Saturday, April 28, 2012

why do people keep trying to make feel guilty about who I crush on?

This has been going on for,YEARS. Almost every guy I like is either "too geeky",a "social outcast","too young for me",or in this case-married. I used to have to carry the burden of who I was crushing on back in high school because some of my friends(my best friend included) thought the guy I liked, was a huge dork. a doofus(altho NOW I agree w/them on that 1. LOL) too geeky..etc etc. Then the guy I liked when I moved to IL. was "too young for me." ok so he was still a teenager,and I no longer was-er atleast wouldn't be 1 any longer once my bday came around. ok,so he was a minor and I wasn't anymore. Not like I ever DID anything about it,but I lived w/a bitch who made her soul purpose to tell me how I was being a child molestor,over a CRUSH I was having! >.< (I can never have any of the good guys >.< ) lol now fastforward a few years,and I am crushing on a married man. Yes,I know I have an INSANE crush on him. I can't help that,but I CAN help how I choose to react to it.
He's a celebrity type,and some girl made 2 fan sites on fb for him. I "liked" it,and started talking to her,and all these other girls who r huge fans,and also have huge crushes on him. Big deal. It's not like we're planning his abduction or something. We're JUST talking about him! We're FANS! nothing wrong w/that. LOL I still get some of my friends saying, "wow! ur obsessed w/him." or "u shouldn't keep fantasizing about him like that-he's married." No shit! Do I LOOK like I'm trying to get in bed w/him? Is there some reason u think I'm ACTIVELY trying to make him mine? I look up to and respect the man. Part of respecting him,is respecting his marriage.(I wouldn't go for ANY married man anyway.) I would NEVER try to come between him and his wife. EVER! yet I get certain ppl that seem to think I will,and keep trying to make me feel ashamed for this crush I'm harboring. Just like w/the guy that was minor, 5 yrs ago, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING!!! >=0
As far as I know,it's not even SINFUL what I'm doing. As long as I'm keeping it all IN MY HEAD,what's the harm?? Besides,I think the fansites are a GREAT way for those of us w/a serious crush on him,to vent about it each other;get it out of our system. No harm done. I get SICK of ppl trying to make me feel ashamed or something,just because I have a HUGE CRUSH on a MARRIED man. I will repeat: I am NOT ACTING on it! I just have FANTASIES! u know..ALL IN MY HEAD! I would never stalk this man by any means,and I def wouldn't get up in his face,throw my # at him,squeal, etc etc. especially when he's trying to spend time w/his family,or just do NORMAL stuff. I've heard of fans that DO do shit like that,and that IS disrepectful. THOSE  r the fans that should be ASHAMED of themselves. Like I said,I respect this man,so I would never do that to him. I did make a blog a WHIIILE back about Grant Wilson as well.

I had just started watching Ghost Hunters,and it was the beginning of my crush on Grant Wilson,when I wrote it. I said that I was GRATEFUL for this kinda crush,coz the guy I DID like b4 that,had got back w/his old gf. As usual,I never get the guy,so who cares? Because I am crushing on some1 I DON'T know,my feelings will NEVER get involved,plus having this crush made me forget about the other guy. See?? it does me a WORLD of good. so PLEASE,STOP trying to make me feel ASHAMED over my crush! I PROMISE u,it's JUST a PHASE that I will eventually come out of. No harm done. I'd rather find my own true love someday. A love that's MEANT to be mine. I don't wanna steal some1 else's man. I want my OWN. Free and clear. One that loves ME and ONLY me! I'm aware that even IF I stood a chance w/this man,I wouldn't want him,coz if he was that easy to steal from his wife,then he'll be easily stolen from ME! Ok,I think I made my point. I just wanted 2 rant a bit. LOL
Posted by at No comments:

Monday, April 23, 2012

since I'm blogging again.. lol

What I have to say will prolly be 1 of the most interesting/scary /funny(depends on how u view it.) things I will be blogging about. Ever since I became a teenager,I've been having CRAZY dreams. On again off again type dreams. Dreams about demons attacking,and some interesting dreams too. Mostly,creepy dreams tho. =( I've always been somewhat of a night owl anyway since I used to work a 2nd shift job,but even before I had that job,I was a night owl. Imagine getting attacked in ur sleep but u can't SEE  or hear whatever is attacking u. it's almost like a paranormal thing,but the paranormal at least has a shadow/outline or SOMETHING. No. I'm talking about being attacked by something u can't see AT ALL. no shadow/black mass. no outline. NOTHING. it doesn't make a sound either. u can FEEL it poking at,choking u,dragging u off ur BED even,but whatever's doing it,u don't know because u just can't SEE it. ok,now imagine that u can't fight back. Not because it's just too strong,or ur just too scared. Nope. It's because u can't MOVE!

This is how my dreams almost w/o FAIL always are. I get dreams that mimic my room exactly as I see it when I'm laying down in my bed. I can feel something poking me in the ribs at times and sometimes even,something attempting to strangle me.  One of my most recent dreams was of me being pulled slowly off my bed by,yet again,this unseen,whatever it is. My light was actually ON in the dream(I sleep in the dark),and I felt someone/or someTHING's hands wrap around both my ankles,holding them together,and slowly drag me down to the foot of my bed. I even watched my whole body slowly moving on it's own,seemingly since whatever had me was completely invisible. For some reason,whenever I have these dreams, I can NEVER move. It's terrifying as hell to always be touched/attacked by something I can't see and can't fight off.

I have these dreams EVERY DAMN TIME I fall into a deep sleep. A deep sleep and at night. Oddly enough,I can sleep deeply during the day and not have this problem,or I can sleep w/the light on and not have this problem. The worst part,is when I wake up from the dream and then go back to sleep,the dream comes right back. =( There was atleast 1 time,I had a dream about this same invisible being trying to choke me and when I woke up,I could feel the "remains" of its hand. As if something really HAD been choking me and only recently let go. That creeped me the hell out.

Ever since I was a little kid even,I would fall asleep,and sometimes dream,sometimes not. But the same thing will happen to me at times,I will fall asleep but not in a DEEP sleep,neccesarily. My brain will totally be alert to what's going on around me,as if it's still awake,but my eyes will refuse to open. This happned to me in high school as well. I would go to my next class,and since I got there early, I would snooze until the bell rang. Problem was,I could tell the bell was about to ring,and my class was already there as well as the teacher was getting ready to start. I however, couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't move for a few minutes. That kinda shit creeps me out. It's like,"I'M AWAKE! I'M AWAKE!! LET ME WAKE UP!!" my brain is SCREAMING,but my body is somehow disconnected or just disobedient and won't respond. lol anyway,I don't like sleeping w/the light on,so I'm a night owl instead and also, I've learned to be a light sleeper as much as possible. Deep sleep,at night brings on the terror dreams for some reason. I have even lost sleep because of these damn dreams. I will feel myself falling into a deep sleep,and I'm just so comfortable and want to fall,but I don't allow it because I sense the nightmare about to start. I dunno how 2 explain it,I just CAN, "feel" the dream coming on,and I instantly force myself awake again. But this means I'm not getting back to sleep for a while either. It's a shame I can't have a nice peaceful rest w/o the terror dreams. =(

Now for those of u that know me,u know y I stay up all night and get my rest in the day as much as possible. And to those of u that DON'T know me,well u now know I'm a night owl and y. lol I suppose if I marry someday and have some1 to sleep w/,the nightmares may stop. I hope. lol
Posted by at No comments:

Sunday, April 22, 2012

ugh!

why is writing an essay such a pain in the ass? like seriously. LOL dude! y can't the essay topics ever be FUN? like, "who's ur favorite celebrity and y?" or even better "who do u look up to and y? describe their traits." etc. no. it's gatta be 1's that r kinda hard to write about, like,"what invention has most affected ur life?" I can only choose 1? damn. coz it's not just 1 invention that made me life easier. I can think of several. lol I know I'm gonna have to rewrite my essay from class last week,so I thought I would get a head start and try to write it again NOW,so MAYBE I won't get stuck w/writer's block again. I hope. =/
Posted by at No comments:

a journal I started for english class lol


*This wasn't an assignment I had to do; it was just a suggestion from my online hw I had,to make a journal. helps give u the practice to make sure ur grammtically correct and what not. lol! I may type some more of these. =) *(this is old by the way.) lol

My 1st day of college was the day I met the love of my life. We were in the same math class and most people didn't have their books yet,so some had to share their books with others. He was one of those people that didn't have a book and so chose ME to sit with and share my book. I had no idea then that this was the start of a friendship. After that,I ran into him all over campus all the time and we talked and got to know each other some. The more I got to know him,the more I found myself enjoying his company. Enjoying HIM. After so many months,I fell in love with him. He's sweet. He's a gentleman. He's funny at times(when he actually lets himself goof off) and he's defintely a cutie. My 1st day of college was also exciting because I thought, "FINALLY! I'm in school! I can finally make something of myself and not be burdened and trapped by crappy jobs anymore. I was just so happy to have finally gotten my GED and started school. I also discovered I had some pretty cool college professors.

Here's my freewriting garbage. Sine Jashua is my favorite subject,I will talk about him. Sometimes I have to ask myself why do I like him so much? What is it about him that's so desirable? I think I would be writing forever if I tried to explain it. There is something about him,that captured my heart and never seeing him anymore is drivng me friggin crazy! OK 1st of all,HE started it! HE walked into MY life! HE talked to ME 1st. Most people in our class(including him) didn't have their books yet,so they sat and shared with people who did. I happened to have my book and Jash decided to share with me. Ever since then it seemed like I ran into him EVERYWHERE. I went to the library and he was right there. Sitting in a chair near the very same books I am always looking at. I would keep on forgetting who he was because it was so early in the semester,but he defintely didn't forget who I was. He was wearing shades and sitting so still,so when he suddenly moved and nodded to me I jumped 10 feet in the air. He then startled me further by saying "good morning". Not remember him I thought he was talking to someone else,but when i looked around,there was noone else there-just me. I was on the verge of asking him who he was when I finally remembered-he was the guy I shared my book with in class. Ever since that day we started talking alot more and hanging around each other. For the longest time, he never talked to anyone else in our class,just me. I wondered why that was.
It really did seem that he liked hanging around ME specifically.I was not only person he talked to in our class.  I was also not the 1st. The more I hung around and talked to him,the more I noticed things. Like,how much of a gentleman he is. He is always holding doors open for ladies,but he seems to be there most often for me. When we had to put in time in the arc lab,he always came and sat with ME. Now mind you,he seemed like that anti social/shy type at first,so I felt kind of special when he decided to sit with me,when he COULD have chosen a table by himself. Also I was suspicious. I began to wonder if he liked me or something. Bad move on my part. My suspicion of him crushing on me ,backfired. I ended up being the one developing a crush on HIM. Pretty rotten let me tell you. Once again,the more I hung around him,the more crush started turning into feelings and it was over little/stupid stuff. Like once day we were sitting outside and he suddenly tells me I have something in my hair. I reached up grabbing whatever it was,but since I never found it,he leans over,reaches out,and grabs the string out of my hair. That brief physical contact sent my heart SLAMMING into my chest,and filling my stomach with butterflies. There was another time when were sitting outside class waiting to go in and after the 1st class finally comes out,he jumps up immediately and heads toward the door,only instead of going in,he stands there holding open the door until me and my friend go in. She gets in there b4 I do but he still stands there,patiently waiting for me to get off the floor and grab my stuff. Meanwhile the rest of our class is just piling in past him and he continues to stand there. Finally, when I walk in he atlast goes in and sits down. Maybe that was just a coincidence(considering he had a girlfriend at the time,as I later found out) but it made me feel special. My heart FLEW out of my chest over that. I once again felt singled out by him,singled out in a positive manner. All of these stupid LITTLE things caused me to fall head over heels in love with him. I miss the spring semester. Mostly i miss HIM. I never see him at school anymore and it bums me out,even makes me depressed at times,coz I don't get to talk to him anymore. I don't get to just sit there with him,sometimes in complete silence,and sometimes talking alot. I miss all of it and I miss him.
Posted by at No comments:

Friday, April 20, 2012

he just aint right! lol


    • somehow that sounds SO wrong. "i thought u like fruity shit"
    • LOL
  • 17 minutes ago
    Michael Schmitt
    • ill get 1 pack and see how it goes
    • yeah
    • my shit was multi color cuz of these Dinobytes LOL
  • 16 minutes ago
    Kathleen Dillon
    • LOL
  • 16 minutes ago
    Michael Schmitt
    • RAINBOW SHIT
  • 16 minutes ago
    Kathleen Dillon
    • thx 4 sharing that
    • LMAO
  • 16 minutes ago
    Michael Schmitt
    • too bad i didnt have a SD card yet
    • cant take a photo
    • had to flush it down
    • i told my mom to let it sit there till i got back
Posted by at No comments:
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)