A very heartfelt/touching kind of story

I usually only HEAR about other people's heart-felt type stories,but I never thought I'd have my own to tell. These past months..or year or...however far back everything tied to it counts or something, has been very emotional and a big challenge. I met and fell in love w/my best friend from work and so much has happened since then. The beginning of the challenges I guess I could say started before we even started dating. He got to where he would think I said or did something horrible to him and tell me to never talk to him again. I would get upset,fearful of losing my best friend and the love of my life over something I didn't do. In the past,when shit like this happened, I would just give up and walk away before taking on any more hurt but for some reason, I could NOT give up on this 1. I am the QUEEN of giving up usually,but I couldn't give up on HIM. I've wanted to give up and walk away SO many times because I got tired of always having to explain myself to him when I didn't need to. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and KNEW he was making it all up in his head. It was stressing me out-STILL stresses me out NOW,but I had this voice in my head ALWAYS telling me, "don't give up on him. don't give up on this 1. keep trying. talk to him." so I would keep talking to him and keep thinking he was going to ignore me,but he would actually talk. We were always able to work through the issues and our friendship was saved.

This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work.  I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.

I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma  good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.

I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested.  We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!

where is the man I fell in love with?

Where is the man who I could talk to about anything and have, talked to about everything?
Where is the man who I couldn't get enough of?
Where is the man who was caring and understanding about my feelings and apologized when he was wrong?
Where is the man who LISTENED to me instead of calling me a liar and never trusting me?
Where is the man who defended me from those who hurt me instead of BEING the 1 who hurts me?
Where is the man who actually CARES?
Where is the man who wanted to kick the ass of another man who he thought caused my tears before he knew it was him?
Where is the man who brought a smile and tears of laughter instead of tears of sorrow to my eyes?
Where is the man who had so much potential?
Where is the man I fell in love with?
Whatever happened to him?
I miss him dearly.
He was replaced by this bitter,paranoid, monster who LOOKS like him but can't be him.
What has this monster done with my 1 true love?
Where is he?
 Please bring him back?
I miss him so terribly.
It hurts so bad.

I knew I wasn't meant for relationships

this happens every time doesn't it? I fall in love and pay the price for it,and it's a HEAVY price!
all good guys eventually turn sour don't they? it doesn't last! ever! no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough for u. u act like u can't stand seeing me upset and beg me to come over or call u then "apologize",but then u turn right back around and hurt me again. fuck it! fuck u. and fuck love! I'm DONE! do u understand? DONE! love SUCKS! there is no such thing as "true love." our relationship is always on the rocks because u won't trust me; u won't listen to me when I tell u how it is. how come when we were friends u would listen to me? u would be understanding and sweet,but as a couple u started trusting me less and treating me more like shit? maybe this was a bad idea-we shoulda just stayed friends,but I guess that was impossible considering we both had such strong feelings for each other. there is def no winning and NO peace when u fall in love. ur doomed to become mental,emotional,depressed,bawl ur eyes out,stress out, etc. when u fall in love. y couldn't we just be friends? y did we have to fall in love w/each other and complicate EVERYTHING??!! I wanna stop crying all the time. I wanna stop stressing over rather we will stay together or not. I know ur supposed to fight SOMETIMES in a relationship but not as much as we have. we fight ALL the time it seems. we're hanging on by a thread. and even tho I'm stressed out and getting hurt so much, I still keep fighting-trying to save US because I love u so much, I don't want 2 lose u. I've been feeling this way since before u were even mine and now that u R mine, I'm even more determined through sweat and tears or whatever else 2 keep u. I LOVE u. PLEASE work w/me,and don't leave me?? I wouldn't cry and bitch u out if I didn't care. I wouldn't get upset AT ALL. I'd just shrug my shoulders and walk away. I wish I could do that,but u have my heart,and u have it clenched w/an iron fist that I just can't get thru. Please just TRUST me,and stick by my side. I may be awkward and shy..and terrible at kissing and just plain sucky w/relationships,but I promise u I'll love u more than any other girl ever has or will. I will be so much better 2 u than ur past girlfriends-and I HAVE. I've been hurt too,and u helped heal that. it makes me depressed that I can't do the same for u.

sooo glad for the summer. =)

I'm FINALLY out of school after tomorrow, so I'll FINALLY have all the time in the world 2 spend w/my AMAZING bf. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =) ^_^ my honey's finally back home, and I LOVE how his dad rides his ass and basically tells him all the same shit I try to tell HIM. STAY CLEAN!! I hope he STICKS 2 it this time! please? I don't wanna lose u . =( We spent the majority of the day at the beach together, yesterday. I LOVED that day! we had sooo much fun(altho I pulled muscles when I swam =( ). he told me the same thing I heard from on my moron ex(,but it means more coming from HIM)- that I'm the ONLY girlfriend his dad has ever actually liked. My heart MELTED when he said his dad told him 2 stay clean for me. like, "if u really love this girl, u need to stay clean for her coz she's not gonna put up w/u doing this forever." or something like that,and i was like, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" ^_^ how sweet! I reminded him he needed to do so for his kids too. He can't be w/me-OR his kids if he's dead.  =( he kept saying he would do whatever it takes 2 be w/me. awww! he keeps reminding me of how I fell in love w/him in the 1st place. I love his sweetness! this man is gonna make me a diabetic u watch. lol ohhh he even wants me 2 meet his family! yay! ^_^ I kinda know his dad,but his other family is in another state. He went from saying his mom and sisters r cool and saying I would like his sisters, to saying he's gonna try to get a hold of his 2 boys for the summer and have them stay w/him,and he asked me if I would wanna meet them. YEAH! I don't think I ever wanna meet his ex tho,but I would LOVE 2 meet his kids,his mom,and his sisters...who ever else he an think of. he even said his dad wants to have a bbq sometime and have me over. HELL YEAH! all that sounds AMAZING! I will soooo do that! yay! ^_^ we even talked about going 2 visit his mom and sisters if we could. either taking a road trip or flying. something. I wanna do ALL these things w/him. YES YES YES a MILLION x's OVER YES!!! ^_^