I feel so...ALONE!

I feel so alone;I feel neglected. I dislike ppl because most of them are stupid and never understand me; never even TRY to understand me. As much as I like to be alone,I still get lonely,and I hate it. Why must we as people NEED others. Why is it so hard to be..ALONE? FOREVER,alone. Why must we get so lonely,and slip into a depression if we're lonely for long enough? It's so CONFUSING;so FRUSTRATING to despise people,yet be a social butterfly at the same time. I wanna stay away from people for various reasons, but no matter how UNDERSTANDING my reasons are,no matter how much I convince myself it's best,I still get lonely; I still need the company of another human being. I have my pets,and I think animals make for far better company than people because, they're loyal and don't expect u to do/be something ur not or don't want to do/be. But it doesn't matter. I still CRAVE the companionship of another person which I hate,coz there's always string attached to having some1 in ur life: they want u to jump thru all these hoops to keep them around,or they walk back out of ur life as fast as they walked into it; they get sick of u and just up and leave,or they replace u,and then act like u 2 never met; it's like u never existed,and u never had a history together. It sucks. =(

My best friend is almost NEVER online,and she was the only 1 I liked talking to. Nobody else ever wants to talk and if they do,it's only to argue w/me because they don't like my political opinions. I deleted my facebook page,and that's WHY! I never got THAT stressed out on myspace! Maybe some of my friends don't like that I deleted fb,but oh well. U didn't talk to me/were online anyway,and when u did talk to me,it was to ARGUE! People won't walk to me online,anyway. They ONLY talk to me in person,so why am I bothering w/ fb? just so u can STALK me; find out what I'm doing? Not so u can actually KEEP.IN. TOUCH?? FUCK NO! that's POINTLESS! what's the point in that?? I'm not a celebrity; 1 who's life ur supposed to keep tabs on at all times. WTF?? I have to admit,I've been feeling a little less stressed; a little more relief, since I cancelled my account. I still feel lonely tho. no surprise there. not like any1's EVER around to talk to anyway. Not my best friend at least. She's the only 1 anymore I like to talk to. My cousin sometimes too,but she's never online to talk to either. I miss my friends. I miss HANGING OUT,not having to talk thru a SCREEN! I'm just sick of people,and I'm def sick of LONGING for some1's company when I'm TRYING to be antisocial. >.<

Reasons I Can't Have a Boyfriend

I get asked quite OFTEN why I am single; why I want to STAY single,and I always feel breathless beofre I even BEGIN explaining to the person my reasons. The reason for this is because I have FAR TOO MANY reasons for staying single. Whenever some1 has asked me this,I have often told them(or thought to myself)," if I told u Y I was single,we would be here all day.  In fact, I would have to write u a long list or perhaps a novel because that's how many reasons upon REASONS I have for giving up on dating. So,here is my list/novel or whatever u wanna call it for me giving up on finding some1 for me. Warning: this WILL be LONG! lol.

Ok,I'm not putting this as a list,like "Top 10 Reasons" or whatever.

Here it goes:

3 years ago, I made the fatal mistake of dating a coworker. It's fatal because..well,u know how a work place is. ur coworkers will NEVER shut the hell up about the 2 of u. even when it's over between u 2. Anyway, back to my reasons: I've had relationships before that were a big,fat,JOKE; and utter FAILURE if u will. But none of them did DAMAGE to me like this last 1. I dated a guy that,for some reason,I thought was AMAZING! turns out he was just a sweet talker who was very good at SOUNDING convincing but was LOUSY at backing up his words w/actions! When we were just casual friends/aquaintances at work,everything went SMOOTHLY! he was so fun to talk to,and he made me laugh. He seemed so SWEET and funny. (my favorite combination). He was also CUTE,incredibly enough. Ok,the thing was, I could tell this guy really liked me. Something about his reactions to me; the way he smiled at me etc. I dunno. I could just tell he really liked me,and I ended up liking him too. This was AMAZING for me because guys I like NEVER feel the same about me but this time,1  did. =) He kept making it OBVIOUS he was interested in me;wanted to date me but everytime I told him yes,and every time we would plan where to go and when,but this asshole would stand me up on dates. I kept STRESSING to him NUMEROUS times that if he can't make it to pick me up,he needs to CALL ME and CANCEL! yet I kept forgiving this asshole time after time after time again. eventually,we got to where we saw more of each other outside of work.

 Everything started to go ok for a while,but it wasn't long before he started to pressuring me. Now,before any bone head out there who lets the media/society BRAIN WASH them to the point that they're gonna judge me,let me point out that I am a CHRISTIAN. even if I wasn't,I would still be old fashioned and stand by this because I have seen FAR TOO MANY women get HURT over giving in like this. I wanna wait till marriage(if I ever get married) before having sex. yeah,yeah, those of u that r brain washed by society and think I'm a "loser" can kiss my ass. I don't tell u how to run UR life,please don't tell me how to run mine? I am what I am. Take me or go. Anyway,he kept pressuring me for sex all the time. It was getting to the point that he was really starting to freak me out. He'd have random mood swings and within SECONDS,he was suddenly "calm" again. We fought all the damn time about me putting out. I didn't want to. I wanna go to college,and make a future for myself. I don't wanna risk getting pregnant and putting my plans on FURTHER hold. I've had ENOUGH delays in my life. Besides,I don't think I should have sex JUST to keep a guy around. I should do it because I WANT to,and I'm READY! Doing ANYTHING because u feel like u HAVE to,will make u resentful,and I KNOW that. I knew it at the time too.

Another thing,he was NOT the 1st creepy,over obsessive,boyfriend I've had. For some odd ball reason,I had my 1st boyfriend when I was 11. I was prolly pressured/guilted into that 1,too. He was some(seemingly) nice guy that I met at school at a time when I had no friends and worse, I couldn't have 1 day of peace at school. Everyday from the bus,to classes,to IN BETWEEN classes,some jackass thugs at my school were ALWAYS trying to jump my shit. LITERALLY! I got bullied and harassed on a DAILY basis. Of course this jackass found me at my weakest moment. I thought I was making a friend,but it turned out the guy just wanted me. He wanted in my pants. I was 11,and he was 13. He was cool at 1st,but he really started ti get on my NERVES! He was OBSESSED w/me! He would call me every single day after school. Sometimes I hadn't yet got home or even to my bus stop,before he was calling. Not to mention,he would write me dirty notes about wanting to undress me and all this shit. Soooo "romantic",right? My dad wanted to fucking KILL HIM! I can tell u that. Also, years after the fact,when things finally calmed down,and I was at different schools; was even finally getting more interested in guys,I never had the guts to tell a guy how I felt. I never even had the guts to just go up and talk to him. Try and be friends. When that wasn't bad enough, NO guy I  liked,was EVER interested in me. EVER! That wasn't too bad when all I did was crush a little,but things got ugly when I fell in love for the 1st time in my life. I was 16 years old,in the 10th grade,and I ended up falling heads over heels in love for the very 1st time,and it was w/my friend. I was best buds w/his sister 1st,and our mom were real close friends,too. Let me tell u,THAT was a nightmare waiting to happen. To make a long story short,he found out I liked him,and that was the end of our friendship. =(

It got to where he started avoiding me. He ACTUALLY thought I was stalking him! I admit,I would occassionally try to pass him in between classes,so I could talk to him a little. I wasn't flirting w/him,or saying anything sexual. I wasn't saying or doing anything different that I ALWAYS had before,but it was different since I was in love w/him,and he knew it. =( When that wasn't bad enough,even after I moved away to another town,I still talked to him online,and he would get pissed off at me for NO REASON! he would just suddenly sign offline on me w/o warning. He did this every time I imed him. =( Sometimes he would say things like "STOP THAT/STOP SAYING THAT!" etc. and I'd be like "stop WHAT?" He had more mood swings than a girl on her time of the month. sheesh! every little thing I did pissed him off,and that only started when he found out about my feelings for him. He couldn't hurt me ENOUGH. nope. He then had to get a girlfriend-which ironically,he's married to now.

Now fast forward a few years,and I moved to IL. w/every intention of focusing SOLELY on what I was there for: to get to know my brother,and to earn both-my high school diploma and driver's license while I was there. I didn't wanna think about guys anymore. I just wanted to be left alone to heal from my broken heart. As usual,tho, things didn't go my way. I saw this guy at church that had drawn my attention from the start.  There was something about him I LIKED,but I couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't KNOW him;I didn't even know his NAME. But for some reason,I found myself  DRAWN to him,the way a bug is to a light. I knew I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to talk to him. There was just something about him that I realllly LIKED! He had been looking at me alot because I was new I suppose,and I of course kept looking at HIM. It wasn't until about a month later when I had a cute dream about going to prom w/him,that I realized I was totally crushing on him.
I actually woke up from that dream w/a HUGE smile on my face,and I might have been blushing too.  I sat there not denying it or anything,but letting this information sink in. I really had a thing for this guy. The problem is,I was still too PAINFULLY shy around guys I liked. especially this 1,since I didn't really KNOW him,but I felt like I did. I've never had an INSTANT intuition about a guy, like THAT before. I wanted to get to know him sooooo bad,but I was too chicken shit to talk to him. I couldn't figure out HOW to approach him. He didn't know me after all. I didn't wanna chase off yet ANOTHER guy I liked,so I suffered in silence and continued to not talk to him. I did however,become best buds w/these 2 girls who happened to ALSO be best buds w/HIM,and the wheels in my head started turning. I figured out how to both ask him out,and get over my nerves at the same time. I decided I would ask him to prom-just as friends. I didn't wanna freak him out,and that way we can get to know each other 1 on 1 like I wanted to. HOW I was gonna do it: simple. I was gonna end up talking to him BECAUSE the of the girls we were both friends with. Then he wouldn't suspect a thing. It gave me the PERFECT excuse to talk to him,PLUS it would allow for us to get know each other well enough that by the time it came time to ask him to prom,we should both be comfortable w/each other,and it wouldn't be awkward.

But of course,the crazy fucken ppl I lived w/,who's soul purpose was to make my life hell,sent me home 2 months before prom even started. I didn't get to do ANY of my beautiful plans. didn't get to even TRY. =(
Not to to mention these same assholes used to call me a child molestor because he happened to be a few years younger than me. I had CRUSH on him. that's IT!! I wasn't trying to get in his pants! in fact,that wasn't my plan AT ALL!! Anyway, I've come to the conclusion after every thing else that has happened: it is just NEVER meant to be. I'm not meant to have a soul mate. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. -_-
I don't wanna have sex(prolly never),and I def don't wanna have kids.(at least not my own.) All around me,I see ppl who just LIVE w/theit bf/gf and have kids; live like they're married w/o actually getting married. Married couples that have been together for so many years that are NOW sick of each other,and they tell future generations to never get married.

Nobody knows what love is. they only know LUST! it's lust,but they call it "love". I don't believe in true love. It's in FAIRY TALES for a reason! Nobody wants to commit. Nobody wants to WORK to make their relationship strong and long lasting. Every1 wants it to be "easy" all the time,and they RUN at the 1st sign of trouble. Marriages/Relationships...they're not meant to last for life,so y bother? Everyday,all I get is more and more DISCOURAGEMENT about relationships; not enough ENCOURAGEMENT. I'm not sure I ever wanna get married anymore. I have been trying so HARD to keep from ever falling in love again,and I won't give any more guys a chance coz I'm whole heartedly SICK of it! I'm sick of 1 sided feelings! I'm sick of lust disguising itself as "love". I'm sick of lies and heartache. I'm also sick of crushing on guys that r married(which has been happening lately). I'm sick of confusing a crush w/flattery. I've done that too once.

I'm sick of obsessive,clingy guys that won't let me breathe and be myself for a moment. I'm sick of being deceived. I'm just sick of EVERYTHING! I wanted to me immune to falling in love,and I finally succeeded at that. I still crush ALOT,but thank GOODNESS my heart doesn't run away anymore. Now I fear,that if I supposably "met my right guy",I wouldn't have feelings for him,or I would get over a crush I had on him coz I'm so used to resisting. I'm so used to closing my heart off to every1. Now that I'm finally successful at it,I don't know how to reverse it nore do I want to. I know I'm prolly forgetting something,but now u know y I don't wanna be in a relationship. The biggest thing tho,is I KNOW I'll HAVE to have sex which if I'm SINGLE,won't be required at all. Now u know. The truth it out-if u care to read my blog coz I sure as HELL aint gonna explain this in PERSON to anybody. Nobody will understand anyway,so why bother? -_-

HAPPINESS!!!! ^_^

my absolute FAVORITE manager is opening up at a new store for and will be gone for 3 months. It's only been like a week at most since I've last seen him,and I am ALREADY having withdrawls. I like messing w/him and hell,I just LIKE him!! ^_^ To my complete PLEASANT surprise tonight,HE CAME!! He was here in the store tonight!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I was so damned happy,I could shit! LOL XD
I was very excited! I was trying so hard to not start dancing and singing! I was already getting a spring in my step. I almost didn't recognize him coz he was wearing glasses,and I've never seen him in glasses before. Apparently,he was wearing contacts this whole time? I had no idea! he actually looks really CUTE in glasses! I dunno WHAT it is about GLASSES that makes a guy seem more tame;more shy...something! Maybe it's the whole nerdy appearance or something. I dunno. I still can't believe he came to see us tonight!! yay!! ^_^ of course, as USUAL, I messed w/him BIG time!! ROFL!! I'm a brat,and I know it! XD he asked me y I can't ever say hi; y I have to give him a hard time all the time. coz it's FUN to mess w/him that's y!! ROFL!! XD I pick on him alot and have so much fun! I just needed to catch up. LOL!! ok ok,I REALLLLLLLLY like him! I still hate myself for this; I have a crush on a manager...not just that but a MARRIED guy ON TOP of that!! ugh! the disgrace;the shame! -_- lol! oh well,I've had to learn to accept the fact I have a crush on him,and stop letting the guilt get to me. Lately,I crush ALOT,and I have to just ride this crush out till it's done. I can't FIGHT it,and trying to fight my attractions/feelings has never done anything,but stress me the hell out!

 Also,I'm annoyed coz 1 of the demo ladies at work WON'T STOP TRYING TO FIND ME A BOYFRIEND!! she is DRIVING me CRAZY!! she keeps trying to set me up w/1 of my coworkers just because SHE likes him! but I DON'T!! I just said I have a crush on my manager,NOT this other guy she's trying to hook me up w/. However,my manager's married,and the other guy isn't. Plus,she doesn't KNOW I have a crush on the manager. I'm not gonna tell her either. She's a blabber mouth. I'm not telling ANY1 coz word spreads like WILD FIRE! it would get back to him,and I would be sooo HUMILIATED!! Anyway,this woman went so far to tell my coworker that I would rather casually date like friends;no relationship. I told her that just in talking! not so she can tell HIM,and convince him to ask me out!! how many x's do I have to tell this woman I do NOT wanna date right now??! it's MY life!! can I PLEASE decide for MYSELF when to start dating again and who? Is that too much to ASK??!! this woman just DOES. NOT. TAKE. A. HINT!!! >.<  I get the bad feeling: what if said coworker LIKES me,and now this lady is getting his hopes up for nothing! He prolly thinks I like him too,and I'm too shy to say anything,so this woman is helping us both out! that is NOT so,but what if he thinks that?? she has backed me into a corner! Now I will be forced to either go on date I don't wanna go on out of politeness,or I'll have to flat out turn him down; being FORCED to break some1's heart all because 1 busy body woman just won't BUTT OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIVES! >.< I thought my Walmart coworkers were bad,but even THEY weren't this bad! SHEESH!! I know I'm gonna have to talk to him A.S.A.P; to set him straight. I don't want him thinking the wrong thing! I don't want him getting his hopes up for nothing,and I def don't wanna go on a date w/a COWORKER! I sworn off that 3 years ago!! Besides,if I go on ANY date,I just KNOW ppl will find out,and we'll be the talk of the whole store;it'll never freaking END!!! I have to nip this in the bud, A.S.A.P.! I hope he works Wednesday,so I can talk to him then. =/

random poem thing

all I want is a guy who will accept me as is.
I want a guy who will be my best friend.
A guy that is honest from the start-INCLUDING about who he is.
A guy that will not pressure me.
A guy that is happy w/just hanging w/me; just cuddling.
I want a guy who will LOVE me,not lust after me,and w/no strings attached; no requirements.
I want a guy who ISN'T brain washed by society; who thinks for himself.
I want a guy w/morals and standards.
I want a guy I can talk to about anything and everything,and never get tired of talking to him.
I want a guy that can make me laugh,and of course I can make him laugh too.
I want a guy who's a little bit shy.

things are finally looking up,and they better STAY that way!

The 1st thing had been about 2 years ago when Target hired me,so I was able to quit that piece of shit job at Walmart. I lost the job at Target tho,shortly after I got my ged,but then I started college and was so much happier! ^_^ I went to school for a while W/O a job and was broke all the time. It kinda sucks. Now,a month ago, I got a new job,and I'm actually HAPPY there. =) I get paid alot more,and get alot more hours. PLUS, I'm treated real well there. Getting to wear whatever I want is DEF a huge plus,not to mention the store actually closes for holidays. EVEN, Easter. =D The job position I'm in allows me to walk around the store,so I'm not stuck in 1 place like I was before. I get pretty decent hours for part time,but I have the option to go full time later if I choose to,and I think it would be in my best interest to do so. w/that said, I should finally have enough of an income that I can move out from home finally! yaaaaay, INDEPENDANCE! ^_^ Also, after looking at the list of things I have to do for my driving test,I think maybe I CAN pass it this time after all. It's way more BASIC than I thought. I have plans and HOPEFULLY, nothing will stand in the way of them this time! =D I'm in college. I have a job again,and it's 1 that I LIKE. I feel more confident in my ability to pass my driving test. I'm feeling so much better right now! Good things happening,PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue?? Don't come to a screaming halt like u have in the past? PLEASE??!! I beg of u! I haven't been this happy in a LONG time! PLEASE,for the love of God and all humanity,DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME??!!

this sucks =(

my FAVORITE manager in the whole damn store is GONE!! oh COME ON!! u SUCK!!! >.<  >=0 he's gone for 3 months to some other store. I guess he's hiring new ppl for it or something. I dunno,but this really sucks.  I hate to admit it,but he's most of what I look forward to when I go to work. I like him ALOT! I also like to pick on him. he's my BUDDY!! ^_^ anyway,3 months is gonna feel like a life time. it'll be...October/November sometime before he comes back. this really sucks! =( oh,hurry back!! I miss u already! I need my victim. LOL! I need somebody to troll,and he's the best 1 for the job. LOL XD! I have like this..BOND w/him. it's not MUCH of a bond,but there is something of a bond,there! crap! I miss him! I'm not the only 1. 1 of my other coworkers even said she was gonna cry too w/him being gone so long. we both miss him. =( I want my goofy ass,real laid back,boss/homie back right now! >=0 I don't want him being gone 3 months! that's too long. =,( it feels like a death sentence. I will be having some hellacious withdrawls of bugging him. bugging him is what I do best,and how can I do that if he aint there?? come on!! u mean some1 ELSE is gonna get to pick on him instead? NOT FAIR! or worse...he won't get picked on at all! I can't have that!! it's an unwritten LAW,that any1 who comes into any sort of contact w/him,must aggravate him on the spot. LOL =D daaamn,I really miss him already. it's only been a few days since I've seen him last. I'm doomed. I feel the withdrawls so bad right now. =( I WANT MY BUDDY BACK!!!!!!  *cries* =(

I like him,and I shouldn't

I like him,and I shouldn't.
I like him ALOT.
all I ever wanna do is hang out with him,but I can't.
 I love to talk to him.
I love to tease him.
I love to be around him.
He's sweet.
He's funny.
He's laid back.
He's awesome.
I'm half crazy about him-which is bad.
real bad!
because he is married,and he has kids.
I like him,and I shouldn't.
we hit it off right away,and became best buds pretty fast.
sometimes I think he might be a little attracted to me too,but I hope not.
 because he is married.
I cannot have him.
I shouldn't even be feeling this way.
I shouldn't be this damn happy when I'm around him.
I shouldn't enjoy his company so much.
I shouldn't be thinking about him as much as I do.
I shouldn't be dreaming about him.
I shouldn't be getting a stomach full of butterflies or
feeling weak in the knees whenever he looks at me.
I shouldn't  feel breathless and nervous whenever our eyes meet,and he smiles.
I shouldn't love his smile so much.
I shouldn't flirt with him like I do.
I shouldn't even notice him like that.
I shouldn't be aware of how attractive he is.
I shouldn't be aware of or think how AMAZING he is.
I shouldn't be wishing he was mine INSTEAD of her's.
I shouldn't be hoping that he up and gives me a hug out of the blue 1 day.
I shouldn't be smiling back at him,and encouraging him.
I shouldn't be dazzled by those beautiful blue eyes.
I shouldn't like him so much.
It wouldn't be a problem if he was single but since he is married,
 I shouldn't feel this way at all.

such a cute dream;turned into a nightmare

I had a dream about my manager(the 1 I'm crushing on so bad) grabbing both my hands in his,looking me dead in the eyes,and w/a cute little grin,he said, "tell me what it is I have to do to make u fall in love w/me." awww! that's so cute except,he's married.  There's no way THAT would ever happen. lol I started to resist him,and say, "ur married" but right at that time, I suddenly figured out that I was DREAMING,and I even said so in the dream and was starting to say it was ok because it was a dream,then the dream changed slightly. That old,familliar, invisible attacker of mine, decided to grab me while I was standing there. I got kinda panicked,and my manager looked at me kinda worried when he saw the look I must have had on my face. eventually,I was all alone,and being attacked by the invisible being that usually attacks me in my sleep. it normally attacks me "in my room",but this time it decided to take over my more normal dreams. how freaky that this thing has taken a turn and what pisses me off is, it turned a beautiful dream into a nightmare. >.< =( it's weird tho, coz in all my other dreams, I'm able to move and talk,but when this thing comes around,I can't do either of those things. my dream started out normal,and I was able to move and talk,then this THING came into the dream,and I was right back to being paralyzed. I think I was still able to talk, tho. damn u,invisible thing! y did u have to wreck such an AWESOME dream?? >.<  if that thing hadn't attacked me when it did,I think I woulda told my boss that he didn't have to do a damn thing coz I was ALREADY in love w/him except, I'm not. I DO have a crush on him,but I'm not actually IN LOVE at all! I was in the dream tho. lol