Tears

tears. tears. go away. Never come back another day.
Know this right now, that no matter how many of u I shed..
It will never be enough to ease the pain..
No matter how many I shed, nothing will ever bring him back..
tears. tears. please go?
You will never be enough to ease my pain.
I will cry and cry and somewhat "feel better" for a while..
but out of the blue-
any little thing-
like the holidays or his birthday-
or some random memory will come into play..
making me think of him and how much I miss him
and I will just cry and cry all over again.
Please leave me be?
I don't want to hurt anymore.
tears. tears. so MANY tears.
nothing will ever erase the memories that are nothing but MEMORIES now
because he is gone,and we cannot make new ones.
Tears. tears. just GO AWAY!
He is gone and will NEVER come back.
Just let me be.
Let me move on with my life.
I just want it to stop hurting.

I have 2 get this out SOMEWHERE lol

I don't want 2 admit this 2 ANY1-not even my own best friend.  I def do not approve of the way  things work out even if the outcome is "positive." the thing is-I have a crush on a married man. yep. I know I have done this before,but at least the married man I crushed on before was not someone I personally know. he was a celebrity who this kinda thing is expected to happen to him I guess. I dunno. wanna know the irony? he's a PASTOR. yep. pastor of the church a few friends of mine talked me into going to because I was falling apart in the WORST ways over losing Rob(my boyfriend). All this man was supposed to do was help me. I had a lot of questions,and he had answers. my faith is not 100%-not even 50%,and I needed some advice. some kind of "therapy" if u will. He was a HUGE help,and even made me feel a lot better than I had in 6 months over losing the love of my life. ok, well, I was NOT supposed to get a crush on him. this was NOT part of the plan at ALL. so this is driving me bananas,and nobody I personally know reads my blogs,so this is where I will get this out at. each time I see this pastor, I go more gaga over him. the thing that sucks is that he flirts w/me. I dunno if he is REALLY attracted to me,or if he is goofing around/trying to boost my self-esteem. either way, I LIKE it,and I shouldn't. =( he is MARRIED and has 3 kids. but I amm SO attracted to him. I get GOOFY when I'm around him. I smile like an idiot. I think about him A LOT. I KNOW I will NEVER act on this crush. I will never try 2 kiss him,sleep w/him,or even so much as hold his hand,but he does hug me,and I don't mind. he hugs every1else from church too,so it isn't really so bad. besides, what am I gonna do? say, "oh, I'm sorry. u can't hug me anymore because I have a huge crush on u,and I enjoy it way too much. u r married,so I cannot accept this." it's idiotic! am I supposed 2 turn down a hug just because I ENJOY it? even if I'm getting  it from a married man? isn't everything to do w/God supposed to give us joy somehow? HE trusts me, lol. I mean, in a way, I guess u could say God sent me this man's direction to begin w/- KNOWING I was gonna develop a GIGANTIC crush on  him. lol it doesn't help that he sometimes calls me a "beauty" or "cutie". HEY! stop exciting me like that! u MUST not encourage me like that! DON'T!! I LIKE it,and I SHOULDN'T! I know I will never act on this crush,but I fear if it continues 2 grow,it will become OBVIOUS to every1. I don't want certain ppl(especially not him OR his WIFE) to figure out I LIKE him. I would never be able 2 face these ppl again. =( my crush HAS been getting bigger all the time. I don't think there has EVER been a time in all my history that somebody somewhere has NOT found out about my having a crush and who it's on. lol. but DAMN he is CUUUUUUUUUUUTE! he is FIIIIIIIIIIINE!  *drools* he has become my damn HEART THROB! but I shall keep that to myself. I am not a homewrecker. never have been. never will be. I am a PROFESSIONAL at denying myself-at least when it comes to men. lol. I just had 2 get this out of my system. I LIKE THE GUY!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS CRUSH ON HIM! AHHHHHHHH! ok, now it's (kinda) out of my system. lol

what is a crush?

What is a crush?
A crush is something that comes when u least expect it.
A crush is something that can get u into serious trouble.
A crush is a sort of soft spot u have for somebody-almost like being in love only not as strong.
A crush is something that sneaks up on u and usually, happens upon a person u should NOT be noticing.
A crush is something that can make u feel guilty for having it.
A crush is something that every1 recognizes as having and wishing they didn't.
A crush is something that sits and ferments in the mind bringing u joy one minute and despair the next.
A crush is sometimes something I will gladly talk about to my friends,but in this particular case, I should prolly keep it deep down and buried,and wait for it blow over.
A crush is something that makes u act seriously retarded.
A crush makes a simple little hug or compliment make u way more excited than u should be.
A crush is something that can make u ashamed of urself; something that will make u feel sick inside.
A crush is a mental disease not recognized by pyschologists.
A crush is something that makes ur blood boil,and ur very flesh sing at the slightest touch.
A crush puts a dopey grin on ur face.
A crush is this crazy little thing that puts us all in a VERY awkward position/state of mind.
God only knows about this stupid little crush.
Forgive me, Lord for having a crush that is off-limits.
Forgive me,for this crush CANNOT-MUST NOT grow w/hopes of something coming from it.

I feel I am constantly changing-even more than I did becoming an adult

It as officially been 6 months-half a year- since my boyfriend passed away,and in all this time I have been trying to find a God I am not 100% sure even exists(yet I'm not an atheist either). My boyfriend was a drug addict who was actually trying to turn from those ways(for me. He had told me he was doing it for me.). I tried to convince him he needed to do it for himself and his kids too. I prayed over him all the time because I have heard so many stories about heavy drug addicts who finally turned their lives around. They get cleaned up and stay cleaned up. They find something constructive to do w/their lives. Some of them are even testimonies to others,and I always wanted my boyfriend to be 1 of those testimony stories. He was also an alcoholic and suicidal. This is not what he died from however. I FINALLY found out last month that he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. I was always worried about him even when he was alive, so I prayed over him CONSTANTLY. I was SCARED I was gonna lose him...and I did. Finally. I have been batteling every emotion u can think of. I've always been a loose cannon emotionally anyway,but losing my boyfriend shook me to my core. Ever felt like maybe u should be locked up in an asylum? That's how I've been feeling for months. I miss him all the time. The grief was ROUGH on me. I barely ate anything for days..maybe a week. I can't remember how long I did that for,but it was enough to make me lose weight apparently. It's been 6 months since this happened,and to this DAY, those who know me; see me around almost daily, continue to tell me that I lost weight. I don't know how it is I'm still losing weight when I eat again,and I drink soda too. I went right back to same habits I had prior to losing my boyfriend,but I'm still being told that I look thinner; I lost weight. Anyway, point is, I've been battling anger along w/depression. I have been struggling,trying not be angry w/God for taking my boyfriend after BEGGING him not to. I said, "what's the point in bringing a wonderful man into my life just to take him away from me again? What kinda "gift" do u take back?" That hardly seems fair!

Anyway, my friends, Brandy and Sherry talked me into going to their church w/them sometime,and I'm glad I did because I like it there. At 1st I felt like an imposter. Going to church and all when I don't have as much faith as my friends. I'm not CONVINCED like they are,and I don't like "going thru the motions." I was actually introduced to their pastor,and he's a total sweet heart. I had a counseling session w/him yesterday,and I actually had a great time. He said he just wanted 2 get 2 know me,and not push any religion on me. He reminded me of something I knew anyway: That a relationship w/God is different from religion. He told me about his own testimony..and apparently he was an atheist at 1 time. I can't imagine any PASTOR ever having been an atheist at 1 time. That's cool! =) I also worry about my boyfriend's eternity because based on what I was taught about salvation and all that, I feared my boyfriend is in trouble. I don't think he had the faith,nore do I think he "accepted" salvation,and tho the pastor and I both talked about this and not knowing where he is, I did tell him how my bf sounded the last time we spoke. He sounded peaceful. He sounded A LOT happier than I've ever heard him sound in the year I've known him. And he told me that peace doesn't come from Satan. It's possible that my boyfriend truly is at peace. I mean he didn't say in those words,but it gave me some hope. I've had so much to think about since that talk. I wish I could get my mom to meet him too coz her faith damn near wiped out just like mine is.

My point is, I am finally feeling more peace of mind. I'm still not there yet in my faith,but my mental anguishes have died down A LOT. I know I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Even remembering that my boyfriend's birthday is only a few weeks away isn't depressing me like it was before. I feel like I am changing so much. I didn't notice much before,but I def started to change when I met my boyfriend. Maybe around the time I started to fall in love w/him, I really started to change,and I have had people tell me they noticed a change in HIM too. ^_^ I was saying for so long that I've been in love before but not like this. There was something different about THIS time,and I said the same thing when he died. I've had my heart broken before,but never like this. I was always able to make myself get over a guy before,but I couldn't this time,and it was FRUSTRATING! I mean, we didn't break up; he wasn't an ass! But I still stewed over my inability to move on-something I was always good at before. How much sense does it make to still be in love w/a man who's dead? I've also wanted counseling for years,but I wanted christian counseling. I didn't think any other type would help me AT ALL! Being told, "well, think of it this way. u gave the man pleasure/unconditional love,and he needed that." or whatever. That's great! But that still doesn't fill the hole in my heart his death caused. It didn't fix my depression;my grieving.

How does 1 deal w/the death of the 1 person they're in love w/? We're not talking about a relative I haven't seen in years or don't remember/never met. We are talking about my other half. My best friend; my soul mate. You can't treat a death like a break up coz trust me,they're not the same. I can only hope-er pray this sense of peace I'm feeling(it's only a little,but much more than I had for months) will LAST. I don't wanna fall right back into my depression.

I miss u EVERYDAY!

It's been 5 months now and even though I have learned to live without u, I've finally stopped crying at the drop of a hat,and my mental anguishes have eased up on me..
I still miss you.
Not 1 day.
Not 1 hour.
Not 1 minute.
Not even 1 second goes by..
that I don't miss u with a terrible ache deep down in my heart;deep down into the very depths of my soul.
I miss you like a child misses his/her dog after it passes away-
I miss you like a mother who's children are taken away.
I miss you like one misses the sun when the sky turns black.
I miss you like a friend who has moved away.
I miss you like a baby misses the mother when she is not near.
I miss you like lungs that are starved for air.
I miss you like a dog misses it's owner until he gets home.
How many more simillies would it take to do the justice my heart is trying to pour out?
I love you
and I MISS you!
You're gone forever,but my love for you will never die..
so I continue to miss you..
and be reminded of you through the silliest little details life presents.
I may not be crying on the outside anymore,but on the inside..
I'm still dying!
I lost my best friend, AND I lost the love of my life all at once.
I feel hollow now.
There is a really HUGE hole in my heart that was reserved f
or u,and u alone.
Losing u has punched out that hole,and I can't fill it-
because only U can fill it,and ur gone now.
I try to turn my mind to other things and maybe..
possibly someday be open to meeting another guy,but...
nobody will be like YOU-
nobody will be YOU.
it won't be the same at all.
I am not sure if I can ever find that kind of happiness again.
I miss you so much!
I miss my other half/my partner-in-crime.
I just miss you!
A million times over...

I
MISS
YOU!

To My Idiot Coworker:

1. PLEASE be aware that the world DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND U!!! I know it's HARD 2 wrap ur pea-sized mind around,but.... I promise u, it definitely DOES NOT! so stop irritating all ur coworkers because we are soooo sick of it! it's not just ME! we are ALL sick of ur shit! even ROB never liked u,and he's been dead for 4 months now. this just goes 2 show HOW LONG u've been a problem! the managers do not find u impressive; they are starting 2 see right thru ur phony act, so stop kissing ass/being a suck up. it's not "cool"-it's PATHETIC! it's not cool 2 stick ur nose into other ppl's business,and criticize their work while u abandon ur own. it's not cool 2 threaten 2 go 2 management on some1 just because they don't do what U want. You're 51 years old! u NEED 2 ACT like it! u act like a spoiled child who's pissed off he didn't get his way. take ur breaks when u r SUPPOSED 2. don't wait 10 hours later 2 go 2 break! it's not fair 2 me or 2 any1else 2 have 2 go search the whole store for u JUST 2 ask u if u took ur break before we can take ours, and it CERTAINLY isn't our responsibility! if u weren't being such a suck up, u wouldn't miss ur breaks! ur an ADULT! U r responsible for ur OWN breaks! not the rest of us!

   
   

   if u don't get ur break for 6 hours/8 hrs, that is UR fault! not mine; not any1 else's. stop sticking ur nose in other ppl's business; depts u do NOT work in,and stop trying 2 get me 2 do the same thing while abandoning ur OWN work,and..our fellow coworker. It is NOT fair 2 her 2 shirk ALL the responsibility on HER. U might do that shit,but I don't. if u don't like it..tough shit! I was hired for MAINTENANCE(and btw,so were U!),and MAINTENANCE is what I'm going 2 do! unless a MANAGER tells me otherwise,I am NOT working in another area. I am ESPECIALLY not gonna take orders from U! u r just a PEE ON! u are on MY level. u r NOT in ANY way shape or form my BOSS! u r NOT a manager,and u BETTER remember that! I do NOT have 2 answer 2 U! so u better stop while ur ahead, because u r pissing off A LOT of ppl,and u seem 2 also be trying shit w/the MANAGERS! r u an IDIOT?!

   
   

   r u TRYING 2 lose ur job??! coz if u don't stop w/the CRAP, u will eventually be fired. I hope they DO fire ur ass coz quite frankly, I'm sick of ur shit,and so is everybody else! oh and by the way...when I walk away from u-not once. not twice. 10 times maybe..u need 2 take a hint that I DO NOT WANT U AROUND ME! I am trying not 2 go off on u,but dammit if u don't stop following me; stop HARASSING me, I will be ur worst nightmare. so please take a HINT,and LEAVE-ME. ALONE! sincerely,ur very annoyed, ready 2 kick u in the "balls", coworker. >.<

Mental Anguishes

I have soooo many of them. I've always had mental anguishes of some sort,but I've never felt THIS bad before. I feel like I need 2 be locked away in an asylum. Like, I need 2 have the most professional therapy money can buy; what is most expensive in therapy. I swear puberty and being a teenager NEVER compared 2 how I feel now..how I've been feeling for years-how I've been feeling for 4 months now. Ever since I lost my boyfriend,everything else made a turn for the worst too. I have a coworker who's a total ASSHOLE(he was always a "know-it-all" before,but this time he's worse-more bossy and arrogant than ever!), I am battling 2 have a christian faith. I wish I had it like other christians do. I have enough faith 2 fear for my eternity,but not enough to feel any peace of mind. I feel even more mentally unstable; feel even more forgetful, a.d.d. etc than I've ever been before. I'm full of anger; full of rage' full of hostility. I resent  my boyfriend being dead when most other couples still have THEIR "other half." I resent always being stuck working in retail. I resent never having control of my time; control of my life. I resent not having any USEFUL talents/skills. I resent so much and do not know how 2 appreciate what I DO have anymore,and I resent that too. Sometimes, I just resent myself. Now, I know how my bf felt. Always feeling useless, stupid, wondering y I am even here,wishing I would just die at times, etc. I feel as if my boyfriend's anxieties/depression moved into ME when he died. I hate feeling so damn lonely,yet wanting no1 around me at the same time. It's a shitty feeling 2 have. =(

my sarcasm ad(purely FAKE!! please don't respond?) lol

26 year old female seeking male(boyfriend) between the ages of 18-34ish..

Fav Physical Traits(doesn't have 2 be these;just a preference) Hair: Black/Brown; Eyes: Brown Complexion; Tan-ish

Must have LOTS of patience; willing to take things slow. Does not make sex a PRIORITY, or a condition to loving me. (Love is supposed to be unconditional after all.) Must be a total goofball, supportive rather than discouraging of my ambitions in life, my best friend, fun 2 talk 2..if I fall for him,he must feel the same way. Can't be married or have a girlfriend pretending to be single. HONEST. Sweet. A bit emotional sometimes(YES, men..it IS OK to be emotional. u r NOT a robot). Must be there for me in good AND bad times. Must not give up on me...and above all...WILL NOT DIE on me!!!

my dream about Rob

I just had a dream about Rob. I was supposed 2 be at work,but it def wasn't Sam's I was at. It was a regular grocery store-like a Winn Dixie or something,and somehow, they had me covering a break for a DEMO person. Now in real life, we don't cover breaks for THEM since they don't work work for the STORE, anyway lol. Anywho, Rob just walked right up to me. It's like when u look up, and u see somebody just walking real fast from a certain point as if they had started a while back and are on their way over to u(I dunno know how to describe it),but I had not noticed him come from an aisle or anything. It was completely open in this area. Like, I was in the back over by the deli/produce..those places,so it was pretty open,and I was not facing any of the aisles. It literally seemed like he had been walking for quite some time and only became visible once he was only a couple of feet away from me. He just walked-or might like hurried right over to me and as soon as he was close enough to talk to me, the 1st thing he says is, "do u know what happened to me?" He KNEW he was dead,but he didn't know why/how. I immediately got emotional. I was shocked at 1st to even see him,but when he asked me that I started crying as I told him, "No, I don't. I have no idea what happened to u." He had been suicidal in life,so I asked him, "u didn't do this to urself?" and he looked a me and used this tone of voice as if trying to convince me/trying to clear his name, he said, "No!" he didn't say it,but I sensed he was gonna add, "I would have never killed myself. I didn't wanna die." he never said it,but I think it was kinda left hanging there so 2 speak. I remember throwing myself in his arms, crying, and telling him over and over again how much I miss him. I told him once something all the lines of, "I know I'm supposed 2 live the rest of my life w/o u,but I don't want to. I miss u soooo much!" =( despite him being a ghost, I was able 2 hug him,and even jump in his arms. He had actually picked me up and was holding me. At some point,we had both left the store and were outside talking this time. It was weird. I think he might have mentioned God 2 me at some point,or maybe I did. I had asked him if he had seen God yet. and he was like, "hold on, I 'll go look." as if he was going to get a person,and walked to another side of the parking lot somewhere 2 find him. I don't remember what happened after that.

I'm sick of being in love with a dead man

I'm sick of being in love w/a dead man.
I can't talk to u anymore.
I can't be in ur arms anymore.
I can no longer hold ur hand-
or feel a little peace of heaven from seeing ur incredible smile-
coz u don't SMILE anymore.
our conversations r forever over.
done.
extinct.
like u.
I can't text with u anymore,or talk on the phone.
ur just a shadow of the past; a mere memory.
I want 2 forget u,but I can't.
I wish I could.
I try all the time.
I try 2 think of something else-ANYTHING else-
I even try 2 check out hot celebrities online and in movies.
I try 2 check out guys in general,but
none of them even come CLOSE 2 being has handsome as you were.
Even tho I don't wanna be in love ever again, I half hope I find some1 new to focus my attention,but even if I do...
I know it won't be the same.
He can be AMAZING!
He can make me laugh like u did.
I can have endless conversations and never get bored w/him like I did with YOU-
It's possible I can find true love again with another..
but it won't be the same.
He won't be YOU!
I don't know that even if I wanted to, I could feel the same way about another man as I had for you-
and still do.
I wish I could stop obsessing over you.
We had our joy and love together while it lasted, but now u r gone,
and there's nothing I can do to get back what we had.
I can NEVER have u back.
I have to move on now.
I miss u more than any word will ever be able to give justice too.
I know u can't even see what I'm writing about u.
ur DEAD!
even if ur soul is around SOMEWHERE and ur not just "sleeping" in ur gave until resurrection, you'll still be in another dimension-
maybe in heaven w/God,and if ur w/HIM, u won't notice or remember me anyway.
u won't want anything 2 do w/earth ever again nore those of us who u left behind here.
I doubt u even remember 2 adorable boys u have here still.
I'm glad YOU'RE at peace at least,but
I'm still suffering deeply.
You were the best thing that had ever happened 2 me,and u had 2 pass away.
I miss u so much.
I LOVE you so much.
I want my heart back now, ok?
U stole it so long ago
but now that ur dead,
I really want-really NEED my heart back now
so I can end this terrible suffering that makes me sick in heart and soul.
I feel as if I am dying too.
I just don't wanna think about u anymore-
don't wanna keep feeling the pain of ur (permanent) absence from my life.
I'm sick of this huge hole in my heart that I can never fill no matter what I do.
Just please leave me alone?
Take the stupid memories w/u,so that I don't have to remember my loss-
coz I am just so SICK of being in love w/a dead man. =(