struggles

I hate that I feel this way; jealousy. I KNOW jealousy is a sin,but I just can't help it. I know Charity likes Dylan an all. This has NEVER been a surprise. She told me a while back...what irks me is HOW MUCH their friendship/relationship(whatever they're calling it) reminds me of what I had w/Rob. It makes me depressed because I once had that,and it was taken away for some reason. She says they decided 2 stay "just friends",but I doubt that. If u guys REALLY like each other, ur not gonna be able 2 stick 2 that for long. I know they text w/each other,so I know they don't JUST talk at work. I know they like each other. I know they've practically become best friends,and I'm betting they can talk to each other about anything and everything. They also met AT WORK; exact same place I met Rob. They both work the same dept; which is how they got 2 each other anyway. EVERYTHING about them(as far as I can tell) is just like me n Rob. =(  This makes me feel further depressed that he's gone. I feel jealous and grief all over again. I wish 2 GOD I could find my bible again. I want 2 try harder at getting right w/my faith,so I can have some peace. plus, I don't wanna condemn my eternity just because I can't quit being a mental case. Case in point..I MISS ROB!!!!!!  =,0 God KNOWS I miss him,and seeing a couple that IS SO MUCH like US;like what WE were; how WE started out as is NOT helping at all! not even a little. =( Rob was still ALIVE when Charity 1st told me about her and Dylan,and I was happy for her then BECAUSE they reminded me how me and Rob started out,but now that Rob is GONE..that feeling of pride and joy turned into depression and jealousy. I don't WANT 2 feel like that! I want PEACE! I really need 2 get out of that job like YESTERDAY! I can't take being there anymore. It's driving me CRAZY!!!! =,(  I've noticed Charity every once in a while, tells me we need 2 have a"girl's night out" sometime. It's SUPPOSED 2 be to HELP ME,and this was all HER idea! She conveniently "forgets" 2 text me her schedule or whatever. I don't care tho! after all, it was HER idea! Honestly, I think she's just out w/Dylan all the time and forgets about me. Its FINE. I did that w/Rob too. I was spending all my time w/him and MORE of my time w/him than anybody else(yep. charity and dylan do that too.) too. I kinda avoid her lately coz she's not as comforting 2 me as she tries 2 be. Not 2 many ppl are. NOBODY can bring Rob back,and I can't fill the hole that his death shot thru my heart.

I'm tired of waking up everyday angry and depressed (both whenever I have 2 work.) I'm tired of wanting 2 destroy things-at the same time crying as I get ready for work. I'm tired of fighting w/ppl because I feel so bad that I just wanna be left alone,and get irritated when ppl bug me,and even tho I don't outwardly show my anger or sadness(not that I know of anyway), they sense it and some get offended,and some feel sorry for me. I'm so SICK of this pain. It's wearing me down. It's making my muscles tense up,and my sleep patterns worse and worse each day/night. I'm sick of mourning. I wish I could STOP. I wish I could get some PEACE!! I already took down Rob's pix and refuse 2 look at them anymore coz I'm tired of crying over him,yet I can't stop. The only sense of relief I seem 2 get is talking 2 that 1 security guard at work! I don't know HOW or why,but I feel better when I talk 2 him.(it's odd, coz he's 1 of the few ppl who thinks I should be over Rob by now.) We both like 2 talk in depth about ghost stories; paranormal experiences, God,and all kinds of other things. For some reason, even when I am feeling down, when I see him walking towards me, I start 2 cheer up much more. I didn't think ANYTHING or ANY 1 could cheer up a GRIEVING person. I am not in ANY way falling in love w/him or anything like that(I know it kinda sounds that way),but I find it very calming;soothing if u will 2 talk 2 him. He can so easily make Rob's death seem unreal and easier 2 deal w/. He can also make it easier for me 2 temporarily forget about him,and I just end up feeling better. Its so odd. How come he's much better at cheering me up than any1 else? lol