so while I'm struggling to retain this faith that I supposedly "have", I'm wondering if I'm a hopeless cause, or work in progress? I want to believe fully 100% in God and that he had a son who died for us and saved us,but I must admit..all the atheists I run into make damn good cases that I can't argue. I don't entirely believe either. I've been feeling like I have a curse on me between these creepy dreams of being touched by something or someone I can't see and not being able to fight back coz I can't move,financial crisis like my inability to get AND keep a job,the loss of my boyfriend, and my inability to understand and remember anything at school,it's really taking it's toll on me. I feel like no amount of praying ever does any good; it's like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear me or worse...doesn't exist. However, how did we all get here without some sort of creator? How did the earth,the planets,and the whole solar system-everything come to be without someone or something putting us and them/it all here? I want to believe in the supernatural/spirits so badly because I want there to be an after-life. If this all there is then what's the point of existing? I don't like the idea existing for a little while only to go back into non-existance. It's easy to see y people get so depressed. I get depressed A LOT and angry. I know my christian friends def caught on to me being a challenge. sometimes, I think they might feel like I'm a hopeless cause. I'm a negative person who doesn't believe in much,but I just sometimes go thru way too much at once or when I do get blessed, I usually get cursed shortly after..my boyfriend was a good example of that. I found an AMAZING guy who loved me back and proved it.
He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(
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