My Views

I just saw this movie called, "Spartacus" in my "history of motion pictures" class yesterday,and now I'm trying to write a diary entry thingy on it. Let's see if I can somehow get my ideas out and then, turn them into a paper somehow, lol. I was amazed to find I really liked this movie...at 1st. It was interesting enough to hold my attention and have me on the edge of my seat thru the whole thing. The whole movie is about slaves who wish to be free of being slaves. Spartacus was an intelligent man who thought "outside the box." While every1 else just got used 2 being slaves and put up w/it, Spartacus wouldn't accept it. He was looking for a way to get his freedom; looking for a way to make EVERY1 free.

It was really sweet too because he gets sold to his new master who has a "school" teaching the slaves to be warriors; learn how to fight. They are not supposed to actually KILL each other there, they r just simply TRAINING to be gladiators. It is up to their new owner once their sold again as to what do w/them,but while in this "school", they r not supposed to fight to the death. Also, in this "school", there r women slaves too,and the women got put in cells w/the men. Each man got 1 woman put in his cell w/him. This is how Spartacus meets the love of his life. It's sweet coz u can tell he's infatuated by her right away,but he is a gentleman.

He tells her he's never had a woman before,yet he doesn't try to sleep w/her. There r other men that have an opening to his cell above where they can see them,and they tell him he's weak or whatever bcoz he's not making any moves on her. He yells at them that he's not an animal. I LOVE men like that. The woman was eventually taken from his cell just because he wasn't taking advantage of her. Sometime into the movie(mind u I only saw this once,so it's gonna be kinda hard remembering everything accurately), more slave owners come visit the "school" to come buy some slaves. They want to see 2 slaves fight each other to the death,and the victor is the 1 that they will purchase. Amongst all this, the woman Spartacus loves, gets sold. At the same time, 1 of the other slave guards or whatever provokes him by smacking in the face,so Spartacus retaliates by beating the crap out of this guy and eventually, drowning him in soup. He gets ALL the other slaves riled up at this point,and they're all punching/killing guards and breaking away.

They end up escaping and forming together to try and flee Italy and have their freedom for good. The move was going along great at 1st. I was cheering Spartacus and his whole army on the whole time. People were escaping. They were gonna get out of there. I ended up not like the way the movie ended because everything they had done..they had gotten SO. FAR...for nothing. It was all in vain. Spartacus does get to be w/the woman he loves later on,and they do have a son together,but he and the other slaves lost the war w/the rest of Rome. Most of them were killed and the ones who survived were crucified. Spartacus and another man were spared their lives for a little bit longer,but then the 2 men were forced to fight each other to the death,and the 1 left standing was to be crucified anyway. Which is what happened, Spartacus killed his dear friend and was later crucified. His wife and newborn son manage to escape and get their freedom. but Spartacus still ends up dying in the end.

The thing was, they hung him on a cross that night,and the next day was when his wife w/their new born made their escape. He was still alive for just a little while. Long enough for his wife to hold the baby up to him as best as she could and introduce their son to him. Then a few min later, he died. It sucked so bad. everything he went thru to get freedom for all of them. In the end, it was only his wife and son who got freedom. Every1 else was either killed or went back to being slaves. I HATED that ending w/a passion. At the very LEAST, I wanted HIM to survive. Or somebody to climb up that cross and get him down; nurse his wounds enough that he survives after all and can escape w/his wife and son. It isn't fair that he got cheated out of being w/his lady and seeing his son grow up.  It isn't fair that the infant got cheated out of knowing his father. So I liked the movie but hated the ending. That gets a HUGE dislike from me/

I had the strangest dream this morning

The man I love just confessed he loves me,so I had to confess as well,and everything has been hectic ever since then. Also, I had the CRAZIEST dream about him this morning. I had a dream that I was at work,and my parents were there as well. I kept seeing Rob(my love) a bunch of different times. He was everywhere. In and out etc. I saw him out in the parking lot,and for some reason, he moved my car. I remember wondering how he got a key to my car and then remembering I gave him 1. In real life, u would give some1 the key to ur apartment/house,but in this case, I gave him a copy of my car key. The thing that freaked me out was he kept "turning into" Gary(my ex). It weirded me out so bad. He would walk up to my parents and make friendly conversation,but he was GARY now,and my parents don't even LIKE Gary,but somehow they didn't SEE Gary like I did.
Like,how could they NOT tell that "Rob" suddenly became Gary? I figured out sometime during the dream that Rob doesn't exist and never has. Gary had somehow "transformed" himself into "Rob." He was a "diff guy" going by a diff name,and I was sad and angry at the same time coz I trusted him. I thought I had found a different man,and it turns out the man I thought I met didn't exist. I have told Rob about Gary and the issues I had w/him,and finding out I had been talking to GARY all along about my issues w/him,made me squeamish/mad/sad/disappointed. like how could he do this to me? Rob didn't exist after all. He was made up entirely. He was kinda like Gary's alter ego(or whatever it's called). I felt like a fool and hurt. The man I fell in love w/ did NOT exist but was just my asshole ex deceiving me once again just like he did when we dated. My job seemed to merge into my house too coz suddenly I walked into my room. I think. 

It was dark,and I saw the window which I thought was just open but had the screen intact.

Then I saw some woman climb into the window as if nothing was there. It was a fake. At 1st, I thought it might be some1 I know,or at the very least, I pretended to know who she was. I started to half tease her and say, "hey, u can't come thru here." but she never heard nore looked at me. She just walked right past me as if I weren't there; as if I were a ghost or she was. She just went right past me and out the door I just came thru. Why didn't she just use the entrance like every1 else? y was she being so sneaky? That creeped me out. It creeped me out further that she didn't even notice me there. She wasn't ignoring me. I could tell. She actually walked right past me as if she was the only 1 in the room. It was like either I or she was a ghost.

I'm pretty sure this dream has everything to do w/ even tho I trust Rob, I still fear he's gonna "turn into" Gary at the same time. He LITERALLY did in my dream. wow! talk about weird. not too surprising,considering last night was when Rob told me he wants 2 be more than just friends w/me. awww! ^_^ lol

so now u know,and I am throughly FREAKED OUT now!

What a night! I so stupidly let some man con me out of $80 last night. To add to that, every time u called me, my phone would keep disconnecting. It was frustrating to both of us. especially to me because u kept thinking I was mad at u and hanging up on u. That isn't fair! I plugged my stupid phone into the car charger,but the damn things sucks,so my phone died AGAIN! I was already in tears and frustration w/myself over being stupid. I was so vulnerable and have BEEN vulnerable for the past 6/7/8 months now. I'm madly in love w/u,and I've been holding that in all this time because I'm SCARED! I'm scared of the stupidest shit like sex. This is what holds me back. This y I never told u I loved u even tho I could tell u feel the same,and then last night u told me u had feelings,so I was forced to admit that I have them too.

 Now I gatta confess very thing else and try not to hurl and choke when I do. Now I feel exposed. Every thing is out in the open. I have to tell u the truth about my fears. About my anxieties. Ever since my last boyfriend, I have been TERRIFIED of getting into another relationship. I was hurt AND humiliated at once. Can u imagine having to be TAUGHT how 2 french kiss? when ur 21?? can u imagine being a scared virgin at 26?? It sux,but it's what keeps me holding back.  u think I want nothing to do w/u and am playing mind games,but in reality I'm just scared. =( Can u imagine being shy...PAINFULLY shy,and u have to MAKE urself kiss some1 not because they repulse u? but because u r NERVOUS,but ur bf/gf thinks ur forcing urself to take a kiss u don't want? that sux! I don't wanna do that w/U. I get panicky and feel so uncomfortable in a relationship.

That's gonna frustrate u,and don't tell me it won't. because it WILL. Maybe not at 1st,but give it enough time,and u'll def be sick of me. We'll fight all the time...just like I did w/Gary. yeah, he was an asshole,but I was a coward. =( I actually shake almost as hard as u did w/ur symptoms. I was cold and shivering A LOT last night,and I don't think it was near AS cold in my room for as hard as I was shivering. ur supposed to feel relief when u get something off ur chest,but I only got more uptight when I told u. I felt like I was gonna hurl; like I was gonna pass out,or piss my pants. It's no fun being that way. I don't wanna drag u into that frustration. I'm frustrated enough w/myself. I would DIE if u got frustrated w/me too,but I don't know what to do. I love u so much and don't want to let u go,but I am just SO. SCARED! =(

why don't u believe me?

I've been through a lot w/u. I know this is UR battle,but ur not alone. I've been w/u every step of the way ever since u told me about this. I have been there for u in ur time of need. I may pick on u/tease u at times,but u know I've been there for u and am STILL here for u now. I know u've been doing some pretty less than impressive things w/ur life,but at least u r determined to quit,and I will encourage u thru every step of the way. I know I haven't exactly told u what u mean to me; how much I love you coz I'm afraid to speak those sacred words,but I have been SHOWING u what u mean to me. y do u still not believe me? ur always telling me how much u love spending time w/me,but u also think I don't feel the same about u but I do.

I know I don't sound very convincing when I tell u I care about u or how proud I am of u for what ur doing right now,but u gatta understand..I'm scared,so I hold back a lot. I feel like I'm gonna puke every time I play a scenario thru my head of how I'm gonna confess my feelings to u. There r times when I'm w/u in person and feel like telling u then,but then I get nauseated and feel like I'm gonna choke before the words can even get to my mouth. I've told u I'm skittish and pretty much suck at relationships. I don't know what to do. I'm head over heels in love w/u,but I'm just so damn SCARED at the same time so I hold back. I've been letting u see more and more of the real me lately; letting my feelings show a little more,but I'm still holding back and acting like things r just cool when in reality, I love u so much it hurts at times. If I wasn't so scared, u and me could be together. I think  u r my best friend and my soul mate. But everything to do w/relationships(well certain parts of it anyway) FREAK ME OUT! I know it's not normal,and I'm humiliated by it. So humiliated, I can't bring myself to tell u.

There is SO.MUCH to tell u,but I'm TERRIFIED to tell u,so I hide behind my jokes,and change the subject at times. At the same time, I keep holding my feelings back and never let u know that they're there. But I want u to know,they ARE indeed there. They do exist,and I know u don't think they do. It seems like u love me too,but I KNOW that once u figure out the other side of my issues(the side I haven't told u about),ur not gonna "love me" as much as u think u do. =,( I tell u a little bit each time we talk. If we keep this up long enough,maybe I'll finally spill the beans. I will finally tell u how much I love,and what I fear. Maybe then it'll all make sense to u. I hope.

can't get this out of my head

I'm prolly over thinking again,and I pray to God I am,but I'm worried. I recently discovered that Rob has been using drugs and using since he was 12,so this has been going on for  a long time. I know he's trying his damndest to stop,and he's having side effects from it. Last night, he kept sleeping thru most of my visit and shivering. He shivered on and off again. When he walked me out to my car last night, he was shivering VIOLENTLY! He really had me worried,and he told me text him when I got home like he always does. He wants to know I made it home safe,but he never replied back. I just texted him again this morning and still nothing. I know a lot of the time his phone doesn't get text messages or anything,but it's not like him to not to reply back to me after letting him know I made it home ok. and now my imagination is kicking in over big time,and I fear for him. I'm afraid I lost him,and I keep PRAYING I didn't; that he's ok,and now I can't stop crying. I keep telling myself I'm gonna see him at work today,and I hope I do. I should call him,but I can't yet. I don't want him 2 hear me crying or KNOW I'm crying. I'm so scared something happened to him,and I'm praying like crazy that this isn't actual gut feeling I'm having but a paranoid feeling I'm getting due to me always assuming the worst. =( He's the best thing to happen to me,and I don't wanna lose him.

my thoughts

I kinda think my coworker is a little stupid. She seems nice..just kinda stupid..or ignorant if u will.

there was an ep of 2 1/2 men on in the break room,and the 1 brother had a girl over. All she wanted 2 do was get laid,but he wanted 2 talk.and get 2 know her. The girl got annoyed by it,and my coworker agreed w/her. She just wants 2 go str8 2 fucking. >.< she actually said she HATES guys like that. what?? really?? so u LIKE 1 night stands? u LIKE being used goods? really? lol am I the only 1 who found what the man was doing IMPRESSIVE? I see that as showing a woman RESPECT! I told my coworker that I'm a little old-fashioned and prefer the talkers. I don't like the pressure. >.< I guess if u don't want a relationship and "love has nothing 2 do w/it", then yeah, that WOULD be annoying.

personally, I prefer a man who wants 2 sit there and talk 2 me; get 2 know me. I don't wanna be viewed as a scrap of meat. I like men who behave like gentleman; treat me like a lady instead of like the local slut,but I guess that's just me. lol I've been doing the very thing w/Rob that my coworker disses. Just going and hanging out w/him just 2 TALK and hang in general.

and I LIKE it that way thank u very much. =) LOL it strikes me as odd that some girls like 2 just be sluts and b treated as such. no respect. no long lasting relationship... just a 1 night stand. just some1 who is like a door knob; everybody has had a turn. LOL. I see a pattern. seems like every1 hooks up just 2 get laid,then they split their ways. some of them only after a pregnancy occurs. what is so BAD about a man showing u simple respect? I don't care how GOOD sex is. Respect is respect. I will no way in HELL EVER get mad at a guy for wanting 2 talk 2 me and get 2 know me BEFORE he bangs me. lol

in fact, I LIKE the ones who will take their time w/me. I appreciate that GREATLY! of course, I'm not a slut either. XD lol

Anywho..that's 1 of the BIGGEST reasons I love Rob so much..because he is that type of guy. He's not trying to get in my pants at all. He just likes spending time w/me,and he RESPECTS me. I LOVE that,and I APPRECIATE it, GREATLY! We were watching the movie, "there's something about mary", and the part of the movie where the old guy tells his "shack up" or whatever she is that he was only banging her 2 get 2 Mary. During that part Rob says, "asshole." OMG!! I love him so much!! ^_^ it's just a movie,but the fact he SAID that(and he didn't sound like he was joking at all; he sounded serious/didn't even laugh) impressed me further. I'm glad there's at least *1* guy on this planet who is a true ANGEL(at least for me, lol) and not the usual ASSHOLE that most men are. I love him so much more for that! ^_^

Also..it made my heart swell w/JOY/pride/happiness when he told me I make him feel better. awwww! ^_^ he tends 2 ignore every1 when he's in a rotten mood,but he said it wasn't right 2 ignore ppl who care about him/he cares about too...which was when he used me as an example of that and said I make him feel better. AWWWWWWWWWWW! ^__^ I think my heart melted and oozed everywhere last night wen he said that. I doubt he saw the sappy grin on my face since we were walking in the dark,but maaaaaaan was I cheesin. lol. That made me feel so WONDERFUL hearing that. I'm GLAD I can put a smile on the face of the very man who makes ME smile. ^_^

Reasons I hate being in love

Reasons I hate being in love:
I hate how uptight I feel.I hate how I can never relax.I always feel happy/giddy and then angry and eventually....depressed.I can't stand how I can NEVER get enough of him and how blue I feel when I don't get to see him for a few days.I despise how when he gets in 1 of his moods and won't talk to anybody, it breaks my heart ,and I feel like it's something personal against ME; like he's tired of me already.I hate how I can't focus on anything at school,or I isolate my family bcoz HE is all I can think about,and HE is the 1 I want to spend all my time with.I hate how the stronger my feelings for him get, the deeper into insanity I go.I hate how I am terrified of being in a relationship again and just want this to go away, yet it makes me even more miserable keeping my feelings to myself.I wish I had the courage to tell him the truth.I wish I had the backbone to confess my feelings to him..not just think it and bite my tongue-but I wish I could just come right out and say it.I'm tired of living in fear and agony,but I don't want to suffer the same consequences w/him as I have suffered w/another..yet my feelings have grown all too strong and are making me CRAZY!I fear for the state of my mental health from wanting him so bad yet being too afraid to do anything about it.I hate how I seem to only find happiness when I am w/him.I hate even more the tears I shed when I think he is done with me; when I think I am going to lose him,and he's not even my boyfriend/husband.I hate fearing the consequences which, in turn causes me to harbor these feelings, and fight so hard to keep them covered,yet suffering the agony of keeping them to myself at the same time.I hate how I can't get any relief.I just hate everything about being in love,and I wish I could avoid it-not just now-but FOREVER!

the ups and downs of emotional roller coaster rides

I finally decided to call him,but I was at school. I had had my sleep, had a chance to calm down and think things through. I was sitting in my car just before my next class started, thinking that I would call Rob and see what's up. I mean, I keep wanting to give up on him,but something is ALWAYS  insisting I, "try 1 more time." I couldn't call him yet and just in case he was at work, I was trying to decide on a good time of night to call him when..VIOLA! I get a text message from him. I hadn't heard from him in 4 days,but he finally texted me and told me he had some problems and wouldn't talk to ANY1. It's comforting to know I wasn't the only 1 he was ignoring. A lot of times, he DOES ignore me and me alone. He told me he would tell me what was going on if I went over to his house...that is if I wanted to, lol.

Of course I did. I went over and we talked and hung out as usual. Watched some funny shows and even 1 movie(malibu's most wanted) which was funny as hell. I had some kind of deep talks w/him,and his neighbors kept showing up at random times during my visit, talking his ear off, and hogging him from me.  >.<  lol. At 1 time, we took a walk,and he knew about me being upset on Wednesday. I'm still embarassed by that and really don't wanna fess up to it. He kept asking me what was wrong. I didn't wanna say. If I told him, I might have to confess my feelings too,and I'm TERRIFIED of doing that. Everything to do w/relationships(at least the way fucking society and damn near every1 my age out there deems of it) freaks me out. I feel pressured and stressed out. I always feel like running away; like I'm always on EDGE. Instead of being happy and in love, I just feel FRIGHTENED all the time which isn't healthy in the least. I think I have a chance w/Rob,but I don't wanna get panicky and fight w/him the way I did w/Gary. I'm "supposed to" have an ADULT relationship,but I'm scared to go that far w/any1,and I doubt ANY guy-INCLUDING Rob is gonna be THAT understanding. I love him so much,but I'm SCARED 2 do anything about it. I just don't wanna get humiliated and hurt all at the same time all over again. I don't wanna admit any of this to him. I'm glad he cares about me so much and wants me 2 trust him,but I keep trying to hold onto what pride I have left. I don't think I can handle him knowing the WHOLE truth about me.

The good thing tho, is when I had to leave for the night, he gave me a hug! ^_^ I really wanted to hug him,and I think he knew it. He wanted the same thing. lol. He said, "r u gonna hug me or not, or r u just gonna stand there teasing me?" AWWWW!!! The next day, on Friday..we were zoning aisles together and chatting just old times(just like how we got to know each other 2 begin w/. ^_^),and we started talking about how annoying management is. We can talk to any1 else in the store just fine,but we got in trouble for talking 2 EACH OTHER??? wtf? He had also said something about how that's especially true when 2 best friends r of the opposite sex. THAT'S what we were talking about,yet Rob said something 2 me about how I "stress alot" how we're FRIENDS, like I think he might be interested in me further than that. I told him I NEVER thought that of him,and no I didn't realize I say that a lot. I wonder what THAT means? y would he even THINK of something like that? much less, bring it up?