struggles

I hate that I feel this way; jealousy. I KNOW jealousy is a sin,but I just can't help it. I know Charity likes Dylan an all. This has NEVER been a surprise. She told me a while back...what irks me is HOW MUCH their friendship/relationship(whatever they're calling it) reminds me of what I had w/Rob. It makes me depressed because I once had that,and it was taken away for some reason. She says they decided 2 stay "just friends",but I doubt that. If u guys REALLY like each other, ur not gonna be able 2 stick 2 that for long. I know they text w/each other,so I know they don't JUST talk at work. I know they like each other. I know they've practically become best friends,and I'm betting they can talk to each other about anything and everything. They also met AT WORK; exact same place I met Rob. They both work the same dept; which is how they got 2 each other anyway. EVERYTHING about them(as far as I can tell) is just like me n Rob. =(  This makes me feel further depressed that he's gone. I feel jealous and grief all over again. I wish 2 GOD I could find my bible again. I want 2 try harder at getting right w/my faith,so I can have some peace. plus, I don't wanna condemn my eternity just because I can't quit being a mental case. Case in point..I MISS ROB!!!!!!  =,0 God KNOWS I miss him,and seeing a couple that IS SO MUCH like US;like what WE were; how WE started out as is NOT helping at all! not even a little. =( Rob was still ALIVE when Charity 1st told me about her and Dylan,and I was happy for her then BECAUSE they reminded me how me and Rob started out,but now that Rob is GONE..that feeling of pride and joy turned into depression and jealousy. I don't WANT 2 feel like that! I want PEACE! I really need 2 get out of that job like YESTERDAY! I can't take being there anymore. It's driving me CRAZY!!!! =,(  I've noticed Charity every once in a while, tells me we need 2 have a"girl's night out" sometime. It's SUPPOSED 2 be to HELP ME,and this was all HER idea! She conveniently "forgets" 2 text me her schedule or whatever. I don't care tho! after all, it was HER idea! Honestly, I think she's just out w/Dylan all the time and forgets about me. Its FINE. I did that w/Rob too. I was spending all my time w/him and MORE of my time w/him than anybody else(yep. charity and dylan do that too.) too. I kinda avoid her lately coz she's not as comforting 2 me as she tries 2 be. Not 2 many ppl are. NOBODY can bring Rob back,and I can't fill the hole that his death shot thru my heart.

I'm tired of waking up everyday angry and depressed (both whenever I have 2 work.) I'm tired of wanting 2 destroy things-at the same time crying as I get ready for work. I'm tired of fighting w/ppl because I feel so bad that I just wanna be left alone,and get irritated when ppl bug me,and even tho I don't outwardly show my anger or sadness(not that I know of anyway), they sense it and some get offended,and some feel sorry for me. I'm so SICK of this pain. It's wearing me down. It's making my muscles tense up,and my sleep patterns worse and worse each day/night. I'm sick of mourning. I wish I could STOP. I wish I could get some PEACE!! I already took down Rob's pix and refuse 2 look at them anymore coz I'm tired of crying over him,yet I can't stop. The only sense of relief I seem 2 get is talking 2 that 1 security guard at work! I don't know HOW or why,but I feel better when I talk 2 him.(it's odd, coz he's 1 of the few ppl who thinks I should be over Rob by now.) We both like 2 talk in depth about ghost stories; paranormal experiences, God,and all kinds of other things. For some reason, even when I am feeling down, when I see him walking towards me, I start 2 cheer up much more. I didn't think ANYTHING or ANY 1 could cheer up a GRIEVING person. I am not in ANY way falling in love w/him or anything like that(I know it kinda sounds that way),but I find it very calming;soothing if u will 2 talk 2 him. He can so easily make Rob's death seem unreal and easier 2 deal w/. He can also make it easier for me 2 temporarily forget about him,and I just end up feeling better. Its so odd. How come he's much better at cheering me up than any1 else? lol

Grief(tribute 2 Rob)

I wish I could stop thinking about you-
about what happened.
I wish I could stop being knocked down by the memories; by the flashbacks that suffocate me whenever I go to work-the place where we 1st met and fell in love.
I wish you were still here and that I didn't have to wake up each and every day remembering that you are gone now.
coz each and everyday feels like a constant punch in the stomach.
I feel like a demon w/ razor sharp claws is reaching inside of me-ripping me open;  ripping me from the inside out; turning me inside out like a shirt being taken off and hurled to the floor.
I'm tired of having the illusion for a while that, maybe I'll be ok now,and then out of nowhere, the smallest thing will set me off-
like a hurricane, my illusion of peace is just the eye,but the storm is never over.
before I know it, the tears will come again like the great flood u read about in the bible-or like a tsunami/tidal wave/hurricane..
any disaster u can think of- that is how POWERFUL my emotions are.
I had such high hopes for you; I thought u would pull through.
I thought we had a future together,but at last, despite my begging pleas to God 2 let me keep u-
he took u from me anyway- in the blink of an eye.
Not just from ME-
but ur family too.
ur parents.
ur sisters.
and most importantly...
ur sons.
2 little boys who haven't seen their father in 2 years,and now never will again.
2 little boys who I know u missed terribly,and it sucks that u didn't get 2 see them 1 last time before u departed.
Not 2 truly quote the remix song for and by Aaliyah, but...
I miss u.
ur family misses u.
Even some of our coworkers miss u.
Ted and Sherry miss u-I know u liked them as much as I do. They r really sweet people. =)
Even Andrew is sorry about ur loss-even tho u 2 didn't like each other; he didn't get 2 know u the way the rest of us did-he didn't know u were a nicer man than u allowed him 2 see,but he thinks u didn't deserve this either.
Damn, I miss you!
You were my heart and my soul; my soul mate.
You told me once that I would go on 2 do great things in the world and 2 never forget u.
u said that 2 me MONTHS before u died.
I will never forget u-I can't.
I want 2 just for the sake of easing the pain,but I know I can't.
I can never forget how I finally found true love-something I didn't believe in.
I can never forget how I finally had a REAL man- once again,
something I didn't believe in.
and of course...
unconditional love.
something we were BOTH seeking and found in each other. =,)
I miss u, Sweetie.
R.I.P.
I pray I see u again in heaven someday.
I don't want this 2 be the end of US.

I hate every little way I feel lately!

WHY is it I still wish I could(re-meet) and get 2 know a guy I haven't seen in 7 years and doesn't remember me? I'm not crushing on him again like back then. That's in the PAST. I've usually had no problem getting over a guy and leaving him IN the past?? WHY do I wanna get 2 know him so bad? WHY do I wanna go back to Illinois and hopefully run into him while I'm there?? WHY do I now want 2 meet his family so bad?? What is it ABOUT these ppl(who I have NEVER met) that makes me pray on it/wish so bad I could meet them?? I cannot BELIEVE how INSANE I am going! Is this a symptom of GRIEF? why is it I can't keep much of ANYTHING to myself? I know damn good and well that ppl r gonna think I am CRAAAAAZY when I say this shit out loud! WHY did I have 2 lose my boyfriend in the 1st place? yeah, I stressed out and had my fights w/him at times,but I was HAPPY!! WHY did I have to be robbed of my happiness??? I've been going out of my MIND(even worse than usual) since he died! It isn't fair! I hate how UNHAPPY I feel when I go to work. I used to LOVE going into that place,but now I HATE it; I resent it! I spend most of the day in a fit of rage and wanting 2 punch some1 out. Other times, I am OK;calm or mellow-like. And the other half my day running off to the bathroom so many times to cry. I MISS HIM,and it's driving me CRAAAAAZY!! >.<  =(  I want to run away but have no where to go(no money or time),and I still can't get away from the MEMORIES!! =( There is far too much death going on this year! each and every death I hear about drives me INSANE because it makes me re-live the news that the LOVE OF MY LIFE passed away! =,( I just can't find much comfort for long no matter where I turn. I don't even have awesome daydreams to get me thru the crap that is reality coz I used 2 have so many fantasies about a man I was falling in love w/so quickly who FINALLY became mine,but a few months later dies on me. It sucks!! =,( I want to run away and get out of town somehow! I just want to leave an travel the world..and just keep traveling! bouncing around from place to place before I have a chance to get 2 close 2 ppl I meet coz I just don't want anymore attachments to any1. >.<  =( I want to get RELIEF,but I just CAN'T! =,(