I came from church today,passed out for the rest of the day,and had a dream about the guy I like and shouldn't. lol!! it's a little un-nerving because I SWEAR we r def having an affair in my dreams. shit! =0 all my dreams about him were him flirting w/me very "discreetly"; keeping his distance a little but not too far. I've had a dream where we were both standing on a playgroud full of kids. I think we were watching over a church group of children or something,and there were a few swing sets(not just 1 like playgrounds usually have),and I was standing near by 1 swing set talking to some of the kids playing on it,and there was another 1 only a few feet away,and HE was standing under that 1(there were no kids on that 1). He was just standing there all cool and calm and LOOKING at me..and SMILING!! AHHHH!! I think I had dreams of him doing the same thing,and we'd have these "moments" where not much happens,but u know SOMETHING is DEF happening. It usually starts w/the LOOKS.
Anyway this time we got a little more bold. In THIS dream I had, I think I had stuck around at church or something for a long time. I was the last to leave,and I mean the last by several HOURS. lol It was just him and maybe 1 other guy from our church hanging around and talking to him a while. I kinda kept to myself for a while and gathered my stuff then left. Suddenly, the dream skips over to him coming to my house. I invited him in,but he wouldn't come in. He said to meet him out back..thru my back yard. He had brought some stuff over for me. I can't remember if he was giving me something or if I had left something behind that he brought back to me. Anyway, he was so clever in his little scheme. I went out back and met him at the gate. Literally all that was between us was a damn fence and not a very high 1 either. I think he set my stuff down on the ground 1st and either, right over the gate,or walked thru it when I opened it, he looked at me for only a few seconds,I started to grin and blush a little,then he kissed me!! ^_^ I mean we made out a little but only a little coz I blushed so bad, I pulled away. probably turning bright red. lol! I hate that even in the DREAMS, he's married,so I'm kinda an adulterous witch in my dreams. I def wouldn't do this in real life,and I don't think he would either. But ohhh are we HORRIBLE people in my dreams!! I GOT TO KISS HIM!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! and since it was JUST a dream, I don't see how it was wrong in anyway. They say dreams are the best way to act your problems and fantasies in a safe way. Coz u could never do these things in real life w/o DIRE consequences,but it's perfectly ok in a dream. =) Besides...I only get dreams..his wife gets to have him for REAL. She still wins. =) lol and I can act out my desires w/o being a home wrecker. ;) =D
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
so much going on
I still have Rob's pic up on blogger. I think I shall keep it up. Anyway so much crap lately. I finally got my car,but it needs to be fixed still and made legal. laptop just HAD 2 stop working. doesn't get power to it anymore,and I have to replace it. greaaat. oh..school started and..I have a huge crush on somebody I shouldn't be crushing on. It's embarassing actually. He's like 15 years older than I am and even worse...he's MARRIED! =( I kinda thought my crush on him ended,but it came back and at full force. oh shit! lol. I have had an abundance of dreams about him too(and his wife as well) talk about irony. I'm glad I haven't had them lately,but I would kinda like the dreams again w/HIM please? just him. =D I kinda feel guilty because he's married,and my crush on him is getting BIGGER,however this full-blown crush has also SERIOUSLY soothed the pain of losing Rob big time.
Even if he was single,and we were dating,he could never in anyway replace Rob. He's NOT ROB. He's sweet and cute, fun to talk to like Rob,but he just wouldn't be able to satisfy me intellectually or any other way like Rob did. I can't explain it,but this is DEF JUST a crush. Rob was my true love. No man can ever replace what was stolen from me no matter how hard he tries. =( I will always love Rob for the rest of my life. NOTHING and NO1 can ever change that. I will, however, enjoy this silly crush I'm having and PRAY he doesn't catch on. That would be embarassing! =( I got to see him dance the other day,and it made me HAPPY. Happier than I should have been. Oh man. This man is sooooo easy to talk to,and he even made me feel better when I opened up to him about Rob. That does NOT mean I should be having this huge crush on him. UGH! lol. just because he happens to be a KNOCK OUT as well as a sweet heart is NO excuse for having a crush on him. lol!!
I am also still on the teeter totter w/my faith. It's up and down. Is it there? is it not? I dunno what I believe. I'm happy tho that a friend of mine who just last year wanted nothing to do w/church or God is now FULLY CONVICTED in her faith NOW and attends church. I'm so happy for her. =) and envious coz even SHE has FAITH. like for real. I wish I had it,but it's something I gatta work on I guess. Spiritual maturity doesn't happen over night. Gatta keep pushing forward. Just like when Rob died,and I thought I would be depressed and miserable forever,but I kept pushing forward coz it was my only choice. Same goes w/my faith. gatta keep pushing for it. Maybe I am making progress since my mental attacks r starting up again. Not as bad as they were when I lost Rob,but they r kinda creeping back up on me. Rob would be SHOCKED if he saw me now. I actually hung out w/somebody he thought I hated. I didn't like her,but I don't hate her either. She just rubbed me the wrong way back then,and I noticed as my feelings for Rob got stronger,I started feeling more threatened by "the other woman". I don't care anymore. Losing my better half shook me to my core and hurt me soo bad. She was best friends w/him too,and according to a mutual friend, she bawled over his death too. I think they were best friends too,but I had more w/Rob. He was the love of my life,so aside from his family, his death hurt me the most. =(
Anyways..I try to look at this crush as aloe vera for the burn of losing Rob. lol! coz it sure SOOTHED the pain big time. It helps me to not think about Rob so much, since thinking about him now tends to make me kinda depressed. I miss him ALL the time! Constantly! I miss him sooooooooooooooooooo much! 2 of my friends think he's w/me now in spirit. pssh yeah right! I WISH! but I doubt it. he's either in the grave awaiting resurrection,or he's (hopefully) in heaven. he's not there,and he's not watching over me. That's wishful thinking. >.< =( Anyway..I'm gonna go back to swooning over him,and praying it doesn't get out of hand,and I get caught. lol and I must go to bed. School in the A.M. =)
Even if he was single,and we were dating,he could never in anyway replace Rob. He's NOT ROB. He's sweet and cute, fun to talk to like Rob,but he just wouldn't be able to satisfy me intellectually or any other way like Rob did. I can't explain it,but this is DEF JUST a crush. Rob was my true love. No man can ever replace what was stolen from me no matter how hard he tries. =( I will always love Rob for the rest of my life. NOTHING and NO1 can ever change that. I will, however, enjoy this silly crush I'm having and PRAY he doesn't catch on. That would be embarassing! =( I got to see him dance the other day,and it made me HAPPY. Happier than I should have been. Oh man. This man is sooooo easy to talk to,and he even made me feel better when I opened up to him about Rob. That does NOT mean I should be having this huge crush on him. UGH! lol. just because he happens to be a KNOCK OUT as well as a sweet heart is NO excuse for having a crush on him. lol!!
I am also still on the teeter totter w/my faith. It's up and down. Is it there? is it not? I dunno what I believe. I'm happy tho that a friend of mine who just last year wanted nothing to do w/church or God is now FULLY CONVICTED in her faith NOW and attends church. I'm so happy for her. =) and envious coz even SHE has FAITH. like for real. I wish I had it,but it's something I gatta work on I guess. Spiritual maturity doesn't happen over night. Gatta keep pushing forward. Just like when Rob died,and I thought I would be depressed and miserable forever,but I kept pushing forward coz it was my only choice. Same goes w/my faith. gatta keep pushing for it. Maybe I am making progress since my mental attacks r starting up again. Not as bad as they were when I lost Rob,but they r kinda creeping back up on me. Rob would be SHOCKED if he saw me now. I actually hung out w/somebody he thought I hated. I didn't like her,but I don't hate her either. She just rubbed me the wrong way back then,and I noticed as my feelings for Rob got stronger,I started feeling more threatened by "the other woman". I don't care anymore. Losing my better half shook me to my core and hurt me soo bad. She was best friends w/him too,and according to a mutual friend, she bawled over his death too. I think they were best friends too,but I had more w/Rob. He was the love of my life,so aside from his family, his death hurt me the most. =(
Anyways..I try to look at this crush as aloe vera for the burn of losing Rob. lol! coz it sure SOOTHED the pain big time. It helps me to not think about Rob so much, since thinking about him now tends to make me kinda depressed. I miss him ALL the time! Constantly! I miss him sooooooooooooooooooo much! 2 of my friends think he's w/me now in spirit. pssh yeah right! I WISH! but I doubt it. he's either in the grave awaiting resurrection,or he's (hopefully) in heaven. he's not there,and he's not watching over me. That's wishful thinking. >.< =( Anyway..I'm gonna go back to swooning over him,and praying it doesn't get out of hand,and I get caught. lol and I must go to bed. School in the A.M. =)
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