What is a crush?
A crush is something that comes when u least expect it.
A crush is something that can get u into serious trouble.
A crush is a sort of soft spot u have for somebody-almost like being in love only not as strong.
A crush is something that sneaks up on u and usually, happens upon a person u should NOT be noticing.
A crush is something that can make u feel guilty for having it.
A crush is something that every1 recognizes as having and wishing they didn't.
A crush is something that sits and ferments in the mind bringing u joy one minute and despair the next.
A crush is sometimes something I will gladly talk about to my friends,but in this particular case, I should prolly keep it deep down and buried,and wait for it blow over.
A crush is something that makes u act seriously retarded.
A crush makes a simple little hug or compliment make u way more excited than u should be.
A crush is something that can make u ashamed of urself; something that will make u feel sick inside.
A crush is a mental disease not recognized by pyschologists.
A crush is something that makes ur blood boil,and ur very flesh sing at the slightest touch.
A crush puts a dopey grin on ur face.
A crush is this crazy little thing that puts us all in a VERY awkward position/state of mind.
God only knows about this stupid little crush.
Forgive me, Lord for having a crush that is off-limits.
Forgive me,for this crush CANNOT-MUST NOT grow w/hopes of something coming from it.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
I feel I am constantly changing-even more than I did becoming an adult
It as officially been 6 months-half a year- since my boyfriend passed away,and in all this time I have been trying to find a God I am not 100% sure even exists(yet I'm not an atheist either). My boyfriend was a drug addict who was actually trying to turn from those ways(for me. He had told me he was doing it for me.). I tried to convince him he needed to do it for himself and his kids too. I prayed over him all the time because I have heard so many stories about heavy drug addicts who finally turned their lives around. They get cleaned up and stay cleaned up. They find something constructive to do w/their lives. Some of them are even testimonies to others,and I always wanted my boyfriend to be 1 of those testimony stories. He was also an alcoholic and suicidal. This is not what he died from however. I FINALLY found out last month that he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. I was always worried about him even when he was alive, so I prayed over him CONSTANTLY. I was SCARED I was gonna lose him...and I did. Finally. I have been batteling every emotion u can think of. I've always been a loose cannon emotionally anyway,but losing my boyfriend shook me to my core. Ever felt like maybe u should be locked up in an asylum? That's how I've been feeling for months. I miss him all the time. The grief was ROUGH on me. I barely ate anything for days..maybe a week. I can't remember how long I did that for,but it was enough to make me lose weight apparently. It's been 6 months since this happened,and to this DAY, those who know me; see me around almost daily, continue to tell me that I lost weight. I don't know how it is I'm still losing weight when I eat again,and I drink soda too. I went right back to same habits I had prior to losing my boyfriend,but I'm still being told that I look thinner; I lost weight. Anyway, point is, I've been battling anger along w/depression. I have been struggling,trying not be angry w/God for taking my boyfriend after BEGGING him not to. I said, "what's the point in bringing a wonderful man into my life just to take him away from me again? What kinda "gift" do u take back?" That hardly seems fair!
Anyway, my friends, Brandy and Sherry talked me into going to their church w/them sometime,and I'm glad I did because I like it there. At 1st I felt like an imposter. Going to church and all when I don't have as much faith as my friends. I'm not CONVINCED like they are,and I don't like "going thru the motions." I was actually introduced to their pastor,and he's a total sweet heart. I had a counseling session w/him yesterday,and I actually had a great time. He said he just wanted 2 get 2 know me,and not push any religion on me. He reminded me of something I knew anyway: That a relationship w/God is different from religion. He told me about his own testimony..and apparently he was an atheist at 1 time. I can't imagine any PASTOR ever having been an atheist at 1 time. That's cool! =) I also worry about my boyfriend's eternity because based on what I was taught about salvation and all that, I feared my boyfriend is in trouble. I don't think he had the faith,nore do I think he "accepted" salvation,and tho the pastor and I both talked about this and not knowing where he is, I did tell him how my bf sounded the last time we spoke. He sounded peaceful. He sounded A LOT happier than I've ever heard him sound in the year I've known him. And he told me that peace doesn't come from Satan. It's possible that my boyfriend truly is at peace. I mean he didn't say in those words,but it gave me some hope. I've had so much to think about since that talk. I wish I could get my mom to meet him too coz her faith damn near wiped out just like mine is.
My point is, I am finally feeling more peace of mind. I'm still not there yet in my faith,but my mental anguishes have died down A LOT. I know I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Even remembering that my boyfriend's birthday is only a few weeks away isn't depressing me like it was before. I feel like I am changing so much. I didn't notice much before,but I def started to change when I met my boyfriend. Maybe around the time I started to fall in love w/him, I really started to change,and I have had people tell me they noticed a change in HIM too. ^_^ I was saying for so long that I've been in love before but not like this. There was something different about THIS time,and I said the same thing when he died. I've had my heart broken before,but never like this. I was always able to make myself get over a guy before,but I couldn't this time,and it was FRUSTRATING! I mean, we didn't break up; he wasn't an ass! But I still stewed over my inability to move on-something I was always good at before. How much sense does it make to still be in love w/a man who's dead? I've also wanted counseling for years,but I wanted christian counseling. I didn't think any other type would help me AT ALL! Being told, "well, think of it this way. u gave the man pleasure/unconditional love,and he needed that." or whatever. That's great! But that still doesn't fill the hole in my heart his death caused. It didn't fix my depression;my grieving.
How does 1 deal w/the death of the 1 person they're in love w/? We're not talking about a relative I haven't seen in years or don't remember/never met. We are talking about my other half. My best friend; my soul mate. You can't treat a death like a break up coz trust me,they're not the same. I can only hope-er pray this sense of peace I'm feeling(it's only a little,but much more than I had for months) will LAST. I don't wanna fall right back into my depression.
Anyway, my friends, Brandy and Sherry talked me into going to their church w/them sometime,and I'm glad I did because I like it there. At 1st I felt like an imposter. Going to church and all when I don't have as much faith as my friends. I'm not CONVINCED like they are,and I don't like "going thru the motions." I was actually introduced to their pastor,and he's a total sweet heart. I had a counseling session w/him yesterday,and I actually had a great time. He said he just wanted 2 get 2 know me,and not push any religion on me. He reminded me of something I knew anyway: That a relationship w/God is different from religion. He told me about his own testimony..and apparently he was an atheist at 1 time. I can't imagine any PASTOR ever having been an atheist at 1 time. That's cool! =) I also worry about my boyfriend's eternity because based on what I was taught about salvation and all that, I feared my boyfriend is in trouble. I don't think he had the faith,nore do I think he "accepted" salvation,and tho the pastor and I both talked about this and not knowing where he is, I did tell him how my bf sounded the last time we spoke. He sounded peaceful. He sounded A LOT happier than I've ever heard him sound in the year I've known him. And he told me that peace doesn't come from Satan. It's possible that my boyfriend truly is at peace. I mean he didn't say in those words,but it gave me some hope. I've had so much to think about since that talk. I wish I could get my mom to meet him too coz her faith damn near wiped out just like mine is.
My point is, I am finally feeling more peace of mind. I'm still not there yet in my faith,but my mental anguishes have died down A LOT. I know I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Even remembering that my boyfriend's birthday is only a few weeks away isn't depressing me like it was before. I feel like I am changing so much. I didn't notice much before,but I def started to change when I met my boyfriend. Maybe around the time I started to fall in love w/him, I really started to change,and I have had people tell me they noticed a change in HIM too. ^_^ I was saying for so long that I've been in love before but not like this. There was something different about THIS time,and I said the same thing when he died. I've had my heart broken before,but never like this. I was always able to make myself get over a guy before,but I couldn't this time,and it was FRUSTRATING! I mean, we didn't break up; he wasn't an ass! But I still stewed over my inability to move on-something I was always good at before. How much sense does it make to still be in love w/a man who's dead? I've also wanted counseling for years,but I wanted christian counseling. I didn't think any other type would help me AT ALL! Being told, "well, think of it this way. u gave the man pleasure/unconditional love,and he needed that." or whatever. That's great! But that still doesn't fill the hole in my heart his death caused. It didn't fix my depression;my grieving.
How does 1 deal w/the death of the 1 person they're in love w/? We're not talking about a relative I haven't seen in years or don't remember/never met. We are talking about my other half. My best friend; my soul mate. You can't treat a death like a break up coz trust me,they're not the same. I can only hope-er pray this sense of peace I'm feeling(it's only a little,but much more than I had for months) will LAST. I don't wanna fall right back into my depression.
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