I realize he's just a BOY. yep. a boy. coz a REAL MAN would NOT be so disrespectful. He's only a teenager but still. I knew guys in high school(still teenagers then) who were far more respectful to women than this guy. I can tell u, he makes me miss and long for Rob even MORE because Rob woulda got PISSED at this guy. He used to get pissed off at other guys who talked like that because my man actually believed in RESPECT. u respect ur lady. u love her and protect her. u don't kiss(in this case fuck) and tell. My coworker ANNOYS me. don't get me wrong. he is FUNNY,but in general,he is a disrespectful ASS! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this 1: imagine..u break up w/ur gf/bf because he/she cheats on u..BUT u decide to still FUCK this person. EVEN when they have a new man/woman. now,if u hated it when it was done to u,y the FUCK would u go BACK to her/him and enable that person to do the same wrong to others that was done to u? that's him! he thought I would "delight" in hearing how he still screws her EVEN THO he "can't stand" her. really??? r u that MUCH of a moron???
he started naming all these names of guys she cheated on WITH him! smh..when I asked y would u wanna sleep w/some1 u supposedly "can't stand" his moronic response was, "coz it's fun." then he says, "I'm faithful once I'm in a relationship." yeah right! why do I have a hard time believing that? *rolls eyes* people fucking irritate me. I wonder if he knows I just basically put him down? prolly not. he's kinda stupid. right after he tells me all this, I said, "that's why I stay away from relationships and haven't even dated in a WHILE. I miss Rob soooo much. Rob showed me that some men actually DO have class,it's not all about sex,love IS real,a man IS capable of LOVING a woman as the woman she is not for her body,and yes,some men DO respect a lady and treat her as such. I need him back in my life to remind me what a real man is like coz I'm starting to "forget." =( oh..and I GURANTEE u if Rob was here today,he would BITCH this guy out. Not only did he GREATLY disapprove guys who treat women like sex objects/abuse them,but the fact that *I* was the 1 this clown talked to would've further pissed Rob off. He was so protective of me when we were just friends and was even more so when we became a couple. Rob would have been ANGRY to a tee finding out his own girlfriend was shown this much disrespect. so yeah,the asshole made me miss my sweet,loving,protective,respectful boyfriend even MORE.
Tuesday, June 30, 2015
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Hoping this will help my faith out some..
I'm just gonna make a list of prayers that actually HAVE been answered! a lot of my prayers go unanswered,but I have had some that were. I'm attempting to make my faith in God grow if it at all possible coz I'm having a crisis of faith,so here goes...the LIST...
Not the exact order of prayers either,and these r the only ones I remember atm..
1. Before Rob actually died, I woke up feeling so terrified (for no reason I can come up w/ for feeling that way) that something happened to him that I actually cried my eyes out and prayed over him constantly. I think when he didn't text me back was when the panic started to set in. Well after praying over and over that he would be ok,he finally,eventually texted me back,so I knew he was ok. false alarm.
2. Both when getting the job at Sam's and at Publix.
3. That I would do well in my interview at Publix coz I was a nervous wreck and have been so bad w/interviews lately.
4. When I was on my way to work (at Sam's),and my brakes weren't cooperating. fortunately, they didn't start messing up until I was already in the parking lot. I was going slow,but the car wouldn't stop,so I prayed there was nobody coming coz I blew right thru the stop sign.
5. I think I might have prayed about any chance I might have w/Rob since I was falling in love w/him and still scared to tell him..but I can't remember exactly. I did however,get my guy. =)
6. Ironically, my prayer was answered about calling off and LYING my ass off,so I could go to Emilee's grad party coz I am so SICK of missing out on family events. However,I felt intense anxiety the whole time and even the next day,but I didn't get in trouble at least. I hated lying to a certain guy I'm pretty much BFFs with,but I couldn't risk even telling HIM the truth considering the position he's in. Maybe the anxiety is God telling me, "I will cover for u and let u do this,but u will feel miserable and paranoid about it too. let this be a lesson to u about lying."
(who knows? I'm only guessing. I don't KNOW for SURE).
7. Ebony is constantly in and out of her spells and seems like she will die at any moment. I asked that she not go yet coz I can't handle all the deaths going on at 1 time still. particularly after losing Rob. =(
8. This 1 happened in a dream,and I was certainly a different person. It was like these ufos and/or planes or whatever they were were targeting ME. kinda like w/spirits only these were big air crafts dive bombing my yard/near my window,and it seemed like they were after ME. nobody else even saw/heard them. just me. I got so scared, I was shaking and crying and asking God to make them go away,and after a few minutes or so, I did stop hearing them,and they seemed to "vanish",yet I still felt paranoid throughout the rest of the dream,but they did NOT come back.
9. I think it was when I worked at Sam's,and I stupidly took a horseradish pill for spider veins. Anyway, after just clocking in for the day, I constantly felt like I was gonna hurl,and I PLEADED w/God for 30 minutes to make it stop: either vomit or leave me alone. It finally passed,and I lasted my whole shift after all.
10. I might have been praying the time I was pulled over too,and the cop only pulled me over to tell me I couldn't drive w/the high beams on(I had been speeding a little). Talk about a close call.
11. I didn't quite pray as much as I bitched( sorry, God =( ) when my buddy at work almost moved away coz his bf found a job opportunity in Orlando or something,and they were about to move away. I was so upset I admit. Seems like every guy I get close too(even in a non-romantic way) is eventually removed from my life,and I was upset. "First Rob now Jake too? r u gonna let me keep ANY of my friends/boyfriends?" Again-Sorry, God. Well I was making myself learn how to cope w/o him being there when I found out that, for whatever reason, Jake's bf didn't take the job,so they didn't move after all. That was sort of a prayer that was answered. Poor Jake tho. I think he really wanted to go,and his guy prolly had a great opportunity waiting for him too. Sorry Jake. =(
12. For the 1st time ever, I prayed to fall in love with an AMAZING guy who loves me,and I didn't want to hurt him because I didn't feel the same way. now I do,and we've been together 2 months now(September-Nov).
Not the exact order of prayers either,and these r the only ones I remember atm..
1. Before Rob actually died, I woke up feeling so terrified (for no reason I can come up w/ for feeling that way) that something happened to him that I actually cried my eyes out and prayed over him constantly. I think when he didn't text me back was when the panic started to set in. Well after praying over and over that he would be ok,he finally,eventually texted me back,so I knew he was ok. false alarm.
2. Both when getting the job at Sam's and at Publix.
3. That I would do well in my interview at Publix coz I was a nervous wreck and have been so bad w/interviews lately.
4. When I was on my way to work (at Sam's),and my brakes weren't cooperating. fortunately, they didn't start messing up until I was already in the parking lot. I was going slow,but the car wouldn't stop,so I prayed there was nobody coming coz I blew right thru the stop sign.
5. I think I might have prayed about any chance I might have w/Rob since I was falling in love w/him and still scared to tell him..but I can't remember exactly. I did however,get my guy. =)
6. Ironically, my prayer was answered about calling off and LYING my ass off,so I could go to Emilee's grad party coz I am so SICK of missing out on family events. However,I felt intense anxiety the whole time and even the next day,but I didn't get in trouble at least. I hated lying to a certain guy I'm pretty much BFFs with,but I couldn't risk even telling HIM the truth considering the position he's in. Maybe the anxiety is God telling me, "I will cover for u and let u do this,but u will feel miserable and paranoid about it too. let this be a lesson to u about lying."
(who knows? I'm only guessing. I don't KNOW for SURE).
7. Ebony is constantly in and out of her spells and seems like she will die at any moment. I asked that she not go yet coz I can't handle all the deaths going on at 1 time still. particularly after losing Rob. =(
8. This 1 happened in a dream,and I was certainly a different person. It was like these ufos and/or planes or whatever they were were targeting ME. kinda like w/spirits only these were big air crafts dive bombing my yard/near my window,and it seemed like they were after ME. nobody else even saw/heard them. just me. I got so scared, I was shaking and crying and asking God to make them go away,and after a few minutes or so, I did stop hearing them,and they seemed to "vanish",yet I still felt paranoid throughout the rest of the dream,but they did NOT come back.
9. I think it was when I worked at Sam's,and I stupidly took a horseradish pill for spider veins. Anyway, after just clocking in for the day, I constantly felt like I was gonna hurl,and I PLEADED w/God for 30 minutes to make it stop: either vomit or leave me alone. It finally passed,and I lasted my whole shift after all.
10. I might have been praying the time I was pulled over too,and the cop only pulled me over to tell me I couldn't drive w/the high beams on(I had been speeding a little). Talk about a close call.
11. I didn't quite pray as much as I bitched( sorry, God =( ) when my buddy at work almost moved away coz his bf found a job opportunity in Orlando or something,and they were about to move away. I was so upset I admit. Seems like every guy I get close too(even in a non-romantic way) is eventually removed from my life,and I was upset. "First Rob now Jake too? r u gonna let me keep ANY of my friends/boyfriends?" Again-Sorry, God. Well I was making myself learn how to cope w/o him being there when I found out that, for whatever reason, Jake's bf didn't take the job,so they didn't move after all. That was sort of a prayer that was answered. Poor Jake tho. I think he really wanted to go,and his guy prolly had a great opportunity waiting for him too. Sorry Jake. =(
12. For the 1st time ever, I prayed to fall in love with an AMAZING guy who loves me,and I didn't want to hurt him because I didn't feel the same way. now I do,and we've been together 2 months now(September-Nov).
Thursday, June 4, 2015
my VERY unusual dream
I had a dream about being a boy who was apparently haunted. yeah, I was a BOY. I think maybe a pre-teen boy or however old boys are when their voice starts to change coz I heard in "my" voice what sounded half like a little boy/half like a teenager. Anyway, I kept seeing from inside ufos or huge planes or SOMETHING flying too close to my house. they would look like they're landing in my yard or like they were gonna smash right into my windows or slider doors because of how CLOSE they got the house. It was scary,and I only got frustrated coz I seemed to be the ONLY 1 seeing and hearing all this. I'm not sure when I went outside(I don't think I would've gone outside. I was too scared). It was like if ur house is built smack dab in the middle of the airport,so all the planes r flying AROUND u right BY u. that's how loud these ufo things were. some looked like really huge planes but others I'm not sure what they were. I was afraid someone or something was targeting ME. I was soooo scared. I kept going from room to room only to continue to see things flying straight at the windows. I swear they were coming for ME!!
At 1 point I somehow ended up at a different house in my neighborhood(I don't remember leaving the house)that was sorta empty,but I think my "parents" still owned coz I just walked right in there. It was 1 "we" used to live in. Anyway,I guess the move was recent coz "my" neighbors didn't know my "family" had moved. I think around this time is when I prayed. I actually said this, "God PLEASE help me? I know I don't really believe in u,but will u please protect me? please make it go away?" like that the commotion slowed down,but I wouldn't say it ceased entirely. Around that time I looked out the windows of this other house I'm now in and saw a cop outside. I think she picking up her little girl from the bus. There was another 1 of my neighbors walking by also(I think she was an elderly lady),and they both walked towards the house I'm in and knocked or rang the doorbell. I opened it and let them in. They asked me if "my" parents were home,and I told them that we actually don't live in that house anymore but moved just a block over or something. the 1 lady and her kid kinda hung around,but it was the other lady who actually kept talking to me. I was still looking out the windows and feeling paranoid but also much safer because I had a few people w/me. They got a point were they were ready to go home and wanted me to go home too. I didn't want to. I was afraid of stepping outside. the 1 lady and her child left,and the 1 I had been talking to I had BEGGED her to walk me home. I was still scared to step out there-especially alone.
I think I mentioned the things going on to my "neighbors" as well but like my "parents",they noticed nothing and thought I was being paranoid/getting scared over nothing. Once again, I heard my voice in my ears when I spoke, so I was def a boy in this dream, lol. So I convinced my neighbor to walk me home as I turned onto and then was passing a street before my "house",I saw some creepy looking homeless guy or someone just looking at me w/this mean stare as if he DARED me to look at him and say something. I wondered if he was some1 to fear too or just a creepy bum guy. not sure. I walked passed him as fast as I could too. When I got back to my house,my neighbor wouldn't even walk me to the door. She stayed out in the street and watched me go in before she continued on home. I was still freaked out,so I hauled ass into the house. I saw or herd no more signs of the weird planes and other flying objects,but I was still shaken up and feeling very panicky. When I walked in, my "parents" were going thru boxes or something. They had a mess of things in the living room. I think I had a little sister coz I now saw a little girl of maybe..infant or toddler age? I can't recall. I know she wasn't scared either. I was the only 1 who had experienced this trauma. My "dad" looks at me and says, "oh good. ur back. u can start on the garage." Apparently the garage is also a scary place my character has been before because I got scared and was almost crying and BEGGING him not to make me go to the garage,but he wasn't letting up on me,so I slowly and fearfully made my way to the garage. Only I never got there before I woke up. lol
My point is that apparently God FINALLY protected me this time even tho I still felt in fear. I no longer saw or heard those creepy ufos coming towards my house after I made that prayer. I say God finally protected me because he wasn't protecting me from the other night terrors I was getting. So.yay..maybe there's hope for my faith after all. =)
At 1 point I somehow ended up at a different house in my neighborhood(I don't remember leaving the house)that was sorta empty,but I think my "parents" still owned coz I just walked right in there. It was 1 "we" used to live in. Anyway,I guess the move was recent coz "my" neighbors didn't know my "family" had moved. I think around this time is when I prayed. I actually said this, "God PLEASE help me? I know I don't really believe in u,but will u please protect me? please make it go away?" like that the commotion slowed down,but I wouldn't say it ceased entirely. Around that time I looked out the windows of this other house I'm now in and saw a cop outside. I think she picking up her little girl from the bus. There was another 1 of my neighbors walking by also(I think she was an elderly lady),and they both walked towards the house I'm in and knocked or rang the doorbell. I opened it and let them in. They asked me if "my" parents were home,and I told them that we actually don't live in that house anymore but moved just a block over or something. the 1 lady and her kid kinda hung around,but it was the other lady who actually kept talking to me. I was still looking out the windows and feeling paranoid but also much safer because I had a few people w/me. They got a point were they were ready to go home and wanted me to go home too. I didn't want to. I was afraid of stepping outside. the 1 lady and her child left,and the 1 I had been talking to I had BEGGED her to walk me home. I was still scared to step out there-especially alone.
I think I mentioned the things going on to my "neighbors" as well but like my "parents",they noticed nothing and thought I was being paranoid/getting scared over nothing. Once again, I heard my voice in my ears when I spoke, so I was def a boy in this dream, lol. So I convinced my neighbor to walk me home as I turned onto and then was passing a street before my "house",I saw some creepy looking homeless guy or someone just looking at me w/this mean stare as if he DARED me to look at him and say something. I wondered if he was some1 to fear too or just a creepy bum guy. not sure. I walked passed him as fast as I could too. When I got back to my house,my neighbor wouldn't even walk me to the door. She stayed out in the street and watched me go in before she continued on home. I was still freaked out,so I hauled ass into the house. I saw or herd no more signs of the weird planes and other flying objects,but I was still shaken up and feeling very panicky. When I walked in, my "parents" were going thru boxes or something. They had a mess of things in the living room. I think I had a little sister coz I now saw a little girl of maybe..infant or toddler age? I can't recall. I know she wasn't scared either. I was the only 1 who had experienced this trauma. My "dad" looks at me and says, "oh good. ur back. u can start on the garage." Apparently the garage is also a scary place my character has been before because I got scared and was almost crying and BEGGING him not to make me go to the garage,but he wasn't letting up on me,so I slowly and fearfully made my way to the garage. Only I never got there before I woke up. lol
My point is that apparently God FINALLY protected me this time even tho I still felt in fear. I no longer saw or heard those creepy ufos coming towards my house after I made that prayer. I say God finally protected me because he wasn't protecting me from the other night terrors I was getting. So.yay..maybe there's hope for my faith after all. =)
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