I gatta really think this "order" out

ok, so my mom told me AGES ago to make a list of what I desire in a man. I already had a mental list,and Rob fit just about everything on my mental list...I had 2 lose him tho..so...let's try this AGAIN! >.< ok, I want the usual: the guy who treats me w/respects/loves me as I am(all things Rob possessed). A guy who is my best friend,and who i can talk to about ANYTHING/just loves spending time w/me w/no demands/pressure or anything(AGAIN, like Rob), makes me laugh, is sensitive w/o being OVERLY sensitive,would protect me,etc...BUT....he CANNOT be a drug addict,and he CANNOT have a mental disorder where he hates himself so much that he tries 2 kill himself. he CANNOT be an alcoholic...oh..and he needs 2 LIVE!!! how about he STAY ALIVE???!! how about that??? is THAT 2 much 2 ask???!! am I FORGETTING something??? is there something else I haven't mentioned that I would like 2 avoid??? if I think of it, I will DEF add that to my list!  >.< I want a man who I am actually meant 2 be w/ for a LONG time. maybe for LIFE,not just 3 months/10 months...how about a man w/ Rob's triats(the good ones) and is meant 2 STAY ALIVE!!! >.<

I've been writing a lot of stuff about u for a long time now

Baby, I really hope u didn't kill urself. I really hope this is an accident.
U have no idea what pain I'm going thru right now.
I used 2 ALWAYS tell u, "I DON'T want 2 LOSE u." and I MEANT IT!!
I TOLD u, I meant it!
I've been crying for almost 4 days now since ur dad broke the news to me.
I felt shitty coz I had JUST talked to u on the phone that very same day before I went to work.
about 7/8 hours later when I got home, ur dad called me(from UR ph no less) to tell me u had died.
u used to text me ALL the time,so now i always think I'm hearing the sound my ph makes when I get texts but when I check,I have no new texts.
It's driving me CRAZY,so I had to change my text sound..AND my ring tone coz I couldn't stand to hear those alerts anymore.
they drive me crazy.
I miss u sooo fucking much, u have no idea.
ur family misses u.
I'm def sure ur sons miss u.
I bet they're grieving just as bad as I am right now.
I wish u could see and hear everything that is going on right now. Did u know ur step mom asked me if I was pregnant?? did u know she was HOPING I was??remember how I didn't wanna sleep w/u because I didn't wanna get pregnant?? a part of me wishes we had and that we were gonna have a baby for the same reason ur step mom was hoping for it...so we'd have a sort of piece of u 2 remember u by.
did u know she ALSO told me REPEATEDLY how I could have been her daughter-in-law someday? do u know much that HURT for me 2 hear??
the good news is, I finally got to see pics of ur sons, even tho they're BABY pics-not current ones. but I finally got to see em. I loved seeing pics of holding ur son. it made my heart melt. I have 1 or 2 of em now of u holding...I think it's Robbie in both those pics.
I was crying over u for days in end,now I'm just pissed off.
I'm pissed coz I'm starting to think u committed suicide..only this time u succeeded. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope ur fucking satisfied!
I hope ur happy u hurt a whole bunch of ppl at 1 fucking time!
if that isn't true,and it was an accident, I am so sorry,and I'm gonna miss u so much.
There's not a day that goes by I don't miss u.
I am actually wearing 1 of ur old shirts now.
I know u hated this 1-thought it looked gay on u,but I thought it looked damn good on u.
u looked so dressed up and STUNNING.
u didn't think u were attractive,but I always thought u did.
u had an AMAZING smile and BEAUTIFUL eyes.
my friend came over 2 cheer me up coz I'm grieving over u..she saw ur pic and said u were cute.
she thought u were a total cutie,and u were.
remember when u said I should find some1else,and I told u I didn't want any1 else and I even said, "y should I? so I can lose THAT guy too?" remember? I STILL feel like that!
I don't WANT any1 else!
I had the best guy already,and now ur gone.
remember when I said that being in love and relationships always blows up in my face??
well babe,it fucking happened AGAIN!
just like it ALWAYS does.
 I'm THRU!
I never want 2 fall in love again.
EVER!
I'm SICK of never getting the guy-or
I'm SICK of getting the guy and then he either treats me like CRAP-OR..
DIES!
Fuck it! I can't have any1!
Piss on it!
I'm done!
I'm through.
I'm not meant to have  LIFE LONG true love.
I had it,and now I don't.
ur gone.
I will never see u again.
I will never kiss u again.
I will never be in ur arms again.
I will never get to have u look at me and give me a goofy smile when I'm in a bad mood and make me laugh,then u tell me, "there u r" again.
I will never again get to hold ur hand, or walk and talk w/u on the beach.
I will never get to talk u again.
I will never get to pick on u again.
Hell, I won't even get to fight w/u again.
yeah, oddly enough, I miss that too.
U were my happiness,so I guess that's y u had 2 die, right?
U made me happy,so like anything else that makes me happy, u had 2 be taken from me!
 I should have known this would happen.
It always does.
Fuck Love. >.<

FUCK EVERYTHING!!!

so here's the dealy-oh! as fucking USUAL,whenever something or SOME1 makes me happy, life has 2 take that away from me! EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! >=0 My boyfriend..my AMAZING boyfriend who I've been blogging about on here for MONTHS!! almost a YEAR..FUCKING DIED on Saturday! brillaint aint it?? ironically, my most recent post was on Thursday-the last time I saw him in person. I got my last kiss and hug w/him..the only hug and kiss I'll ever get from him coz he's GONE!! fucking brilliant! he was released form the hospital Friday,and he talked and texted w/me then,and I talked to him 1 more time on Sat. literally right before I went to work,but the call got dropped on us. he never called back,and neither did I. (I wish I had.) I decided I needed 2 get 2 work,and I didn't get off work till 9. well..9:30 or 10 rolls around,and I think I'm getting a call from my man coz the call was from HIS phone,but it wasn't HIM! it was his FATHER telling me that Rob just died earlier that day. He had him rushed to the hospital,but they couldn't revive him. He was unconscious..today I spoke w/Rob's step mom,and she told me his lips were blue,and he had a lot of foam in his mouth. Brilliant. I've been crying on and off again for all those days..including some today,but now here it's 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake and very much pissed off. I'm glad for that coz I'm SICK of crying. I'm MAD AS HELL! I feel like, y the FUCK was such an AMAZING man sent into my life JUST so he could be taken from me so shortly? u know what else is fucked up??? Rob's step mom told me a bunch of times how I could have been her daughter-in-law. I've thought of that myself,and it's eating me up like acid to know that that will NEVER happen now.
She ALSO asked me if I was pregnant,and I could tel she was HOPING for it coz it would def be the last bit of "Rob" either of us have. I don't even WANT 2 get prego or none of that,but a part of me wishes I HAD gone all the way w/Rob and HAD gotten prego,so that I too would have "a piece" of Rob left. Right now I just feel like, "u know what, life? u just love 2 FUCK me..well guess what? FUCK U RIGHT BACK!! FUCK U!!!!!!" >=0 Fuck u and all the hurt u caused A LOT of ppl! FUCK U!! u stole the love of my life away from me. u stole away a nice man's(who, like me, bent over BACKWARDS 2 try and help Rob out w/everything) son, u stole away 2 women's younger brother,and FINALLY, u stole away 2 boys's father! 2 boys who haven't seen their father in 2 YEARS!! and now they'll NEVER see him again! FUCK U!!! just FUCK U!!!! >=0 I actually LIKE Rob's dad,and I've had my moments where I thought, "I would LOVE to have him as a my father-in-law. He's a really sweet guy. I can see where his son gets it." But, no U just couldn't let ANY of that happen. U know what life, u've fucked me over w/SO many things,but this 1 just takes the fucking cake! I was NEVER able to have the guy! EVER! but this was just downright EVIL! instead of him not reciprocating my feelings,or him breaking up w/me,or cheating on me, he had to DIE! he had 2 fucking DIE! FUCK U! I hope ur happy. because of this last failed attempt at true love..a DRASTIC failed 1 at that, I'm fucking done. I don't want any1 else. I don't ever wanna be in love w/another man,coz u'll just take HIM from me too I'm sure. Even if I manage to love again, I'll just end up either never getting the guy,or I'll get him for a SHORT time,and then he'll just be taken from me too. he'll either turn into an asshole,get sick of me,break up w/me,cheat on me, or maybe HE will die too just like Rob. FUCK U! Cupid or whoever/WHATEVER fate decides I need 2 be in love..LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FROM NOW ON! DON'T U EVER-I MEAN EVER CAUSE ME 2 FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! U HEAR ME??!! FUCK U! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SICK OF PAYING A HEAVY PRICE FOR FALLING IN LOVE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! I'm gonna be the crazy cat(or dog) lady who never finds any1 coz that's what I'm meant for, obviously! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! >=0 =,( I'm SICK of being robbed of my happiness(no pun intended).=,(  T_T