how I've been feeling,lately

She's losing her heart but refuses to try again. She's trying to hold onto her heart w/a death grip,but her heart is being slowly yanked from her grasp,right before her eyes. She cannot stop it,but she knows she must. He seems so right for her,yet he could be VERY wrong for her. She refuses to allow history to repeat itself w/a different guy,but she's finding it hard to resist his charm. She keeps reminding herself of why love is never meant to be; how this situation is too much like the last and how it would just go wrong ,yet she can't deny how much she loves him; how much she loves BEING w/him. Talking to him. Goofing off w/ him. They seem so good together. He seems wonderful. But is he is the real deal,or is he just another act like the rest? She's torn in half: She promised herself she would NEVER make the same mistake twice,yet she can't help but fall in love w/this sweet,guy. Should she step back,and avoid this whole thing as much as possible? or is he the right 1 after all,and she should drop her guard and just let him in? She's fighting hard to resist,but she's already falling in love and cannot stop it.

Last night was an emotional,miracle.

People are ALWAYS flying around the corner that is just a few feet away from my house. There are 1 or 2 houses a few doors down from me that,1 or the other(or both) almost ALWAYS get hit. Last night,I heard what sounded like a car speeding up,then flying off the road and where I expected to hear the crash afterwards,I didn't. The 1st time I went outside,I didn't see a car ANYWHERE,but my neighbors were outside talking to each other. They were just far enough away that I couldn't make out what they were saying. Within a few minutes, I saw an ambulance,2 fire trucks,and then 2 or 3 cops drive on over there. I finally walked over to see what was up,and I saw that there was indeed a car that wrecked,and it was between 2 of the houses. That was why I couldn't see it before. The car managed to plow thru a brick wall my next door neighbor had up to help keep cars from hitting his house. The car also managed to skid across the house next door to my neighbor's yard,and then make his way all the way over the house next door to THAT 1. In between both of these houses was where the car ended up. It was in there SIDEWAYS,backed up to the 1 man's side garage door. His car had gone to hell in a hand basket. The front end was CREAMED; the hood was popped open and had a big tree branch in it. The passenger side was crunched in so bad that the cops couldn't get the door open. Fortunately, there was only 1 man in there(the driver),and he was ok. Oddly enough, he wasn't even injured. His car looked that bad,I wasn't sure if he even survived. He was VERY lucky! He walked away w/o even so much of an injury. He was yaking away on his cell phone. No, he didn't crash from being on a cell phone, lol. He called his wife after he had an accident,and this is where it gets kinda sweet/emotional. His wife showed up a few min later; she had barely stopped the car when a little boy(their son) about 8,9,10 years old somewhere around in there,flung open the back door,ran out of that car,and threw himself around his father's waist in a death grip,hug,and started crying. AWWWWWWWWWW! that was so sweet! the dad was like, "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm ok." but that little boy never let go of him. It was so sweet, I almost cried,too. =,}

Taking a Break

Gatta take a break from this research assignment I'm trying to get done. My mind is too busy wandering away towards things I can't get off my mind. 1st of all,I'm bummed out.  My cool manager will NOT be coming back like I thought. He was only supposed to be gone a few months,but it turns out he's STAYING at that other store.  Bummer. =( Some other things...there's only 1 person that wants to set me up w/a certain coworker of mine,but there's ANOTHER coworker that every1 ELSE seems to have their mind set on hooking me up w/. lol  The thing is,this used to be annoying,but now I'm finding I kinda like it. I mean, I LIKE him! At 1st I was hem- hawing around and not sure what I thought of him. He's sweet. He's cool,and he's fun to hang around,but that doesn't mean I LIKE him. Turns out I do,lol. I think I actually blushed a little when ppl have told me we make a cute couple. I've had 3 diff people tell me that. The 1st 1 thought we look cute together mainly because we're both short. lol suuuure,having a guy just as short as me TOTALLY makes him my soul mate. LOL. Ok,so he's a gentleman,and he's silly,plus I can make HIM laugh,too which,for some reason, I like. lol. He's def cute! ^_^

The only draw back(as far as I know) is he smokes. I can't imagine kisses would be too yummy when u kiss a smoker. I'm just sayin... lol Besides that,I find that I'm thinking about him alot more ,lately. What really proved to me I'm crushing on him,is having to fight a huge smile from crossing my face when I saw him. I got like that when another friend of ours told me SHE told HIM the same thing every1 else tells me,NOW: "u 2 look cute together. u should try to get w/her." OMG! *blushes* please, no? I can't be in a relationship,and u know Y. SHE knows y. I've told her,and she seems to get it. But at the same time,I REALLY LIKE this guy. I'm just afraid if we DO date,it'll like be w/Gary all over again: He seems to sweet,and we have fun together joking at work and such,but when we try dating outside of work,all that changes. He becomes my worst nightmare,and we always fight over stupid shit. He's always PRESSURING me,and I'm freaking out,which makes me more bitchy and whiny,etc. Then he stops talking to me;giving me the silent treatment because I'm not telling him what he wants to hear,etc. I just don't wanna go thru that again w/another guy,and that's what I'm afraid will happen. =( If there's 1 thing I've learned, I can't let ANY1 THAT close to me. I can have all the friends in the world,but I can't have a soul mate; a "love of my life." a boyfriend. Whatever label u wanna use for it,I can't have 1. It's ALWAYS doomed to fail,and I just don't wanna get hurt again,and grow even MORE bitter and MORE distrusting. =( I don't know what to do. I know I need to watch my back,and stay away from relationships,but I really,REALLY, LIKE this guy. Alot!

Even today,when we were cleaning the stupid bathrooms,he walked over to get something from the cart or whatever,and I found myself grinning like crazy. actually,EVERY time I look at him,I start grinning like crazy and start feeling kinda loopy. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! please no?! I don't wanna feel this way. I KNOW there is a price to pay; consequences for dating/having a bf,and I don't wanna have to deal w/that. I'm scared as HELL,and I don't like it. I just don't know what to do. =(

The Life of a Rubberband

I really like my english teacher. She gives us some silly but fun assignments to do in class. The other day,we had to get w/a partner,and write a paper/autobiography/story about an in inanimate object. Me and my partner got rubber band. I love being able to bring life to OBJECTS. it's a form of writing/art. I love this clas. =) here's what I wrote:

The Life of a Rubber band:
I am a rubber band. I come in many colors,but most people would recognize me in brown.
I was born in a factory. I am very useful as, I am very stretchy; I can hold things together,like rolled up posters for instance. Anything u have that needs being held together,I am there for u.
Pens and pencils mock me because I am not used as often as they are. However, I can be used for entertainment purposes. For example, you can flick ur friend's arm with me,or shoot me across the room.
I can be used for many things until I snap and become completely useless.
The life of a rubber band is not an easy one.

LOL!

I was hoping blogging might help...

I have 2 major assignments to do from 2 different classes: 1. is a power point research thing for oceanography,and the other is a memoir I must write about myself,for english class. I can't seem to focus. My brain is everywhere,so I was hoping if I blogged for a bit,I would clear my head better; get "warmed up" if u will,and be able to come up w/something. I've been thinking,after writing the beginning of this, maybe I can make my memoir about my a.d.d. ness,then again,I have had far more interesting things happen in my lfie time that I would prolly enjoy writing about,instead. However,the essay isn't due until the 20th,but the research power point is due by next Tues.,so I guess I need to focus on that 1st. that and the math hw. my head is reeling right now. I H8 not being able to focus. it drives me NUTS! I wanna be more focused and not have my mind always wandering. Wandering to my job,and the guys that I work w/(1 in particular I'm a little sweet on),and wandering to me getting my license. There's also the trip to Atlanta that a friend of mine is talking about taking,and I would LOVE to go w/her. I want so BAD to visit Atlanta,and I would be devastated if I didn't get to go. See? there is ALWAYS something on my mind. My thoughts race constantly. I can spend anywhere from a few min to a few HOURS thinking about 1 thing and having millions of others thoughts linked to that1 at the same time,or I can sit there and have MULTIPLE thoughts about zillions of different things. It can be quite entertaining,but it can also be quite maddening; it drives me CRAZY,sometimes. I wish I wasn't some1 who over thinks things,but I am,and it frustrates me to no end. I have ppl tell me to not over think things,but it's not that easy. I just can't seem to slow my brain down a little. It spits out so many thoughts per/second that,I SWEAR it goes faster than the speed of light. I would LOVE to be tested for a.d.d. It would be interesting to find out if I have it or not. I don't know. I just know it drives me fricking NUTS! especially when I'm such a slow thinker on TESTS!! How can I have such speedy thoughts in GENERAL,but be so slow on a test?? >.< Ok,I think this little bit of bloggin helped. Maybe I can focus on my assignment,now..... I hope, lol.

what DO I think about?

All my coworkers are used to me smiling and being happy all the time,so when I DON'T smile they wanna know why? Sometimes,I don't smile because I'm depressed/pissed off,but other times I don't smile,but I don't frown,either. I just have no particular look on my face. This usually happens when I'm deep in thought. I tend to think..ALOT!  In fact.my thoughts are usually so MANY and so fast. ZIP! ZIP! kinda like that! I also tend to over think every thing. It can be REALLY annoying at times,and other times it saves me. I get so bored and miserable in certain situations,and having thoughts that never end; being easily distracted, makes my time speed up a little more for me. Anyway, 1 coworker told me to smile(because I wasn't smiling this 1 time.) I half made a joke about that to another coworker,about how "what? am I supposed to ALWAYS smile?" or something like that. He looked at me seriously and said,"ur usually smiling all the time." He asked me what was wrong. I told him I was fine. It was just that my mind was busy. Like I have a TON of thoughts. So many of them and they speed so much. It can kinda make me dizzy,and they're MY thoughts. lol! He then asked me what I was thinking about. I kinda figured I'd end up writing a whole book or exhausting myself trying to tell any1 the details of my thoughts. I really think I might be A.D.D,but I'm not sure. Maybe there's ANOTHER,more LOGICAL, explanation for why my brain spits out thoughts faster than cars on the highway. lol

Anyway,I'm gonna try not to make myself dizzy/exhausted/nauseous,or crazy. I'm gonna attempt to tell u what it is I think about: well....EVERY THING! I think about how much of a romantic I am at heart,and how I wish I could fall in love again but know I can't. I think about how I still have a crush on Grant Wilson(and still have fantasies about him. that's part of my thoughts.) I also have random crushes on some of the guys at work. I think about them,but I also wonder why it is I have more than 1 crush now. I didn't used to have a crush on more than 1 guy at a time like that. It's weird. I started off crushing on my manager and now,I think I am getting a crush on a coworker I work very close w/. We don't just work the same store; we work the same department,too. I also think about my best friend and how much I miss her. I think about getting my license,so I can do my OWN driving finally. I get alot of songs playing in my head at random times. Sometimes I sing along to them. My mind races over what I have to get done and how I'm gonna do it. Every thing from at home situations,to school,to work,to the crushes I have; fantasies I have about spending time w/the guy I like; inventing stories in my head that I actually write out as a comic/poem,or I don't write at all but just keep DAY DREAMING about! I also get certain dreams that will keep coming back to me at random times during the day,and I think about those too,trying to analyze them; trying to interpret them.

I think about my future and what I wanna do. I keep waffling back and forth on what I wanna do w/my life. I often wonder why I am here; what is my purpose. I often feel like I have no purpose. I think about my teeth because I worry about them. I worry about the damage that is being done to them from the wisdom teeth. I especially worry based on the PAIN I'm in,alot. These are all things I THINK about. I've even thought about rather I wanna have children or not. I'm TERRIFIED of pregnancies because of what they DO to the body,yet I don't wanna get fixed either because I MIGHT decide I wanna have children after all. I just think and think and think till it makes my head spin,but I STILL can't seem to slow down the constant stream of thoughts I have. My mind is ALWAYS busy. Even in my sleep I think. I know I still haven't mentioned EVERY THING I think about but if I tried to put down EVERY THING I think about, my head would spin,and I would be here all night typing endlessly in this blog. And to those of u that actually READ this,UR heads would be spinning too. As it is,I've typed ALOT so if u've managed to read this far, congratulations! lol

strange dream

I had this odd dream about a coworker of mine. Maybe I DO like him-atleast a little,anyway and I'll tell ya why: The dream went pretty much like this: I'd spent alot of time hanging out w/him;talking to him,and I could tell we hit it off right away.(we did this in real life too,just yesterday,but at work.) I'm not sure WHERE exactly we were in the dream,but it was like it is at work: I loved talking to him,and we had fun in each other's company. Goofing off,talking about every thing,and just never getting bored w/each other,really. But also, like at work, there were too many people around us in this place we were at,and we had just enough other things to do that I didn't get to hang w/him as much as I would've liked,so I tried to get him to hang out w/me some time OUTSIDE of the place we were at. Now, like me,he prefers to be single(this too is reality as well as the dream),but I only wanted to hang out like friends. I'm not looking for a relationship either,but I know asking him to hang out otherwise,sounded like I was asking him out. I remember asking him if we could hang somewhere else for a while; to have more time to just..talk. that's all I wanted,but I knew right as I asked,how it sounded.

 He smiled in a nervous sort of way as if to say, "I told u before,I prefer to be single." which he actually said too,but I told him I knew that and felt the same way. I just wanna hang out as friends. I'm not asking u to be my boyfriend even tho,that IS how it sounded. lol. He seemed to go w/that after I explained it to him. He acted like he had to do something 1st or something before we left. I followed him to some other guy he randomly walked up to,and he asked the guy if HE would hang out w/me. WHAT???? WHY WOULD U DO THAT??!! At 1st, I went along w/it,but I threw my hands in the air and walked away. I didn't wanna hang w/THAT guy,I wanted to hang w/ HIM! didn't he GET that? For some odd ball reason,I was starting to cry. I'm not IN LOVE w/the guy or anything,but for some reason,it hurt anyway. Even in the dream,I was confused as to why this upset me so much. I guess it was because he lied to me. All he had to do was say he didn't wanna hang or anything. He didn't need to act like he would,and then go get some other dude to hang w/me. wtf? I think I did hang w/that other guy just to act like I was cool w/it,and once I came back, I couldn't pretend to be ok w/it,anymore.

The sad thing is,once I got back,I was pissed off, but I was also in tears. I saw him coming out of the bathroom as I got back and he was trying to avoid me,or he saw how upset I was. Either way, he was half way between walking out and stepping back in. I can't remember exactly how I worded it,but I do know I said something along the lines of: "I need to talk to,and I'll go in the men's room W/u if I have to. I don't care." and that was exactly what I did. I walked in to the men's room w/him and chewed him out for what he did. I was like, "why did u have THAT guy go w/me?? I wanted to hang w/U!! u could have said 'no' if u didn't wanna hang out w/me." I'm pretty sure I had worded it better than that,but I really can't remember,now. =(

 I woke up from this dream thinking... "ooookay." It was WEIRD! I mean,I GAVE UP on finding "true love." I no longer want it,or the requirements that come w/having a boyfriend. And I sure as HELL am not in love w/this guy. There are some things I really like about him,but then there r others. He's 1 of those guys that seems all shy and reserved because that's what he chooses to SHOW at work,but away from work I'm betting he's a completely diff person and not 1 that would be right for me. I doubt he is,so what was up w/that DREAM?? it was WEIRD! Is it just because I hung out w/him all day,yesterday? We do work the same area and for the first time n 2 months,we actually worked practically the same shift together,last night. He's usually on mornings if I see him at all. I did spend much more time w/him than I've ever done before,and we had a great time making jokes about every thing-mostly about a coworker we both find really annoying. lol. I guess yesterday was the culprit of my dream. It's weird tho. The way this dream HAPPENED. It makes me wonder;makes me think. I really wish I was good at interpreting dreams because this 1 dream I would LOVE to get the interpretation to. =)

other parts to my day

Among other things, I actually LIKE my job and the ppl I work w/,and this is why I like them so much: This morning,my 1 coworker and buddy,was prancing around all day carrying a stupid football, lol. He had it w/him all day,so some of my other coworkers started teasing him about it. They asked him if he was in love w/it,and he said, "oh yeah,I'm in love w/this thing. Football's the greatest thing in the world. I wanna make love to it." or something like that and then he said, "if only the hole on this ball was bigger." LOL! If that wasn't funny ENOUGH,somebody else said to all of us in the break room,"hey,u know he has a nickname? It's Pencil dick." of course,that got EVERY1 laughing hysterically. omg,I love these people I work w/.  =D LMAO!!!!! XD

Also,I have 1 coworker who I think is really sweet. I can't say I have a crush on him coz I don't think I do. I don't fantasize about him or nothing,but when I am hanging out w/him work,I love it! I like to talk to him. He's so sweet. Even his voice sounds sweet. I dunno how to describe it,but he kinda grows on people. He's just adorable! ^_^ His personality,anyway. Of course,1 of the demo ladies says me n him would make a cute couple just because we're so close on height(he's really short,too.) oh haha. I didn't know when a guy and a girl were so close in height,it made them a match made in heaven; soulmates! really??! LMAO!
However,I wouldn't mind dating him(even tho I've SWORN off dating coworkers.) I figure if I ever really wanted to hang out w/him bad enough,we would have to make a group thing,so no1 would think anything of it,or we would have to meet somewhere on our day off or something. Somewhere where no1 will see us coz I HATE the rumors and annoying questions that come from coworkers that see u spending time w/another coworker. It's ANNOYING! >.<

The other weird thing too,tho is I find myself wanting so BAD to hug him. I dunno y. He's like a teddy bear I guess so like a teddy bear,he tempts me into wanting to cuddle w/him. weird,eh? lol Maybe it's because he's so mysterious. I find that I wanna hang out w/him; I wanna get to know him MORE. I wanna know what kind of things he hides. He def seems the type to have sort of HISTORY that keeps as many ppl from knowing about as possible. I dunno. I just think he's COOL! =)
I usually get mad and kind of offended when some1 gets kinda irritated w/me. Especially,when I'm trying my best or think I'm doing a good job,and they don't. But on the rare occasions he gets a little moody w/me,instead of wanting to argue back,and put him in his place like I do w/most any1else,I just wanna give him a big ol hug,and ask him if he's ok. Ask him what's wrong. That just isn't LIKE me. I've been so angry and withdrawn and hateful of ppl. I wonder what's been mellowing me out,lately? I'm suddenly the peace maker,and I'm glad for that. coz I got SICK of being the "heart less bitch" I thought I had become; the bitch I TRIED to become,so that I could protect myself; protect my HEART. It's weird. I don't think I recognize myself anymore and for the 1st time,I like it. =) ^_^

what a day I had,today!

I always feel like I'm skating very thin,ice when this 1 coworker of mine; like if either myself or any1else tries to make any sort of suggestion,or show him something,he'll get pissed off,and jump ur shit. We've all,myself included,have been there alot longer than he has. at least in maintenance(he's worked here before,and in every OTHER part of the store,EXCEPT maintenance.) Ever since this man started,I've tried to show him the ropes;get him familliar w/every thing we do and is expected to be done,but it's like he doesn't wanna hear any of it. It's always, "Oh,I've got it." "Don't worry,I know/it's already been done." I don't feel like he ever listens to me,or that he's much of a help to any of us. Turns out,it isn't just ME. another coworker of mine in the same area,is getting frustrated w/him,too.

He also feels like he's being flat out ignored and like me as well,we're dealing w/ a "know-it-all." It's annoying! He can say all he wants,but I know he ended up taking the maintenance keys home w/him last night because he was the LAST person to have them,and I didn't see them again for the rest of the night,last night. my 1 coworker who was here before EITHER of us this morning, ALSO couldn't find the keys; was searching frantically for them like I was the night before. I feel sorry for this guy,coz he's really sweet and(in my opinion,) didn't deserve what he got this morning. The guy that lost the keys for us the other night,jumped HIS shit because he asked him(politely too,I might add) AGAIN about the keys because this time, *I* was there,so he could talk to BOTH of us. That was the point. He got pissed off,and started yelling and cussing at him. Poor guy. =( Anyway,this guy seems to be bipolar or something.

It's weird how he can be laid back,silly,and preaching about how life's too short to be angry/depressed all the time 1 second,and the next,he's flying off the handle at some1. The other guy, and I both think that he's lying to both of us,and that's y he got so pissed off and took it personal. It's VERY understandable if u accidentally took the keys home. I did that once myself. It's no big deal. What IS a big deal is him LYING about it. He swears up and down he turned em in before he left,and they were hanging in our little maintenance closet. Well, they weren't on the cart,and they CERTAINLY weren't hanging around anywhere ELSE in there. It's a small closet; we're not LIKELY to miss ANYTHING,INCLUDING the keys in there. We couldn't have BOTH been blind. Low and behold,the keys finally showed back up when HE showed up today. Lovely,aint it? -_- I'm just gonna go behind him,and make sure everything is done from now on. I'll do everything W/O him as much as possible because I don't feel like I can count on him for ANYTHING! -_-