update blog: haven't done 1 of these in a while

There is so much going on. so much...this crap w/ISIS basically killing EVERYBODY;they are attacking ALL nations! wtf? as if I didn't have ENOUGH trust issues...bring on more of the paranoia and feeling like I need to watch my own shadow sometimes.  >.< anyways, Kenny is the guy I mentioned in the previous blog. I wasn't in love w/him at the time he started saying we should hang out.  lol I'm mostly over the pain of losing Rob(and being back stabbed by his asshole family)..around the same time, Jake left after all. I'm not happy about this. stepped down from being a team leader,and now I don't have any1 who can make me laugh till I cry..some people kinda do,but no one can do it quite like Jake. That boy aint right!! lol. I miss him,and I can't get transferred by my house where I'd be close to home AND... working w/him again.   

Anyway,right around the time Jake left was when Kenny started talking to me A LOT more than he already was before. He would seem to talk to me specifically even if his conversation was w/somebody else,he seemed to go out of his way more just to talk to ME; just to say "hi." He used to be in a rush to leave at the end of the night like the rest of us and especially never wait on me..now he does. He started hanging around and waiting on me; talking to me out in the parking lot almost all night long-all stuff he NEVER used to do before. Then he told me to text him if I was bored,then it was pushing to hang out. I'm glad I finally caved in and said yes. I can't tell u how many times I stressed to him  I wasn't interested in being in another relationship. I was still feeling the sting of Rob's death,and I always get anxious when I know a guy likes me anyway. I could tell he was a sweetie and the kinda guy who loves HARD;the kinda guy who is easy to hurt,and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I prayed that if he was the man I was supposed to be with that I fall for him too coz I don't wanna hurt him. And now a couple months later,I'm in love,but it's not the same rush,nervous-ness/excitement-feeling -of -vulnerability that it had always been before-especially the way it had been w/Rob. 

It went much slower this time,but holding hands,cuddling,and kissing always make my heart race. Even THINKING about holding him makes my heart do somersaults.  I know now I wanna be w/him. I just get so awkward and nervous. Thank God he has so much patience....even more than Rob had,and he had been so patient w/me too. Hopefully something won't happen to him too,or he won't get tired of me at some point,or my anxieties and fears won't last forever and screw things up for us. Now that I love again,I don't wanna lose him too. I'm so sick of losing. I don't wanna be a loser anymore. No more losing those I love-either by death or by betrayal..or anything. I don't wanna keep getting hurt everytime I put my love and trust into someone. No more! That's basically it!  I found yet another wonderful man,and I pray I don't lose HIM like I did the last 1.  Now if I could get back that romantic writes sappy poems side of me back that I had w/every other guy I'd been in love w/before, that'd be great! =D lol

this is what u call "mixed blessings"

So I made the mistake of getting in touch w/Rob's family a few days ago. I was naive enough to think these people really accepted and thought of me as family. They sure treated me that way 2 years ago when I ws introduced to them. ya know I felt GUILTY for not maintaining contact w/them and when I finally did,the way his stepmother treated me was WRETCHED! u would think if u have a loss in common w/someone,then u and those people can help each other and maybe even might like to know how u have been all this time, etc etc. right?? don't u think?? I thought so,but this dingbat didn't even remember who I was,so I explained that I had been Rob's girlfriend,and she fucking attacks me. bitching about me using their name on facebook(well I thought Rob and I were in love and would have married 1 day + I thought it was a sweet way of cherishing his memory). oh noooooooo! she wouldn't stop bitching as if I committed this great crime and acts as if I am delibrately stirring up the pain again. Well, I miss him too..so she tells me to get over it coz he used me and didn't care about me and all this. really?? he sure didn't behave at ALL like a man who doesn't care about his lady,and I KNOW a man who doesn't give a shit for real. If that IS true, wow. that makes me feel like I can't trust men at all if 1 can be THAT good of an actor. He was so protective of me,and easily got upset. like EMOTIONAL when he thought I was betraying him somehow..would a guy who doesn't care about u go through all THAT just to put up a front?? sounds like too much effort just to deceive someone to me. I don't get it. He was VERY affectionate w/me. VERY. whenever he apologized to me,he would TIGHTLY hug me and rock me back and forth. is that the actions of a man who "USES" me? how about the fact he even bothered apologizing at all?? nothing adds up. I'm trying to figure out what her motivation for lying to me would be too. didn't this bitch used to say, "u coulda been my daughter-in-law?" I know she did. My friend,Gabrielle was there w/me that day. She can tell ya. whatever. the GOOD news tho...

I seemed to have found somebody anyway. Someone at work who started out as an acquaintance  for so long suddenly out of the blue, started showing an interest in me. I was very hesitant and resistant at 1st,but now I am glad I surrendered and started hanging out w/him. I've been having a great time,and I'm def starting to like him. I get butterflies and a racing heart when we cuddle/hug. wow!! The best thing is he doesn't do drugs or drink. HALLELUJAH!! =D and as FAR AS I KNOW, he's not USING me or being deceptive at all.  I hope not. I am so SICK of being made to regret giving a man my heart. I'm just over it. I'm over the lies,over the betrayal..over the heartache...if you're just gonna use and abuse me later..GO AWAY!! he seems like the real deal but after what I learned about Rob...how can I trust this guy either? how do I know who I can trust anymore? my trust issues only got WORSE!!! =( then again,my fears/anxieties/trust issues etc could kill my chance of having a good man. I fear that too. Please God don't let me ruin a good thing? if it really is a good thing. I just don't know anymore. =,(

so much going on...

I'm so BUMMED that Jake left our store. I was having fun giving him a hard time. seriously tho. I love him to death. The good thing is tho he works at the store just up the street from my house,so I get to drop in from time to time and annoy him good. =D I love that guy! he's my BUDDY!! ^_^ also..been hanging out w/another friend from work. This seems to have come from outta NOWHERE that he keeps wanting to talk to and hang w/me more. I've known him for MONTHS,but out of the blue, we are suddenly hanging out lately,and I gatta say I am enjoying it! I am  NOT falling in love,but I am definitely having a great time and looking forward to the days we hang out.  I am having more of a bounce in my step and am so much happier these days. I am no feeling as depressed or angry as I've been for a very long time. I am also attempting to get a transfer to the store up the road by my house and where Jake is. I would LOVE to be over here where I can annoy him and only be about 15 min from work. I had a crush on 1 guy and yet another is hanging out w/me lately. I am very mixed up w/all this...and kinda still missing my love,Rob.  As long as I am being allowed to take things slow while I figure out where my heart/feelings,thoughts etc are headed before things go further, I will be fine. I just need to keep seeing where this goes and by that I mean where my feelings are headed-if anywhere.

what's w/these dreams??

about a couple days ago, I had ANOTHER dream about something flying that is trying to get me.  WHY do I have these dreams? it's always air craft of some sort that flies FAST towards my house like it's gonna smash through my window. I dunno. Maybe they're trying to kill me or something. This time it was the "big boy" statue or whatever it's called from "the simpsons." lol! it wasn't cartoon-like tho. It was "real." Like our world "real." Like what always happens in these dreams, I duck out of sight away from the window,but this time I was able to observe where it was and w/o it suddenly disappearing from sight. It was flying in circles like a hovering bird would over prey. wtf? like it waiting for me or something. It did that for a while and not "seeing" me,it finally left. weeeeeird.

I also had an AWESOME dream. 1 that I could control coz I KNEW I was dreaming. Sometimes, I still can't control my dreams,but I had the ability to control this 1. =) I had a dream about being at work and suddenly realizing I was dreaming and smiled over this and said to myself,"I know this is just a dream. I got an idea." In real life I have a HUGE crush on a gay guy at work(oh the irony), lol. Well in my dream, I marched right up to him and said, "I KNOW this is just a dream." then got straight to it. "I've had a major crush on u for several months." LOL talk about BOLD! hahaha. Anyway, to my surprise, he looked PLEASED about it. He smiled so big and then took my hand,and we walked right out the door. I was like, "oh, we're just up and leaving. ok. I guess we're not even gonna clock out 1st." It was just a dream,so I wasn't at ALL worried about it, LOL. I also hadn't forgotten that he's gay,but in my dream he was clearly straight..or at least bi. LOL!! coz he took my hand and walked me out. We were just gonna run off together I guess. We didn't get very far in the parking lot before I stopped him and pulled him to a tight death grip of a hug and stood there for a while just relishing in being in his arms. Then I pulled him down toward me and made out w/him..surprsingly he kissed me back! not stand there and let me do what I want, but he actually PARTICIPATED!! OH HELL YEAH!!!  too bad it's ONLY a dream. dammit. lol yay!!! ^_^

I'm starting to lose my faith in men again..=(

I realize he's just a BOY. yep. a boy. coz a REAL MAN would NOT be so disrespectful. He's only a teenager but still. I knew guys in high school(still teenagers then) who were far more respectful to women than this guy. I can tell u, he makes me miss and long for Rob even MORE because Rob woulda got PISSED at this guy. He used to get pissed off at other guys who talked like that because my man actually believed in RESPECT. u respect ur lady. u love her and protect her. u don't kiss(in this case fuck) and tell. My coworker ANNOYS me. don't get me wrong. he is FUNNY,but in general,he is a disrespectful ASS! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this 1: imagine..u break up w/ur gf/bf because he/she cheats on u..BUT u decide to still FUCK this person. EVEN when they have a new man/woman. now,if u hated it when it was done to u,y the FUCK would u go BACK to her/him and enable that person to do the same wrong to others that was done to u? that's him! he thought I would "delight" in hearing how he still screws her EVEN THO he "can't stand" her. really??? r u that MUCH of a moron???

he started naming all these names of guys she cheated on WITH him! smh..when I asked y would u wanna sleep w/some1 u supposedly "can't stand" his moronic response was, "coz it's fun." then he says, "I'm faithful once I'm in a relationship." yeah right! why do I have a hard time believing that? *rolls eyes* people fucking irritate me. I wonder if he knows I just basically put him down? prolly not. he's kinda stupid. right after he tells me all this, I said, "that's why I stay away from relationships and haven't even dated in a WHILE.  I miss Rob soooo much. Rob showed me that some men actually DO have class,it's not all about sex,love IS real,a man IS capable of LOVING a woman as the woman she is not for her body,and yes,some men DO respect a lady and treat her as such. I need him back in my life to remind me what a real man is like coz I'm starting to "forget." =( oh..and I GURANTEE u if Rob was here today,he would BITCH this guy out. Not only did he GREATLY disapprove guys who treat women like sex objects/abuse them,but the fact that *I* was the 1 this clown talked to would've further pissed Rob off. He was so protective of me when we were just friends and was even more so when we became a couple. Rob would have been ANGRY to a tee finding out his own girlfriend was shown this much disrespect. so yeah,the asshole made me miss my sweet,loving,protective,respectful boyfriend even MORE.

Hoping this will help my faith out some..

I'm just gonna make a list of prayers that actually HAVE been answered! a lot of my prayers go unanswered,but I have had some that were. I'm attempting to make my faith in God grow if it at all possible coz I'm having a crisis of faith,so here goes...the LIST...

Not the exact order of prayers either,and these r the only ones I remember atm..

1.  Before Rob actually died, I woke up feeling so terrified (for no reason I can come up w/ for feeling that way) that something happened to him that I actually cried my eyes out and prayed over him constantly. I think when he didn't text me back was when the panic started to set in. Well after praying over and over that he would be ok,he finally,eventually texted me back,so I knew he was ok. false alarm.

2.  Both when getting the job at Sam's and at Publix.

3.  That I would do well in my interview at Publix coz I was a nervous wreck and have been so bad w/interviews lately.

4.  When I was on my way to work (at Sam's),and my brakes weren't cooperating. fortunately, they didn't start messing up until I was already in the parking lot. I was going slow,but the car wouldn't stop,so I prayed there was nobody coming coz I blew right thru the stop sign.

5.  I think I might have prayed about any chance I might have w/Rob since I was falling in love w/him and still scared to tell him..but I can't remember exactly. I did however,get my guy.  =)

6.  Ironically, my prayer was answered about calling off and LYING my ass off,so I could go to Emilee's grad party coz I am so SICK of missing out on family events. However,I felt intense anxiety the whole time and even the next day,but I didn't get in trouble at least.  I hated lying to a certain guy I'm pretty much BFFs with,but I couldn't risk even telling HIM the truth considering the position he's in. Maybe the anxiety is God telling me, "I will cover for u and let u do this,but u will feel miserable and paranoid about it too. let this be a lesson to u about lying."
(who knows? I'm only guessing. I don't KNOW for SURE).

7.   Ebony is constantly in and out of her spells and seems like she will die at any moment. I asked that  she not go yet coz I can't handle all the deaths going on at 1 time still. particularly after losing Rob. =(

8.  This 1 happened in a dream,and I was certainly a different person. It was like these ufos and/or planes or whatever they were  were targeting ME. kinda like w/spirits only these were big air crafts dive bombing my yard/near my window,and it seemed like they were after ME. nobody else even saw/heard them. just me. I got so scared, I was shaking and crying and asking God to make them go away,and after a few minutes or so, I did stop hearing them,and they seemed to "vanish",yet I still felt paranoid throughout the rest of the dream,but they did NOT come back.

9.  I think it was when I worked at Sam's,and I stupidly took a horseradish pill for spider veins. Anyway, after just clocking in for the day, I constantly felt like I was gonna hurl,and I PLEADED w/God for 30 minutes to make it stop: either vomit or leave me alone. It finally passed,and I lasted my whole shift after all.

10.  I might  have been praying the time I was pulled over too,and the cop only pulled me over to tell me I couldn't drive w/the high beams on(I had been speeding a little). Talk about a close call.

11.   I didn't quite pray as much as I bitched( sorry, God =( ) when my buddy at work almost moved away coz his bf found a job opportunity in Orlando or something,and they were about to move away. I was so upset I admit. Seems like every guy I get close too(even in a non-romantic way) is eventually removed from my life,and I was upset. "First Rob now Jake too? r u gonna let me keep ANY of my friends/boyfriends?" Again-Sorry, God. Well I was making myself learn how to cope w/o him being there when I found out that, for whatever reason, Jake's bf didn't take the job,so they didn't move after all. That was sort of a prayer that was answered. Poor Jake tho. I think he  really wanted to go,and his guy prolly had a great opportunity waiting for him too. Sorry Jake. =(

12. For the 1st time ever, I prayed to fall in love with an AMAZING guy who loves me,and I didn't want to hurt him because I didn't feel the same way. now I do,and we've been together 2 months now(September-Nov).

my VERY unusual dream

I had a dream about being a boy who was apparently haunted. yeah, I was a BOY. I think maybe a pre-teen boy or however old boys are when their voice starts to change coz I heard in "my" voice what sounded half like a little boy/half like a teenager. Anyway, I kept seeing from inside ufos or huge planes or SOMETHING flying too close to my house. they would look like they're landing in my yard or like they were gonna smash right into my windows or slider doors because of how CLOSE they got the house.  It was scary,and I only got frustrated coz I seemed to be the ONLY 1 seeing and hearing all this. I'm not sure when I went outside(I don't think I would've gone outside. I was too scared). It was like if ur house is built smack dab in the middle of the airport,so all the planes r flying AROUND u right BY u. that's how loud these ufo things were.  some looked like really huge planes but others I'm not sure what they were. I was afraid someone or something was targeting ME. I was soooo scared. I kept going from room to room only to continue to see things flying straight at the windows. I swear they were coming for ME!!

At 1 point I somehow ended up at a different house in my neighborhood(I don't remember leaving the house)that was sorta empty,but I think my "parents" still owned coz I just walked right in there. It was 1 "we" used to live in. Anyway,I guess the move was recent coz "my" neighbors didn't know my "family" had moved. I think around this time is when I prayed. I actually said this, "God PLEASE help me? I know I don't really believe in u,but will u please protect me? please make it go away?"  like that the commotion slowed down,but I wouldn't say it ceased entirely. Around that time I looked out the windows of this other house I'm now in and saw a cop outside. I think she picking up her little girl from the bus. There was another 1 of my neighbors walking by also(I think she was an elderly lady),and they both walked towards the house I'm in and knocked or rang the doorbell. I opened it and let them in. They asked me if "my" parents were home,and I told them that we actually don't live in that house anymore but moved just a block over or something. the 1 lady and her kid kinda hung around,but it was the other lady who actually kept talking to me. I was still looking out the windows and feeling paranoid but also much safer because I had a few people w/me. They got a point were they were ready to go home and wanted me to go home too. I didn't want to. I was afraid of stepping outside. the 1 lady and her child left,and the 1 I had been talking to I had BEGGED her to walk me home. I was still scared to step out there-especially alone.

I think I mentioned the things going on to my "neighbors" as well but like my "parents",they noticed nothing and thought I was being paranoid/getting scared over nothing. Once again, I heard my voice in my ears when I spoke, so I was def a boy in this dream, lol. So I convinced my neighbor to walk me home as I turned onto and then was passing a street before my "house",I saw some creepy looking homeless guy or someone just looking at me w/this mean stare as if he DARED me to look at him and say something. I wondered if he was some1 to fear too or just a creepy bum guy. not sure. I walked passed him as fast as I could too. When I got back to my house,my neighbor wouldn't even walk me to the door. She stayed out in the street and watched me go in before she continued on home. I was still freaked out,so I hauled ass into the house. I saw or herd no more signs of the weird planes and other flying objects,but I was still shaken up and feeling very panicky. When I walked in, my "parents" were going thru boxes or something. They had a mess of things in the living room. I think I had a little sister coz I now saw a little girl of maybe..infant or toddler age? I can't recall. I know she wasn't scared either. I was the only 1 who had experienced this trauma. My "dad" looks at me and says, "oh good. ur back. u can start on the garage." Apparently the garage is also a scary place my character has been before because I got scared and was almost crying and BEGGING him not to make me go to the garage,but he wasn't letting up on me,so I slowly and fearfully made my way to the garage. Only I never got there before I woke up. lol

My point is that apparently God FINALLY protected me this time even tho I still felt in fear. I no longer saw or heard those creepy ufos coming towards my house after I made that prayer. I say God finally protected me because he wasn't protecting me from the other night terrors I was getting. So.yay..maybe there's hope for my faith after all. =)

I wonder if it's only dreams,or do spirits actually come after me in my sleep?

I had another dream that kinda freaked me out a little,yet I wasn't as terrified as I should be. for YEARS, I've been having "dreams"(I say that w/ quotes because they don't seem like ordinary nightmares) about some1 putting their hands all over me. grabbing me;grabbing an arm,leg or just poking me,and I can't see what or "who" it is. I'm always lying on my back in my bedroom,and it looks EXACTLY my real room;detail for detail-how it would look to me from the perspective it does when I'm awake.  I'm always paralyzed when it touches me. I'm not sure,but I think I dreamt about it again,but this time I saw it if that was the thing.

So, I'm outside this time in my back yard at night,off to the side of the house,and I get into a deep powerful prayer w/God(more powerful than anything I've ever prayed while I was awake),and I think some part me knew I was dreaming because I remember asking God something like, " this prayer counts right? even tho I am dreaming?" anyway,when I was done praying(even ending it w/an "amen " which I never bother to do in reality),and I felt better. I was cheery and walking w/a bounce in my step as I walked back inside.
I have a deck in my back yard,but it was in a different shape and right outside the slider glass door w/no porch like I have in real life.

Anyway I was by myself,and I walked back inside thru the slider glass door. As I stepped in and turned around to close the door,I was caught off guard to suddenly see a "man" standing there looking at me. He wasn't there moments before coz I woulda passed him on the way to the door. He was standing right there on the other side of the slider w/only the slider door between us. I don't know y I didn't jump to slam the door shut. I just backed away,and he TOO CALMLY slid the door open,and walked right in towards me. I backed up but not too far,and he reached out and grabbed my arm. I'm trying to remember what he looked like. either somebody in space suit/scuba diving outfit(like the "old" kind I guess w/the helmet thing),or some old man w/glasses only where u should see eyes,it was..light? white light. I'm not sure. I can't accurately recall how he looked. I was slowly starting to lose the ability to move,but I was still able to move just enough to struggle. I started praying and asking Jesus to get rid of him(which of course didn't happen),but I still had control of my voice. Normally, I can't talk above a raspy whisper and sometimes not at all,but this time, I still had my voice at full volume. I was praying out a sentence,and the 1 sentence,it was like I lost my breath(only I didn't) because I missed 1 of the words in my sentence as my voice gave out,but I immediately got it back in time to get the next word,and I just kept going until I woke up.

Disturbing/Awesome Dreams

Dream #1: I had some strange dreams this morning. I was only sleep maybe an hour at most when I started getting this weird series of dreams. The 1st 1 I think was about Rob. There was about 6-8 picnic tables w/ like 3 or 4 in each row under some outside "roof" like u would see at a park. anyway,some event of some sort was going on because all the tables were FULL. there were LOADS of people sitting at all of them,and I was kinda in the 1 row sorta furthest from the last table in the other row,and I thought I saw ROB sitting at that table. He was wearing the blue and white striped shirt I love so much w/the skull on it in the dream. It looked like him over there sitting,talking and laughing w/the people at that table. There were enough other people kinda in my way blocking my view just enough that I couldn't be sure if it was him,but I started pining away for him all over again. I don't recall speaking out loud,but I felt myself being ansty and almost jumping up and running over there,and I was thinking in my mind and heart, "omg. it's Rob. I miss u so much and love u. I want u back." or something,and he seemed to read my mind coz he suddenly stopped talking and laughing,and he looked right at me and got up just as antsy and fast as I was doing,and he started walking quickly towards me going around the people,but as he was making his way towards me,his appearance started changing. his face AND body changed,and he looked more like 12 or 14 year old boy...not a 12/ 14 yr old version of HIM but a random 12/14 yr old boy,and I started to push him away and said, "never mind. ur not who I thought u were."  but maybe it WAS still him. I don't know,but it was weird.

Dream #2: My dream suddenly flipped over to another a dream. I had some dreams where I'm in my "room",but it's not my real room. However the same exact dim lighting I had on from my desk lamp was the same kinda light in my "room."  my room was set up slightly different from my real room. I was standing by my bed and closet,and the bedroom door was to the right of my closet(in real life,it's to the left of it). It was Carrie. I met her at orientation months ago,and we've been good friends since..she was in my dream opening my door, I heard her talking to somebody I didn't see or hear,and she opened my door only slightly then looked at me,and I looked back then she closed the door and walked out. I can't remember if this was between my dream about Rob,and the next 1 I'm about to tell,or if was after. Anyway this brief bedroom/Carrie opening my door looking at me then leaving dream happened TWICE during my series of dreams. I dreamt about Jason Lee(who is my celebrity crush at the moment),and this guy at work who I also have a major crush on. Anyway, Jason Lee is sitting on the steps of some house,and I'm leaning down to kiss him. Just before our lips touch,the guy I know from work yells out to me, "KATHLEEN! STOP!" or something. I don't remember what he said,but he ran over there and picked me up,and ran back w/me across the street somewhere. He then set me on my feet.  Again..can't remember all he said,but he was grinning and laughing and I guess...flirting w/me. Whatever it was he was about to do,he stopped himself and said, "wait! I'm gonna do this the right way!"  and he started reaching deep down in his pocket,and I wondered if he was about to propose to me. It's weird coz in real life this guy is GAY,and he has a boyfriend. Before I could find out what he was about to do,the dream switched on me AGAIN.

"Dream"  #3? I'm not sure but after the last few dreams, I woke up and intended to grab my dream catcher keychain from the top of my dresser,but I just couldn't make myself get up. My eyes quickly started closing again,and I couldn't fight 2 stay awake; I quickly lost that battle. I think I fully understand sleep paralysis now. My mind was still conscious even tho my body was quickly going back to sleep. I was afraid of what the next dream might be,so I was fighting the whole time and could feel myself going deeper back into sleep,and the paralysis had already started taking effect. I was trying to move and when that didn't work, I successfully opened my mouth(I think. not sure if for real or only in the "dream"),in an attempt to make ANY noise that would wake me back up,but I couldn't utter out a sound. Because I was terrified of what dream I might have,I started praying and begging God to let me wake up. Now mind u,I couldn't SPEAK,so I was praying in my HEAD. As I was praying,my thoughts FORMING,right on cue, I heard voices echoing back at me,saying what I was and kinda mocking the pleaing tone of desperation I would've used if my voice would work. The voices seemed to be speaking on my behalf,yet they sounded like they were MOCKING me. doing a half ass job of imitating my voice,and I saw nobody. Just heard some disembodied strange sounding voices..not so human sounding at all either mocking me or speaking FOR me since my voice wouldn't work. It actually creeped me out enough that when I finally woke up, I forced myself to sit up and stay awake for a WHILE before going back to sleep coz that last 1 seriously creeped me out.

For Rob

why do I keep thinking of u so often? I don't wanna do that anymore.
I gatta finally lay u to rest,but ur memories "haunt" me.
I keep trying to move on,but I'm always thinking about u and running into people or situations that remind me of u.
I meet people with a new england accent or are patriots fans like u were.
I read things online that talk about true love and the perfect guy..all things with which u were and I had with u.
I have a new crush right now,but whenever I daydream about him, u quickly come back to mind.
Most of the time,I'm fine and have gotten used to ur forever absence from my life..
but then before I know it, u have crossed my mind this time in particular,and I start to miss u all over again and have to fight back tears.
u were my everything; our relationship was amazing.
We truly had true love. something our generation rarely ever sees in this crappy modern world.
please let me move on? we are separated forever.
I don't wanna continue being depressed and feeling the void of ur absence.
Just rest in peace,and let me LIVE in peace.
I love u,but I got to let u go.
I will never forget u my love..

you've been gone for nearly 2 years,and I'm still writing poetry about u. I miss u. =,(

the pain never quite goes away. u can bury it deep and knock it unconscious,but u never can really destroy it.
it always come back. when u least expect it..w/a vengeance. ur under the illusion that time has helped u 2 accept he's gone,
but it's only a matter of time before ur thinking about him again,and remembering ur time together and wishing he was still here.
the pain consumes u before u know it.
ur missing him again and wanting to die because living w/the pain is exhausting and stressful and sheer torture. u want him back all the time.
but u can never have him back.
u accept that he's never coming back,and numb ur mind to his loss.
sometimes u numb urself so well that it feels like u made him up. or at the very least, u feel like ur relationship was made up and sometimes even wonder if he even existed to begin w/.
then u start to feel sad because u feel like u are betraying him w/ur desperate attempt to forget him just to ease the pain.
it isn't long before ur driving by his old place or see or hear something else that reminds u of him,and the memories bombard u and remind u that he WAS real. he DID exist and so is the fact that u were indeed a couple,and it's real all over again,and u miss him all over again.
the grief starts all over,and the whole vicious cycle is back. u miss him so much,u feel the stabbing pain in ur heart all over again; the hole in ur heart that was never filled.
only patched over for a while. ur once again trying not 2 curse God for taking him.
u know that no other man will be as good for u or love u like he did;
u know u won't be able to love another man as much as u loved him.
it's a vicious cycle of come and go pain that u know u will live w/for the rest of ur life coz
the memories r forever imprinted in ur mind. true love truly never dies even when ur TRUE LOVE does.

the confusion is definitely at hand here. lol

the big million dollar question about the guy I like is..is he gay or married? I'm mainly confused because not only do I see him hang more around girls than guys,but I've only seen him FLIRT w/women too. That might be confusing. He also wears a gold ring on his left hand,so it appears he's married. However,a friend of mine and I were talking about the types of guys we find attractive,and I said that I like men w/dark hair and dark eyes. Another coworker overheard this and told me that people w/brown eyes are connivers. To which I said that my boyfriend had had brown eyes,and he was a sweet heart. ^_^ Anyway,my cutie team leader (*blushes*) over heard THIS part,and he said, "what does that make me? I have hazel eyes." LOL! Also,my friend mentioned that the world has 1 less amazing guy because my boyfriend died,and this guy says, "what about me? I'm amazing; I'm still alive." aww. I hope that means he might be somewhat interested in me. I doubt it,but it was still cute. lol!! I like him A LOOOOTT!!! omg!! * blushes* I wonder what that means. y would he even care if he's gay or married? He should only be focused on what his spouse thinks of him if he has 1 like I think,or if he's gay,then y would he wanna convince FEMALES that he's amazing? what would be the point? it's not like either of us could date him if he is. see? hence why my blog has CONFUSION in the title. I am really wondering now. lol  I love how he hugged this 1 girl who he's like best buds w/,and this old lady who he cashiered for was like, "did she pay w/cash? is that y she gets a hug?" then he hugged her too..now mind u she's an OLD lady. elderly! and now he's got his ego inflated and tells me he's a ladies man. LOL!! that was freaking hilarious! he is NOT ok. LMAO!! again..do GAY guys even "jokingly" say that they are a ladies man? doesn't seem to me like a truly gay man would even be FLATTERED by the idea of it,and he sure seemed to like that. =) cool beans. he does seem to like women. =D that's a little encouraging.

what's it gonna take to truly move on and get some relief?

 I still love u and miss u for all of my days.
  I crush a lot and am crushing now,but I still miss you.
In the past,getting a new interest made me forget about the past broken heart
but let's face it-what u and I had was too strong; too AMAZING to replace.
u did once tell me to never forget u.
maybe that's what it is. maybe somehow u are "still around" making sure I can't forget u.
no matter what I do. no matter how much I think I've healed and "moved on", u are still on my mind ALL the time.
At night when I'm all alone, I want to dream about u. I stare at ur picture because it makes me feel like you're there looking back at me.
No  matter how much I crush and am able to notice other men again,they still can't take ur place.
You're still the 1 I wanna talk to about everything both good and bad that happens in my life.
I miss u so much and surely will till my last dying breath.
I will likely speak ur name as my last word(s) on my death bed.
I wanna be able to love again and give another man a chance,but no man can ever make me feel the way u did-or satisfy me emotionally and intellectually like u did.
No man can be my BEST FRIEND like u were.
No other man is gonna think as much the same as me as u did.
I miss u so much and sit back an imagine what our future could've been.
I grieve the beauty that was lost when ur life was taken so suddenly.
I can't stand not having u in my life even now,and  it's been almost 2 years.
Even in another 20 -40 years, I'm sure I will still grieve ur loss.
I think about u often,and beg u to come see me in my dreams again but nothing.
I want u back. I'd do anything if I could get u back-
I'd do anything to have saved ur life-prevented ur death in the 1st place, my love.
I miss u miss u MISS U SO BAD!
there was a time when crushing on other guys made me forget a broken heart I had prior to it-but not U.
NO other man can make me forget u.
NO other guy as much as he tries, can take away the pain of losing u.
He could be the most AMAZING guy and treat me well like u did,but he still can't take ur place.
He can't take away the pain losing u has inflicted on me.
I will never stop missing u and longing for u until my last dying breath,my love.

I'm much happier than I've been in a long time. =)

I found a new job at PUBLIX of all places. I've always heard good things about Publix,and I finally get to work there. I love my coworkers. I don't get stupid drama rumors and crap from them like Sam's and Walmart and plus..we get to goof off!! everybody goofs off-including the managers. ^_^ there is 1 team lead(who I thought was a manager. oops).,and...*blushes*...I've kinda got a little crush on him. he is realllllllllly cute,and he is HILARIOUS!!! he dresses all professional and tries to  make u think he's so "mature",but he's really a DORK. YEAH!! MY KINDA GUY!! ^_^ I just hope he isn't taken. Once THAT issue is out of the way(if ever) then I gatta make sure there's not some policy about team leads and employees dating(that is if he's even interested).  I'm not at all looking for a relationship anymore. I just wanna casually date. Go out and hang. Have a good time. Talk and get to know him. That's all I want for now. I just pray to God he's single. I really wanna date him so bad. He's def cool. He's very sweet/easy to talk to,and I get to act like a retard w/him coz he does the same. =)

The other day, he found a half eaten donut abandoned in it's box on the table in the break room,and he finished it off.  lol he started giving this  1 girl a hard time. she has an accent,and he started mocking her accent the way a bratty child would do trying to be annoying/get attention. it was so funny. A few days ago, it was raining,he poked his head out the door to where  I was, looked at me w/narrow eyes and pointed at me.  I said, "what? I didn't do it." He said, "yes u did. u made it rain." LOL!!! then we "argued" back and forth about how the other person made it rain,then he said, "ur right. I made it rain." then he said, "how u dooooooon." in this strange voice and almost in the way Madea talks when she says it or says "halleluyer." He actually made me think of Madea too. OK ok. I'm hooked.  he's cute, he's sweet, AND he's  crazy. shit! that's my kinda guy right there. LOL!! I want so bad to get to know him more but not just at work. I wanna hang out w/him outside of work too. some place just the 2 of us where we can just talk and get to know each other. That would be great if he's just the kinda guy to help me get over the PAIN of losing Rob once and for all. I want to move on already. don't wanna keep being depressed and angry anymore.  I'm also praying he works tomorrow. I really wanna see him. =) =D ^_^ That's all I wanted to state. I really like the guy.  =)