I am so frustrated

Since every1 has their own set of problems and are sick of hearing mine, I will just blog from now on. I can't talk to any1 anymore. I am STILL grieving over the loss of my boyfriend,and I HATE it. So does everyone else...Sometimes it's.. "Oh what's wrong? Talk to me." But since it's about my boyfriend,they irritated with me again. It was only 6 months ago that I lost him. How soon does everybody expect me to move on? I wish I COULD. I believe me I wish I could. This pain just WILL NOT go away! =,( I am so SICK of people trying to match make me with someone,or getting pissed off at me because I mention my boyfriend. "That's a chapter in your life you need to close the book on."..."You remember your boyfriend A LOT don't u?" "No matter how much you cry over him,it won't bring him back." NO SHIT! I've heard it all a million times. NOBODY gets it! NOBODY has had to go through what I am going through! ok, no GUY anyway. It's all GUYS that are being this damned assanine just because some of them WANT me. Like this creepy guard at my job. He's like 72 or something! He's old enough to be my GRANDFATHER,and he has GRANDKIDS MY age!! oh..did I mention he's MARRIED???!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! The things he has SAID to me that both creep me out and piss me off at the same time.

 Wanting to make LOVE to me?? telling me I have a beautiful long NECK??? He's CREEPY!!!!! Just because my boyfriend died does NOT give u the excuse to make a MOVE ON ME!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! I have some friends who seem to care about me to a point,but even THEY get annoyed with me,and tell me I am playing the "pity me. pity me" game. FINE! I won't talk about it anymore, ok? I won't talk about ANYTHING anymore. I'm DONE! That's y I will just blog. This is 1 more thing that makes me miss my boyfriend that MUCH MORE. I could ALWAYS talk to him about ANYTHING. NO matter how much it bothered me or for how long! I knew he would always listen to me,and I knew he would comfort me. He was always there for me. I can't say that about any1 else. They  get sick of me. My boyfriend NEVER did. Tell me, God, y the HELL did I have to lose him????? It's so UNFAIR!! =,(

Oh, so I "tune people out". Yeah? so WHAT if I do???? I can't let people in. They'll disappoint me. There will come a time when no1 will be there for me,so I try like hell not to get attached to any1-ESPECIALLY if that person is a GUY..a guy I might end up developing feelings for. I HATE it! I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and misunderstood all at once; all by different people. I'm trying to go back to being antisocial coz nobody understands me ANYWAY! I feel so much pressure! On top of that, I have friends who have pushed me to go to church w/them,and I have met other ppl there too...but there is 1 guy who is divorced,has no family here,and he sometimes says some things to me that make me very uncomfortable. I want to be helpful and encouraging to others,but it's very hard when I'm in desperate need of it myself. I MISS MY BOYFRIEND! I MISS HIM! MISS HIM! MISS HIM! He was the only 1 who NEVER got sick of me. The only 1 who I could always go to no matter how upset I was,and he would be there for me. Loving me instead of pissing all over my cornflakes about what bugs me! Of all people, WHY HIM???!!  WHY did HE have to die???!! It isn't fair! I miss him so much!!! =,( =,( =,( I have no where to turn to anymore. I'm on my own now. I'll just keep blogging to vent coz I just can't talk to ANY1 about anything anymore. =,(

Tears

tears. tears. go away. Never come back another day.
Know this right now, that no matter how many of u I shed..
It will never be enough to ease the pain..
No matter how many I shed, nothing will ever bring him back..
tears. tears. please go?
You will never be enough to ease my pain.
I will cry and cry and somewhat "feel better" for a while..
but out of the blue-
any little thing-
like the holidays or his birthday-
or some random memory will come into play..
making me think of him and how much I miss him
and I will just cry and cry all over again.
Please leave me be?
I don't want to hurt anymore.
tears. tears. so MANY tears.
nothing will ever erase the memories that are nothing but MEMORIES now
because he is gone,and we cannot make new ones.
Tears. tears. just GO AWAY!
He is gone and will NEVER come back.
Just let me be.
Let me move on with my life.
I just want it to stop hurting.

I have 2 get this out SOMEWHERE lol

I don't want 2 admit this 2 ANY1-not even my own best friend.  I def do not approve of the way  things work out even if the outcome is "positive." the thing is-I have a crush on a married man. yep. I know I have done this before,but at least the married man I crushed on before was not someone I personally know. he was a celebrity who this kinda thing is expected to happen to him I guess. I dunno. wanna know the irony? he's a PASTOR. yep. pastor of the church a few friends of mine talked me into going to because I was falling apart in the WORST ways over losing Rob(my boyfriend). All this man was supposed to do was help me. I had a lot of questions,and he had answers. my faith is not 100%-not even 50%,and I needed some advice. some kind of "therapy" if u will. He was a HUGE help,and even made me feel a lot better than I had in 6 months over losing the love of my life. ok, well, I was NOT supposed to get a crush on him. this was NOT part of the plan at ALL. so this is driving me bananas,and nobody I personally know reads my blogs,so this is where I will get this out at. each time I see this pastor, I go more gaga over him. the thing that sucks is that he flirts w/me. I dunno if he is REALLY attracted to me,or if he is goofing around/trying to boost my self-esteem. either way, I LIKE it,and I shouldn't. =( he is MARRIED and has 3 kids. but I amm SO attracted to him. I get GOOFY when I'm around him. I smile like an idiot. I think about him A LOT. I KNOW I will NEVER act on this crush. I will never try 2 kiss him,sleep w/him,or even so much as hold his hand,but he does hug me,and I don't mind. he hugs every1else from church too,so it isn't really so bad. besides, what am I gonna do? say, "oh, I'm sorry. u can't hug me anymore because I have a huge crush on u,and I enjoy it way too much. u r married,so I cannot accept this." it's idiotic! am I supposed 2 turn down a hug just because I ENJOY it? even if I'm getting  it from a married man? isn't everything to do w/God supposed to give us joy somehow? HE trusts me, lol. I mean, in a way, I guess u could say God sent me this man's direction to begin w/- KNOWING I was gonna develop a GIGANTIC crush on  him. lol it doesn't help that he sometimes calls me a "beauty" or "cutie". HEY! stop exciting me like that! u MUST not encourage me like that! DON'T!! I LIKE it,and I SHOULDN'T! I know I will never act on this crush,but I fear if it continues 2 grow,it will become OBVIOUS to every1. I don't want certain ppl(especially not him OR his WIFE) to figure out I LIKE him. I would never be able 2 face these ppl again. =( my crush HAS been getting bigger all the time. I don't think there has EVER been a time in all my history that somebody somewhere has NOT found out about my having a crush and who it's on. lol. but DAMN he is CUUUUUUUUUUUTE! he is FIIIIIIIIIIINE!  *drools* he has become my damn HEART THROB! but I shall keep that to myself. I am not a homewrecker. never have been. never will be. I am a PROFESSIONAL at denying myself-at least when it comes to men. lol. I just had 2 get this out of my system. I LIKE THE GUY!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS CRUSH ON HIM! AHHHHHHHH! ok, now it's (kinda) out of my system. lol