Reasons I Can't Have a Boyfriend

I get asked quite OFTEN why I am single; why I want to STAY single,and I always feel breathless beofre I even BEGIN explaining to the person my reasons. The reason for this is because I have FAR TOO MANY reasons for staying single. Whenever some1 has asked me this,I have often told them(or thought to myself)," if I told u Y I was single,we would be here all day.  In fact, I would have to write u a long list or perhaps a novel because that's how many reasons upon REASONS I have for giving up on dating. So,here is my list/novel or whatever u wanna call it for me giving up on finding some1 for me. Warning: this WILL be LONG! lol.

Ok,I'm not putting this as a list,like "Top 10 Reasons" or whatever.

Here it goes:

3 years ago, I made the fatal mistake of dating a coworker. It's fatal because..well,u know how a work place is. ur coworkers will NEVER shut the hell up about the 2 of u. even when it's over between u 2. Anyway, back to my reasons: I've had relationships before that were a big,fat,JOKE; and utter FAILURE if u will. But none of them did DAMAGE to me like this last 1. I dated a guy that,for some reason,I thought was AMAZING! turns out he was just a sweet talker who was very good at SOUNDING convincing but was LOUSY at backing up his words w/actions! When we were just casual friends/aquaintances at work,everything went SMOOTHLY! he was so fun to talk to,and he made me laugh. He seemed so SWEET and funny. (my favorite combination). He was also CUTE,incredibly enough. Ok,the thing was, I could tell this guy really liked me. Something about his reactions to me; the way he smiled at me etc. I dunno. I could just tell he really liked me,and I ended up liking him too. This was AMAZING for me because guys I like NEVER feel the same about me but this time,1  did. =) He kept making it OBVIOUS he was interested in me;wanted to date me but everytime I told him yes,and every time we would plan where to go and when,but this asshole would stand me up on dates. I kept STRESSING to him NUMEROUS times that if he can't make it to pick me up,he needs to CALL ME and CANCEL! yet I kept forgiving this asshole time after time after time again. eventually,we got to where we saw more of each other outside of work.

 Everything started to go ok for a while,but it wasn't long before he started to pressuring me. Now,before any bone head out there who lets the media/society BRAIN WASH them to the point that they're gonna judge me,let me point out that I am a CHRISTIAN. even if I wasn't,I would still be old fashioned and stand by this because I have seen FAR TOO MANY women get HURT over giving in like this. I wanna wait till marriage(if I ever get married) before having sex. yeah,yeah, those of u that r brain washed by society and think I'm a "loser" can kiss my ass. I don't tell u how to run UR life,please don't tell me how to run mine? I am what I am. Take me or go. Anyway,he kept pressuring me for sex all the time. It was getting to the point that he was really starting to freak me out. He'd have random mood swings and within SECONDS,he was suddenly "calm" again. We fought all the damn time about me putting out. I didn't want to. I wanna go to college,and make a future for myself. I don't wanna risk getting pregnant and putting my plans on FURTHER hold. I've had ENOUGH delays in my life. Besides,I don't think I should have sex JUST to keep a guy around. I should do it because I WANT to,and I'm READY! Doing ANYTHING because u feel like u HAVE to,will make u resentful,and I KNOW that. I knew it at the time too.

Another thing,he was NOT the 1st creepy,over obsessive,boyfriend I've had. For some odd ball reason,I had my 1st boyfriend when I was 11. I was prolly pressured/guilted into that 1,too. He was some(seemingly) nice guy that I met at school at a time when I had no friends and worse, I couldn't have 1 day of peace at school. Everyday from the bus,to classes,to IN BETWEEN classes,some jackass thugs at my school were ALWAYS trying to jump my shit. LITERALLY! I got bullied and harassed on a DAILY basis. Of course this jackass found me at my weakest moment. I thought I was making a friend,but it turned out the guy just wanted me. He wanted in my pants. I was 11,and he was 13. He was cool at 1st,but he really started ti get on my NERVES! He was OBSESSED w/me! He would call me every single day after school. Sometimes I hadn't yet got home or even to my bus stop,before he was calling. Not to mention,he would write me dirty notes about wanting to undress me and all this shit. Soooo "romantic",right? My dad wanted to fucking KILL HIM! I can tell u that. Also, years after the fact,when things finally calmed down,and I was at different schools; was even finally getting more interested in guys,I never had the guts to tell a guy how I felt. I never even had the guts to just go up and talk to him. Try and be friends. When that wasn't bad enough, NO guy I  liked,was EVER interested in me. EVER! That wasn't too bad when all I did was crush a little,but things got ugly when I fell in love for the 1st time in my life. I was 16 years old,in the 10th grade,and I ended up falling heads over heels in love for the very 1st time,and it was w/my friend. I was best buds w/his sister 1st,and our mom were real close friends,too. Let me tell u,THAT was a nightmare waiting to happen. To make a long story short,he found out I liked him,and that was the end of our friendship. =(

It got to where he started avoiding me. He ACTUALLY thought I was stalking him! I admit,I would occassionally try to pass him in between classes,so I could talk to him a little. I wasn't flirting w/him,or saying anything sexual. I wasn't saying or doing anything different that I ALWAYS had before,but it was different since I was in love w/him,and he knew it. =( When that wasn't bad enough,even after I moved away to another town,I still talked to him online,and he would get pissed off at me for NO REASON! he would just suddenly sign offline on me w/o warning. He did this every time I imed him. =( Sometimes he would say things like "STOP THAT/STOP SAYING THAT!" etc. and I'd be like "stop WHAT?" He had more mood swings than a girl on her time of the month. sheesh! every little thing I did pissed him off,and that only started when he found out about my feelings for him. He couldn't hurt me ENOUGH. nope. He then had to get a girlfriend-which ironically,he's married to now.

Now fast forward a few years,and I moved to IL. w/every intention of focusing SOLELY on what I was there for: to get to know my brother,and to earn both-my high school diploma and driver's license while I was there. I didn't wanna think about guys anymore. I just wanted to be left alone to heal from my broken heart. As usual,tho, things didn't go my way. I saw this guy at church that had drawn my attention from the start.  There was something about him I LIKED,but I couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't KNOW him;I didn't even know his NAME. But for some reason,I found myself  DRAWN to him,the way a bug is to a light. I knew I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to talk to him. There was just something about him that I realllly LIKED! He had been looking at me alot because I was new I suppose,and I of course kept looking at HIM. It wasn't until about a month later when I had a cute dream about going to prom w/him,that I realized I was totally crushing on him.
I actually woke up from that dream w/a HUGE smile on my face,and I might have been blushing too.  I sat there not denying it or anything,but letting this information sink in. I really had a thing for this guy. The problem is,I was still too PAINFULLY shy around guys I liked. especially this 1,since I didn't really KNOW him,but I felt like I did. I've never had an INSTANT intuition about a guy, like THAT before. I wanted to get to know him sooooo bad,but I was too chicken shit to talk to him. I couldn't figure out HOW to approach him. He didn't know me after all. I didn't wanna chase off yet ANOTHER guy I liked,so I suffered in silence and continued to not talk to him. I did however,become best buds w/these 2 girls who happened to ALSO be best buds w/HIM,and the wheels in my head started turning. I figured out how to both ask him out,and get over my nerves at the same time. I decided I would ask him to prom-just as friends. I didn't wanna freak him out,and that way we can get to know each other 1 on 1 like I wanted to. HOW I was gonna do it: simple. I was gonna end up talking to him BECAUSE the of the girls we were both friends with. Then he wouldn't suspect a thing. It gave me the PERFECT excuse to talk to him,PLUS it would allow for us to get know each other well enough that by the time it came time to ask him to prom,we should both be comfortable w/each other,and it wouldn't be awkward.

But of course,the crazy fucken ppl I lived w/,who's soul purpose was to make my life hell,sent me home 2 months before prom even started. I didn't get to do ANY of my beautiful plans. didn't get to even TRY. =(
Not to to mention these same assholes used to call me a child molestor because he happened to be a few years younger than me. I had CRUSH on him. that's IT!! I wasn't trying to get in his pants! in fact,that wasn't my plan AT ALL!! Anyway, I've come to the conclusion after every thing else that has happened: it is just NEVER meant to be. I'm not meant to have a soul mate. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. -_-
I don't wanna have sex(prolly never),and I def don't wanna have kids.(at least not my own.) All around me,I see ppl who just LIVE w/theit bf/gf and have kids; live like they're married w/o actually getting married. Married couples that have been together for so many years that are NOW sick of each other,and they tell future generations to never get married.

Nobody knows what love is. they only know LUST! it's lust,but they call it "love". I don't believe in true love. It's in FAIRY TALES for a reason! Nobody wants to commit. Nobody wants to WORK to make their relationship strong and long lasting. Every1 wants it to be "easy" all the time,and they RUN at the 1st sign of trouble. Marriages/Relationships...they're not meant to last for life,so y bother? Everyday,all I get is more and more DISCOURAGEMENT about relationships; not enough ENCOURAGEMENT. I'm not sure I ever wanna get married anymore. I have been trying so HARD to keep from ever falling in love again,and I won't give any more guys a chance coz I'm whole heartedly SICK of it! I'm sick of 1 sided feelings! I'm sick of lust disguising itself as "love". I'm sick of lies and heartache. I'm also sick of crushing on guys that r married(which has been happening lately). I'm sick of confusing a crush w/flattery. I've done that too once.

I'm sick of obsessive,clingy guys that won't let me breathe and be myself for a moment. I'm sick of being deceived. I'm just sick of EVERYTHING! I wanted to me immune to falling in love,and I finally succeeded at that. I still crush ALOT,but thank GOODNESS my heart doesn't run away anymore. Now I fear,that if I supposably "met my right guy",I wouldn't have feelings for him,or I would get over a crush I had on him coz I'm so used to resisting. I'm so used to closing my heart off to every1. Now that I'm finally successful at it,I don't know how to reverse it nore do I want to. I know I'm prolly forgetting something,but now u know y I don't wanna be in a relationship. The biggest thing tho,is I KNOW I'll HAVE to have sex which if I'm SINGLE,won't be required at all. Now u know. The truth it out-if u care to read my blog coz I sure as HELL aint gonna explain this in PERSON to anybody. Nobody will understand anyway,so why bother? -_-