I love my job lol

let me tell u how my day went today: they had me cover breaks at the door-twice! 1 of those times,somebody asked my awesome manager to meet him at the manager's office. he asked if he was in trouble,and the other guy said, "yep. I want u to turn in ur keys and ur truck. and all ur money." LOL omg,I LOVE these ppl I work w/!! *wipes tear from eye from laughing so hard.* later on, my boss man tells me he wants things done a certain way then adds, "I'm not yelling at u." So like the BRAT that I am,I pretended to bawl my eyes out and say,"Yes u are. ur so mean." LOL!! I couldn't help it. he's FUN to mess w/. XD LOL! the funny thing is,I don't think he realized I was teasing at 1st coz he was quick to say, "No,I'm not." and he sounded a little freaked out for a second there. lol.  uhh dude, aren't u used to me teasing u YET?? I am ALWAYS picking on u. haha,I can't BELIEVE he fell for it. He wasn't supposed to actually think I was upset. LOL! I even had a grin on my face as I did it; I was TOTALLY LAUGHING! wow! he is sooooooooo fun to tease. XD lol then,I talked to 1 of my other coworkers about that,and he had his OWN story to tell me of how he messed w/this manager, good. LOL! the guy works outside,and he was telling me he got the manager real good 1 night. He went up to him w/a straight face and told him, "u locked me out. I was standing out there in the cold rain. I'm dripping wet,cold,hungry,and lonely." or something along those lines,and he said our manager's face was sooooo red.  oh man. I wish I coulda been there when THAT happened. tee hee. I LOVE this place I work at. I work w/so many goof balls. XD LOL

They Just Don't Know

she's a romantic at heart,but avoids relationships like the plague.
faith in true love is lost for good.
scattered to the wind.
the pain from years past still cuts deep.
"you're just a negative thinker." they always say,
but they just don't know how deep this pain goes.
they just don't know the FEAR that enslaves her.
they just don't know how emotionally/mentally screwed up she is.
they just...don't know...

I actually had my 1st dream about him

I keep TRYING to go back to fantasizing about Grant Wilson,but it's no use! I can't stop thinking about my cute manager. gah! lol Anyway,I fell asleep on the couch earlier and ended up having a dream about HIM. I'm trying to remember how exactly this went: ok,so in the dream,I was for some reason,up by the registers and there was a pole,like the kind used to support the ceiling. this pole had a little compartment in it w/stuff I felt like I had to watch because it was left open,and I thought security or whoever would be coming back to deal w/it. anyway,I had a chair there too,so I decided to sit THERE,and take my break since I feel my like I couldn't get up and leave. anyway, my cutie boss walks by, and he's grinning at me. He must have walked back and forth a few times like he was checking to see if I ever finally got up and left. I felt like I might get in trouble for sitting there coz he didn't realize the situation nore know I was taking a break. But all he did was smile so much at me. I love that smile. ^_^ dammit! *kicks self* lol He came over to me a few times and started teasing me/chatting w/me n stuff. He even asked y I was over there and said I didn't have to sit there and watch that or something. I dunno. I wish I could explain the details better,but I can't remember enough of them. That was my dream in a nutshell. He couldn't seem to pull himself away from ME anymore than I can fight this crush/attraction/pull I feel towards HIM. oh man! *groans* =( do u realize how long I have been crushing on Grant Wilson before I finally had even 1 dream of HIM?? like weeks at least. However,I've been crushing on my boss for not even an entire week yet,and I've already gotten my 1st dream about him a few hours ago,dozing on the couch. LOL too bad he's MARRIED like Grant Wilson. =(

it's def OFFICIAL! -_-

since I can't get my best friend to talk to me,and she's the only 1 I can vent this kind of thing to,I'm stuck blogging about it. lol it's OFFICIAL: I am crushing so MUCH on my manager. there,I said it! -_- I shall feel the wrath of my shame,for I have a crush on my boss. dammit! >.< he's only 3 years older than I am,but he's my BOSS! not to mention,he's married. I saw his wedding ring. I don't stand a chance w/him AT ALL! ugh! life was so much simpler crushing on Grant Wilson. DAMN! >.< it's like, ever since a few days ago when he teased me about flirting w/him,that damn power of suggestion got ahold of me,and I started crushing on him.

 I started thinking,"well he is cute." "he's a cutie." FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! REALLY?? OH,COME ON!! I can't believe I LIKE the guy! this SUCKS! I can still talk to him for the most part,but I'm finding it hard to talk to him at times because I LIKE him now,and crushing on a guy ALWAYS makes me NERVOUS around him! UGH!!! *bangs head on wall* my heart is always fluttering/pounding whenever I see him; I can't keep this stupid grin off my face!rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! it's DISGUSTING!! >.< besides,I usually HATE managers and even if I don't and I get along w/them,I NEVER develop a stupid CRUSH on any of em!! EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  barfaroni and cheese. *pukes* I think the same thing happened to me again w/this guy that happened w/another 1 I liked. I suspected he might have a thing for me and in the end,I ended up being the 1 w/ the stupid CRUSH! >.<  I actually wish I COULD hang out w/him more. He is so COOL! he is a MANAGER tho. I think even just hanging out as friends outside of work would be frowned upon. He's AWESOME! He is so NICE,and he is so FUNNY! u can tease him ENDLESSLY,and he just goes along w/it. most managers aren't that cool. =) He even kept me company the other night while I waited for my mom to come pick me up. =) He was even offering to drive me home,but my mom was already almost there. lol

CRAP! y do I have to LIKE HIM SO MUCH??!!! I've only known him like a week and a half-ish??? lol
*sighs* to quote Helga Pataki,"Criminey,I'm a basket case!" lol I HAVE A CRUSH ON MY MANAGER! AHHHHHHHHHHHH! RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! LOL

I think I should send this to MY boss. think he'll like it? LOL

  If you want to irritate your boss and lose your job, follow these suggestions.  Don't show up for work, and don't call in. Let your boss assume you are caught in traffic and will just be late.  Then, when you don't show up and your boss calls, don't answer your phone. Instead, enjoy your day doing whatever you want to do.  When you go to work the following day, don't explain your absence. Just say you didn't feel like coming to work.  Your boss will be baffled by your lack of an excuse. Take a long lunch break, and eat such a big meal that you have to take an afternoon nap.  When your boss finds you with your head on your desk and wakes you up, assume it's quitting time and walk out the door.  By now, your boss will be furious with you, but don't turn around. And don't go to work the next day. You won't have a job.

I got too much on my mind at the moment.

Ok,I'm adjusting to my new job nicely. I mean,so far,I LOVE it! every1 there is SO NICE-even the MANAGERS! Speaking of managers,rather I like it or not,I think I may have some kind of "bond" w/ the manager. He's the same 1 that interviewed me,and we hit it off from the start. I knew I impressed him and had a good feeling he was gonna hire me-which he did. He's a goof ball,and he and the other managers are so understanding about me needing to learn my job since I'm new and all. This guy is the BEST! He's a trip;loves to goof off. Same as me. He's already said I seemed so familiar to him and like I was some1 he might have known in a past life time. I was kinda paranoid,wondering if this guy might have a thing for me. I don't want this because I'm just too skittish for relationships. I can't be in 1. it just ISN'T for me. I'm terrified of getting into another relationship again, for reasons I will not discuss.

Because of this,I do NOT want him asking me out. I would have to turn him down,and I might find myself out of a job as fast I got 1 again. That's what I was kinda worried about. He seems like a GREAT guy,but I just can't be in relationships. They're not for me. My skittishness/nervousness and various other reasons,prevent me from having a successful relationship. I don't like the way I am,but I do not know how to get over my issues. =( The thing is,I managed to clock out on time for a change,and my mom wasn't there yet to pick me up,so I sat out side the door on a bench,to wait. Then suddenly I heard, "hey,r u ok?" and the manager drove up to me. I told him every thing was fine,and I was waiting on Mom. He offered to drive me home,but my mom was already on the way so instead,I ended up sitting in his truck w/him,just talking. And he started asking me some personal questions.

Stuff like, if I have a boyfriend,kids,and if I'm dating/looking for some1 to date. THOSE kind of questions make me feel SO uncomfortable. I don't like to talk about it. I can talk about it w/my best friend,but that's because SHE understands. She knows my issues and even,has some of the same issues/agrees w/me. But nobody ELSE understands me,so I don't like to talk about these things w/any1 else. Anyway,on Sunday when I worked,I was talking to this same manager,and I happened to notice a gold ring on his left hand. I do believe he is married,yet it seems he is interested in me? I hope not. The other thing that's making nauseous as hell(metophorically speaking of course) is...get ready for this...I'm developing a crush on him. =( He IS in my same generation,tho. he's only about 3 years older than I am. He was telling me he once had this car that was an '83',and that it was a yr older than he was. So he's...27,at least. At least we're close enough in age,but I do believe he is married,and I am NOT ready for relationships again. Yes, I admit, I am crushing on him,a little. But I MUST resist my feelings/attractions etc. like I have done for MANY years. Instead of the fear of rejection like it used to be,it's millions of OTHER fears. =,(  Oh yeah,1 more thing,...he said I have a great personality. I think he might have been flirting w/me a little. tee hee. MAN, I wish could afford therapy. I think it's gonna TAKE therapy for me to get over these issues I have. T__T

The thing is too tho,he's a MANAGER,and I work under him. We couldn't date each other anyway,so I guess this a LITTLE bit of a relief to me,but it also makes me so damn MAD that I'm getting a crush on him. I mean,WHAT THE HELL??! NOOOOO! NO NO NO NO NO! >.<  I'm fine w/crushing on Grant Wilson,thank u very much!! He's all the crushing I need! I don't need to crush on somebody else! AT ALL! >.<

Why am I so ANGRY all the time?

Not to air my dirty laundry or anything,but I kinda need to see if I can give myself some "self-help", here. This is prolly what a psychologist does,is ask ppl what specific things make them angry and to make a list of what pisses them off so here I go. Let's see if I can get to the root of my own issues and resolve them.
Ok, let's see...I think my frustration go back at LEAST 5-7 years ago.


hmm,maybe it started w/...ok in high school, I had fallen in love for the 1st time,and it was w/a friend of mine. Or so I THOUGHT he was my friend. I started off getting jealous at times because he would hang over this girl at school. She wasn't even pretty. She was some fat,ugly thing.(gatta remember,I was only 16 and in love for the 1st time. I was NOT a very nice person. lol. this was how I thought back then.) I used to think, "She is the type that no guy would look at twice,yet this fucken COW has his attention-even gets hugs from him,and he won't pay a SPECK of attention to ME. I would turn heads of other guys. I turned DOWN other guys because I was holding out for HIM,and instead I'm in competition w/a fat cow.  I mean,what's the good of being skinny and beautiful when ur man still won't notice u,and he picks a fattie over u?? it's like a slap to the face.
I was also, in the worstest position to be in...this guy was somebody my mom knew..worse both our mom were FRIENDS. add to that, I was friends w/his sister,1st. If she had ever found out I was crazy about her brother,she might have avoided me like a diesease. lol Ok, the bottom line was: I was head over heel in love w/him,my mom found out(OF COURSE),and she told HIS mom( OF COURSE). At 1st,he just simply teased me about it but eventually,he got to where he ignored me all the time and acted like I had a disease. He went out of his WAY to avoid me. We were friends..that is until I developed feelings for him,and he found out. I was in high school,16 years old,and my emotions were running HIGH. 


I started to feel so HEART BROKEN over the way he was treating me,and at the time my family was looking to move to another town,so I was all for it at first coz I just wanted to get away and not ever to even RISK running into him again. I figured the only way I was gonna mend my broken heart was to just LEAVE and start all over. That ended up being a bad idea,coz in the midst of all this, I had been failing required classes that I had to keep re-taking, and I had taken after school classes to catch up on my credits. I had finally caught up on my credits, JUST in time to move in the middle of 11th grade and moved to another county. This county was so fucked up. They required MORE credits to be caught up than the 1 I lived in. Also,they had this BULLSHIT rule: if u have 6 or more unexcused absences for the SEMESTER,u automatically fail. Yep. No matter if u made up the work u missed,did other work,passed ur tests. etc. fuck no! they fail u! which is EXACTLY what they did to me. On top of that, I couldn't pass the FCAT,so I just got sick of beating my head against the wall and at my mother's suggestion, dropped out.


anyway,moving forward, about a yr or 2 after I dropped out, my mom got back in touch w/her stupid bitch of a "friend"(my half bro's mom),and she convinced me to go back to school in another state and try again. She had been right,that it was much easier up north,and I was making friends and adjusting quite well. The problem was,this stupid bitch was STILL holding a grudge on my parents,and she took it out on me the whole time I was there. She verbally abused me all the time,and to add insult to injury,she kicked me out in the middle of the school yr. I never got my high school diploma,and I never got my driver's license. The main 2 things I was up there for. That,and finally getting to meet my brother. Then,shortly after I came back home, I was right back to,not able to pass math,so I can get my GED,and I ended up getting stuck working at walmart. it wasn't TOO bad until we moved yet again,and the store we transferred to,SUCKED! they treated ppl like SHIT! I was so stressed out ALL the time working that place,and trying not strangle stupid ppl. I also made the mistake of dating a coworker who,turned out to be a real ASS,and a real DUMB ass! He was OBSESSED w/sex and marijuana,and partying. I soon realized that in order to have "love" u have to open ur legs for it,so I've ben avoiding relaitonships like the damn plague. I used to be a romantic at heart(kinda still am),but even THAT has been ruined for me coz love is always TAINTED w/sex. Just about every1 in this stupid world knows NOTHING of true love. All they know is LUST/SEX,and w/o it they dump u. So...hmm I never have a good love life or a good financial/independant life. That's another thing that frustrates me,I'm 25,and I can't move out from home. I HATE it! >.<


My parents also drive me bonkers because they want me to be their little Cinderella around the house just because I have no job. well,neither does my mom,but what she mostly does, is scans her pic into the comp,and takes off,sometimes w/her brother,but mostly w/his room mate all day. Wish I had some friends I could take off w/. I'M the young 1 who should be starting her life,here. wtf? Oh yeah,that's the other thing that angers me..just as I should finally be spreading my wings and getting out on my own,it timed PERFECTLY that the economy went under. thx alot! >.< I guess this is y I feel so ANGRY and HOPELESS all the time. I'm pretty sure there is MORE and if I think of it,I post it tomorrow,sometime. >.<

the multi-topic blog

well,the FANTASTIC news is: I FINALLY got a job! I got just in time for July 4th, so maybe that's y I still haven't been called in for orientation. I hope they call me in tomorrow. The manager REALLY liked me. He's some guy that looks like he's about my age or a little older. He kinda looks like Andrew,an old coworker of mine back in my days working at hellmart(a.k.a. walmart). I can tell it isn't him,tho. anywho,this manager SWEARS I look familliar.I tried telling him he might recognize me from walmart since I used to work there for almost 4 years. maybe THAT'S where he's seen me. He says he feels like he KNOWS me-like we were old friends or something. I've never seen him before. He looked familliar to me too,but that's because he looks just like somebody I used to work w/,so that mystery has been quickly solved. lol Anywho,the bad news is ONCE again-OF COURSE,my wallet disappeared..in it my I.D. which I need in order to do my drug test,AND I will need it at orientation. I never could find my wallet,so I was FORCED to get a new 1...again. I've already had to replace my I.D. once before. =( I was really pissed. coz I had to jump thru all these hoops to get a new I.D. my ss card ALSO disappeared w/the LAST wallet that got lost,so I had to go to the SS office and order a new 1. just for the record...doing the drug test took NO time at all,but the whole day was long and tedious JUST because I couldn't find my wallet and had to replace my I.D. >.< now I'm sitting back waiting for the call to start work. I hope they call tomorrow.

In other news..for some odd ball reason, I KEEP having dreams about my old class in college. I've been in college for a YR now,and of all the classes I've had, I keep dreaming about my ENGLISH class. This was a class I retook,since I dropped it the term before. I'm not even dreaming about the 1ST TIME I took this class,but the 2nd time when I retook it. what the hell?? I am ALWAYS dreaming about this class,and for the life of me I can't figure out WHY??! I don't have it every night,but I do dream about it OFTEN-often enough  to wonder, WHY? Oh, I am also, always having dreams about it being the last day of class,and my whole class has passed and is leaving,but  I'm the 1 who failed the class and the only that did. I can't understand y I always get this dream because in REALITY, I PASSED this class! even the last day, I was surprised to find that I had passed the class and like nearly the rest of my class, I got to leave that day and not stay behind to try to pass 1 more time. English is also a subject I'm actually GOOD at. I can see me having this problem w/MATH but ENGLISH?? I had another 1 of those dreams today,and I've been having these dreams since right before finals in the spring. I know,because I was worried about being able to pass the final essay sine I had trouble w/it all term. I managed to pass tho,but even LONG after I passed and moved on,I AM stilll having these dreams. WHAT GIVES??!

Ok,I had 1 more thing I wanted to blog about,but I think I'll just do a new blog for that 1. I think that particular topic,should have its own blog.