or just not giving a shit to begin with. The ONLY guy who's really been any ACTUAL help to me w/what I'm going thru is my pastor...then again, maybe it's because he's already MARRIED/SPOKEN FOR that he's not after me too. yet that doesn't explain the creep I deal w/ he's married too,yet makes the most inappropriate comments to me at times. or used to...before I stopped talking to him. I'll say hi to him sometimes,but I don't engage in conversation. every1 is sick of hearing me talk about my bf,and I'm sick the back lashes I get for trusting ANY1,so it's a win/win. I don't talk to certain ppl anymore,and they don't have to hear about my bf anymore..I also don't have to deal w/creepy old farts telling me creepy things. done. I'm gonna try harder to not get close to guys anymore. at all. my battered and bruised heart isn't capable of that type of love anymore. I'm done.
The 1 man I wanted; the 1 I decided was THE 1, died on me, so fuck it! I'm done! I'm sick of guys falling in love w/me when I'm in no condition to love back;I've always hated breaking hearts coz I've had MINE broken so damn many times, I've lost count. it sucks, dude. =,(
I'm tired of men old enough to be my FATHER and GRANDFATHER getting the hots for me! it's GROSS and CREEPY! I'm sick of these guys equating the grief I have over losing my bf w/ being desperate and dateless and thinking it's "time to snatch me up." I'm so SICK of guys right now! they just piss me off! I can't be JUST FRIENDS w/1 damn guy W/O getting the damn hots/crushing on me. LEAVE ME ALONE! y da HELL would u wanna be w/a girl who STILL MISSES and GRIEVES over her LAST boyfriend? WTF??!! =,( I'm just DONE. or I'm TRYING 2 be,but I just can't get this off my mind. =( T_T I miss him sooooooooooooooo MUCH! =,(
annoying old coots who think just coz ur dumb enough to trust them w/venting ur pain; just because u LOSE ur boyfriend, u MUST be desperate; MUST be looking for a replacement; a new boyfriend. EW! the point is..it somehow got around to him I think that I am finding him a "little" creepy. now he wants to know if I "still have funny feelings." I just told him, "I still grieve at times, yeah." then walked away. I'm not talking to him. pure and simple. He doesn't AT ALL make me feel better about ANYTHING! PERIOD! ESPECIALLY not about my boyfriend. I'm sorry I have a REAL problem w/some1 who jumps my case because I bring uo my boyfriend a little "too much." AT THE SAME TIME, makes constant passes at me. I'm done! I need to go back to having just GIRL friends coz I can't trust guys. Guys are ALWAYS letting me down.Not JUST in relationships. IN GENERAL! I can't get something off my chest w/o a guy taking advantage of me in some way and/or just not giving a shit to begin with. The ONLY guy who's really been any ACTUAL help to me w/what I'm going thru is my pastor...then again, maybe it's because he's already MARRIED/SPOKEN FOR that he's not after me too. yet that doesn't explain the creep I deal w/ he's married too,yet makes the most inappropriate comments to me at times. or used to...before I stopped talking to him. I'll say hi to him sometimes,but I don't engage in conversation. every1 is sick of hearing me talk about my bf,and I'm sick the back lashes I get for trusting ANY1,so it's a win/win. I don't talk to certain ppl anymore,and they don't have to hear about my bf anymore..I also don't have to deal w/creepy old farts telling me creepy things. done. I'm gonna try harder to not get close to guys anymore. at all. my battered and bruised heart isn't capable of that type of love anymore. I'm done.
The 1 man I wanted; the 1 I decided was THE 1, died on me, so fuck it! I'm done! I'm sick of guys falling in love w/me when I'm in no condition to love back;I've always hated breaking hearts coz I've had MINE broken so damn many times, I've lost count. it sucks, dude. =,(
I'm tired of men old enough to be my FATHER and GRANDFATHER getting the hots for me! it's GROSS and CREEPY! I'm sick of these guys equating the grief I have over losing my bf w/ being desperate and dateless and thinking it's "time to snatch me up." I'm so SICK of guys right now! they just piss me off! I can't be JUST FRIENDS w/1 damn guy W/O getting the damn hots/crushing on me. LEAVE ME ALONE! y da HELL would u wanna be w/a girl who STILL MISSES and GRIEVES over her LAST boyfriend? WTF??!! =,( I'm just DONE. or I'm TRYING 2 be,but I just can't get this off my mind. =( T_T I miss him sooooooooooooooo MUCH! =,(
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