I blog almost every day now that I'm in love, lol

Ok,so I did a search on how to tell if a guy likes u. I was curious and kinda bored,so I looked to see what kind of responses they'd have. It turns out some of the signs include rather he looks u in the eye,and 1 about if he's "flirting" w/other girls but looks at U while doing it,chances r he's testing to see if u notice/care. Well,usually me n my guy zone the store together and talk,goof off, etc. Yesterday, he was doing that w/somebody else,and I did feel a little jealous,but he wasn't goofing and being AS chatty w/her as he does w/ME. =P Plus, he WAS looking right at me while that girl was talking to him,and she had her back to me. Just when I think I'm not gonna get to spend any time w/him, I do tend to run into him 1 way or another,and he talks to me. ^_^ I was really happy when he didn't go straight to clocking out last night but found me sitting in the break room,so he kinda walked by and started talking to me.  I usually check the schedule to see we have any days in common coming up,and I was pleased to find that he did the same damn thing last night. YIPPEE!! ^_^ I thought he was JUST looking to see what HIS schedule is but then, I saw him looking MY schedule up too. He kept checking both our schedules and then pointed out to me what the next day we both work is. I was sooooo happy! I'm happy that he was eager to find out when we next work together too. I think for ONCE in my life, my feelings r NOT 1-sided. I want so badly to just grab him and give him a death-gripping, hug! I always fight back the urge tho coz I'm still unsure. I don't wanna freak him out if I can help it. I'm still afraid of chasing him off,and that's the LAST thing I wanna do. I think it's cool how at times when I feel like I have to compete or fight for his attention,he generally comes around and starts talking to me again. And once again, I have him all to myself for a while. =) I think there is def a BOND between us. I know I never get tired of talking to him,and it seems like he never gets bored w/me either. He is so easy to talk to. I feel like I could tell him ANYTHING,but I'm still very cautious and won't reveal too much. Altho,I have left MAJOR hints that I like him. Like last night, I was half grumbling about them taking him away from me,and putting him in another area of the store to work,and I actually told him to his face, "I was like, he's MINE to aggravate,not yours." If that wasn't a big fat hint; a on the verge of saying, "I am CRAZY about u." then I dunno. He's clueless! LOL! I wanted to hug him again last night when he left. I walked w/him out the door,and we stood there for a few seconds talking and then, he was trying to leave coz his dad showed up I guess,and I wanted so bad to throw my arms around him before he left. I held back tho. Omg,I think my body language even suggested it last night. I could feel myself sorta lifting my arms and walking towards him then, I immediately stepped back. I stopped myself just in time. lol Lord, I'm in  LOVE w/that boy! lol

are they signs? or am I over-analyzing this?

 I've had a thing for my coworker for quite a while now, and it seems like he really likes me too. But I wonder, does he like me for real,or is he just simply being a nice guy? Maybe he's like this to every girl? Are the signs for real this time, or am I just having wishful thinking again? =( I need a 2nd/3rd opinion etc. from somebody. He seems to really like hanging around me(at times). I can always make him laugh; seems like everything I say makes him laugh.(like when I attempt to make him laugh,I'm always successful at it.) =) He's such a sweetheart,but he's sweet to pretty much every1. I also feel like I have a bond w/him. He doesn't usually open to ppl much,but he kinda opens up to me a little. At least when I ask him qs. When I tell him he's fun to pick on he always says he likes it. I dunno if he's just kidding,or if he's HINTING big time that he likes ME! Whenever I tell him about certain hobbies I do(like when I told him I make comics,and write poetry) he looked IMPRESSED! His eyes real big,and he got this big grin on his face. He tends to get in these pissy moods and won't talk to any1.

He might even snap at u if he says ANYTHING at all! He did that to me once and the next time he was in a better mood and I could talk to him, I confronted him about taking his bad moods out on ppl. He actually APOLOGIZED! He also TALKED to me about his side of the story,and we both got a chance to explain y did or said what we did that day. I gatta admit, most guys will not talk to me like that. They'll just argue w/me rather than have a mature conversation,and fix what's wrong. The cool thing is,is that was a WEEK ago,and THIS PAST Wednesday,he apologized to me AGAIN! I wasn't even thinking about it! I think he had just clocked out for lunch,and he was headed to the bathroom. I was standing over there getting ready to check bathrooms, and he saw me and just kinda stopped and talked to me before going in the bathroom. I had already forgotten and gotten over the previous week's spat w/him,but he apparently, was STILL thinking about it because he brought it up again. He was apologizing to me AGAIN and even said I was RIGHT!! A guy admitting when he's WRONG?? omg! =0 He told me I was right about him not taking his issues out on other ppl at work. I don't think he's ever apologized to any1else at work. of course, I don't think any1else has bothered to confront him about it either, whereas, I had.


There was also a time when he got into a spat w/another coworker. This guy had jumped his case,and later he asked me y I didn't stick up for him. (I did. I jumped in there and vouched for him.) Anyway,the point is he didn't think I defended him,and I didn't know he even wanted me to. Don't most guys get their pride hurt when a woman defends him? It's like it mattered to him that I was on his side or something,but I dunno. Maybe I'm waaaaay over thinking this. I know I can make him laugh,and I know he doesn't look me in the eye half the time. I dunno if that's nervousness, or he wants me to go away or what? He does sound kinda nervous when he laughs a little. Usually when he's talking to me about something more serious(I do that too. Odd.) I've also had these silly playful who-should-hold-the-door-for-who games w/him. I don't mind holding a door for a guy like he does for me,but he wouldn't let me. He stood really far back from the door(staring at the floor as usual. I swear he can't look at me for some reason.),and INSISTED I go 1st. Even at the top of the stairs, he wants me to go down 1st.  Awww!! ^_^ Then there was also the time another guy we work w/,made a sexual joke in front of me,and he got PISSED OFF at him! He told him he was being disrespectful and rude saying that in front of me. eeeeeeeee! ^_^ Even after me n him walked away,and it was just us, he was still grumbling about it. Telling me how the guy was being disrespectful to me and all that. I dunno if he's JUST simply old-fashioned and woulda done the same for ANY girl, or if he sees something in me. I HAVE to know! I also know, that most of the time, he smiles when he sees me. Sometimes a really huge smile, and sometimes just a small grin that quickly disappears as fast it appears.

I remember 1 of the conversations I had w/him a few weeks ago, he had told me he remembered the day I had my interview at work. I'm shocked because this way before we got to know each other at all. I'm amazed he was being observant. He even told me the story of what this 1 manager said to him after my interview. I had had a fun interview,and I guess this manager enjoyed it too. Enough to say that I was funny and that he never had any1 talk to him that way before in his whole time of being a manger. Anyway, he told me lots of stuff. I just don't know if there's anything special going on w/us or not. I know I enjoy talking to him. Hanging w/him. We goof off together. We agree on a lot of the same things,but I don't know if he LIKES me! I do sometimes catch him looking at me even if  we aren't talking to each other that day or something. I'm prolly forgetting something,but this is it for now. I hope he actually likes me coz I am CRAAAAAAAAAAAAZY about him! ^_^

I am soooooooo in LOVE with this guy it's SCARY!

I'm trying to write a descriptive essay about the guy I like,and u'd think that would be easy considering I can't ever get him out of my head but NO! I'm having MAJOR writer's block. I don't know HOW to set this up. What should the introduction part be about? Which paragraph should be his physical description? Which 1 should be his personality traits? Do I mention my feelings for him at all? or is that taking away from the DESCRIPTIVE part of the paper? dammit! >.<  I got to see him at work today,and he stayed a lot longer than I thought he would. It was AMAZING getting to see him and talk to him again. ^_^ I haven't been able to talk to him in WEEKS! I was feeling deprived! He was in such a bad mood for so damn long,and u can't talk to him when he's like that. Even tho,I had this conversation w/him DAYS ago about him taking his moodiness out on other ppl,and he had apologized THEN,he apologized to me AGAIN,today! eeee! he's so sweet! ^_^ He kept telling me had issues and bad days but then, he told me I was RIGHT! that he shouldn't be taking out his bad mood on other ppl. awww! he already apologized,but I think it's amazing he did it again! He was still thinking about what I had said. I'm used to guys not giving a damn what I say or think,and I am DEF not used him REMEMBERING anything I say! but this is different. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I keep falling DEEPER and DEEPER in love w/him! *sighs dreamily* ^___^ I told him I sometimes make comics and write stories(I almost said poetry,but I didn't want him asking me what kind of poetry I write) aaaaaaawkward! Anyway, he perked up when I told him that! He was impressed! ^_^ He looked as delighted by that information as I did when I found out how old-fashioned and gentleman-like he is. ^_^

Why DO I love him so much?

I've been asked what it is I see in him. Hell,I often ask MYSELF how I fell in love w/him. I will try to explain what it is that made me fall so damn hard. Well,for starters..it happened JUST to piss me off. God and the universe or whatever u believe in, decided that even tho I'm awkward in relationship. EVEN tho, I have anxieties when it comes to relationships and such..EVEN THO I have sworn off relationships and just wanted to focus on getting my education,my a career,my license,my dental work,and just in general,my FUTURE,that it was time to send a guy into my life once more,that would make lose my mind; my focus.

This guy is AMAZING!(at least he is when he's not in his pissy mood and ignoring me.) Where do I begin? I mean,yes he is REALLY cute! He's adorable! Dark hair and dark eyes,my fav. physical trait on a guy. He has a really cute smile too. Even tho he smokes,his teeth aren't nasty at all. lol He's sweet. VERY sweet! He's a gentleman,and he's old fashioned. Even HE has said he is kinda old-fashioned. He seemed kinda nice when I 1st met him after I started this job. He helped me out a little when I was new,telling me what I had to do,but I didn't think much about him coz I rarely ever saw him. But when he came back into the same area I worked and was W/me,I actually got a chance to get to know him,and I just LOVED him! ^_^ I think he's very sweet,and I love picking on him which he's ok w/. lol He said being weird is cool. OMG! def points in my book!! LOL! We often goofed off together on the are occasions we had simillar shifts. especially when we zoned certain areas of the store together,that was when we had REAL conversations. We'd goof on each other a little,but I also got him to open up some,and I found out some things about him. He has QUITE a bit in common w/ me. From having to be driven to work by dad coz of a lack of license(like me) to having fallen behind and struggles w/school till finally dropping out and getting a ged(AGAIN, like ME.) He struggles w/math..OMG! me too! lol I find him so easy to talk to; so fun to talk to as well. Not to mention whenever we r both leaving a room,even if I get to the door 1st,he will not let me hold the door for HIM! he always wants ME to go 1st! he's such a gentleman! ^_^

What really got me was the day another guy we work w/ made a sexual joke/comment IN FRONT of me(more specifically to do w/women),and my guy  got PISSED OFF! He didn't YELL or anything,but he got irritated. He pointed me out and told him there was a female standing right there; to not say stuff like that. It was inappropriate and disrespectful. I was a goner then. If I wasn't completely in love before,I was after that remark. When we walked away together,he was still bitching about it and then he suddenly says, "I guess I'm just a little old-fashioned." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I LOVE that!!!! ^_^ I was thinking,"DAMMIT!!! U JUST MADE ME FALL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE W/U! THAT'S IT! I'M A GONER!" I SWEAR my head was SWIMMING! my heart was racing out of control,and I was trying to fight this huge grin that rapidly went across my face. He's so WONDERFUL!! ^_^  He also seems kinda shy. I feel like I could date him,and he would go real slow w/me; not pressure me. I just haven't figured how to tell him I'm crazy about him. I'm worried I'll chase him away; make him feel really awkward,and that's the LAST thing I want. =/ This is the kinda stuff I can't get out of my head for ANYTHING in the world! The only drawback as far as I can tell,is he gets in his MOODS and won't talk to ANY1! he'll flat out ignore u when he's in a bad mood. It sucks to try to talk to some1,and he ignores u. u feel like a retard; like ur talking to urself. It sucks! =( There's also a certain part of his past that another coworker let slip to me,so I even I shouldn't know,but I do. This thing,if it's true,must be so PAINFUL to him,I can't see him being able to give love another chance. I'd say he's even MORE closed off than I am. That broke my heart to hear that. I can kinda understand y he's always so damn MOODY! I pray for him quite often. My love for him has become a TERRIBLE,ACHE; it's even more painful having to squash it. I don't think I could EVER tell him my feelings knowing THAT happened to him. I can't say what it is/was coz I feel like I would be betraying so much,if I said what it was,so I won't. I hope I was able to explain enough,but I can never explain FULLY y it is I love him so much. I just do. =} ^_^

is this what love is truly about?

Are you supposed to feel this vulnerable; feel this depressed?
Are you supposed to go out of ur mind every single day?
Are you supposed to struggle this much to focus on anything else?
Is this what it's about?
Feeling depressed all the time?
Feeling like you've been torn down; like the wind has been let out of your sails?
Are you supposed to feel this-WEAK?!
Are you supposed change; to no longer feel like yourself,and to feel like you'll never the "old u" again?

Falling in love is

I only thought I knew what it was to be in love before,but I didn't.

This time I'm in love for REAL-and it's scary!

Falling in love is being EXTREMELY happy.

Falling in love is being an emotional train wreck.

Falling in love is being VERY vulnerable.

Falling in love is when u feel excited and hyper like a child, but u also feeling bawling ur eyes out.

Falling in love is what keeps u from focusing on more important things: like ur school work; studying,so u can actually get ur degree;make a life for urself, etc., because u can't stop thinking about him.

Falling in love is wanting to shriek w/joy whenever u see him; whenever u talk to him.

Falling in love is wanting to grab him, and give him a big ol bear hug and wanting to kiss him. ^_^

Falling in love is when a person that is normally so negative about life suddenly finds optimism in most things.

Falling in love is when u don't recognize urself anymore; when u KNOW you've changed,and you're not sure if u like it or not.

Falling in love is wanting to be there FOR and WITH him all the time.

Falling in love is a constant emotional roller coaster ride; it gives more strength to ur emotions than you'll ever experience thru puberty.

Falling in love is sitting all alone and smiling to urself,making those around u think u r insane. 

Falling in love is when u find urself dancing and acting NUTS when he talks to u.

Falling in love is also scary:  ur so close to finding ur right 1,but there's still the chance he's completely wrong for u.

Falling in love leaves u WIDE open to get hurt,and the pain is VERY intense if u do.

Falling in love is so intense, u wanna tell him how u feel to get relief, but u also feel like ur gonna choke,vomit,or pee ur pants whenever u even THINK about telling him.

Falling in love is the main #1 cause of mood swings.

Falling in love is like being on drugs: u have ur extreme highs and then ur extreme lows of emotions.

Falling in love is also sticking ur foot in ur mouth when u talk to him; say stupid things and later on wonder where the hell that came from.

Falling in love allows u discover ur creative side; u write the most beautiful poems. =)

Falling in love is both feeling AMAZING and  TERRIBLE at the same time.

I'm just tired of this

I feel so isolated.
I feel so alone.
All I wanna do is crawl into a hole and die-
or just sleep there for a while.
I'm sick of all the pain I'm feelin.
I'm sick of all the stress that's weighing me down.
Being in love and not being able to get any relief.
Struggling in school and not able to improve.
 Best friend trying to get me to chill w/her,but I aint got no license,and she lives too far away.
Teeth are hurting,and I don't have the money or insurance to deal with it.
I try to make plans but every time I do,something always comes up that makes sure it never happens.
Days turns into weeks and weeks into months and still,nothing gets done.
Time just keeps going on and on.
It's a freaking vicious cycle.
The more I try to get ahead,the more I get pushed back.
Dammit,this just aint fair!
Why can't I get any relief?
Why can't I succeed at just 1 damn thing?
I'm always beating my head against the damn wall.
I'm always tearing my hair out.
Doesn't seem to matter what I do,someone or something just doesn't want me succeed.
someone or something just wants me to stay where I'm at-
miserable
and down right depressed.
Always feeling angry.
Always feeling sad.
Always feel like dying.
Always feel like killing.
Giving up.
The stress just won't stop adding up.
It's like cancer, all I can do is treat the symptoms.
I can't cure it,so it keeps coming back,and it keeps adding up as fast I'm subtracting it.
Every time I eliminate 1 problem,another 1 immediately shows up to take it's place.
I'm just sick of it.
I'm just whole-heartedly sick of it.
I just wanna run away.
I just wanna die.
I just want it to stop.
I just want some relief...

Emotional Highs and Lows

She wanted nothing more to do w/love or relationships.
She has closed off her heart as best as she could.
She extended her walls even further up than before.
She only wanted to focus on school;focus on herself and HER life.
She was done with guys until..she met HIM.
She's finding that the more she has talked to him,the deeper in love she has fallen.
But at alas,like every other guy she falls for..he goes from her friend to a stranger.
He was once so sweet but now, stuck in his own rotten mood,he ignores her;
 treats her so bad for no reason.
She knew this sort of thing would happen.
It always does.
yet, she cannot get over how she feels.
She once felt so happy and higher than a jet plane,now she feels nothing but depression and loneliness.
A broken heart and tears are all that's left of her now.
She manages to go thru her day, once in a while, smiling and laughing with her friends and enjoying life,but she still has HIM on her mind.
And it makes her feel both ecstatic and deeply depressed at the same time.
She knows it is nothing personal against HER.
She knows he has his own problems,and she wants so bad to be there for him: to comfort him, but
he will not let her.
All he does is isolate her.
She feels as if she has lost an amazing friend on top of the chance at possible happiness.
She suffers from the constant highs and lows of her emotions.
The pain that being in love brings.
The reason she did not want to be in love again.
The reason she tries so hard to avoid these feelings and feels so out of control when she falls anyway.
She is tired of falling into more heartache instead of falling into TRUE love!

I can't focus

I've been such an emotional train wreck lately.  So, just to piss me off, I'm falling head over heels in love again(gag). I have the best conversations w/this guy,and I get to act as goofy as I want w/him, and it doesn't scare him off. I dunno if he's "the 1" or not,but I'd say he comes pretty damn close. I desperately need to study for this test I have today,but I just can't  focus coz I can't stop thinking about him and even worse, I'm playing every love song I have on my ipod. I've got it bad. =( I don't wanna be in love. It makes me into some1 I DO NOT wanna be! I hate how I get. For instance, yesterday I was actually in a bitchy/depressed mood JUST because he wouldn't talk to me. Is that fucked up or what? I'm used to talking to him and goofing off and all that. I felt so rejected and hurt JUST because he wouldn't talk to me. Stupid, right?

 I didn't think about how he's been in pain lately w/his ankle,and he may just have been in as crappy a mood as I was.  Of course, I usually stop to consider stuff like that but YESTERDAY, I was on this crazy emotional roller coaster ride,and I just wasn't being logical; myself. I'm ADDICTED to talking to him,and I hate it when I don't get to. I can usually make him laugh(and most ppl in general),and that normally would cheer any1 up,but he just wouldn't give me the time or day so to speak. It made me feel rotten,and it shouldn't have. I hope he didn't hear me grumble under my breathe, "Fine. Don't fucking talk to me. Whatever." or something like that. Even tho he was kinda ignoring me yesterday, I couldn't help but notice that on his way out the door, he actually turned and looked over his shoulder at ME.

It was for a second or 2,but he just LOOKED at me for a few seconds; held my gaze for a short time before he turned back around and continued walking out. I wonder what that was all about. I wish I was a mind reader. It would certainly make EVERY THING so much easier. I could finally know the TRUTH for a change before I say or do something stupid to a guy. Now that I feel better today and more logical, I think back to how I walked away from him to keep myself from bitching him out coz that's how shitty I felt. Oh u could hang w/me all day 2 days ago,but today I'm nothing to u?? He might have been doing the same by "ignoring" me. Maybe he was in a shitty mood too and to keep from attacking me, he just ignored me- or kept silent so as to keep himself under control and not fly off the handle at me. I hope that's y. That makes me feel LOADS better if that was indeed the case. I'm hoping I got enough of this out of my system now that I can finally focus on my studying coz I DESPERATELY need to pass this exam today. Please God let me pass. I NEED this! =/ Here's to falling in love and being unable to focus on my school work. -_-

I had an AH-mazing day today =)

I think I'm falling in love. I dunno where to begin. Every time I get a whole day at work spent w/ this guy I work w/, I go home later on in a TERRIFIC mood! I just found out for sure that he's a little old fashioned.  He told me himself. ^_^ 1 of the guys at work said the word "mushy" is german for "pussy"(apparently),and this guy I like so much,got pissed off about it because he said it in front of ME. As a woman/a lady, he thought it might offend me/be a little disrespectful to me. AWWWWWWWWWW!!! what a sweet heart!!! ^_^ he's a GENTLEMAN! GOD I LOVE that!!! ^_^ Also, after having a real good talk w/him earlier, I found out we have a lot more in common than I knew. He dropped out of high school  and got his ged too just like I did. And because of the same reason I did: He was struggling in school and falling further behind...JUST LIKE ME!! =0 he also struggles w/math GREATLY!! hellloooooooooooooo! me too! ^_^ He also doesn't have a license...again same as me. but I never got mine to begin w/,and he lost his. bummer. =( Even tonight, he got picked up by his dad(embarrassing, but my parents always have to pick me up too.) weird, considering he lives on his own,yet his dad was the 1 to go get him. Also, his dad is like mine in that since he wasn't out there when he "should have been", his dad came in looking for him. Mine does that to me too. LOL! we also both miss this 1 manager we had. lol

What I thought was AWESOME was the story he told about the day I was hired. He and our manager r obviously good buddies and just as I suspected, I was indeed hired because of my sense of humor; I made the manager laugh. Not too hard right? =) lol So apparently, he remembers the day I had my interview. He remembered when I had been sitting there w/my uncle waiting to e interviewed. Kinda weird, coz I didn't remember HIM. Anyway, apparently our manager had never had any1 else in the history of him being a manager, tell him him anything like I did. Like when I asked him if he had been 1 of those guys that tried on bras in Walmart that day. LOL!! He looked at me w/ his so called, "death stare",and said, "do I look like some crazy bra guy to u?" and then a few seconds later he was all, "I can't believe u asked me something like that. High 5." and he slapped me a high 5. That was awesome. =) LOL Talking about him has made me miss him all over again. =(

Anyway, I just realize that, the more I spend time w/this amazing guy, the more I fall in love w/him. Just a teensy bit more and more each time we work together. =) ^_^ ♥♥♥