I usually only HEAR about other people's heart-felt type stories,but I never thought I'd have my own to tell. These past months..or year or...however far back everything tied to it counts or something, has been very emotional and a big challenge. I met and fell in love w/my best friend from work and so much has happened since then. The beginning of the challenges I guess I could say started before we even started dating. He got to where he would think I said or did something horrible to him and tell me to never talk to him again. I would get upset,fearful of losing my best friend and the love of my life over something I didn't do. In the past,when shit like this happened, I would just give up and walk away before taking on any more hurt but for some reason, I could NOT give up on this 1. I am the QUEEN of giving up usually,but I couldn't give up on HIM. I've wanted to give up and walk away SO many times because I got tired of always having to explain myself to him when I didn't need to. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and KNEW he was making it all up in his head. It was stressing me out-STILL stresses me out NOW,but I had this voice in my head ALWAYS telling me, "don't give up on him. don't give up on this 1. keep trying. talk to him." so I would keep talking to him and keep thinking he was going to ignore me,but he would actually talk. We were always able to work through the issues and our friendship was saved.
This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work. I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.
I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.
I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested. We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!
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