my mom thinks that despite her efforts to raise me and my brother in a "normal" way,she still ended up making us "emotionally crippled" or however she put it the other night. lol grant it,my grandmother made some not so wise decisions in her life that caused my mom,aunts,and uncle to have all these issues that they still have to this day. Now make ur way down the line to the next generation. My brother at 15 is way more interested in computer ganes,and the military(he's in ROTC and plans to join the marines after high school) than he is in girls. The thing is tho,my brother likes this girl who's a friend of the family. They've known each other since they were little kids,and her sisters,and brother,and parents,and us...we all knew each other since forever. I was 11 or 12 when we met,and I am now 24(going on 25 in 2 months) My brother,like me is NOT going to admit when he likes some1 coz rejection is the most painful thing to deal w/. Also, we have both discovered it is far better to have them as ur friend,than to not have them at all. Not to mention,she lives in kinda far from us anyway,so he never sees her.
Now,on to ME. I have SHITTY luck w/men. period. Even as a teenager. It just NEVER changed. My mom also sees that her 24 yr old straight daughter is skittish around men. um yes,but not because of YOU. coz men r ASSHOLES! too many are damned good actors. They ACT like gentleman. They ACT like they respect ur wishes and boundaries,etc. They will SAY ANYTHING they think u wanna hear to have their way w/u(atleast that's been my experience). my last boyfriend was like this. He's a dope user,he works 4 walmart,and doesn't intend to ever change that. I have too much ambition,I don't wanna get pregnant,coz I'm in college,and fighting to have a future. This guy hurt me so bad,worse than just breaking my heart. He was going way too fast,and could be scary at times. I can't put into WORDS what I went thru dating him. The humilaiton. His stupidity. I just can't trust guys anymore. Not after THAT! Not to mention that things went right back to how they were before. Guys I like NEVER feel the same about me. EVER! I was falling for a really nice guy I met at school,and it turned out he had a girlfriend. =( They broke up later,but I now find they are back together.
The 1st guy I ever fell for back in high school,was 1 of my friends...until he found out how I felt about him. I couldn't even have him as a friend anymore. He wouldn't talk to me-always avoided me like the plague,and when he DID talk to me,I couldn't even tease him anymore.(we used to pick on each other alot) He would always get so pissed, and fly off the handle at me. So,yeah EXCUSE ME if I don't ever "make a move"; tell a guy when I like him. I'm SICK of it blowing up in my face! guys want me?? they have to come to ME. I'M not chasing them,no matter HOW MUCH I like him. EVER! >.<
My mother doesn't understand it isn't anything SHE did. I have LOUSY luck w/men,and it has NOTHING to do w/anything SHE'S done. The ONLY thing that has to do w/her,is my wanting to stay abstinent till marriage. She kept telling me about her ,and my dad. How me and my half brother were born at the same time,and how that whole mess happened. She USED 2 tell me I'm better off waiting. I noticed she doesn't care 1 way or other now,but I still do. I have watched WAY 2 many ppl(quite a bit my own FRIENDS) get screwed over by a guy. He knocks her up,and leaves her. Tells ppl the kid aint his,and there was a "maternity test" to prove otherwise. She says he was the ONLY guy she's ever slept w/ UGH! Too much drama!! I DON'T WANT THAT! >.< I REFUSE 2 give any guy the opportunity to ruin my life,my reputation,and hurt our child. making that poor kid wonder what THEY did wrong,and y daddy doesn't love him/her. Nope. REFUSE!! I am NOT ready for a kid at this time,so I will NOT even take the risk. DEAL W/IT!
There just isn't any1 for me out there,and I refuse to look anymore. I'm done. Mom this ISN'T UR DOING!! this is my OWN RETCHED luck w/men! Come to think of it,I believe my brother has watched me get hurt often enough too,that he won't tell girls when he likes them. Coz seeing me get hurt all the time has made him shy away. Either that,or he really does like the computer more than girls. I dunno. Just my theory. My mom really thinks she's screwed us up. This y I am sooooo grateful for this crush I am having on a man I don't know,and would never stand a chance w/anyway because he is married. I don't have to worry about a broken heart,or having to go faster than I am ready for. I'm safe,and I like it that way! >.<
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