it's weird some of the things I remember that I hadn't thought about in a while...

It wasn't too long after my boyfriend's death(maybe a month or 2 after at most) that I had a dream about him. We were in a crowded store,and he was almost as far away from me as from 1 side of the store to the other. It was strange how crowded the store was,yet it wasn't even noisy. Nobody else seemed to notice anything going around them. They didn't notice me,and they didn't notice Rob.

I saw Rob on the other side in a crowd of people looking from 1 left to right like he was looking for something-or someone. I kept watching him a distance kinda frozen like that-not sure how to react and suddenly,it was like he could sense me looking at him coz he finally looked over my way,and our eyes met. As soon as our eyes made contact, he somehow,without a lot of effort, managed to make a bee-line towards me right through the crowd. He would've had to push through people,but none of them noticed,and I don't recall he actually PUSHED through them. He was in a hurry to get me.

Once he got to me,he wasn't even out of breathe or anything,he just looked me in the eye and said, "do u know what happened to me?" This dream didn't seem real,but at least 1 friend thinks he actually visited me in my dream. I remember crying all over again and telling him what his dad had told me and like his dad, I didn't know. The weird thing is I was crying and getting loud in a crowd of people,and NOBODY noticed. In real life, that would catch attention.

 It was like we were BOTH invisible to everyone. We actually walked outside after that and in spite of the crowd inside, it was practically empty in the parking lot. I remember calming down and chatting w/Rob like old times. I had asked him, "have u seen God yet?" and he kinda looked at me as if surprised by my question. He also seemed to have to think about it and said, "umm  I think he's over here.." and he kinda walked over to a spot where there was a dumpster or something there,and he was insinuating maybe God was "behind" whatever that dumpster/wall was. I didn't really wanna go too close to the spot anyway,but I kinda craned my neck a little and somewhat "looked."

 It was then that I woke up from the dream. My friend thinks he actually visited me and that it means he's w/Jesus. Ok, assuming that's true, y did he have to ask me what happened then? wouldn't he already KNOW if he was actually w/God?? It doesn't make sense! =/

just some thoughts...

so while I'm struggling to retain this faith that I supposedly "have", I'm wondering if I'm a hopeless cause, or work in progress? I want to believe fully 100% in God and that he had a son who died for us and saved us,but I must admit..all the atheists I run into make damn good cases that I can't argue. I don't entirely believe either. I've been feeling like I have a curse on me between these creepy dreams of being touched by something or someone I can't see and not being able to fight back coz I can't move,financial crisis like my inability to get AND keep a job,the loss of my boyfriend, and my inability to understand and remember anything at school,it's really taking it's toll on me. I feel like no amount of praying ever does any good; it's like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear me or worse...doesn't exist. However, how did we all get here without some sort of creator? How did the earth,the planets,and the whole solar system-everything come to be without someone or something putting us and them/it all here? I want to believe in the supernatural/spirits so badly because I want there to be an after-life. If this all there is then what's the point of existing? I don't like the idea existing for a little while only to go back into non-existance.  It's easy to see y people get so depressed. I get depressed A LOT and angry.  I know my christian friends def caught on to me being a challenge. sometimes, I think they might feel like I'm a hopeless cause. I'm a negative person who doesn't believe in much,but I just sometimes go thru way too much at once or when I do get blessed, I usually get cursed shortly after..my boyfriend was a good example of that. I found an AMAZING guy who loved me back and proved it.

He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(