I had a HORRID week this week.

I feel bad. I fell head over heels in love again(w/a coworker too),and I'm paying the price for it as usual. I thought he was the 1,but all I get is excuses or nothing at all when we plan to hang out. He says he wants to hang out; LIKES hanging out w/me,but he sure has a funny way of showing it. I was so DEPRESSED yesterday, I didn't wanna go to work and when I did get to work,and I spent the whole day moping around. I was angry, then depressed,then angry,but mostly depressed. I finally ended up crying a few times and much to my horror, I was caught. My coworkers kept asking Ed if I was ok and when I took my break, I let down my hair, put my head down and sobbed for a while. Unfortunately, I got caught. Crying that is. 1 of my coworkers came up to me and started rubbing my back and asked me if I was ok. I didn't wanna talk,but she kept asking me what was wrong. I said I didn't wanna talk about it,and she finally left me alone. All of this because I'm not getting any responses from Rob. Ever. 4/5 days now,and nothing from him. Then I got home last,and messaged my best friend on facebook telling her what happened. She reminded that I had sworn off dating coworkers again(yeah, well I wasn't counting on falling in love w/1 again either.)and while she was talking 2 me and giving me reasons as to y I shouldn't date coworkers,she also reminded me that sometimes Rob doesn't get my texts and told me if I really wanna stay friends or anything w/him, I need ot just call him,or stop by his house.

I think I'll do that. I don't know Y I didn't do that in the 1st place. Especially on Sunday when we were supposed to hang out. I spend most of my time texting him because usually I'm at work,and it's easier to sneak texting than it is to actually get on the ph but when I got off work, y DIDN'T I call him? I was so busy getting upset over that, I never DID call him. Maybe I shouldn't give up JUST yet. I think later on when I get out of school(assuming he's not working),I'll give him a call like I should  have done from the beginning. Even last time when he had fallen asleep, I did wake him up by calling him. I should do that. I don't know Y I didn't do that before instead of getting upset. I KNEW I had been over thinking this somehow, which is y I didn't wanna tell any1 what was wrong w/me yesterday. Even Ed gave me his ph # and email and told me I can call or email him anytime I feel the need 2 talk. I told him it was stupid what I'm upset over and that I'm prolly over thinking things. I get like that when I'm in love. 1 of the billions of reasons I hate falling in love. It took my best friend talking to me; telling me I should call or drop by his house...or just let him go, for me to think clearer. She's RIGHT! I HAVEN'T called him,and I prolly should. I've heard rumors that he either got fired,or just got pissed off at some1 and walked out. He may not be going back 2 work. I wanna talk 2 him,and find out what happened. Now that I've had time to get over most of my hurt feelings, I will try 1 more time to reach out to him but if he still ignores me and wants nothing 2 do w/me, THEN I will give up. I can't give up on him JUST yet. I gatta try 1 more time...this time by a PHONE CALL.

I don't think u realize it

I don't think u realize it,but I miss u. I miss u all the time. Even tho I only go DAYS w/o seeing u, it feels like weeks,months, or even years. I miss u a lot.  I don't think u realize it, but I love u so much. I know I should tell u, but I'm just so scared. I've been hurt too often. Every time I get into a relationship, I end up feeling nothing but stress and anxiety, so I'm sorry if I can't admit to ur face how much I love u, and choose to blog about it instead.  I don't think u realize it, but I love talking to u. Sometimes irritating things like my ph will die right before u text me,so u end up thinking I want nothing to do w/u when u text me,but it isn't true at all.
I don't think u realize how much I ENJOY being around u, or how much u make me happy. I don't think u realize how much u mean to me. U seem to worry so much about what I think of u. U seem to think I'm not all impressed by u when in fact, the opposite is true.
 I couldn't be any MORE impressed by u. U've already won me over time after time again.
ur different from other guys,and for that I thank you. ur a WONDERFUL guy,and I wish I had the guts to tell you,and stop holding back so much, so you'd KNOW how much u mean to me. I wish u could see urself thru my eyes. Then u wouldn't have to question where u stand w/me. ^_^

I got asked out by my sweetie. happiness! ^_^

I literally had my 1st date w/him. it was AMAZING!! it  was a short night for us together,but it was amazing. I already got to work w/him all day and then,he actually walked me out to my car when I got off work tonight. It was awesome. ^_^ Plus..shortly after getting home, I got a text from him asking if I wanted to go out to eat w/him. of COURSE!!! YAY! ^_^ I felt like an idiot coz I had such a hard time finding him. I had to have my mom drive to his place and have me follow her,so I could find my way there. My gps SUCKS and wouldn't tell me how to get to his place,so my mom still had to navigate me there. =(. On the plus side, we went out to eat a Perkins NOT wendy's. lol. He's def a far better date than Gary. He listens to me,admits when he's wrong and apologizes, and def doesn't stand me up on dates. altho..technically he couldn't coz I'M the 1 w/a car now buahahaha. He even complimented me on my SHOES. Since when does a guy notice ur SHOES or anything? Especially a STRAIGHT man. It's cool tho. He's so sweet. He never made me feel pressured or uncomfortable at all. He had us go to a nice restaraunt instead of fast food(like Gary did.) He has to pay more money in child support. Gary doesn't have children TO pay child support on,yet he was a cheap date,and Rob isn't. =) I think I have a real winner here. He kept apologizing for living in such a shitty place. hey, if u need a place to live that's CHEAP, what choice do u have? He seems so concerned about what I think of him. I think he's AMAZING! he doesn't have to worry about impressing me,he already has. I don't wanna tell him that either because I don't want him to stop. I like that he's this way.

It is weird tho how earlier today at work,1 of my coworkers suddenly asks me, "y don't u go out w/Rob?" I didn't wanna answer him,so he says, "don't u think he's cute?" that was funny. he made it sound as if he finds him attractive and wanted to know if I agreed, LOL!  It freaked me out at 1st coz I thought he might have caught on and KNEW I liked Rob,but then he started teasing me about some other guy too. whew! I think I dodged the bullet there,but man did it make me shake. and then Rob asking me out tonight made me so nervous. I swear I stuck my foot in my mouth more than usual. lol. I had just unlocked my car and still managed to lose my keys the next second. Rob found them for me. I kept saying some weird things and felt like I was being rude or whatever on a date. Rob didn't seem to think so tho coz he wants to hang w/me again. ^_^ He never made me feel pressured. I thought he was gonna want a hug or kiss goodnight and even tho I kinda wanted that too,I'm glad he didn't. It means he's taking things very slow w/me. thank god. I remember when my mom set me up w/that loser, Allan,and he tried to KISS me on the 1st DAY we hung out. I had literally just met this guy,and here's Rob who I've known for MONTHS,and he didn't do that. He's so sweet. ^_^ I can't wait to hang w/him again. He's incredible! ^_^  My dad even asked me if he behaved himself. of course he did. He's a sweet heart and a gentleman. ^_^ I had a great time tonight,and I can't wait to hang w/him again. =) ^_^

Getting My Ideas Down

My script is about a news reporter who is the biggest DING BAT on the air,and the poor camera man who works with her is painfully aware of it. She makes constant errors in her report including the location she is in. She really thinks she is in Missouri when in fact,she couldn't be any more far off. She is actually in Florida. The camera man is getting to annoyed with her because he's afraid his ass will be in just as much hot water as her's when the ratings go down because people want the NEWS, not a "comedy routine".

I had an awesome day yesterday. =)

Rob continues to AMAZE me as usual. =)  The most recent mind-boggling thing I have found out about him is he's trying to quit smoking. AWESOME! YES! I was really concerned about that! I'm in love w/u, dude. I want u to be in my life for a VERY long time. That also means I want u to live much longer. I'm happy that he's trying to quit. Also, I briefly told him about my moron ex who smoked dope,and it showed. haha, Rob told me he doesn't do that. He said it was something he COULDN'T do. YAY!! I'm impressed!! ^_^ =D I swear we never run out of things to talk about-rather we're picking on each other or bitching, I just can't get enough of him. He's my world. =) I found that despite the fact he wasn't in maintenance w/me, I actually got to see him quite a bit. I got to talk him more than I thought I would,and I'm so damned HAPPY that horse's ass Dave wasn't there yesterday coz I'm SURE he would've been ratting us out again for talking to each other.
Hey! I'm in LOVE w/this man-get used to the fact I am going to talk to him,that I LOVE talking him; can't get enough of him so just stfu! That asshole is NOT gonna separate me from my love just because he wants to be petty and childish. Speaking of which, me n Rob made fun of him yesterday. That was a hoot. Plus when we went to break together, Charity went around the same time. uh-oh! She saw us together the whole time,so naturally she gets me alone and asks me if I ever told him. I cant. =( I told her I can't be in relationships. She gets so AGGRAVATED w/me because I don't tell him the truth,but I'm scared. I've always regretted these things before. She can't stand it. She insists we're cute together,and I need to tell him how I feel. I'm working on it. I do wanna tell him. I just don't know how to do it w/springing it on him or myself for that matter. Just as easily as I could freak him out, I freak myself out even worse. I'm afraid of an uncomfortable w/things I shouldn't be,and it's these fears that keep me from giving it a another chance. I'm scared of the REQUIREMENTS to getting into a relationship,yet my love for him is overwhelmingly STRONG.  I'm suffering no matter what in this case.

Also, he worked in freezer cooler yesterday,and he bitched about it the whole time. He made it funny tho. He kept coming up to me at random times to tell me he hated working over there...he even texted me once to say the same thing. He doesn't usually text me when we're both at work. He's a trip. LOL! I like how he suddenly came from around the corner to find me and said, "by the way, did I tell u yet that I hate working over here?" omg! that boy aint right! LMAO!! I love him! ^_^

What do you see in him?

"What do you see in him?"

A question I am sometimes asked. I will tell you what it is I see in him.
I see a gentleman who is old-fashioned and moral.
I see a sweet man who listens to me and cares what I think.
I see a mature man who will admit when he's wrong and apologize for it...and MEAN it.
I see a man who makes me laugh.
I see man who has my back.
I see a man who can be reasoned with;  he talks to me instead of flat-out ignoring or arguing w/me.
I see a man who has become my best friend.
I see a beautiful world through, what used to be, negative eyes.
I see a man who seems to like me for who I am and doesn't try to change me.
I see a man with potential.
I see a man who has a few bad habits that he's trying to break.
I see my soul mate. 
I see a man with INTELLIGENCE, for once.
I see a man I don't ever want to be apart from.
I see a man with most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen,and the softest looking dark brown hair I want to touch.
He is stunning.
He is handsome.
He is every inch a gentleman.
He is what I've been looking for in a man and didn't think existed.
I see a man who has a lot of the same issues and insecurities as I myself have suffered.
I see a man who just GETS me.
I see man who I have so much in common with,yet he has enough differences to remain interesting.
I'm not sure I have been able to do him justice in this corny poem I'm typing, so I will conclude it with this:
I see the love of my life- 
revealed to me at last.

stress is maddeing

this stress is so maddening.
she used to be so happy.
she had a job again.
a decent job with decent pay.
she was in love with a wonderful guy.
she was in school going after her dream job.
she was finally getting things done; taking care of things.
she was feeling better in general about everything.
but not anymore.
one asshole managed to ruin so much for her.
he started off getting her in trouble for talking to her one true love,but that wasn't enough.
he then started in again with the foul lies.
the lies and deceit.
anything to get her job even if it meant causing her to lose hers.
it's not enough to separate her from the man she loves.
no.
now he must separate her from her job too.
all with his constant lies.
the lies and deceit he always spreads.
anything to get her job.
now she is always angry.
always sad.
always stressed out.
she no longer takes pleasure even in working with the 2 coworkers who have never done her wrong.
even when one of them is the man she loves; the 1 who has had her back since day 1.
she has to watch her own shadow everywhere she goes-
for fear she is being watched.
waiting for the ax to fall.
waiting for the moment she finally loses her job over anything little.
she fears she will lose both her job and her one way of seeing her one true love.
all because this asshole just does NOT know when to quit.
will he never leave her alone?
will she ever get any peace?
she longs for the day she graduates with her degree; gets her dream job.
anything to get out of this damn job.
she used to look forward to going to her job.
but not anymore.
she is just done.
she is fed up.
she wants to wash her hands of the bullshit,and move on.
just like she has done so many times in the past from similar situations.

this is my "on the plus side" blog, lol

I've been enjoying school much more since I changed my degree over to film. My 1st class of the day "intro to film and television" is kinda fun. We made our 1st film w/ groups prolly a few weeks ago,and it was some sort of "treasure hunt" story we had to create. That had been the 1 I and I alone was acting in. That 1 wasn't NEAR as cool as the 1 we did this week! This 1 was called, "The Chase",and we had to make a story line having to do w/some1 being chased/stalked. My group decided on having the chaser wear a big trench coat,and go stalk a jogger. The beginning wasn't as fun,but finishing it up today WAS. We made it where the guy being stalked is being paranoid; it's all in his head. He keeps being followed everywhere by this "stalker" and in the end, it's revealed that HE is the "stalker." It was so cool! We even have shots of him getting on the elevator,and he turns and sees the stalker is on the elevator too. I really loved when he ended in the bathroom in the last scene,looks in the mirror and the 1st time,sees himself as he is. Then he looks down,looks back up and sees himself wearing the trench coat. I can't wait till we get to edit and watch it. I think we do that on Thursday. Oh my god, it was so cool! We even have a scene where our guy takes a certain path,and his "stalker" is standing in his way,so he put his hand on him to get his attention,then he just stands there w/his hand kinda hanging in mid-air,our guy playing the "stalker" slides out of view while we have the camera stopped,so we can start it again,and show our "jogger" standing w/his hand just hanging there to make it look as if the "stalker" disappeared into thin air when the "jogger" tried to touch him. It was def A LOT cooler TODAY,than how we did this last week.  It was so much fun! ^_^ AHHHHH! I love this class!! ^_^

I can't believe I no longer like going to work

I was pretty content w/this job for a while. I thought, "finally! I found a job again,and it pays so well for retail, plus the ppl here seem to be waaaay better than the kind I'm used to dealing w/." It did go smoothly for a while. I don't get many rude customers hardly at all,and my coworkers(I THOUGHT) were less dramatic than the ones u get working at Walmart. WRONG! Some of them are A LOT worse!! even in WALMART,the few ppl who ran their mouths eventually got bored of it and stopped. Not in Sam's. I have this 1 coworker who is the BIGGEST pain in the ass. Ever since he started w/us, it's "u don't have to tell me, I know. I've done everything. I've worked everywhere in the store. I know it all. blah blah blah." Then he went to LYING about getting things done,and then I get MY ass chewed out because it wasn't done,yet this asshole says he did it,so I always had to go behind him to make sure he did what he SAYS he did.  If that wasn't bad enough,he decided to rat me and Rob out for talking to each other; trying to claim we socialize too much and don't get anything done. He just COULDN'T. STOP. THERE! This asshole has SINCE then been running his mouth about me(sometimes about Rob too),but mostly ME! He continues to run to managers or COSs,and run his fucking mouth...and LIE! This weekend was HELL because of the superbowl, and Sundays are ALWAYS hell for me since I am ALWAYS the ONLY closer on that day. But YESTERDAY was the 1st day I kept getting my shit jumped from practically everybody,and the only difference is who I worked w/.  All the other Sundays I worked, ROB was the opener. THIS Sunday, shit face was the opener,and this was the Sunday I get in bitched at for EVERYTHING by damn near EVERY BODY! >.<

I can't fucken stand him! This IDIOT is not SMART enough nore RESPSONSIBLE enough to know when to take his damn breaks. Apparently, I'M not allowed to go to break unless I check w/HIM 1st. man, FUCK U! The only thing I was told to do was page that I am heading to break when I go. Since the FUCK when am I supposed to check in w/the baby,and make sure he got his widdle break before I take mine? What is he? A baby? When did I suddenly become his MOTHER? "oh sweet heart,did u get ur break? did u get something to eat? did u wash ur hands? did u wipe ur ass?" WTF? Since when are HIS breaks MY responsibility? On top of that this FUCKER lies AGAIN, and told Ed yesterday that I was late coming to work yesterday. I was supposed to be there at 10,and I was there at 10. But this faggot says I didn't get there until 11 and then took my break at noon. He's such an IDIOT! I'm getting damn sick and tired of this asshole bitching about me to every1 else. if u have an issue w/me,TAKE IT UP W/ME!! don't act all nice to my face,and then bitch to some1 else behind my back. FIGHT UR OWN FUCKING BATTLES, COWARD! >=0 He also claims that I "delibrately" keep my walkie low,so I won't have to answer any1. Man, FUCK U!!!! I didn't hear EVERY LITTLE THING MAYBE because it's SUNDAY-SUPER BOWL SUNDAY at that!! I had my walkie at FULL BLAST and STILL couldn't HEAR because it was so LOUD in the store!! And FYI, what FEW times that piece of shit called me,I actually HEARD and RESPONDED to his ass,so he needs to STFU!!!

Anyway, aside from that, I had a manager come tell me that the COS claims she told me several times to clean the cafe. uhh,she NEVER said that,but I go over there and sweep up/get trash anyway W/O being told to. I don't like things up pile up on me,so I did that all day! Not only that this stupid girl who work the meat dept. had  the NERVE to jump MY shit! She never really talks to me all that much. The only time before this that she ACTUALLY spoke to me was to ask me if Rob was still there and if I would tell him she wanted to talk to him when he got back form lunch. This time however, she walks up to me tossing trash to ask if I have a walkie and as soon as I said yes,she starts bitching me out about supposably she kept calling for maintenance an hr. ago,and she had to clean some mess up herself. Awww,poor BABY!! I didn't hear her call. Like I said, it was LOUD in the store all day. I had a hard time hearing the walkie EVEN w/it turned all the way up.

Haha, the irony of this is she's the same girl Rob talks to,and I felt bad for feeling jealous 1 time when they were talking,and I wanted to gouge her eyes out. I don't feel guitly anymore after that shit. Feeling guilty and stupid for being jealous over a guy IS kinda retarded,but when they bitch acts like a bitch towards u, it's fair game! I think if she asks me about Rob again, I am either gonna ignore her,or tell her, "ask him urself." and walk off! Bitch! I know Rob's friends w/her and all,but she is officially on my shit list. I've said before that she has never done anything to me,I was only feeling jealous that she was taking Rob's time from me, but she was an uber bitch to me this time,so FUCK IT! It's WAR! Stupid bitch wants to nag ME about a mess she had to clean up herself?? What about all the trash HER dept. leaves on the floor all the fucking time??

They NEVER throw it out! I always have to pick it up JUST so I can get to the dumpster opening! I should start bitching about that! It HAS been pissing me off! I'll cut the guys some slack coz they've always been nice to me,but when it's HER I'm gonna rip her a new asshole like she did to me. Fuck u, Bitch. I used to enjoy going to work in that place. Not anymore. I can't wait to finish my degree now, and get my career,so I can get the hell out of there and away from all the backstabbers and their drama. Sorry Rob, I love u,but I hate ur friend. That bitch is gonna get bitch slapped if she gets up in my face like that again. I don't CARE HOW stressed out u r, I was stressed out too,and u didn't see ME jumping any1's shit. I think I will start tho,and see how U like it. BACK OFF! It's stressful ENOUGH being accused of shit I didn't do,and being jumped by ppl. I didn't need HER adding HER bullshit too. >.<

I think I will start looking for another job(maybe Costco). As much as I enjoy working w/ Ed and Rob, I'm already sick of every1's shit. I've had plans for a long time now to hang out w/Rob away from work. Work sucks anyway. If I want UN-interrupted time w/him,then we need to see each other away from work anyway. As for Sherry and Ted, I plan to buy my gps in the next couple of days anyway, I will be asking for their address and coming by whenever I can. I'll visit the ppl who actually MATTER to me; who actually NOTICE and appreciate the hard work I do. Fuck ppl,and their mother fucking drama! >.< I will def miss working w/Rob. I'd rather see him outside of work anyway. Like I'd ever let quitting that job seperate me from the love of my life. Hell no! I will find a way to still see HIM. I promise u that. LOL

this is so amazing,I just had to blog about it. ^_^

What a DAY! this stupid super bowl weekend has made Saturday at work even MORE hell than the usual. I got to work w/my sweetie but they had him out getting carts ALL DAY instead of inside w/ME.  >.< I hated that! when I saw him go to break,come back inside,then go back out, I thought he left. He's left early before,but usually the managers will tell me he left or something. They never did but when I didn't see him for HOURS on end,I thought he had. I started to get really moody thinking I was left alone to do everything myself PLUS I didn't get to talk to him ALL. DAY! I finally saw him outside getting carts when I went outside to get the trash that was out there. How annoying! anywho...Sherry told me something WAY COOL that she never told me before. She had a conversation w/Rob waaaay back when he was mad at me for something he THOUGHT I said or did. I had been mad too bcoz I REALLY needed to talk to him and get this straightened out,but we were BOTH called away  AND it was a BUSY day then,so I had too much time to stew over the problem and get pissed coz I couldn't talk to him and sort the problem out.

That had been when Sherry talked to him FOR me since I (literally) couldn't. She never told me then but she told me TODAY that Rob had told her he thought I was upset,and she said he didn't think I liked him at all or something. She had told him "that's not true. if anything,she likes u." but she meant it casually as in I def don't DIS-like him,but he took it the way we ALL do: when u say he/she likes u..it means that person is crushing/sweet on the other person. I explained to her that in my generation,that's what it means, lol. And sure enough, she told me he said, "she does?? =0" I was like, "awwww!" really? ^_^ I half panicked when she told me this coz I'm STILL not ready for him to know,and I don't know if I'll EVER be ready. =( She had actually asked me if he knows I like him. I honestly don't know. Just because it APPEARS he doesn't know,doesn't mean he doesn't know. lol. I've had crushes in the distant past who KNEW I liked him but pretended not to. For all I know, Rob knows and pretends not to..or at the very least, he could SUSPECT it but not know for sure. Or he might truly be totally oblivious! I don't know for sure,and I don't wanna ask him or have any1 else ask him,coz just asking the question itself is a dead give away. If he doesn't know now, he'll def know if I or any1 else asks him. lol! I just thought that was so CUTE to hear! It sounds like he may feel the same way. How adorable! ^_^

I was also happy because when he came back in HOURS later from getting carts all day, I made the mistake of telling him I was asked if I was the only 1 in maintenance and told them the last time I saw him he was out getting carts. As usual,he takes everything PERSONAL. He got pissed off and started bitching about how they think he doesn't do anything all day. What I'm happy about is I think I managed to "defuse" so to speak. I helped him out as much as I could. I made sure to get all the trash around the store inside and out/registers etc. since I knew he was closing tonight and outside all day. Plus, I've already had a manager tell me they hold the CLOSING person accountable for the trash outside being picked up. Rob decided he was gonna clean the bathrooms too,but I decided to clean the women's room for him too,so he wouldn't have to try and get in there,and it was 1 more thing he didn't have to do at all. I pointed this out to him too. I told him I got everything, the trash even the bathroom coz I was trying to take a huge load off him,and I swear he calmed down so much and thanked me for it. Totally made my heart swell up big time. I love him so much. ^_^
It was such a HECTIC day,but I managed to get soooo much done for him,so he wouldn't be over-whelmed tonight,and I think he appreciated it. Awww! ^_^ I keep trying to prove to him that I'm a way better person than he sometimes gives me credit for. I hope he realizes that. =)

Lastly, I finally got the guts up(altho it still took me so long to ask) to ask him if he wanted me to take him home tonight,so he could show me where he lives. He agreed w/it,but then he texted me long after I was home and said he had to leave w/his dad instead of to help him or something. Damn! I almost had my chance to hang out w/him-JUST the 2 of us-AWAY from work. So close,yet so far. =(