creepy dream alert!!!!

I just had a 28 days later related dream. In my dream: I was in my room,I happened to look down and see Idelise's iphone on my floor. I found it odd that she left it there. I know there is no way in hell she would forget or leave behind her CELL PH,especially her IPHONE! I think I looked out my window and noticed there was NO1 around...I didn't even see cars. It was TOO empty to be normal. I walked out of my room calling my parents names. I saw my dad sitting in a chair just a few feet in front of me,yet his face was kinda hidden in the shadows. He didn't move or speak at all. I saw my mom in the dining room, by the table,turned slightly around looking at me. Not as if listening but as if waiting on me to dare move before she pounced. I still said, "Mom? Dad?" but they just both looked at me w/o no response,and I had a very bad feeling about them,so I left. When I got outside,I grabbed my bike,fully intending n leaving w/it. We suddenly had a fenced in yard,and I jumped on my bike riding up to the gate. I intended to open the gate and just ride right on out but for some reason,the gate was locked! It had a chain and padlock on it,so I somehow got the bike to stay balanced long enough,I stood up on it,and jumped over the fence. As soon as I was out in the street suddenly "people" started showing up. ZOMBIES if u will. I had some1 try to come after me,but I jumped into the air in my "flying" motion and out of their reach. Then a few more ppl started spilling onto the streets. I just kept myself flying but like in all my dreams like this,if I don't keep my arms flapping every second,I end up falling back to the ground,so I flew and found  some really tall electric poles and transformers if u will. Mind u,they were REALLY high up. Like a bird,I flew up to those and rested on the top of them to stay out of reach of the zombies,but more of them were coming,and I didn't know well they could climb or anything. I couldn't help noticing there were MORE telephone poles, all in a row. TONS of em. and like a water tower,they had stairs leading around them that went way up. As far as I could see,this was my only option,so I started climbing these stairs(which thankfully,were lit up). I happened to look down,see a red car pull up on the road beside the tower I was climbing(I was already several feet UP from the ground by then,and I saw what looked like Eric or Martin(my coworkers) in electronics, look up to me and call out, "GET IN!" I thought I might be saved, like maybe there were other survivors like me after all,but by the time I got to the ground,something didn't seem right. He suddenly had his head turned AWAY from me like he was getting something and there was no way in HELL I was getting in that car until I was CERTAIN. I said,, "Look at me!" He turned to look,and his eyes were RED like he was stoned or something,and his skin was starting to take on the same palish tone as a zombie,so I said, "Hell no." and I backed off and ran right back to my tower and started climbing it. When I looked,I saw I was passing landings that were right outside the stairs. like floors going up,and the only thing separating me from the landings was the railing. As I looked,I saw there were CARS up there. They didn't look like they had crashed up there,but there were cars sorta parked up there,and I saw ppl in them. Dead or sleeping ppl(most likely dead) that magically "awoke" when I walked by,and they were zombies waiting to get out and attack. I'd say the most disturbing was 1 of the cars had a man and 2 little kids in the car. 1 little kid was in the back seat and the other up front. The little 1 up front was no more than a 1 or 2 yrs old,and was "sleeping" or "dead" then he suddenly turns his head towards me(the father and other little kid do at the same time as well),and thru the closed window, looks me dead in the eye w/red eyes and hisses like a snake. In fact,every car full of dead ppl I pass,it goes like that. They "wake up" look at me red eyes,and hiss. I climbed floor after floor at 1st and this hapened everywhere. Finally I decided to look up above me to how many floors were left and saw the very top floor had even MORE zombies right above me,just waiting for me to get up there. I finally started fleeing back down stairs again. Actually, I think I jumped off the balcony somewhere and started to "fly" away again. Man that was creepy! lol

I haven't done 1 of these in AGES!

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Kat
Birthday: February 18
Birthplace: Tampa, Florida
Current Location: Sarasota, Florida
Eye Color: blue
Hair Color: Blonde and brown mix =)
Height: short =D lol
Right Handed or Left Handed: Right
Your Heritage:irish,italian,german and whatever else is in my gene pool, lol.
The Shoes You Wore Today: shapeups =)
Your Fears: failure. my very fears keeping me forever from the man I love.
Your Perfect Pizza: I'm not sure coz I like pizza in general. It can have almost anything on it, lol.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Get my license,get my dental work done,work up the nerve to tell Rob how I feel or at least,get to hang out w/him outside of work more often. =) I'm sure there r others,I just haven't thought of em yet. lol
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: nothing anymore. I don't really IM anymore. =/
Thoughts First Waking Up: Rob! I am ALWAYS thinking about him. ^_^ lol
Your Best Physical Feature: my hair-especially when I let it down..boy do the guys at work go NUTS when I do that. lol
Your Bedtime: Usually 2 or 3 in the morning..sometimes 4.
Your Most Missed Memory: It's hard to pick 1. I have quite a few favorites, lol. 1 of em is when my old manager was still at our store. Maaaaaaan did I EVER have fun picking on him. XD lol
Pepsi or Coke: lately, I've been liking the coke more which is weird because I used to like pepsi more.
MacDonalds or Burger King:  I hardly every go to either of them anymore.
Single or Group Dates: I wanna double date,but I wanna go w/my best friend and her boyfriend. lol I like single AND group dates.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: lipton I guess.
Chocolate or Vanilla: both! =D
Cappuccino or Coffee: either will do but capuccions R better =)
Do you Smoke: nope. but my love sure does. I wonder if I can convince him to quit..hmmm? lol
Do you Swear: who? me? HELL NO! lol
Do you Sing: sometimes.
Do you Shower Daily: what's it TO u?? writing a book?? freaking stalker! lol
Have you Been in Love: YES! soooo many times,and I am again NOW! I think I got it RIGHT this time! He is AAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZING! ^_^
Do you want to go to College: I'm in college NOW! Going for film baby! I love that kinda crap! =D lol
Do you want to get Married: I guess eventually. Can I just have a guy that will take things REALLLLY SLLLOOOOOW w/me? please? lol
Do you belive in yourself: yes and no lol
Do you get Motion Sickness: so far not yet. lol
Do you think you are Attractive: ask the guys ;) =D
Are you a Health Freak: def not! why do u think I can't lose weight? lol
Do you get along with your Parents: most of the time. lol
Do you like Thunderstorms: CHYEAH! I love em! ^_^
Do you play an Instrument: Nope
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: nope
In the past month have you Smoked: def not
In the past month have you been on Drugs: no freakin way man!
In the past month have you gone on a Date: nope. I hope I get to soon tho w/my sweet heart from work. ;) =D
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: yep
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: not a box,but I did get a little package of em from the vending machine at work a few times. lol
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: I've never had it
In the past month have you been on Stage: not even in the past YEAR. lol
In the past month have you been Dumped: nope.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: no way lol
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: No
Ever been Drunk: yep,and I don't even drink. It's called being in love. It's almost as bad if not worse than actual dirnking. LOL
Ever been called a Tease: uhh not that I recall.
Ever been Beaten up: not entirely. I've had a black eye from some asshole in 5th grade,but other than that not really.
Ever Shoplifted: nope
How do you want to Die: hopefully in my sleep when I'm over 100 years old,and I slip so fast I never see it coming.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: Can't pinpoint the EXACT thing,but I wanna do something in film. Film editor,camera operator,producer,etc. SOMETHING along those lines. lol
What country would you most like to Visit: England, Ireland,Italy,France..that pretty much sums it up.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: brown. =)
Favourite Hair Color: black or brown.
Short or Long Hair: either
Height: as long as he's at least a good 2-3 inches taller than me,I'm fine. lol
Weight: I guess it doesn't matter. I normally like skinny guys,but the guy I'm falling for is kinda chubby,but so am I,so who cares? lol
Best Clothing Style: whatever fits his personality I guess. I dunno. lol
Number of Drugs I have taken: 0
Number of CDs I own: don't really do cds anymore.
Number of Piercings: 1 in each ear and that's all I want
Number of Tattoos: I don't have any,but my sweetie does,and they look good on him. =) lol
Number of things in my Past I Regret: At times I regret these things,but I also wouldn't be as smart as I am now if it weren't for the regrets. lol

thoughts...

this is EXACTLY why I hate being in love! it truly IS an emotional misery! 1 of the things involved w/being in love is JEALOUSY! I hate that I even felt that way earlier today. I only just realized how USED to be the ONLY woman I am. I am the only woman in maintenance(besides Lynn who's older ,and I don't see much of her anyway),and I was also the only woman who got 1 on 1 time w/Rob. I never realized it before jealousy reared its ugly head again. =(  I've seen him talk to this girl from the deli before,but he doesn't usualy stand there talking to her ENDLESSLY;asking her if she's ok and shit like that. It was a lot like how it is when WE talk. I don't get to talk to him much since assholes watch us,and we always have to be careful about socializing n such. ALL I wanted to do was let him know I was gonna go to lunch! that was it!! yet I got REALLY irritated when that damn GIRL stood there TALKING to him NONSTOP. HOGGING his attention. I'm ashamed to say I really wanted to gouge her eyes out. I ashamed to say I grumbled under my breathe a few times. things like, "he's MINE, bitch. back off." I laughed at myself coz I realized how ridiculous I was being,but I knew I wasn't entirely kidding. I felt like an angry dog baring my teeth.

 I've seen him talk to her MANY times before w/o feeling so jealous. What was so different about today?? WHY did I feel so JEALOUS??? Maybe because I've been getting him to myself for a WHILE now,something I haven't had before but recently have been getting. I've been getting so used to it. I've been getting used to having him myself and also,when he DOES talk to other ppl BESIDES me,it's usually other GUYS, or ppl he BRIEFLY talks to because it's related to work. I only just realized how much I was used to that. I'm not used to having to share him w/any1 else...ESPECIALLY not another FEMALE!!! >.< the last girl he talked to that often was some1 we r BOTH friends w/,and she's a lesbian anyway. I KNOW she's not competition, PLUS she wanted ME to be w/him anyway. She was 1 of the ppl who thought me and him would make a cute couple. I wish I didn't feel so jealous, so threatened. I feel like I have competition,and I hope I don't. I hope this 1 of those times that it's all in my mind.

Maybe if he was ALREADY mine, I wouldn't feel so jealous,but DAMN did I have to fight some urges.  I had to stare at the floor or something,so I wouldn't end up GLARING at her! lol I know if I were to tell this story to Samantha or ESPECIALLY Charity,she'd be all like, "0_o this is WHY I TOLD u to TELL him how u feel!" Charity especially would run w/this. lol I think maybe the only reason she hasn't been bugging me about confessing my feelings lately is because it's been way too busy w/the holidays n such. lol I'm praying so much that I pass my driving test,so I can get my license. I wanna start hanging out w/Rob sooooooooooo bad! He pretty much just told me he doesn't have much of a life. When I teased him about running away,he told me he wasn't running away anywhere; that he's only in 3 places: work,home,or...didn't catch what the 3rd 1 was he mentioned, lol. I am DEF taking advantage of this when I have my license. I can't wait to start hanging w/him. Maybe, away from the pressures of work and time and other ppl basically,I may finally confess my undying love to him. maybe. not making any promises. I might still chicken out. lol

self conflict

As her feelings grow stronger and times goes on longer, her friends tell her she should tell him.
She should tell him how she feels. She should profess her undying love-
an undying love that grows stronger by leaps and bounds w/each passing second,but she still cannot.
Why is this so hard? Why does she find it so DIFFICULT to tell him how she feels? to even say she's only having a crush is more than she can bear.
Last time she confessed her feelings for another,she ended up regretting it in the end. Oh how things went so wrong.
She is desperate to keep history from repeating itself w/some1 else, but maybe HE is the 1.
She is just so afraid.
She fears getting hurt again.
This kind of thing never works out for her.
Doesn't matter how much time passes or if the guy is different.
Nothing matters because time after time again love continues to let her down.
Tear her down to nothingness; reduce her to tears..to heartache,sorrow,and regret.
She would rather have him as her best friend than not have him at all,so she suffers in silence like she always does when she's deep in love.
She wants to tell him.
She thinks she may have a chance w/him,but she is just so scared.
What is she scared of?
So much.
She can't even begin to describe the nightmares that run thru her mind.
The things that always happen when she dares to trust another.
The heartache.
The stress,the obstacles she always has to get him. To keep him.
The fears.
The anxieties.
The negative emotions that r just as strong as her feelings for him.
She's always having a self battle w/herself.
She wants him,but she wants to stay single.
She's terrified,yet she knows her heart will break far worse than in the past if she lets him go.
She could never forgive herself for letting her fear stand in the way of her happiness.
But she has this self battle; this self conflict w/herself: 1 side of her brain tells her to get the man she loves while, the other side tells her to avoid love at all costs because love comes at a price she does not wish to pay.
She is so confused as to what to do.
She is so miserable.
Being in love SUCKS,and she would reverse it if she could.

I had the sweetest/funniest dream about my sweetie ^_^ ♥

I had the SWEETEST dream-the kind that would make u say, "awwww"! ^_^. In my dream,I was at work in the break room,and I was w/Rob! ^_^ he had his arms around me the WHOLE time! he was standing behind me w/his arms wrapped around me,and I was teasing another coworker of ours at the same time. I kept making jokes,giving the other guy a hard time. All the while, Rob kept holding me so close to him. It was sweet! Rather I sat down,got up,walked around,didn't matter. He stayed w/me. Holding me while I teased our coworker. As usual,I made Rob laugh just as hard as I was laughing,and the whole time he held me tight and even nuzzled his face into my neck a few times,kissed me on the cheek sometimes,etc. It was so sweet! He was actually MINE! ^_^ ♥

what do u do when ur in love but can't be in a relationship?

What's a girl supposed to do when she falls deep in love but knows she cannot be in a relationship?
How does a girl deal w/her feelings for a guy when she knows she cannot tell him?
What does she do when she is terrified of sex which is linked to her fear of pregnancy?
She knows she cannot have an abstinent relationship,but she is so madly; so DEEPLY in love w/this man, it's crushing her.
Her feelings grow stronger everyday; by leaps and bounds every second of the day, yet
she is terrified of having sex and knows that she will one day, have to have it in order to have the guy.
It isn't fair.
She wants to stay away from relationships because of this,but she is just too deep in love to avoid it.
Her fear has a death grip on her.
She knows of the consequences sex brings,and knows that she does not want it.
She also knows that a man she does not give it up to,will not stick around.
She is frustrated and ready to cry; ready to scream.
She has come so close to getting her guy.
She can tell he likes her too(she thinks),but she is even more sure that he will not put up w/her being the way she is.
She's so deep in love, it hurts.
But her fear is so strong, and that ALSO hurts.
She wonders if she will have to let him go to keep from going through the same stress and heartache she went through w/another.
But the thought of not having him breaks her heart into a million pieces, yet
the thought of having sex scares the living daylights out of her.
What is wrong w/her?
She knows why she does not want it, yet
is it NORMAL to feel this strongly about it?
Is it NORMAL to be FEARFUL of the act in question?
She beats her head against the wall; she has constant self conflict.
She does not tell him she loves him not out of shyness,
nore out of fear of rejection,
but out of fear she'll have to lie down to get him and keep him.
It makes her so scared.
like having to relive the same nightmare as last time only with a different guy.
She's frustrated.
She's depressed.
She wants to hang onto her virginity,but
she also wants her 1 true love.
It isn't FAIR!
The constant self battles of having to choose:
her virginity or her 1 true love.
Why can't she have both??
Because this is the real world. that's y! she KNOWS she cannot have things her way.
This is not a fairy tale!
This is real life.
HER real life.
She knows she will be forced to leave her comfort zone, or risk losing a wonderful guy.
It isn't fair.
She just wants to scream.
She just wants to cry.
She just wants to die,so it won't even be an issue.
Why can't this be..maybe not easy,but painless?

yesterday SUCKED! usually,I get to talk to Rob; he looks happy to see me when I come in, etc etc. but yesterday he was pissed at me. =( I knew he and another coworker got into an argument on my day off,but what I didn't know was that said coworker told Rob "I felt the same way." which made Rob think I secretly had a problem w/him and backstabbing him too. That wasn't FAIR! this guy is AMAZING! he has always defended me; had my back. why the HELL would I do ANYTHING to him like that? behind his back or otherwise?? I found a GREAT guy,and I'll be DAMNED if I screw THAT up!! HELL NO! He started off telling me we need to talk and then started telling me what happened and what was said. OF COURSE it was busy yesterday,and OF COURSE when I desperately need to tell my side of a story, we both get called to do other things,so I don't get to explain SHIT to him! The next few times I saw him,he just ignored me;gave the cold shoulder. =( I'm the type of person who takes a WHILE to react.

I was calm at the time and could have said what I needed to and be fine coz I hadn't had time for it to SINK IN yet. But, I was covering a break at the door for so long and despite how busy it was, I still had time to THINK. and stew over it. by the time I got away,and saw Rob again,he was cold shouldering me,and by that time I was starting to get really upset,and KNEW I couldn't talk to him just yet. I was getting to where I was gonna start bawling any second,so I knew I had to wait. I went to my break,let my hair down,pretended to sleep,and had myself a good little cry. I can't believe how LITTLE and how QUICKLY one's heart can be broken. I needed to get that out of my system as much as possible. I was already starting to miss him. I HATED having him mad at me because of something some1 ELSE told him!  I hated how this had time to EAT AWAY at me before I could finally talk to him coz the more it gnawed at me,the more upset I got.

I needed o be calm/rational before talking to him,and I know I can't if I'm upset. I was changing the trash and while I was trying to put a new bag in *2* people came up and THREW their trash in their! >.< It pissed me the HELL off!!! Sherry was over there,so I vented to her about stupid people are. Then I started bitching how I wish ppl would stop trying to drive a wedge between me n Rob. I told her he was mad at me over something some1 else told him. I wanted to talk to him MYSELF,but I was having a HELL of a hard time getting around to it-literally,so she told me she would talk to him for me if she saw him. I love her so much. She's the sweetest person ever,and I know she likes both of..and I'm pretty sure she wants us to be together. ^_^
The funny thing is, I had finally gotten over being depressed,and started getting PISSED instead..and determined...I was finally ready to talk to him,and I saw him heading away from where I was walking,but it was soooo crowded, it took me a while to catch up to where he was going. By the time I found him,I noticed the aisle he went down, was also the aisle Sherry had her demo in,and I saw her turn around and kinda follow Rob.  Ohh, perfect timing. I was FINALLY ready to talk to him and at the SAME TIME, that's when Sherry found him. She must have quickly said what she needed to say to him coz when I was finally in hearing shot of them, I heard her tell him, "she loves talking to u." aww! I remember when she told me the same thing about him. ^_^ That was like her concluding sentence,and she walked back to her little stand. Anyway, I'm happy to report we got it resolved,and he's still mad at our other coworker,but at least he's talking to me again. This didn't go on ALL day,but maaaan did I hate even the little bit of time he was like that. It's odd how I don't give a SHIT if some1 ELSE is mad at me,but it KILLS me when HE'S mad at me. I wanna talk to him all the time! I don't care what about or for how long,I just wanna be w/HIM! period. I've  noticed quite a few of our coworkers seem to wanna rip us apart tho. I mean, y the HELL would Ed tell him something like that? is he TRYING to kill the bond me n Rob have? I gatta wonder. I mean, 1st we were practically coached for talking to each other,and now this. When will it END?? I feel like Romeo and Juliet even tho we're not a couple or anything but like them, even our very FRIENDSHIP is practically forbidden. =(

woooooow!

ok it WEIRDS me OUT when I dream like that! a double dream,AND the dream copying my EXACT surroundings!! =0 I dozed off w/the light still on,laptop on my bed opened to a pic of my sweetie,and my dreamed copied that! I had a dream about being at work cleaning the restroom,and I didn't hear WHAT was said,but I heard 1 of the managers ask Rob about his coworker or something and then, I heard Rob reply w/something like, "yes,and a BEAUTIFUL coworker." I remember just standing there going, "awww." I can't remember what he was saying,but he kept going on about how beautiful I was and sounding all lovely dovey. I was in awe, AND I was starting to feel a little nervous because I thought he might confront me in person. I think maybe Charity or somebody told him my feelings because that was what was making me most nervous.

I was thinking, "Oh great. he knows. my secret's out." Now in REALITY, Charity told me she was gonna tell Rob how I feel if I didn't,and I remembered this while dreaming,and was being half silly,half scared when I muttered to myself, "Omg, she told him didn't she? I'm gonna kill her. she fucking told him." I was getting real nervous in this dream. lol then I thought I "woke up",and rolled over, looked at my laptop which has a pic of Rob in his employee of the month photo, wearing a gray shirt and his blue vest. the pic wouldn't come out right no matter HOW many times I tried,but in the dream,the pic wasn't blurry at all,and he was wearing a red shirt. no vest! and not employee of the month,yet he was standing in the same pose and not QUITE wearing the same smile as he is in the pic for real. I remember looking at the pic w/the strange look on my face because I knew that wasn't how the pic really looked,but it turned out I wasn't awake at all. I dunno how I could tell,but I started yelling at myself to wake up,but I couldn't. I started to feel something MOVE on me and when I looked down,I saw it was either my pillow or a yellow vest( like what some of my coworkers wear),and it creeped me ,so I yanked it off and threw it on the floor,then it kinda jumped back up and lurched itself right at me! it creeped me out,so I walked out of my room to get away from it,looked around the living room and all...then the dream ended, lol.

another 1; where do I GET these? lol

can't u tell that girl is in LOVE w/u? look at the way she looks at u! no matter how ROTTEN a mood she is in,she cannot help but smile when u walk in the room. have u noticed how hard she tries to make u smile; to make u LAUGH even when she's feeling depressed or angry? have u not noticed her body language when she sees U in a bad mood? all she wants to do is hold u until u feel better. do u not see how much she is DYING to talk to? even  when u know the 2 of u shouldn't speak,she doesn't CARE! 
she talks to u anyway! even if she can't think of anything to talk about,and all that comes out of her mouth is nonsense. she does not CARE how stupid she sounds coz at least she is talking to u instead of being shy and keeping quiet. have u not noticed how blown up ur inbox gets from all the random texts she sends u, even if u had just seen her earlier that day? she texts u anyway! she's always asking u how u r and listening! even if she only hears half of what u say or hears wrong,or forgets sometimes because she is being dingy,she still listens; she still hears u. 
ur voice echos in her head,even after u r long gone. she cannot stop thinking about u. no matter what she is doing,who she's w/,or how much fun she's having, she always wishes u were right there w/her. she's been hurt before and betrayed. she has trust and anger issues a mile long. 
She is AFRAID to be in a relationship again,but her love for u is so strong she's starting to surrender; she may reconsider the whole idea of being someone's girlfriend again..especially if that someone is YOU! she loves talking to u! she has told u she loves talking to u,and u have told her the same,but she MEANS it! she may sometimes avoid u,but it is only because she feels like she HAS to! she tries to give u ur space and not appear stalker-ish! she does not wish to get either of u in trouble during work again either,but she hates it. she HATES not talking to u! all her "ignoring u" KILLS her inside. she feels like she killing a piece of herself; like she is having to destroy what makes her happy! 
U make her happy! don't u see that?? she can't get enough of u! it seems like u like her too,so why don't u tell her? help her out a little;meet her halfway. don't deprive her of u. her feelings r STRANGLING her,and she can't get any relief. just hold her once in a while. hold her hand. hug her. kiss her once in a while. these are all things she wants. make plans to hang out together away from work. neither of u have licenses,but they say love always finds a way. MAKE it work! Don't let the haters keep u from her. She loves u,and it appears u love her too. Forget about the rest,it's only about u and her, ur happiness. 

this is NOT Romeo and Juliet,so y must their love be forbidden?

this girl is feeling teary-eyed.
she feels like she has only one choice: give up talking to her 1 true love,or risk losing her job...
it's so unfair..
she found her happiness,so y must she be forced to give it up?
love never hurt so bad like it does now..
whoever is doing this probably knows she's in love,and does this just to hurt her
y must they rip of her happiness?
y must people be so evil?
here she sits all alone,feeling tears well at the back of her eyes..
the thought of never talking to him again kills her..
he is her heart
he is her soul
he is her other half..
and she is forced to give him away..
all so she can keep her job..
all because 1 person wants to rob her of her happiness
as she sits thinking about how she will have to push him away when he approaches,she feels her heart shatter and break...
she finally found a really great guy but just like with every other guy who stole her heart before him...
she is forced to let him go..
to let go of her heart
to let go of her happiness
and her eyes burst with tears like water forcing it's way through a dam..
she doesn't wanna give him up,but she doesn't wanna lose her job..
she has to make a choice
and she hates having to decide the between the two..
it hurts...
it hurts so bad...
especially if she hurts him too when she gives him the news..
when she is forced to reject him because she cannot afford to lose her job
no matter HOW much she loves him
she is backed into a corner
forced to hurt both him and herself
all because one asshole just won't let them be.

I'm in SUCH a foul mood!

I'm so sick of this! I hear ALL the time how management is watching me coz apparently 1 of my coworkers is being an ASS,and going behind my back to rat me out!! it's all about me socializing,but I DO get my work done! NOBODY SEES that!! Rob especially,is 1 person I can't talk to,and it KILLS me! I'm CRAZY about him!! I don't wanna have to stop talking to him,but I can see I'm gonna have to, to keep from getting written up. T_T. It's not FAIR!!! It's weird tho..I just started picturing him trying to talk to me and me telling him not to,and shooing him away because I don't wanna get in trouble. He might get hurt and feel rejected because I had just told him the day we got in trouble for it,that I would never stop talking to him,and he had said the same about me. But I've already been talked to by a manager TWICE so if I get another, I'm gonna get written up!! it's JUST like it was when I worked Walmart,some ASSHOLE had to call attention to ME,so management now always watches me on the cameras!! and since I don't know for sure WHO is watching me and talking shit,I can't even just go where there r no cameras and talk to him THAT way! it isn't FAIR!! why is it every time I get too happy,too content,and too..in love w/some1,some fucking ASSHOLE has to take that away from me??? WHY??!!!

The thought of having to push Rob away makes me wanna bawl my eyes out!! I'm having to reject what makes me happy...er in this case WHO makes me happy! I NEED this job,and the LAST thing I want is a write up,but I don't wanna stop talking to some1 who makes me so happy to be around! dammit! T_T. I think he might like me back,and I'm gonna have to break 2 hearts at the same time: his and mine. =(  I love this man,and I don't think it's fair that I should have to stop talking to him! We agree that we BOTH like each other's company,and neither of us wants to stop talking to the other,and I don't think we should have to because some ASSHOLE wants my job and wants to get me fired to do it or WHATEVER the fuck these people's problems are!! I think maybe I should get out of maintenance before shit gets too bad for me. =( I wish ppl would LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE,AND MIND THEIR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!!!!!! >.<

daaaaaaayum, I do believe I have found him at LAST!! =0

we have the best conversations.
we love being in each other's company.
I can be crabby sometimes,but he still sticks by my side; he still likes me.
we always make each other laugh.
we listen to each other bitch and kinda comfort each other.
I feel like I can talk to him about anything.
I feel like I can trust him even tho I keep telling myself I probably shouldn't.
I went from scowling when I see couples,to smiling and getting butterflies from imagining that being US!
he smokes which I hate,but I'm willing to put up w/that just to have him around.
there have been so many times the things I've said or done should have chased him off,but he hangs around anyway.
 the best part is like yesterday...some asshole decided to rat us out to management because we talk to each other. trying to claim we don't get our work done,and all we do is socialize..he got just as pissed off as I did-actually he got even MORE pissed about it than I did!! now I KNOW he loves talking to me as much as I love talking to him. we BOTH got mad for getting in trouble over talking to each other...
like..how DARE u tell me I can't talk to my sweetheart!! he didn't like that either!
I was trying to forget about it,but he was still bitching about it every time we talked. also....while the majority of these accusations were being aimed at ME(of course! it's ALWAYS like that)..he was aware of this too,and he defended me!! I LOVE that!! he has my back! ^_^
it's hard NOT to be in love w/this guy!! he is AMAZING!! ^_^
I love how he makes me feel like I can do no wrong when I'm so used to every1 else making me feel like I can do no right!
I love him,and he seems to love me too!!
then also,last night, he was looking for me and before he walked out to where he could see me,I heard him ask himself, "where my partner in crime?" then I appeared and he goes, "there u r." lol awwwwwww! I was the 1 that started the "partner in crime" saying about us,and he uses it too, now! eeeeeeeeeee! ^_^
I love him! I love him SO. MUCH! ^_^
I think...do I dare say it??...I think I found the right guy AT LAST!! =0

this cracked me up so bad!

I found this on my cousin's(new) wife's facebook! tis HILARIOUS!! oh,and the husband's name is Rob! oh the irony of it all! LMAO!! XD


THE FART THAT (ALMOST) ALTERED MY DESTINY Written by Anna. Posted in Marriage


Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it's the third date with the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God destined us to be together, I was one SBD 

away from foiling His plans (that's "Silent But Deadly" for you prudes).

It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I was staying away from carbs. That's when I met my husband, Rob. On our first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things were looking real good.

He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win me over with a car totally worked. I'm not shallow, but since I spent most of my twenties picking men up because I didn't want my hair to frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.

We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn't allowed myself to eat in years. I didn't want to be "that girl" so I ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was this love?

That's when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways - uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I suddenly wasn't feeling well and probably needed to head home.

On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask questions, but I wasn't having any of it. The pain was so bad it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I realized ...

My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I'm in trouble. Big trouble.

The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat, gripping on to my door and the dashboard.

"Seriously, you need to hurry - I'm in a lot of pain." I managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Wow, it's that bad? What's wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?"

How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you're writhing in pain is because you have to fart?

Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.

People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced it's way through the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. OK, maybe I got away with it. Maybe I'm home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, "am I smelling something?" sort of way. More like a "is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in hell?" sort of way.

Suddenly, I panicked. "Roll down the windows!" I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).

"What? Why?" Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.

"I can't roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!"

"What's going on?" Rob yells back at me, "Why are you..." then it hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, "Oh my God, I CAN TASTE IT!" he screamed.

"Roll down the windows!" As I screamed, the toots started to flood out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.

It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.

Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta wished I was dead.

We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an urgent, explosive kind of way.

He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had already jumped out, "OK thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love the shoes!" and ran to my apartment like I was running from the cops.

I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever, EVER, hear coming from another person.

Then I heard it. Rob's voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.

"Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?"

"Get away from the door!" I screamed like Reagan from the Exorcist.

"OK, I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*

"I'm fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I'll call you later okay?"

"Okay, are you sure you're ..."

"I'm fine! Get away from the door!"

This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin' hint!

Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom away. I thought that was the last I'd hear from him. I didn't think it was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.

But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now we're married and he's laying on the couch while I type this ... "It was your rack that saved you," he just lovingly reminded me.

Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.

I am such an emotional TRAIN WRECK!!

I had the best AND the worst day at the same time. I GOT TO HANG W/ROB!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!! =D ^_^ I AM SO IN LOVE W/HIM IT'S INSAAAAAAAAANE!!! *squeals* ^_^ I wish I didn't have these issues w/dating n such because I am SO. CLOSE to getting him..I mean I think I have a chance w/him,but I KEEP screwing it up!! =,( >.< I keep trying to keep my feelings a secret,and I can't seem to do that w/o DISCOURAGING HIM!!! he has me all wrong. =,(  It was funny to me for a while about ppl saying we look cute together and such but this time, since we were TOGETHER,it made me cringe. I felt really weird and got a little uptight about it. It was more of a it made me feel awkward,and I felt like my feelings were gonna be exposed,but Rob took it that I find it insulting for some1 to even suggest that.

He kept asking me y I got so upset. =( I was trying to make a joke out of it like I do everything else,but it didn't work. I think I offended him,but I didn't mean to at all. It made me feel so weird. I AM in love w/him,so it freaked me out... a lot! Like someone exposing my secret to him. A secret I'm not yet ready for him to know about. =( Altho...I was very much reminded WHY I LOVE talking to him!! He actually told me he likes hanging out w/me. YAY! ^_^ I may yet be able to tell him my feelings 1 day. I was so afraid he would stop talking to me if I did,and I told him that. not about my feelings but about being teased like that. I told him I was worried it would make things too awkward,and he might not talk to me anymore and then he said, "I could never stop talking to you." AWWWWWW!!! ^_^ Also,while I was getting the trash(since I had to do all of it myself tonight), he started helping me a little. I would pull a bag,and he'd go behind me and put in another,or he'd start pulling them out for me at least. That way he was helping, AND we got to spend some time together. He's so sweet! ^_^ 1 of those times he even got all cute w/me and said, "my lady." or something like that to me. it was so cute! ^_^ I love how he checked the schedule again to see when we were together next. eeeeeeeeeeeeee! ^_^ I love that he does that too,and it isn't JUST me! =)

this came to me at work

As usual I have to pretend I don't care.
 I have to act like my feelings aren't even there.
I have to ignore my heart's crying pleas
of having the man of my dreams
because it is just never meant to be.
Every time I fall for a guy,the world/the universe/every1 does anything and everything to keeps us apart.
I am always forced to be separated from the man I love.
 I'm just so sick of this.
Why can't it EVER be meant to be?
Why must their ALWAYS be roadblocks to my love life; to the happiness I could have w/just 1 man?
I don't understand why this must always be so COMPLICATING?

poem that came to me during class

That girl is in love.
Her head is in the clouds.
She can't stop thinking about him.
Good luck trying to catch her attention
coz she can't focus.
She can't think.
He's always on her mind.
His smile.
His laugh.
His gorgeous dark,eyes.
His pure sweetness.
They all drive her crazy.
She can't think of anything else
because he consumes her brain.
There is no room for other thoughts.
She can't get him out of her head/
She feels like she has finally found her dream man.
She is in love.
Too deep in love to think about much-
only him.

I blog almost every day now that I'm in love, lol

Ok,so I did a search on how to tell if a guy likes u. I was curious and kinda bored,so I looked to see what kind of responses they'd have. It turns out some of the signs include rather he looks u in the eye,and 1 about if he's "flirting" w/other girls but looks at U while doing it,chances r he's testing to see if u notice/care. Well,usually me n my guy zone the store together and talk,goof off, etc. Yesterday, he was doing that w/somebody else,and I did feel a little jealous,but he wasn't goofing and being AS chatty w/her as he does w/ME. =P Plus, he WAS looking right at me while that girl was talking to him,and she had her back to me. Just when I think I'm not gonna get to spend any time w/him, I do tend to run into him 1 way or another,and he talks to me. ^_^ I was really happy when he didn't go straight to clocking out last night but found me sitting in the break room,so he kinda walked by and started talking to me.  I usually check the schedule to see we have any days in common coming up,and I was pleased to find that he did the same damn thing last night. YIPPEE!! ^_^ I thought he was JUST looking to see what HIS schedule is but then, I saw him looking MY schedule up too. He kept checking both our schedules and then pointed out to me what the next day we both work is. I was sooooo happy! I'm happy that he was eager to find out when we next work together too. I think for ONCE in my life, my feelings r NOT 1-sided. I want so badly to just grab him and give him a death-gripping, hug! I always fight back the urge tho coz I'm still unsure. I don't wanna freak him out if I can help it. I'm still afraid of chasing him off,and that's the LAST thing I wanna do. I think it's cool how at times when I feel like I have to compete or fight for his attention,he generally comes around and starts talking to me again. And once again, I have him all to myself for a while. =) I think there is def a BOND between us. I know I never get tired of talking to him,and it seems like he never gets bored w/me either. He is so easy to talk to. I feel like I could tell him ANYTHING,but I'm still very cautious and won't reveal too much. Altho,I have left MAJOR hints that I like him. Like last night, I was half grumbling about them taking him away from me,and putting him in another area of the store to work,and I actually told him to his face, "I was like, he's MINE to aggravate,not yours." If that wasn't a big fat hint; a on the verge of saying, "I am CRAZY about u." then I dunno. He's clueless! LOL! I wanted to hug him again last night when he left. I walked w/him out the door,and we stood there for a few seconds talking and then, he was trying to leave coz his dad showed up I guess,and I wanted so bad to throw my arms around him before he left. I held back tho. Omg,I think my body language even suggested it last night. I could feel myself sorta lifting my arms and walking towards him then, I immediately stepped back. I stopped myself just in time. lol Lord, I'm in  LOVE w/that boy! lol

are they signs? or am I over-analyzing this?

 I've had a thing for my coworker for quite a while now, and it seems like he really likes me too. But I wonder, does he like me for real,or is he just simply being a nice guy? Maybe he's like this to every girl? Are the signs for real this time, or am I just having wishful thinking again? =( I need a 2nd/3rd opinion etc. from somebody. He seems to really like hanging around me(at times). I can always make him laugh; seems like everything I say makes him laugh.(like when I attempt to make him laugh,I'm always successful at it.) =) He's such a sweetheart,but he's sweet to pretty much every1. I also feel like I have a bond w/him. He doesn't usually open to ppl much,but he kinda opens up to me a little. At least when I ask him qs. When I tell him he's fun to pick on he always says he likes it. I dunno if he's just kidding,or if he's HINTING big time that he likes ME! Whenever I tell him about certain hobbies I do(like when I told him I make comics,and write poetry) he looked IMPRESSED! His eyes real big,and he got this big grin on his face. He tends to get in these pissy moods and won't talk to any1.

He might even snap at u if he says ANYTHING at all! He did that to me once and the next time he was in a better mood and I could talk to him, I confronted him about taking his bad moods out on ppl. He actually APOLOGIZED! He also TALKED to me about his side of the story,and we both got a chance to explain y did or said what we did that day. I gatta admit, most guys will not talk to me like that. They'll just argue w/me rather than have a mature conversation,and fix what's wrong. The cool thing is,is that was a WEEK ago,and THIS PAST Wednesday,he apologized to me AGAIN! I wasn't even thinking about it! I think he had just clocked out for lunch,and he was headed to the bathroom. I was standing over there getting ready to check bathrooms, and he saw me and just kinda stopped and talked to me before going in the bathroom. I had already forgotten and gotten over the previous week's spat w/him,but he apparently, was STILL thinking about it because he brought it up again. He was apologizing to me AGAIN and even said I was RIGHT!! A guy admitting when he's WRONG?? omg! =0 He told me I was right about him not taking his issues out on other ppl at work. I don't think he's ever apologized to any1else at work. of course, I don't think any1else has bothered to confront him about it either, whereas, I had.


There was also a time when he got into a spat w/another coworker. This guy had jumped his case,and later he asked me y I didn't stick up for him. (I did. I jumped in there and vouched for him.) Anyway,the point is he didn't think I defended him,and I didn't know he even wanted me to. Don't most guys get their pride hurt when a woman defends him? It's like it mattered to him that I was on his side or something,but I dunno. Maybe I'm waaaaay over thinking this. I know I can make him laugh,and I know he doesn't look me in the eye half the time. I dunno if that's nervousness, or he wants me to go away or what? He does sound kinda nervous when he laughs a little. Usually when he's talking to me about something more serious(I do that too. Odd.) I've also had these silly playful who-should-hold-the-door-for-who games w/him. I don't mind holding a door for a guy like he does for me,but he wouldn't let me. He stood really far back from the door(staring at the floor as usual. I swear he can't look at me for some reason.),and INSISTED I go 1st. Even at the top of the stairs, he wants me to go down 1st.  Awww!! ^_^ Then there was also the time another guy we work w/,made a sexual joke in front of me,and he got PISSED OFF at him! He told him he was being disrespectful and rude saying that in front of me. eeeeeeeee! ^_^ Even after me n him walked away,and it was just us, he was still grumbling about it. Telling me how the guy was being disrespectful to me and all that. I dunno if he's JUST simply old-fashioned and woulda done the same for ANY girl, or if he sees something in me. I HAVE to know! I also know, that most of the time, he smiles when he sees me. Sometimes a really huge smile, and sometimes just a small grin that quickly disappears as fast it appears.

I remember 1 of the conversations I had w/him a few weeks ago, he had told me he remembered the day I had my interview at work. I'm shocked because this way before we got to know each other at all. I'm amazed he was being observant. He even told me the story of what this 1 manager said to him after my interview. I had had a fun interview,and I guess this manager enjoyed it too. Enough to say that I was funny and that he never had any1 talk to him that way before in his whole time of being a manger. Anyway, he told me lots of stuff. I just don't know if there's anything special going on w/us or not. I know I enjoy talking to him. Hanging w/him. We goof off together. We agree on a lot of the same things,but I don't know if he LIKES me! I do sometimes catch him looking at me even if  we aren't talking to each other that day or something. I'm prolly forgetting something,but this is it for now. I hope he actually likes me coz I am CRAAAAAAAAAAAAZY about him! ^_^

I am soooooooo in LOVE with this guy it's SCARY!

I'm trying to write a descriptive essay about the guy I like,and u'd think that would be easy considering I can't ever get him out of my head but NO! I'm having MAJOR writer's block. I don't know HOW to set this up. What should the introduction part be about? Which paragraph should be his physical description? Which 1 should be his personality traits? Do I mention my feelings for him at all? or is that taking away from the DESCRIPTIVE part of the paper? dammit! >.<  I got to see him at work today,and he stayed a lot longer than I thought he would. It was AMAZING getting to see him and talk to him again. ^_^ I haven't been able to talk to him in WEEKS! I was feeling deprived! He was in such a bad mood for so damn long,and u can't talk to him when he's like that. Even tho,I had this conversation w/him DAYS ago about him taking his moodiness out on other ppl,and he had apologized THEN,he apologized to me AGAIN,today! eeee! he's so sweet! ^_^ He kept telling me had issues and bad days but then, he told me I was RIGHT! that he shouldn't be taking out his bad mood on other ppl. awww! he already apologized,but I think it's amazing he did it again! He was still thinking about what I had said. I'm used to guys not giving a damn what I say or think,and I am DEF not used him REMEMBERING anything I say! but this is different. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I keep falling DEEPER and DEEPER in love w/him! *sighs dreamily* ^___^ I told him I sometimes make comics and write stories(I almost said poetry,but I didn't want him asking me what kind of poetry I write) aaaaaaawkward! Anyway, he perked up when I told him that! He was impressed! ^_^ He looked as delighted by that information as I did when I found out how old-fashioned and gentleman-like he is. ^_^

Why DO I love him so much?

I've been asked what it is I see in him. Hell,I often ask MYSELF how I fell in love w/him. I will try to explain what it is that made me fall so damn hard. Well,for starters..it happened JUST to piss me off. God and the universe or whatever u believe in, decided that even tho I'm awkward in relationship. EVEN tho, I have anxieties when it comes to relationships and such..EVEN THO I have sworn off relationships and just wanted to focus on getting my education,my a career,my license,my dental work,and just in general,my FUTURE,that it was time to send a guy into my life once more,that would make lose my mind; my focus.

This guy is AMAZING!(at least he is when he's not in his pissy mood and ignoring me.) Where do I begin? I mean,yes he is REALLY cute! He's adorable! Dark hair and dark eyes,my fav. physical trait on a guy. He has a really cute smile too. Even tho he smokes,his teeth aren't nasty at all. lol He's sweet. VERY sweet! He's a gentleman,and he's old fashioned. Even HE has said he is kinda old-fashioned. He seemed kinda nice when I 1st met him after I started this job. He helped me out a little when I was new,telling me what I had to do,but I didn't think much about him coz I rarely ever saw him. But when he came back into the same area I worked and was W/me,I actually got a chance to get to know him,and I just LOVED him! ^_^ I think he's very sweet,and I love picking on him which he's ok w/. lol He said being weird is cool. OMG! def points in my book!! LOL! We often goofed off together on the are occasions we had simillar shifts. especially when we zoned certain areas of the store together,that was when we had REAL conversations. We'd goof on each other a little,but I also got him to open up some,and I found out some things about him. He has QUITE a bit in common w/ me. From having to be driven to work by dad coz of a lack of license(like me) to having fallen behind and struggles w/school till finally dropping out and getting a ged(AGAIN, like ME.) He struggles w/math..OMG! me too! lol I find him so easy to talk to; so fun to talk to as well. Not to mention whenever we r both leaving a room,even if I get to the door 1st,he will not let me hold the door for HIM! he always wants ME to go 1st! he's such a gentleman! ^_^

What really got me was the day another guy we work w/ made a sexual joke/comment IN FRONT of me(more specifically to do w/women),and my guy  got PISSED OFF! He didn't YELL or anything,but he got irritated. He pointed me out and told him there was a female standing right there; to not say stuff like that. It was inappropriate and disrespectful. I was a goner then. If I wasn't completely in love before,I was after that remark. When we walked away together,he was still bitching about it and then he suddenly says, "I guess I'm just a little old-fashioned." AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I LOVE that!!!! ^_^ I was thinking,"DAMMIT!!! U JUST MADE ME FALL HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE W/U! THAT'S IT! I'M A GONER!" I SWEAR my head was SWIMMING! my heart was racing out of control,and I was trying to fight this huge grin that rapidly went across my face. He's so WONDERFUL!! ^_^  He also seems kinda shy. I feel like I could date him,and he would go real slow w/me; not pressure me. I just haven't figured how to tell him I'm crazy about him. I'm worried I'll chase him away; make him feel really awkward,and that's the LAST thing I want. =/ This is the kinda stuff I can't get out of my head for ANYTHING in the world! The only drawback as far as I can tell,is he gets in his MOODS and won't talk to ANY1! he'll flat out ignore u when he's in a bad mood. It sucks to try to talk to some1,and he ignores u. u feel like a retard; like ur talking to urself. It sucks! =( There's also a certain part of his past that another coworker let slip to me,so I even I shouldn't know,but I do. This thing,if it's true,must be so PAINFUL to him,I can't see him being able to give love another chance. I'd say he's even MORE closed off than I am. That broke my heart to hear that. I can kinda understand y he's always so damn MOODY! I pray for him quite often. My love for him has become a TERRIBLE,ACHE; it's even more painful having to squash it. I don't think I could EVER tell him my feelings knowing THAT happened to him. I can't say what it is/was coz I feel like I would be betraying so much,if I said what it was,so I won't. I hope I was able to explain enough,but I can never explain FULLY y it is I love him so much. I just do. =} ^_^

is this what love is truly about?

Are you supposed to feel this vulnerable; feel this depressed?
Are you supposed to go out of ur mind every single day?
Are you supposed to struggle this much to focus on anything else?
Is this what it's about?
Feeling depressed all the time?
Feeling like you've been torn down; like the wind has been let out of your sails?
Are you supposed to feel this-WEAK?!
Are you supposed change; to no longer feel like yourself,and to feel like you'll never the "old u" again?

Falling in love is

I only thought I knew what it was to be in love before,but I didn't.

This time I'm in love for REAL-and it's scary!

Falling in love is being EXTREMELY happy.

Falling in love is being an emotional train wreck.

Falling in love is being VERY vulnerable.

Falling in love is when u feel excited and hyper like a child, but u also feeling bawling ur eyes out.

Falling in love is what keeps u from focusing on more important things: like ur school work; studying,so u can actually get ur degree;make a life for urself, etc., because u can't stop thinking about him.

Falling in love is wanting to shriek w/joy whenever u see him; whenever u talk to him.

Falling in love is wanting to grab him, and give him a big ol bear hug and wanting to kiss him. ^_^

Falling in love is when a person that is normally so negative about life suddenly finds optimism in most things.

Falling in love is when u don't recognize urself anymore; when u KNOW you've changed,and you're not sure if u like it or not.

Falling in love is wanting to be there FOR and WITH him all the time.

Falling in love is a constant emotional roller coaster ride; it gives more strength to ur emotions than you'll ever experience thru puberty.

Falling in love is sitting all alone and smiling to urself,making those around u think u r insane. 

Falling in love is when u find urself dancing and acting NUTS when he talks to u.

Falling in love is also scary:  ur so close to finding ur right 1,but there's still the chance he's completely wrong for u.

Falling in love leaves u WIDE open to get hurt,and the pain is VERY intense if u do.

Falling in love is so intense, u wanna tell him how u feel to get relief, but u also feel like ur gonna choke,vomit,or pee ur pants whenever u even THINK about telling him.

Falling in love is the main #1 cause of mood swings.

Falling in love is like being on drugs: u have ur extreme highs and then ur extreme lows of emotions.

Falling in love is also sticking ur foot in ur mouth when u talk to him; say stupid things and later on wonder where the hell that came from.

Falling in love allows u discover ur creative side; u write the most beautiful poems. =)

Falling in love is both feeling AMAZING and  TERRIBLE at the same time.

I'm just tired of this

I feel so isolated.
I feel so alone.
All I wanna do is crawl into a hole and die-
or just sleep there for a while.
I'm sick of all the pain I'm feelin.
I'm sick of all the stress that's weighing me down.
Being in love and not being able to get any relief.
Struggling in school and not able to improve.
 Best friend trying to get me to chill w/her,but I aint got no license,and she lives too far away.
Teeth are hurting,and I don't have the money or insurance to deal with it.
I try to make plans but every time I do,something always comes up that makes sure it never happens.
Days turns into weeks and weeks into months and still,nothing gets done.
Time just keeps going on and on.
It's a freaking vicious cycle.
The more I try to get ahead,the more I get pushed back.
Dammit,this just aint fair!
Why can't I get any relief?
Why can't I succeed at just 1 damn thing?
I'm always beating my head against the damn wall.
I'm always tearing my hair out.
Doesn't seem to matter what I do,someone or something just doesn't want me succeed.
someone or something just wants me to stay where I'm at-
miserable
and down right depressed.
Always feeling angry.
Always feeling sad.
Always feel like dying.
Always feel like killing.
Giving up.
The stress just won't stop adding up.
It's like cancer, all I can do is treat the symptoms.
I can't cure it,so it keeps coming back,and it keeps adding up as fast I'm subtracting it.
Every time I eliminate 1 problem,another 1 immediately shows up to take it's place.
I'm just sick of it.
I'm just whole-heartedly sick of it.
I just wanna run away.
I just wanna die.
I just want it to stop.
I just want some relief...

Emotional Highs and Lows

She wanted nothing more to do w/love or relationships.
She has closed off her heart as best as she could.
She extended her walls even further up than before.
She only wanted to focus on school;focus on herself and HER life.
She was done with guys until..she met HIM.
She's finding that the more she has talked to him,the deeper in love she has fallen.
But at alas,like every other guy she falls for..he goes from her friend to a stranger.
He was once so sweet but now, stuck in his own rotten mood,he ignores her;
 treats her so bad for no reason.
She knew this sort of thing would happen.
It always does.
yet, she cannot get over how she feels.
She once felt so happy and higher than a jet plane,now she feels nothing but depression and loneliness.
A broken heart and tears are all that's left of her now.
She manages to go thru her day, once in a while, smiling and laughing with her friends and enjoying life,but she still has HIM on her mind.
And it makes her feel both ecstatic and deeply depressed at the same time.
She knows it is nothing personal against HER.
She knows he has his own problems,and she wants so bad to be there for him: to comfort him, but
he will not let her.
All he does is isolate her.
She feels as if she has lost an amazing friend on top of the chance at possible happiness.
She suffers from the constant highs and lows of her emotions.
The pain that being in love brings.
The reason she did not want to be in love again.
The reason she tries so hard to avoid these feelings and feels so out of control when she falls anyway.
She is tired of falling into more heartache instead of falling into TRUE love!

I can't focus

I've been such an emotional train wreck lately.  So, just to piss me off, I'm falling head over heels in love again(gag). I have the best conversations w/this guy,and I get to act as goofy as I want w/him, and it doesn't scare him off. I dunno if he's "the 1" or not,but I'd say he comes pretty damn close. I desperately need to study for this test I have today,but I just can't  focus coz I can't stop thinking about him and even worse, I'm playing every love song I have on my ipod. I've got it bad. =( I don't wanna be in love. It makes me into some1 I DO NOT wanna be! I hate how I get. For instance, yesterday I was actually in a bitchy/depressed mood JUST because he wouldn't talk to me. Is that fucked up or what? I'm used to talking to him and goofing off and all that. I felt so rejected and hurt JUST because he wouldn't talk to me. Stupid, right?

 I didn't think about how he's been in pain lately w/his ankle,and he may just have been in as crappy a mood as I was.  Of course, I usually stop to consider stuff like that but YESTERDAY, I was on this crazy emotional roller coaster ride,and I just wasn't being logical; myself. I'm ADDICTED to talking to him,and I hate it when I don't get to. I can usually make him laugh(and most ppl in general),and that normally would cheer any1 up,but he just wouldn't give me the time or day so to speak. It made me feel rotten,and it shouldn't have. I hope he didn't hear me grumble under my breathe, "Fine. Don't fucking talk to me. Whatever." or something like that. Even tho he was kinda ignoring me yesterday, I couldn't help but notice that on his way out the door, he actually turned and looked over his shoulder at ME.

It was for a second or 2,but he just LOOKED at me for a few seconds; held my gaze for a short time before he turned back around and continued walking out. I wonder what that was all about. I wish I was a mind reader. It would certainly make EVERY THING so much easier. I could finally know the TRUTH for a change before I say or do something stupid to a guy. Now that I feel better today and more logical, I think back to how I walked away from him to keep myself from bitching him out coz that's how shitty I felt. Oh u could hang w/me all day 2 days ago,but today I'm nothing to u?? He might have been doing the same by "ignoring" me. Maybe he was in a shitty mood too and to keep from attacking me, he just ignored me- or kept silent so as to keep himself under control and not fly off the handle at me. I hope that's y. That makes me feel LOADS better if that was indeed the case. I'm hoping I got enough of this out of my system now that I can finally focus on my studying coz I DESPERATELY need to pass this exam today. Please God let me pass. I NEED this! =/ Here's to falling in love and being unable to focus on my school work. -_-

I had an AH-mazing day today =)

I think I'm falling in love. I dunno where to begin. Every time I get a whole day at work spent w/ this guy I work w/, I go home later on in a TERRIFIC mood! I just found out for sure that he's a little old fashioned.  He told me himself. ^_^ 1 of the guys at work said the word "mushy" is german for "pussy"(apparently),and this guy I like so much,got pissed off about it because he said it in front of ME. As a woman/a lady, he thought it might offend me/be a little disrespectful to me. AWWWWWWWWWW!!! what a sweet heart!!! ^_^ he's a GENTLEMAN! GOD I LOVE that!!! ^_^ Also, after having a real good talk w/him earlier, I found out we have a lot more in common than I knew. He dropped out of high school  and got his ged too just like I did. And because of the same reason I did: He was struggling in school and falling further behind...JUST LIKE ME!! =0 he also struggles w/math GREATLY!! hellloooooooooooooo! me too! ^_^ He also doesn't have a license...again same as me. but I never got mine to begin w/,and he lost his. bummer. =( Even tonight, he got picked up by his dad(embarrassing, but my parents always have to pick me up too.) weird, considering he lives on his own,yet his dad was the 1 to go get him. Also, his dad is like mine in that since he wasn't out there when he "should have been", his dad came in looking for him. Mine does that to me too. LOL! we also both miss this 1 manager we had. lol

What I thought was AWESOME was the story he told about the day I was hired. He and our manager r obviously good buddies and just as I suspected, I was indeed hired because of my sense of humor; I made the manager laugh. Not too hard right? =) lol So apparently, he remembers the day I had my interview. He remembered when I had been sitting there w/my uncle waiting to e interviewed. Kinda weird, coz I didn't remember HIM. Anyway, apparently our manager had never had any1 else in the history of him being a manager, tell him him anything like I did. Like when I asked him if he had been 1 of those guys that tried on bras in Walmart that day. LOL!! He looked at me w/ his so called, "death stare",and said, "do I look like some crazy bra guy to u?" and then a few seconds later he was all, "I can't believe u asked me something like that. High 5." and he slapped me a high 5. That was awesome. =) LOL Talking about him has made me miss him all over again. =(

Anyway, I just realize that, the more I spend time w/this amazing guy, the more I fall in love w/him. Just a teensy bit more and more each time we work together. =) ^_^ ♥♥♥

how I've been feeling,lately

She's losing her heart but refuses to try again. She's trying to hold onto her heart w/a death grip,but her heart is being slowly yanked from her grasp,right before her eyes. She cannot stop it,but she knows she must. He seems so right for her,yet he could be VERY wrong for her. She refuses to allow history to repeat itself w/a different guy,but she's finding it hard to resist his charm. She keeps reminding herself of why love is never meant to be; how this situation is too much like the last and how it would just go wrong ,yet she can't deny how much she loves him; how much she loves BEING w/him. Talking to him. Goofing off w/ him. They seem so good together. He seems wonderful. But is he is the real deal,or is he just another act like the rest? She's torn in half: She promised herself she would NEVER make the same mistake twice,yet she can't help but fall in love w/this sweet,guy. Should she step back,and avoid this whole thing as much as possible? or is he the right 1 after all,and she should drop her guard and just let him in? She's fighting hard to resist,but she's already falling in love and cannot stop it.

Last night was an emotional,miracle.

People are ALWAYS flying around the corner that is just a few feet away from my house. There are 1 or 2 houses a few doors down from me that,1 or the other(or both) almost ALWAYS get hit. Last night,I heard what sounded like a car speeding up,then flying off the road and where I expected to hear the crash afterwards,I didn't. The 1st time I went outside,I didn't see a car ANYWHERE,but my neighbors were outside talking to each other. They were just far enough away that I couldn't make out what they were saying. Within a few minutes, I saw an ambulance,2 fire trucks,and then 2 or 3 cops drive on over there. I finally walked over to see what was up,and I saw that there was indeed a car that wrecked,and it was between 2 of the houses. That was why I couldn't see it before. The car managed to plow thru a brick wall my next door neighbor had up to help keep cars from hitting his house. The car also managed to skid across the house next door to my neighbor's yard,and then make his way all the way over the house next door to THAT 1. In between both of these houses was where the car ended up. It was in there SIDEWAYS,backed up to the 1 man's side garage door. His car had gone to hell in a hand basket. The front end was CREAMED; the hood was popped open and had a big tree branch in it. The passenger side was crunched in so bad that the cops couldn't get the door open. Fortunately, there was only 1 man in there(the driver),and he was ok. Oddly enough, he wasn't even injured. His car looked that bad,I wasn't sure if he even survived. He was VERY lucky! He walked away w/o even so much of an injury. He was yaking away on his cell phone. No, he didn't crash from being on a cell phone, lol. He called his wife after he had an accident,and this is where it gets kinda sweet/emotional. His wife showed up a few min later; she had barely stopped the car when a little boy(their son) about 8,9,10 years old somewhere around in there,flung open the back door,ran out of that car,and threw himself around his father's waist in a death grip,hug,and started crying. AWWWWWWWWWW! that was so sweet! the dad was like, "I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm ok." but that little boy never let go of him. It was so sweet, I almost cried,too. =,}

Taking a Break

Gatta take a break from this research assignment I'm trying to get done. My mind is too busy wandering away towards things I can't get off my mind. 1st of all,I'm bummed out.  My cool manager will NOT be coming back like I thought. He was only supposed to be gone a few months,but it turns out he's STAYING at that other store.  Bummer. =( Some other things...there's only 1 person that wants to set me up w/a certain coworker of mine,but there's ANOTHER coworker that every1 ELSE seems to have their mind set on hooking me up w/. lol  The thing is,this used to be annoying,but now I'm finding I kinda like it. I mean, I LIKE him! At 1st I was hem- hawing around and not sure what I thought of him. He's sweet. He's cool,and he's fun to hang around,but that doesn't mean I LIKE him. Turns out I do,lol. I think I actually blushed a little when ppl have told me we make a cute couple. I've had 3 diff people tell me that. The 1st 1 thought we look cute together mainly because we're both short. lol suuuure,having a guy just as short as me TOTALLY makes him my soul mate. LOL. Ok,so he's a gentleman,and he's silly,plus I can make HIM laugh,too which,for some reason, I like. lol. He's def cute! ^_^

The only draw back(as far as I know) is he smokes. I can't imagine kisses would be too yummy when u kiss a smoker. I'm just sayin... lol Besides that,I find that I'm thinking about him alot more ,lately. What really proved to me I'm crushing on him,is having to fight a huge smile from crossing my face when I saw him. I got like that when another friend of ours told me SHE told HIM the same thing every1 else tells me,NOW: "u 2 look cute together. u should try to get w/her." OMG! *blushes* please, no? I can't be in a relationship,and u know Y. SHE knows y. I've told her,and she seems to get it. But at the same time,I REALLY LIKE this guy. I'm just afraid if we DO date,it'll like be w/Gary all over again: He seems to sweet,and we have fun together joking at work and such,but when we try dating outside of work,all that changes. He becomes my worst nightmare,and we always fight over stupid shit. He's always PRESSURING me,and I'm freaking out,which makes me more bitchy and whiny,etc. Then he stops talking to me;giving me the silent treatment because I'm not telling him what he wants to hear,etc. I just don't wanna go thru that again w/another guy,and that's what I'm afraid will happen. =( If there's 1 thing I've learned, I can't let ANY1 THAT close to me. I can have all the friends in the world,but I can't have a soul mate; a "love of my life." a boyfriend. Whatever label u wanna use for it,I can't have 1. It's ALWAYS doomed to fail,and I just don't wanna get hurt again,and grow even MORE bitter and MORE distrusting. =( I don't know what to do. I know I need to watch my back,and stay away from relationships,but I really,REALLY, LIKE this guy. Alot!

Even today,when we were cleaning the stupid bathrooms,he walked over to get something from the cart or whatever,and I found myself grinning like crazy. actually,EVERY time I look at him,I start grinning like crazy and start feeling kinda loopy. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! please no?! I don't wanna feel this way. I KNOW there is a price to pay; consequences for dating/having a bf,and I don't wanna have to deal w/that. I'm scared as HELL,and I don't like it. I just don't know what to do. =(

The Life of a Rubberband

I really like my english teacher. She gives us some silly but fun assignments to do in class. The other day,we had to get w/a partner,and write a paper/autobiography/story about an in inanimate object. Me and my partner got rubber band. I love being able to bring life to OBJECTS. it's a form of writing/art. I love this clas. =) here's what I wrote:

The Life of a Rubber band:
I am a rubber band. I come in many colors,but most people would recognize me in brown.
I was born in a factory. I am very useful as, I am very stretchy; I can hold things together,like rolled up posters for instance. Anything u have that needs being held together,I am there for u.
Pens and pencils mock me because I am not used as often as they are. However, I can be used for entertainment purposes. For example, you can flick ur friend's arm with me,or shoot me across the room.
I can be used for many things until I snap and become completely useless.
The life of a rubber band is not an easy one.

LOL!