26 year old female seeking male(boyfriend) between the ages of 18-34ish..
Fav Physical Traits(doesn't have 2 be these;just a preference) Hair: Black/Brown; Eyes: Brown Complexion; Tan-ish
Must have LOTS of patience; willing to take things slow. Does not make sex a PRIORITY, or a condition to loving me. (Love is supposed to be unconditional after all.) Must be a total goofball, supportive rather than discouraging of my ambitions in life, my best friend, fun 2 talk 2..if I fall for him,he must feel the same way. Can't be married or have a girlfriend pretending to be single. HONEST. Sweet. A bit emotional sometimes(YES, men..it IS OK to be emotional. u r NOT a robot). Must be there for me in good AND bad times. Must not give up on me...and above all...WILL NOT DIE on me!!!
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Monday, September 16, 2013
my dream about Rob
I just had a dream about Rob. I was supposed 2 be at work,but it def wasn't Sam's I was at. It was a regular grocery store-like a Winn Dixie or something,and somehow, they had me covering a break for a DEMO person. Now in real life, we don't cover breaks for THEM since they don't work work for the STORE, anyway lol. Anywho, Rob just walked right up to me. It's like when u look up, and u see somebody just walking real fast from a certain point as if they had started a while back and are on their way over to u(I dunno know how to describe it),but I had not noticed him come from an aisle or anything. It was completely open in this area. Like, I was in the back over by the deli/produce..those places,so it was pretty open,and I was not facing any of the aisles. It literally seemed like he had been walking for quite some time and only became visible once he was only a couple of feet away from me. He just walked-or might like hurried right over to me and as soon as he was close enough to talk to me, the 1st thing he says is, "do u know what happened to me?" He KNEW he was dead,but he didn't know why/how. I immediately got emotional. I was shocked at 1st to even see him,but when he asked me that I started crying as I told him, "No, I don't. I have no idea what happened to u." He had been suicidal in life,so I asked him, "u didn't do this to urself?" and he looked a me and used this tone of voice as if trying to convince me/trying to clear his name, he said, "No!" he didn't say it,but I sensed he was gonna add, "I would have never killed myself. I didn't wanna die." he never said it,but I think it was kinda left hanging there so 2 speak. I remember throwing myself in his arms, crying, and telling him over and over again how much I miss him. I told him once something all the lines of, "I know I'm supposed 2 live the rest of my life w/o u,but I don't want to. I miss u soooo much!" =( despite him being a ghost, I was able 2 hug him,and even jump in his arms. He had actually picked me up and was holding me. At some point,we had both left the store and were outside talking this time. It was weird. I think he might have mentioned God 2 me at some point,or maybe I did. I had asked him if he had seen God yet. and he was like, "hold on, I 'll go look." as if he was going to get a person,and walked to another side of the parking lot somewhere 2 find him. I don't remember what happened after that.
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
I'm sick of being in love with a dead man
I'm sick of being in love w/a dead man.
I can't talk to u anymore.
I can't be in ur arms anymore.
I can no longer hold ur hand-
or feel a little peace of heaven from seeing ur incredible smile-
coz u don't SMILE anymore.
our conversations r forever over.
done.
extinct.
like u.
I can't text with u anymore,or talk on the phone.
ur just a shadow of the past; a mere memory.
I want 2 forget u,but I can't.
I wish I could.
I try all the time.
I try 2 think of something else-ANYTHING else-
I even try 2 check out hot celebrities online and in movies.
I try 2 check out guys in general,but
none of them even come CLOSE 2 being has handsome as you were.
Even tho I don't wanna be in love ever again, I half hope I find some1 new to focus my attention,but even if I do...
I know it won't be the same.
He can be AMAZING!
He can make me laugh like u did.
I can have endless conversations and never get bored w/him like I did with YOU-
It's possible I can find true love again with another..
but it won't be the same.
He won't be YOU!
I don't know that even if I wanted to, I could feel the same way about another man as I had for you-
and still do.
I wish I could stop obsessing over you.
We had our joy and love together while it lasted, but now u r gone,
and there's nothing I can do to get back what we had.
I can NEVER have u back.
I have to move on now.
I miss u more than any word will ever be able to give justice too.
I know u can't even see what I'm writing about u.
ur DEAD!
even if ur soul is around SOMEWHERE and ur not just "sleeping" in ur gave until resurrection, you'll still be in another dimension-
maybe in heaven w/God,and if ur w/HIM, u won't notice or remember me anyway.
u won't want anything 2 do w/earth ever again nore those of us who u left behind here.
I doubt u even remember 2 adorable boys u have here still.
I'm glad YOU'RE at peace at least,but
I'm still suffering deeply.
You were the best thing that had ever happened 2 me,and u had 2 pass away.
I miss u so much.
I LOVE you so much.
I want my heart back now, ok?
U stole it so long ago
but now that ur dead,
I really want-really NEED my heart back now
so I can end this terrible suffering that makes me sick in heart and soul.
I feel as if I am dying too.
I just don't wanna think about u anymore-
don't wanna keep feeling the pain of ur (permanent) absence from my life.
I'm sick of this huge hole in my heart that I can never fill no matter what I do.
Just please leave me alone?
Take the stupid memories w/u,so that I don't have to remember my loss-
coz I am just so SICK of being in love w/a dead man. =(
I can't talk to u anymore.
I can't be in ur arms anymore.
I can no longer hold ur hand-
or feel a little peace of heaven from seeing ur incredible smile-
coz u don't SMILE anymore.
our conversations r forever over.
done.
extinct.
like u.
I can't text with u anymore,or talk on the phone.
ur just a shadow of the past; a mere memory.
I want 2 forget u,but I can't.
I wish I could.
I try all the time.
I try 2 think of something else-ANYTHING else-
I even try 2 check out hot celebrities online and in movies.
I try 2 check out guys in general,but
none of them even come CLOSE 2 being has handsome as you were.
Even tho I don't wanna be in love ever again, I half hope I find some1 new to focus my attention,but even if I do...
I know it won't be the same.
He can be AMAZING!
He can make me laugh like u did.
I can have endless conversations and never get bored w/him like I did with YOU-
It's possible I can find true love again with another..
but it won't be the same.
He won't be YOU!
I don't know that even if I wanted to, I could feel the same way about another man as I had for you-
and still do.
I wish I could stop obsessing over you.
We had our joy and love together while it lasted, but now u r gone,
and there's nothing I can do to get back what we had.
I can NEVER have u back.
I have to move on now.
I miss u more than any word will ever be able to give justice too.
I know u can't even see what I'm writing about u.
ur DEAD!
even if ur soul is around SOMEWHERE and ur not just "sleeping" in ur gave until resurrection, you'll still be in another dimension-
maybe in heaven w/God,and if ur w/HIM, u won't notice or remember me anyway.
u won't want anything 2 do w/earth ever again nore those of us who u left behind here.
I doubt u even remember 2 adorable boys u have here still.
I'm glad YOU'RE at peace at least,but
I'm still suffering deeply.
You were the best thing that had ever happened 2 me,and u had 2 pass away.
I miss u so much.
I LOVE you so much.
I want my heart back now, ok?
U stole it so long ago
but now that ur dead,
I really want-really NEED my heart back now
so I can end this terrible suffering that makes me sick in heart and soul.
I feel as if I am dying too.
I just don't wanna think about u anymore-
don't wanna keep feeling the pain of ur (permanent) absence from my life.
I'm sick of this huge hole in my heart that I can never fill no matter what I do.
Just please leave me alone?
Take the stupid memories w/u,so that I don't have to remember my loss-
coz I am just so SICK of being in love w/a dead man. =(
Saturday, July 27, 2013
struggles
I hate that I feel this way; jealousy. I KNOW jealousy is a sin,but I just can't help it. I know Charity likes Dylan an all. This has NEVER been a surprise. She told me a while back...what irks me is HOW MUCH their friendship/relationship(whatever they're calling it) reminds me of what I had w/Rob. It makes me depressed because I once had that,and it was taken away for some reason. She says they decided 2 stay "just friends",but I doubt that. If u guys REALLY like each other, ur not gonna be able 2 stick 2 that for long. I know they text w/each other,so I know they don't JUST talk at work. I know they like each other. I know they've practically become best friends,and I'm betting they can talk to each other about anything and everything. They also met AT WORK; exact same place I met Rob. They both work the same dept; which is how they got 2 each other anyway. EVERYTHING about them(as far as I can tell) is just like me n Rob. =( This makes me feel further depressed that he's gone. I feel jealous and grief all over again. I wish 2 GOD I could find my bible again. I want 2 try harder at getting right w/my faith,so I can have some peace. plus, I don't wanna condemn my eternity just because I can't quit being a mental case. Case in point..I MISS ROB!!!!!! =,0 God KNOWS I miss him,and seeing a couple that IS SO MUCH like US;like what WE were; how WE started out as is NOT helping at all! not even a little. =( Rob was still ALIVE when Charity 1st told me about her and Dylan,and I was happy for her then BECAUSE they reminded me how me and Rob started out,but now that Rob is GONE..that feeling of pride and joy turned into depression and jealousy. I don't WANT 2 feel like that! I want PEACE! I really need 2 get out of that job like YESTERDAY! I can't take being there anymore. It's driving me CRAZY!!!! =,( I've noticed Charity every once in a while, tells me we need 2 have a"girl's night out" sometime. It's SUPPOSED 2 be to HELP ME,and this was all HER idea! She conveniently "forgets" 2 text me her schedule or whatever. I don't care tho! after all, it was HER idea! Honestly, I think she's just out w/Dylan all the time and forgets about me. Its FINE. I did that w/Rob too. I was spending all my time w/him and MORE of my time w/him than anybody else(yep. charity and dylan do that too.) too. I kinda avoid her lately coz she's not as comforting 2 me as she tries 2 be. Not 2 many ppl are. NOBODY can bring Rob back,and I can't fill the hole that his death shot thru my heart.
I'm tired of waking up everyday angry and depressed (both whenever I have 2 work.) I'm tired of wanting 2 destroy things-at the same time crying as I get ready for work. I'm tired of fighting w/ppl because I feel so bad that I just wanna be left alone,and get irritated when ppl bug me,and even tho I don't outwardly show my anger or sadness(not that I know of anyway), they sense it and some get offended,and some feel sorry for me. I'm so SICK of this pain. It's wearing me down. It's making my muscles tense up,and my sleep patterns worse and worse each day/night. I'm sick of mourning. I wish I could STOP. I wish I could get some PEACE!! I already took down Rob's pix and refuse 2 look at them anymore coz I'm tired of crying over him,yet I can't stop. The only sense of relief I seem 2 get is talking 2 that 1 security guard at work! I don't know HOW or why,but I feel better when I talk 2 him.(it's odd, coz he's 1 of the few ppl who thinks I should be over Rob by now.) We both like 2 talk in depth about ghost stories; paranormal experiences, God,and all kinds of other things. For some reason, even when I am feeling down, when I see him walking towards me, I start 2 cheer up much more. I didn't think ANYTHING or ANY 1 could cheer up a GRIEVING person. I am not in ANY way falling in love w/him or anything like that(I know it kinda sounds that way),but I find it very calming;soothing if u will 2 talk 2 him. He can so easily make Rob's death seem unreal and easier 2 deal w/. He can also make it easier for me 2 temporarily forget about him,and I just end up feeling better. Its so odd. How come he's much better at cheering me up than any1 else? lol
I'm tired of waking up everyday angry and depressed (both whenever I have 2 work.) I'm tired of wanting 2 destroy things-at the same time crying as I get ready for work. I'm tired of fighting w/ppl because I feel so bad that I just wanna be left alone,and get irritated when ppl bug me,and even tho I don't outwardly show my anger or sadness(not that I know of anyway), they sense it and some get offended,and some feel sorry for me. I'm so SICK of this pain. It's wearing me down. It's making my muscles tense up,and my sleep patterns worse and worse each day/night. I'm sick of mourning. I wish I could STOP. I wish I could get some PEACE!! I already took down Rob's pix and refuse 2 look at them anymore coz I'm tired of crying over him,yet I can't stop. The only sense of relief I seem 2 get is talking 2 that 1 security guard at work! I don't know HOW or why,but I feel better when I talk 2 him.(it's odd, coz he's 1 of the few ppl who thinks I should be over Rob by now.) We both like 2 talk in depth about ghost stories; paranormal experiences, God,and all kinds of other things. For some reason, even when I am feeling down, when I see him walking towards me, I start 2 cheer up much more. I didn't think ANYTHING or ANY 1 could cheer up a GRIEVING person. I am not in ANY way falling in love w/him or anything like that(I know it kinda sounds that way),but I find it very calming;soothing if u will 2 talk 2 him. He can so easily make Rob's death seem unreal and easier 2 deal w/. He can also make it easier for me 2 temporarily forget about him,and I just end up feeling better. Its so odd. How come he's much better at cheering me up than any1 else? lol
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Grief(tribute 2 Rob)
I wish I could stop thinking about you-
about what happened.
I wish I could stop being knocked down by the memories; by the flashbacks that suffocate me whenever I go to work-the place where we 1st met and fell in love.
I wish you were still here and that I didn't have to wake up each and every day remembering that you are gone now.
coz each and everyday feels like a constant punch in the stomach.
I feel like a demon w/ razor sharp claws is reaching inside of me-ripping me open; ripping me from the inside out; turning me inside out like a shirt being taken off and hurled to the floor.
I'm tired of having the illusion for a while that, maybe I'll be ok now,and then out of nowhere, the smallest thing will set me off-
like a hurricane, my illusion of peace is just the eye,but the storm is never over.
before I know it, the tears will come again like the great flood u read about in the bible-or like a tsunami/tidal wave/hurricane..
any disaster u can think of- that is how POWERFUL my emotions are.
I had such high hopes for you; I thought u would pull through.
I thought we had a future together,but at last, despite my begging pleas to God 2 let me keep u-
he took u from me anyway- in the blink of an eye.
Not just from ME-
but ur family too.
ur parents.
ur sisters.
and most importantly...
ur sons.
2 little boys who haven't seen their father in 2 years,and now never will again.
2 little boys who I know u missed terribly,and it sucks that u didn't get 2 see them 1 last time before u departed.
Not 2 truly quote the remix song for and by Aaliyah, but...
I miss u.
ur family misses u.
Even some of our coworkers miss u.
Ted and Sherry miss u-I know u liked them as much as I do. They r really sweet people. =)
Even Andrew is sorry about ur loss-even tho u 2 didn't like each other; he didn't get 2 know u the way the rest of us did-he didn't know u were a nicer man than u allowed him 2 see,but he thinks u didn't deserve this either.
Damn, I miss you!
You were my heart and my soul; my soul mate.
You told me once that I would go on 2 do great things in the world and 2 never forget u.
u said that 2 me MONTHS before u died.
I will never forget u-I can't.
I want 2 just for the sake of easing the pain,but I know I can't.
I can never forget how I finally found true love-something I didn't believe in.
I can never forget how I finally had a REAL man- once again,
something I didn't believe in.
and of course...
unconditional love.
something we were BOTH seeking and found in each other. =,)
I miss u, Sweetie.
R.I.P.
I pray I see u again in heaven someday.
I don't want this 2 be the end of US.
about what happened.
I wish I could stop being knocked down by the memories; by the flashbacks that suffocate me whenever I go to work-the place where we 1st met and fell in love.
I wish you were still here and that I didn't have to wake up each and every day remembering that you are gone now.
coz each and everyday feels like a constant punch in the stomach.
I feel like a demon w/ razor sharp claws is reaching inside of me-ripping me open; ripping me from the inside out; turning me inside out like a shirt being taken off and hurled to the floor.
I'm tired of having the illusion for a while that, maybe I'll be ok now,and then out of nowhere, the smallest thing will set me off-
like a hurricane, my illusion of peace is just the eye,but the storm is never over.
before I know it, the tears will come again like the great flood u read about in the bible-or like a tsunami/tidal wave/hurricane..
any disaster u can think of- that is how POWERFUL my emotions are.
I had such high hopes for you; I thought u would pull through.
I thought we had a future together,but at last, despite my begging pleas to God 2 let me keep u-
he took u from me anyway- in the blink of an eye.
Not just from ME-
but ur family too.
ur parents.
ur sisters.
and most importantly...
ur sons.
2 little boys who haven't seen their father in 2 years,and now never will again.
2 little boys who I know u missed terribly,and it sucks that u didn't get 2 see them 1 last time before u departed.
Not 2 truly quote the remix song for and by Aaliyah, but...
I miss u.
ur family misses u.
Even some of our coworkers miss u.
Ted and Sherry miss u-I know u liked them as much as I do. They r really sweet people. =)
Even Andrew is sorry about ur loss-even tho u 2 didn't like each other; he didn't get 2 know u the way the rest of us did-he didn't know u were a nicer man than u allowed him 2 see,but he thinks u didn't deserve this either.
Damn, I miss you!
You were my heart and my soul; my soul mate.
You told me once that I would go on 2 do great things in the world and 2 never forget u.
u said that 2 me MONTHS before u died.
I will never forget u-I can't.
I want 2 just for the sake of easing the pain,but I know I can't.
I can never forget how I finally found true love-something I didn't believe in.
I can never forget how I finally had a REAL man- once again,
something I didn't believe in.
and of course...
unconditional love.
something we were BOTH seeking and found in each other. =,)
I miss u, Sweetie.
R.I.P.
I pray I see u again in heaven someday.
I don't want this 2 be the end of US.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
I hate every little way I feel lately!
WHY is it I still wish I could(re-meet) and get 2 know a guy I haven't seen in 7 years and doesn't remember me? I'm not crushing on him again like back then. That's in the PAST. I've usually had no problem getting over a guy and leaving him IN the past?? WHY do I wanna get 2 know him so bad? WHY do I wanna go back to Illinois and hopefully run into him while I'm there?? WHY do I now want 2 meet his family so bad?? What is it ABOUT these ppl(who I have NEVER met) that makes me pray on it/wish so bad I could meet them?? I cannot BELIEVE how INSANE I am going! Is this a symptom of GRIEF? why is it I can't keep much of ANYTHING to myself? I know damn good and well that ppl r gonna think I am CRAAAAAZY when I say this shit out loud! WHY did I have 2 lose my boyfriend in the 1st place? yeah, I stressed out and had my fights w/him at times,but I was HAPPY!! WHY did I have to be robbed of my happiness??? I've been going out of my MIND(even worse than usual) since he died! It isn't fair! I hate how UNHAPPY I feel when I go to work. I used to LOVE going into that place,but now I HATE it; I resent it! I spend most of the day in a fit of rage and wanting 2 punch some1 out. Other times, I am OK;calm or mellow-like. And the other half my day running off to the bathroom so many times to cry. I MISS HIM,and it's driving me CRAAAAAZY!! >.< =( I want to run away but have no where to go(no money or time),and I still can't get away from the MEMORIES!! =( There is far too much death going on this year! each and every death I hear about drives me INSANE because it makes me re-live the news that the LOVE OF MY LIFE passed away! =,( I just can't find much comfort for long no matter where I turn. I don't even have awesome daydreams to get me thru the crap that is reality coz I used 2 have so many fantasies about a man I was falling in love w/so quickly who FINALLY became mine,but a few months later dies on me. It sucks!! =,( I want to run away and get out of town somehow! I just want to leave an travel the world..and just keep traveling! bouncing around from place to place before I have a chance to get 2 close 2 ppl I meet coz I just don't want anymore attachments to any1. >.< =( I want to get RELIEF,but I just CAN'T! =,(
Friday, June 21, 2013
I gatta really think this "order" out
ok, so my mom told me AGES ago to make a list of what I desire in a man. I already had a mental list,and Rob fit just about everything on my mental list...I had 2 lose him tho..so...let's try this AGAIN! >.< ok, I want the usual: the guy who treats me w/respects/loves me as I am(all things Rob possessed). A guy who is my best friend,and who i can talk to about ANYTHING/just loves spending time w/me w/no demands/pressure or anything(AGAIN, like Rob), makes me laugh, is sensitive w/o being OVERLY sensitive,would protect me,etc...BUT....he CANNOT be a drug addict,and he CANNOT have a mental disorder where he hates himself so much that he tries 2 kill himself. he CANNOT be an alcoholic...oh..and he needs 2 LIVE!!! how about he STAY ALIVE???!! how about that??? is THAT 2 much 2 ask???!! am I FORGETTING something??? is there something else I haven't mentioned that I would like 2 avoid??? if I think of it, I will DEF add that to my list! >.< I want a man who I am actually meant 2 be w/ for a LONG time. maybe for LIFE,not just 3 months/10 months...how about a man w/ Rob's triats(the good ones) and is meant 2 STAY ALIVE!!! >.<
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
I've been writing a lot of stuff about u for a long time now
Baby, I really hope u didn't kill urself. I really hope this is an accident.
U have no idea what pain I'm going thru right now.
I used 2 ALWAYS tell u, "I DON'T want 2 LOSE u." and I MEANT IT!!
I TOLD u, I meant it!
I've been crying for almost 4 days now since ur dad broke the news to me.
I felt shitty coz I had JUST talked to u on the phone that very same day before I went to work.
about 7/8 hours later when I got home, ur dad called me(from UR ph no less) to tell me u had died.
u used to text me ALL the time,so now i always think I'm hearing the sound my ph makes when I get texts but when I check,I have no new texts.
It's driving me CRAZY,so I had to change my text sound..AND my ring tone coz I couldn't stand to hear those alerts anymore.
they drive me crazy.
I miss u sooo fucking much, u have no idea.
ur family misses u.
I'm def sure ur sons miss u.
I bet they're grieving just as bad as I am right now.
I wish u could see and hear everything that is going on right now. Did u know ur step mom asked me if I was pregnant?? did u know she was HOPING I was??remember how I didn't wanna sleep w/u because I didn't wanna get pregnant?? a part of me wishes we had and that we were gonna have a baby for the same reason ur step mom was hoping for it...so we'd have a sort of piece of u 2 remember u by.
did u know she ALSO told me REPEATEDLY how I could have been her daughter-in-law someday? do u know much that HURT for me 2 hear??
the good news is, I finally got to see pics of ur sons, even tho they're BABY pics-not current ones. but I finally got to see em. I loved seeing pics of holding ur son. it made my heart melt. I have 1 or 2 of em now of u holding...I think it's Robbie in both those pics.
I was crying over u for days in end,now I'm just pissed off.
I'm pissed coz I'm starting to think u committed suicide..only this time u succeeded. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope ur fucking satisfied!
I hope ur happy u hurt a whole bunch of ppl at 1 fucking time!
if that isn't true,and it was an accident, I am so sorry,and I'm gonna miss u so much.
There's not a day that goes by I don't miss u.
I am actually wearing 1 of ur old shirts now.
I know u hated this 1-thought it looked gay on u,but I thought it looked damn good on u.
u looked so dressed up and STUNNING.
u didn't think u were attractive,but I always thought u did.
u had an AMAZING smile and BEAUTIFUL eyes.
my friend came over 2 cheer me up coz I'm grieving over u..she saw ur pic and said u were cute.
she thought u were a total cutie,and u were.
remember when u said I should find some1else,and I told u I didn't want any1 else and I even said, "y should I? so I can lose THAT guy too?" remember? I STILL feel like that!
I don't WANT any1 else!
I had the best guy already,and now ur gone.
remember when I said that being in love and relationships always blows up in my face??
well babe,it fucking happened AGAIN!
just like it ALWAYS does.
I'm THRU!
I never want 2 fall in love again.
EVER!
I'm SICK of never getting the guy-or
I'm SICK of getting the guy and then he either treats me like CRAP-OR..
DIES!
Fuck it! I can't have any1!
Piss on it!
I'm done!
I'm through.
I'm not meant to have LIFE LONG true love.
I had it,and now I don't.
ur gone.
I will never see u again.
I will never kiss u again.
I will never be in ur arms again.
I will never get to have u look at me and give me a goofy smile when I'm in a bad mood and make me laugh,then u tell me, "there u r" again.
I will never again get to hold ur hand, or walk and talk w/u on the beach.
I will never get to talk u again.
I will never get to pick on u again.
Hell, I won't even get to fight w/u again.
yeah, oddly enough, I miss that too.
U were my happiness,so I guess that's y u had 2 die, right?
U made me happy,so like anything else that makes me happy, u had 2 be taken from me!
I should have known this would happen.
It always does.
Fuck Love. >.<
U have no idea what pain I'm going thru right now.
I used 2 ALWAYS tell u, "I DON'T want 2 LOSE u." and I MEANT IT!!
I TOLD u, I meant it!
I've been crying for almost 4 days now since ur dad broke the news to me.
I felt shitty coz I had JUST talked to u on the phone that very same day before I went to work.
about 7/8 hours later when I got home, ur dad called me(from UR ph no less) to tell me u had died.
u used to text me ALL the time,so now i always think I'm hearing the sound my ph makes when I get texts but when I check,I have no new texts.
It's driving me CRAZY,so I had to change my text sound..AND my ring tone coz I couldn't stand to hear those alerts anymore.
they drive me crazy.
I miss u sooo fucking much, u have no idea.
ur family misses u.
I'm def sure ur sons miss u.
I bet they're grieving just as bad as I am right now.
I wish u could see and hear everything that is going on right now. Did u know ur step mom asked me if I was pregnant?? did u know she was HOPING I was??remember how I didn't wanna sleep w/u because I didn't wanna get pregnant?? a part of me wishes we had and that we were gonna have a baby for the same reason ur step mom was hoping for it...so we'd have a sort of piece of u 2 remember u by.
did u know she ALSO told me REPEATEDLY how I could have been her daughter-in-law someday? do u know much that HURT for me 2 hear??
the good news is, I finally got to see pics of ur sons, even tho they're BABY pics-not current ones. but I finally got to see em. I loved seeing pics of holding ur son. it made my heart melt. I have 1 or 2 of em now of u holding...I think it's Robbie in both those pics.
I was crying over u for days in end,now I'm just pissed off.
I'm pissed coz I'm starting to think u committed suicide..only this time u succeeded. CONGRATULATIONS! I hope ur fucking satisfied!
I hope ur happy u hurt a whole bunch of ppl at 1 fucking time!
if that isn't true,and it was an accident, I am so sorry,and I'm gonna miss u so much.
There's not a day that goes by I don't miss u.
I am actually wearing 1 of ur old shirts now.
I know u hated this 1-thought it looked gay on u,but I thought it looked damn good on u.
u looked so dressed up and STUNNING.
u didn't think u were attractive,but I always thought u did.
u had an AMAZING smile and BEAUTIFUL eyes.
my friend came over 2 cheer me up coz I'm grieving over u..she saw ur pic and said u were cute.
she thought u were a total cutie,and u were.
remember when u said I should find some1else,and I told u I didn't want any1 else and I even said, "y should I? so I can lose THAT guy too?" remember? I STILL feel like that!
I don't WANT any1 else!
I had the best guy already,and now ur gone.
remember when I said that being in love and relationships always blows up in my face??
well babe,it fucking happened AGAIN!
just like it ALWAYS does.
I'm THRU!
I never want 2 fall in love again.
EVER!
I'm SICK of never getting the guy-or
I'm SICK of getting the guy and then he either treats me like CRAP-OR..
DIES!
Fuck it! I can't have any1!
Piss on it!
I'm done!
I'm through.
I'm not meant to have LIFE LONG true love.
I had it,and now I don't.
ur gone.
I will never see u again.
I will never kiss u again.
I will never be in ur arms again.
I will never get to have u look at me and give me a goofy smile when I'm in a bad mood and make me laugh,then u tell me, "there u r" again.
I will never again get to hold ur hand, or walk and talk w/u on the beach.
I will never get to talk u again.
I will never get to pick on u again.
Hell, I won't even get to fight w/u again.
yeah, oddly enough, I miss that too.
U were my happiness,so I guess that's y u had 2 die, right?
U made me happy,so like anything else that makes me happy, u had 2 be taken from me!
I should have known this would happen.
It always does.
Fuck Love. >.<
FUCK EVERYTHING!!!
so here's the dealy-oh! as fucking USUAL,whenever something or SOME1 makes me happy, life has 2 take that away from me! EVERY FUCKING TIME!!!!!! >=0 My boyfriend..my AMAZING boyfriend who I've been blogging about on here for MONTHS!! almost a YEAR..FUCKING DIED on Saturday! brillaint aint it?? ironically, my most recent post was on Thursday-the last time I saw him in person. I got my last kiss and hug w/him..the only hug and kiss I'll ever get from him coz he's GONE!! fucking brilliant! he was released form the hospital Friday,and he talked and texted w/me then,and I talked to him 1 more time on Sat. literally right before I went to work,but the call got dropped on us. he never called back,and neither did I. (I wish I had.) I decided I needed 2 get 2 work,and I didn't get off work till 9. well..9:30 or 10 rolls around,and I think I'm getting a call from my man coz the call was from HIS phone,but it wasn't HIM! it was his FATHER telling me that Rob just died earlier that day. He had him rushed to the hospital,but they couldn't revive him. He was unconscious..today I spoke w/Rob's step mom,and she told me his lips were blue,and he had a lot of foam in his mouth. Brilliant. I've been crying on and off again for all those days..including some today,but now here it's 4 in the morning, I'm wide awake and very much pissed off. I'm glad for that coz I'm SICK of crying. I'm MAD AS HELL! I feel like, y the FUCK was such an AMAZING man sent into my life JUST so he could be taken from me so shortly? u know what else is fucked up??? Rob's step mom told me a bunch of times how I could have been her daughter-in-law. I've thought of that myself,and it's eating me up like acid to know that that will NEVER happen now.
She ALSO asked me if I was pregnant,and I could tel she was HOPING for it coz it would def be the last bit of "Rob" either of us have. I don't even WANT 2 get prego or none of that,but a part of me wishes I HAD gone all the way w/Rob and HAD gotten prego,so that I too would have "a piece" of Rob left. Right now I just feel like, "u know what, life? u just love 2 FUCK me..well guess what? FUCK U RIGHT BACK!! FUCK U!!!!!!" >=0 Fuck u and all the hurt u caused A LOT of ppl! FUCK U!! u stole the love of my life away from me. u stole away a nice man's(who, like me, bent over BACKWARDS 2 try and help Rob out w/everything) son, u stole away 2 women's younger brother,and FINALLY, u stole away 2 boys's father! 2 boys who haven't seen their father in 2 YEARS!! and now they'll NEVER see him again! FUCK U!!! just FUCK U!!!! >=0 I actually LIKE Rob's dad,and I've had my moments where I thought, "I would LOVE to have him as a my father-in-law. He's a really sweet guy. I can see where his son gets it." But, no U just couldn't let ANY of that happen. U know what life, u've fucked me over w/SO many things,but this 1 just takes the fucking cake! I was NEVER able to have the guy! EVER! but this was just downright EVIL! instead of him not reciprocating my feelings,or him breaking up w/me,or cheating on me, he had to DIE! he had 2 fucking DIE! FUCK U! I hope ur happy. because of this last failed attempt at true love..a DRASTIC failed 1 at that, I'm fucking done. I don't want any1 else. I don't ever wanna be in love w/another man,coz u'll just take HIM from me too I'm sure. Even if I manage to love again, I'll just end up either never getting the guy,or I'll get him for a SHORT time,and then he'll just be taken from me too. he'll either turn into an asshole,get sick of me,break up w/me,cheat on me, or maybe HE will die too just like Rob. FUCK U! Cupid or whoever/WHATEVER fate decides I need 2 be in love..LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FROM NOW ON! DON'T U EVER-I MEAN EVER CAUSE ME 2 FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! U HEAR ME??!! FUCK U! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SICK OF PAYING A HEAVY PRICE FOR FALLING IN LOVE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! I'm gonna be the crazy cat(or dog) lady who never finds any1 coz that's what I'm meant for, obviously! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! >=0 =,( I'm SICK of being robbed of my happiness(no pun intended).=,( T_T
She ALSO asked me if I was pregnant,and I could tel she was HOPING for it coz it would def be the last bit of "Rob" either of us have. I don't even WANT 2 get prego or none of that,but a part of me wishes I HAD gone all the way w/Rob and HAD gotten prego,so that I too would have "a piece" of Rob left. Right now I just feel like, "u know what, life? u just love 2 FUCK me..well guess what? FUCK U RIGHT BACK!! FUCK U!!!!!!" >=0 Fuck u and all the hurt u caused A LOT of ppl! FUCK U!! u stole the love of my life away from me. u stole away a nice man's(who, like me, bent over BACKWARDS 2 try and help Rob out w/everything) son, u stole away 2 women's younger brother,and FINALLY, u stole away 2 boys's father! 2 boys who haven't seen their father in 2 YEARS!! and now they'll NEVER see him again! FUCK U!!! just FUCK U!!!! >=0 I actually LIKE Rob's dad,and I've had my moments where I thought, "I would LOVE to have him as a my father-in-law. He's a really sweet guy. I can see where his son gets it." But, no U just couldn't let ANY of that happen. U know what life, u've fucked me over w/SO many things,but this 1 just takes the fucking cake! I was NEVER able to have the guy! EVER! but this was just downright EVIL! instead of him not reciprocating my feelings,or him breaking up w/me,or cheating on me, he had to DIE! he had 2 fucking DIE! FUCK U! I hope ur happy. because of this last failed attempt at true love..a DRASTIC failed 1 at that, I'm fucking done. I don't want any1 else. I don't ever wanna be in love w/another man,coz u'll just take HIM from me too I'm sure. Even if I manage to love again, I'll just end up either never getting the guy,or I'll get him for a SHORT time,and then he'll just be taken from me too. he'll either turn into an asshole,get sick of me,break up w/me,cheat on me, or maybe HE will die too just like Rob. FUCK U! Cupid or whoever/WHATEVER fate decides I need 2 be in love..LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE FROM NOW ON! DON'T U EVER-I MEAN EVER CAUSE ME 2 FALL IN LOVE AGAIN! U HEAR ME??!! FUCK U! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SICK OF PAYING A HEAVY PRICE FOR FALLING IN LOVE! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! I'm gonna be the crazy cat(or dog) lady who never finds any1 coz that's what I'm meant for, obviously! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!! >=0 =,( I'm SICK of being robbed of my happiness(no pun intended).=,( T_T
Thursday, May 30, 2013
A very heartfelt/touching kind of story
I usually only HEAR about other people's heart-felt type stories,but I never thought I'd have my own to tell. These past months..or year or...however far back everything tied to it counts or something, has been very emotional and a big challenge. I met and fell in love w/my best friend from work and so much has happened since then. The beginning of the challenges I guess I could say started before we even started dating. He got to where he would think I said or did something horrible to him and tell me to never talk to him again. I would get upset,fearful of losing my best friend and the love of my life over something I didn't do. In the past,when shit like this happened, I would just give up and walk away before taking on any more hurt but for some reason, I could NOT give up on this 1. I am the QUEEN of giving up usually,but I couldn't give up on HIM. I've wanted to give up and walk away SO many times because I got tired of always having to explain myself to him when I didn't need to. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and KNEW he was making it all up in his head. It was stressing me out-STILL stresses me out NOW,but I had this voice in my head ALWAYS telling me, "don't give up on him. don't give up on this 1. keep trying. talk to him." so I would keep talking to him and keep thinking he was going to ignore me,but he would actually talk. We were always able to work through the issues and our friendship was saved.
This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work. I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.
I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.
I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested. We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!
This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work. I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.
I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.
I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested. We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!
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