There is so much going on. so much...this crap w/ISIS basically killing EVERYBODY;they are attacking ALL nations! wtf? as if I didn't have ENOUGH trust issues...bring on more of the paranoia and feeling like I need to watch my own shadow sometimes. >.< anyways, Kenny is the guy I mentioned in the previous blog. I wasn't in love w/him at the time he started saying we should hang out. lol I'm mostly over the pain of losing Rob(and being back stabbed by his asshole family)..around the same time, Jake left after all. I'm not happy about this. stepped down from being a team leader,and now I don't have any1 who can make me laugh till I cry..some people kinda do,but no one can do it quite like Jake. That boy aint right!! lol. I miss him,and I can't get transferred by my house where I'd be close to home AND... working w/him again.
Anyway,right around the time Jake left was when Kenny started talking to me A LOT more than he already was before. He would seem to talk to me specifically even if his conversation was w/somebody else,he seemed to go out of his way more just to talk to ME; just to say "hi." He used to be in a rush to leave at the end of the night like the rest of us and especially never wait on me..now he does. He started hanging around and waiting on me; talking to me out in the parking lot almost all night long-all stuff he NEVER used to do before. Then he told me to text him if I was bored,then it was pushing to hang out. I'm glad I finally caved in and said yes. I can't tell u how many times I stressed to him I wasn't interested in being in another relationship. I was still feeling the sting of Rob's death,and I always get anxious when I know a guy likes me anyway. I could tell he was a sweetie and the kinda guy who loves HARD;the kinda guy who is easy to hurt,and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I prayed that if he was the man I was supposed to be with that I fall for him too coz I don't wanna hurt him. And now a couple months later,I'm in love,but it's not the same rush,nervous-ness/excitement-feeling -of -vulnerability that it had always been before-especially the way it had been w/Rob.
It went much slower this time,but holding hands,cuddling,and kissing always make my heart race. Even THINKING about holding him makes my heart do somersaults. I know now I wanna be w/him. I just get so awkward and nervous. Thank God he has so much patience....even more than Rob had,and he had been so patient w/me too. Hopefully something won't happen to him too,or he won't get tired of me at some point,or my anxieties and fears won't last forever and screw things up for us. Now that I love again,I don't wanna lose him too. I'm so sick of losing. I don't wanna be a loser anymore. No more losing those I love-either by death or by betrayal..or anything. I don't wanna keep getting hurt everytime I put my love and trust into someone. No more! That's basically it! I found yet another wonderful man,and I pray I don't lose HIM like I did the last 1. Now if I could get back that romantic writes sappy poems side of me back that I had w/every other guy I'd been in love w/before, that'd be great! =D lol
