stuff

since I can't focus, I thought I'd blog a little and see if I can get my typing going.  1st of all, I had some REALLY strange and RANDOM dreams all DAY today up until I had 2 get up for work. The most recent dream I remember having was something about driving in my CAR but w/my family. My dad was driving(as usual),and we were driving on wet roads(I think we were up in the mountains. I live in FLORIDA. there r NO mountains. lol) w/like 3 lanes of traffic but not alot of cars. I remember we actually got BLINDED by another driver's TAIL lights. the driver was a cop,and we were happy when he took off faster down the road away from us. I remember asking, "was that his TAILLIGHTS?" or something and my dad was like, "yep. we got blinded by the cop's tail lights." how do u get blinded by TAIL lights? the dream kinda skips around,and it's just me and my mom trying to find a warm place to sleep for the night and for some reason, we suddenly don't have the car anymore nore my dad. I remember finding some "house" but like ONLY the bathroom was there? I must have somehow missed the home ITSELF...AND the place which I walked thru to GET 2 the bathroom,and I didn't seen an actual CANDLE,but I think the only light there was candle light. like some 19th century crap,but the bathroom was modern.

Anyway, there was a dream I had BEFORE that, that I had forgotten about till something made me think of Gary(my dumb ass ex). In my dream,my job didn't look anything AT ALL like it is( as usual it never does in my dreams). I was kinda more..outside..there was slider doors...I can't remember enough details to make any sense here. I remember somebody mentioned Gary 2 me in the dream, and I curled my lip saying, "oh yeah. I heard that dumb ass works here now." or something. Rob was on break at the time,but I remember wondering how he would react to Gary. Just then, I saw Gary walk up to me. He had spotted me and had this stupid grin on his face as if he thought he got me good or something; as if to say, "HA! and u thought u got away from me. no such luck. =) =D"  he didn't say that tho. I can't remember now WHAT he said to,but he would NOT stop TALKING 2 me. His voice sounded VERY different in the dream too. He didn't have that way- too- laid -back-it's -obvious -I- do- drugs sound to his voice like he used to. He sounded far more "intelligent". At least his VOICE did. He still said stupid THINGS. I can't remember at all WHAT he said,but I do remember thinking, "he's still stupid" when he said shit. I remember finding him annoying and wishing he would go away. I can't recall if I told him I have a new bf now and very HAPPY w/him. Rob DID eventually get back from his break...question is..was Gary still annoying me,or had he walked away by then? I do remember bitching 2 Rob how my asshole ex now works w/us while adding, "I do remember somebody telling me he now works at Sam's Club(which is where I work)". This had got to be at least the 2nd dream I've had where both my ex bf AND my CURRENT bf r both w/me in the same place; at the same time. Wow! =0

my attempts at another diary entry

I saw this movie called, "bulworth",and it is HILARIOUS!  I think it's prolly an old movie..well old enough that it is pointed out to me once again how deprived I am of seeing moves coz I had not only not seen it,but I hadn't heard of it before either. The whole thing is about a senator who is so depressed and miserable that he hires some1 to set up his own assassination because he thinks it's the only way out of what he has to do. Later on tho, he starts to perk up more. He starts eating again and even hangs out w/ppl from the hood, getting high,and eventually acting like a gangsta,and it is HILARIOUS seeing an old white guy try to act like a young black thug...or more appropriately, gangsta! Also, his speeches he starts to give...r a RIOT! I wish politicians would tells u shit like that FOR REAL because it's the TRUTH! Finally! we have a politician who is telling us the truth! There was something else I couldn't help noticing..the wife looked sooo familliar,and it took me most of the movie to finally figure out where I had seen her before. She's the same actress who plays Leonard's mom on "the big bang theory." Not that this has anything to do w/the movie,but at least now I know y she looked so damn familliar.  I like how he not only started rapping at random times everything he wanted to say,but he also started to dress like a gangsta too. It's hilarious! He's at least in his 60's, AND he's a white guy; a respectable SENATOR at that-some1 who is used to the "finer " things in life,and he's now hanging in the projects,and acting like he's black. it's toooooooooooooo funny! =D I TOTALLY love this movie. =) ^_^

I need 2 write!

I know u don't believe me,but I love u. I love u more than u'll ever know...
or in this case-
believe.
I've never been this stubborn with any other guy before like I am with you.
You sometimes stress me out.
Make me cry.
 make me mad.
But I still stick by ur side.
Even when u slipped back into drugs after getting better in rehab,I was pissed off,
but I still stuck around.
You fight with me A LOT coz u get so damned paranoid and don't trust me; don't believe what I tell u.
Still...I stick by ur side. because I LOVE you.
I don't know how to make it any more clear to u that u mean the world to me.
u have tried to get me to break up w/u soooo many times,and I just don't want to.
WHY r u still not convinced I love you??
I don't get it!
will u ever trust me?
u say I make u happy
u say I'm the best thing that ever happened to u
so y do u act like all I do is treat u bad?
I've never once done that to
it's all in ur head, babe
I think we r great together; u just have to TRUST me
PLEASE?

I hate having mixed feelings. =(

It makes me so mad how Rob asks me to come over and hang out,and sometimes he's hanging w/his damn neighbor. Like, y did u bother asking me to come hang out when ur already hanging out w/some1? u KNOW I don't feel comfortable going over there. All u guys do is listen to heavy metal(LOUDLY I might add),have the tv on, talk to each other(I don't talk much coz I just don't fit in w/the crap u guys call "living life". sorry, I don't.),and fucking smoke and drink. I love hanging w/my boyfriend but ONLY w/my boyfriend.  NOT my boyfriend AND HIS NEIGHBOR! >.< It pisses me off! u go thru fucking rehab a million xs, still get back into the drugs while promising me u won't anymore. At the same time ur hanging W/ ppl r going to drag u right back into what u CLAIM u want nothing more to do w/. Also, every time I'm over there, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE! They walk away in the damned kitchen to fucking smoke their shit(and I'm not convinced they're JUST smoking CIGARETTES),and I know they do it so as not to do it front of me and for no other reason. I feel NEGLECTED when I'm over there!! Plus, it pisses me the FUCK OFF that his fucking drug addict friends won't STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM when I'm trying to spend time w/him!! HE'S MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND! DID HE TELL U ASSHOLES HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW??!! do u think maybe we can spend some damned time together???!! I do NOT go to his place to watch him smoke and drink himself to death w/his fucking neighbor! I go there to spend time w/HIM! US! ME AND HIM! THAT'S IT!!! a relationship involves *2* PEOPLE! NOT 3! NOT 5 OR 6 OR 10 OR WHATEVER!! 2!!! I hate having to COMPETE for my boyfriend's attention! It pisses me off! and he wonders y I don't wanna go to his neighbor's place! >.< coz I'm tired of feeling NEGLECTED that's y! I'm tired of sitting there in the living room twittling my thumbs while they go fucking do drugs or something in the kitchen! and u can't tell me ur not doing drugs! if ALL u were doing was smoking CIGARETTES, u wouldn't need to be sneaky about it. As if I don't know. >.< FUCK! really??? I'm so sick of that. >.<

 What really made my blood boil was when I thought he was finally in for the night! We had gotten ready for bed and everything,and his asshole neighbor calls him up AGAIN begging him to come back over when WE HAD JUST GOT IN BED!! >.<  FUCK U! U LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HIM! U SEE HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'M THE GIRLFRIEND! WHILE I AM HERE, HE IS MINE! GOT IT??!! >.< Rob couldn't figure out y I was so pissed off last night. COZ I WANT U AND ME TIME, THAT'S Y! AND I'M NOT GETTING IT! ur damned neighbor and ur damned other drug addict "friends" won't stop fucking calling u every few min. I can't get ANY alone time w/u or much of it! THAT'S Y!!! I dunno what to do. I don't wanna give up on him. I love him,and as a girlfriend but also as a friend,u don't give up on some1...especially when they need ur support/encouragement or whatever. i know he's told me I can leave him any time coz he doesn't want me involved in his shit,but I KNOW I won't be any happier if I break up w/him. All I'll do is miss him TERRIBLY and still won't be able to get him off my mind. I'll still be working w/him and unable to be anywhere near him w/o wanting to bawl my eyes out. rather I'm w/him or I'm NOT-I will still always feel so emotionally distressed about him. There is NO WAY out! not really. =,(

On the other hand, I still enjoy the convos I have w/him. Like last night, he thought I had issues w/kissing too. No, that I like. I'm just an awkward kisser and am embarassed by it. only reason I hadn't kissed him yet..not till last night anyway when HE went in for it. lol. I had to once again tell him about my asshole ex, gary. how HE basically told me I'm a bad kisser(he's right about that unfortunately). I just had such a  lengthy chat w/him about Asshole,and Rob was like,"wow, this guy fucked u up in the head big time. where did u say he works again? walmart? I wanna go kick his ass." LOL! awwwwwwwww! I thought that was really sweet. =) I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on,but I know that no matter WHAT decision I make(stay w/him; dump him, etc.),I will NEVER stop feeling depressed,angry,upright, etc. about him. I'm DEEPLY IN LOVE w/this man,and it's KILLING me. =(

the conversations I have w/my boyfriend r almost as much fun as the 1s I have w/my bestie, lol.

Last night....
Me: good night, sweet fart. oops. I meant sweet HEART.
Rob: Wow! not cool man. not cool. LOL
Me: hey got a little secret 2 share w/u. I tease u A LOT bcoz I LIKE u! ROFL!
 I just thought I'd share that w/u. It's the best piece of gossip u'll ever hear. lol
Rob: sure it is.
Me: I'm a little drunk...off soda. lol Man I can't wait to 2 c u tomorrow. Yippeee!! lol
Rob: what the? u can get that way from soda? wow!
Kat: ok I'm HYPER. what's the difference? lol
Rob: There's a big difference. lol
Kat: well, it's ME. I can get drunk from soda. lol
Rob: I wish I could be. I would have saved a lot of money. lol
Kat: weeeeeeeee! hee hee!! la la la la LAAAAAAAAA! lol
Rob: wow! r u ok?

Then Today's convo:

Rob: hey I'm not sure if I'm gonna hang out tonight. I will let u know.
Me: did something happen? if ur not sure ur coming or not, I'm wondering if something happened?
Rob: nothing happened. I'm just not sure yet.
I will text u when I get out. I just feel kinda shitty. that's all.
Me: awww I'm sorry. feel better sweet heart. =)
Rob: thanks. that's better than what u called me last nite. lol
Me: I dunno what ur talking about. I didn't do anything. lol
Rob:Right. I almost believe u. lol
Me: I'm innocent I tell u. I protest this accusation. rofl
Rob:  u would. lol
Me: well, I'm not gonna sit here and let u disparage my character. I'm taking my toys and playing somewhere else. ur mean. lmao
Rob: wow! lol
Me: sorry u ended up getting a crazy gf. bet ur wondering what u got urself into now. rofl
Yeah! take that meanie! lol
Rob: I told I like crazy. lol
I like ur brand of crazy. it's the right kind of crazy. lol. yeah I'm ok.

1 of my most random blogs

I feel so stressed out all the time. How is it possible to be so happy yet so depressed and withdrawn at the same time? I got the man I love,so shouldn't I be happy? I am,but for some reason I feel upright and ill at ease too. I haven't been feeling like myself,and my sleep patterns r even worse than usual. I spent the night w/Rob last night,and the whole time he kept having involuntary twitches, like he was shaking so hard at times as if he were shivering. 

He kept wanting to sleep on the floor or in his chair,so he wouldn't keep me up,but I wanted to sleep beside him-holding him. I didn't care about that. The problem I was having was I couldn't stay comfortable in 1 position for too long before I had to turn over again..plus I was freaking hot..then cold..and my throat felt SO. DRY! having to keep swallowing coz u can't get ur throat wet; don't have enough saliva will keep u up too. I had an amazing time tho. I love this man w/all my heart,and I wish I was able to make him see that. I feel better about being able to admit all the things to him that for MONTHS I had been keeping to myself...well at least from HIM anyway, lol. 

It turns out there's a guy at work who kept asking me out for a while,and it seems like he just KNOWS I have a bf or something now coz he doesn't do that anymore. I told Rob about him,and Rob admitted to feeling a little jealous. awww! so cute! he doesn't have to be coz I don't want the other guy...I want HIM! ^_^ All those times I tried my best to hide my feelings from Rob..it had worked too well. He not only didn't think I was in love w/him(and I am),but he thought I hated him. aww! =( I told him I had been working my ass off to keep my secret safe. He admitted he thought I hated him. I knew he did even then,but I didn't know how to tell him I didn't hate him at all without admitting I love him. I finally told him that all my efforts to keep him from finding out how I felt about him made me look bad. It made it seem as if I didn't like him at all. =( We even had a good laugh over Charity. I told him she figured me out long ago..before she even knew me very well,and how she had been riding my ass to tell him how I feel about him since then. She told me herself and then Rob told me again last night how he was waiting for her to get out of the bathroom,so he could start cleaning and when she came out, she suddenly told him, "ya know, she just GLOWS whenever she talks about u." aww! that was cute! Rob said he had been having a bad day,so that made him feel better when she told him that. How sweet! ^_^

I think it sucks how Rob thinks I'm so concerned w/what other ppl think. As if I have a reputation to protect, and dating him is "killing" it. wtf? The only reason I get bent out of shape over the rumors is because they r a threat to our relationship. He seems to believe a lot of the shit they say about me. I told him that. I said I don't give a flying fuck what THEY think; I care what HE thinks. He seems to believe them,and that puts a MAJOR strain on our relationship. Even when we were just friends, it put a huge strain on that too,and it's been like this for MONTHS! I'm worried I'm gonna lose him over the stupid shit ppl at work say.
 =(

;(

as USUAL, my friends r NEVER online for me to talk to anymore. I feel so distressed and have no1 to talk to,so I'm stuck blogging...AGAIN! >.< how come my relationships ALWAYS have problems in the very BEGINNING??? hmmm being on that time of the month and all...yep, what a GREAT time to have ur boyfriend damn near break up w/u! THANK U!*uses very sarcastic tone* My bf is far more insecure than I am. I just don't get it! He says he trusts me,but he acts like he doesn't. He almost broke up w/me coz for some reason he thinks there is som1else I'm seeing. really??? ME??!! the girl who SHIES away from relationships most of the time?? The girl who has been been heart broken so many times before but FINALLY gets the guy she's been in love w/ for MONTHS and has been so damn happy, find some1 ELSE??? Babe, I am NOT ur ex! I will NOT cheat on u! she was a fucking RETARD to let u go! u r AMAZING,and she was obviously 2 STUPID 2 get that! I NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER get the guy! EVER! and now that I have for the 1st time, I can ASSURE u, I do NOT want any1 else! I don't know if I'll ever find another guy who will put up w/my issues like u do; love me like u do.

u r my best friend. I can talk to u FOREVER and not get bored. u listen to me. u defend me. u show compassion and understanding toward me. do u not GET IT?? u r EVERYTHING I was dying to have in a man! u ARE the man I didn't think existed! u r my world! my everything! I have written DOZENS of sappy drippy poems about u for MONTHS! I have been MADLY IN LOVE w/u for a LONG. TIME! and when u told me u had feelings for me,it was a night I was so upset over something,and it made me feel AMAZING! those were words I wanted to hear for so long! HOW can I CONVINCE u that I love u so much??? HOW can I convince u that I'm not gonna hurt u? I am SCARED 2 DEATH of being in a relationship! I'm TERRIFIED of the future,yet I stick w/u anyway because I LOVE u! He told me we should prolly go back to being just friends and that was y. I managed to keep my (is it posure or COMposure) while I was on the ph w/him,but when I got off the ph I started crying. I mean we're still together and still trying to make this work,but it made me cry anyway. Now I feel depressed and have a hard time focusing on my paper I've been trying to write. I don't wanna lose him. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me. =(

I know I've said this before in previous poems/blogs

I know I've said this before in previous poems/blogs,but....
I love how I can talk 2 u about anything and everything..AND never get bored.
I love your incredible smile.
I love the way u treat me. ur a true gentleman who actually cares enough about me to take things slow and not make 1 single demand.
I've told u things I was afraid to tell u out of fear u wouldn't understand, but u did.
I actually feel comfortable around u when I normally don't feel that w/most guys.
I love how considerate u r.
I love how u LISTEN 2 me.
I love how much fun I always have w/u; how much u make me laugh.
I love how HAPPY I've been since we got together.
I love YOU,and I hope u know that; hope u BELIEVE that coz it's true.
You fit all of what makes one someone's soul mate.
And that someone is ME.
Your'e my soul mate and my best friend.
I love you so much. =)