Just when I thought I had FINALLY,leanred my lesson and stopped making
these mistakes w/guys,I turn around and make another,dumbass decision. There's a reason y certain people become ur PAST! They should prolly STAY ur past but this 1 I couldn't help. My very 1st bf from waaaaaaaay back in the 6TH GRADE-14 YEARS ago,has actually searched,ENDLESSLY for me(he told me himself),has actually found me on facebook. I, like a dumbass,instead of pretending not to recognize him or SOMETHING,accepted his friend request,and I started talking to him. Ok,so I should have never let him come back into my life. Just when I thought I'd figured out how 2 quit making retarded decisions about men, I go and do something stupid like that. WHY? I DON'T KNOW! He comes from a part of my past that I am so GLAD 2 be rid of and unfortunately for him,he's PART of that past I never wanted to see or hear from again. For some idiotic reason,I thought just talking to him online won't be such a bad thing-that is IF all we did was talk ONLINE! but noooooooooooooooooo,HE wanted to come VISIT TOO! I should have KNOWN he would try this!!! 14 years apparently,has made me forget just how OBSSESSED w/me he can be! I thought it wouldn't be any harm to just be FRIENDS again,but nooooo.
Even after 14 years,he STILL hasn't moved on. Silly me for thinking that was long enough for him to be over his obsession. Silly me for thinking,he would be OVER me after 14 years. I'M even over the guy that I WAS IN LOVE W/ WHEN I FELL IN LOVE FOR THE 1ST TIME 9 YEARS AGO!! oh,and the HEART BREAK that came 7 YEARS,ago! COMPLETELY.OVER IT! For some reason,I thought I could just go back to being friends and find out how thing have been since the last time I saw him. Nope. U can NEVER just be friends again once u get into ANY relationship for ANY amount of time. Even when it was 14 years ago,the results r still the same. After so many short term relationships over the years and all,he thinks he's just gonna look me up,walk back into my life,and pick up where we left off. Let's see..last time I saw u,I was 11 years old!! I was in a school where I had to worry about getting jumped everyday of my life,from the bus to school itself(anywhere I walked),and even in the classrooms. I couldn't get a BREAK! everyday it was sometimes different kids and/or the SAME kids,always wanting to jump me for no reason.
My ex was my ONLY friend in the whole school and when I found out he REALLY liked me,I was flattered. I also didn't know what to do. I was a major loose cannon back then. I was always paranoid,always jumpy,and always stressed out. When he asked me if I wanted to be his gf, I was like "uh if u want." I didn't know what to say. I didn't know if I wanted to be w/him or not. I was only 11 and just grateful that SOMEBODY in that damn school liked me;SOMEBODY wasn't interested in fighting me for a change. It wasn't so bad in the beginning. I mean,all I remember is we walked all over the school together holding hands but still pretty much hanging out like we already did b4. lolThe problem was,he slowly started to become a CREEP! He would write me little "love" notes(if u could call them that.) I can't remember what they said,but the notes soon turned into notes about wanting to undress me,and all kinds of creepy shit like that. He became possessive and OBsessive! I can't remember how long this went on for before I finally broke up w/him and when I did,he started acting like a drama queen BABY! I SERIOUSLY thought he was about to cry but u know the funny thing tho,is he cheated on me! I mean,it was no big deal,coz I was about to dump him anyway,and this gave me the PERFECT excuse to do it. ya know, in a way that wouldn't make me look so cold hearted.(oh yeah,the fact that he was so CLINGY,was another reason I wanted it to end,altho I guess that does w/the whole obsessive/possesive thing.)
Anyway,I remember approaching him,and he was walking up TO me,holding hands w/some girl I'd never seen before. I must have had this whole SHOCKED look on my face,and I know the girl did too. I just remember that we both broke up w/him and then discovered we had a class together,so we started hanging out after that. lol of course my EX,doesn't remember ANY of this. surprise surprise. *rolls eyes* it happened 14 years ago,and he's still gonna deny it. whatever. not like I care,but I DO care that he's lying. I HATE liars! >.< Things seemed cool at 1st when he started coming over and hanging out. I had fun at 1st,but I could tell that the old him was slowly,making his way to the surface. The last time he was at my house,I was tired as HELL that day,so I didn't wanna go anywhere. We ended up watching a movie on my laptop(he is OBSSESSED w/watching movies ALL the time!),and we sat side by side on the couch. Well,he kept inching way CLOSER,to me,and then he stretched his arm around the back of the couch BEHIND me. Mind u,I was TIRED,so I wanted nothing more but to lean my head back and doze. But asshole had his ARM there,and he KNEW I was tired and prolly expected me to do JUST that! talk about a way to to "trick" me into leaning against him in 1 form or other. >.< I ended up leaning way forward,so I was nowhere near him in touching distance. this made my back hurt and made me further cranky,as I was tired enough already.
He seems to be getting a little possessive again.The old him is coming back out in LITTLE ways,but ways that r OBVIOUS 2 me! He is not the ONLY possessive guy I've dated. I've had others SINCE him. I know the signs very well now. There was a job I put in for and hoped I would get it that week,in which case I wouldn't be home for him to come visit anyway. Well, I admit,when he asked me if I got the job-I didn't answer. Several days later,he asked me again,and this time I answerd. I told him I didn't and he asked y I didn't tell him that,we coulda hung out. That's EXACTLY y I didn't tell him. I didn't WANT 2 hang out. Also,he practically shit a brick when I told him I didn't wanna have kids. Mind u we r not married,not even so much as DATING,so does this even MATTER to him? it's really weird. he wants to have kids someday,I don't. that tells me,this guy is making some SERIOUS plans around me,after BRIEFLY coming back into my life after 14 YEARS!! I sense obsession,and I don't like it. I'm not in love w/him,never have been,and prolly never WILL be. I've tried too hard,for too long,to guard my heart,and I've FINALLY succeeded at it. HE was my 1ST mistake. 1st bf. 1st mistake. I don't WANT him,and I never will. I've already TOLD him I'm not getting into any more relationships. My last bf burned me BAD!(metophorically speaking of course.)
I dunno how to explain this any better,I just want him out of my life again. I dunno,at the very least,I don't want 2 hang out w/him 1 on 1! I want my friends w/me next time we hang out and until that happens, I'll be making lame ass excuses to keep from hurting his tiny feelings. lol He should have thought of this b4 he went searching obsessively for me again. I couldn't wait to get away from him then,and I 'm right back to that "I can't wait to get away from him." feeling again. lol
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