why don't u believe me?

I've been through a lot w/u. I know this is UR battle,but ur not alone. I've been w/u every step of the way ever since u told me about this. I have been there for u in ur time of need. I may pick on u/tease u at times,but u know I've been there for u and am STILL here for u now. I know u've been doing some pretty less than impressive things w/ur life,but at least u r determined to quit,and I will encourage u thru every step of the way. I know I haven't exactly told u what u mean to me; how much I love you coz I'm afraid to speak those sacred words,but I have been SHOWING u what u mean to me. y do u still not believe me? ur always telling me how much u love spending time w/me,but u also think I don't feel the same about u but I do.

I know I don't sound very convincing when I tell u I care about u or how proud I am of u for what ur doing right now,but u gatta understand..I'm scared,so I hold back a lot. I feel like I'm gonna puke every time I play a scenario thru my head of how I'm gonna confess my feelings to u. There r times when I'm w/u in person and feel like telling u then,but then I get nauseated and feel like I'm gonna choke before the words can even get to my mouth. I've told u I'm skittish and pretty much suck at relationships. I don't know what to do. I'm head over heels in love w/u,but I'm just so damn SCARED at the same time so I hold back. I've been letting u see more and more of the real me lately; letting my feelings show a little more,but I'm still holding back and acting like things r just cool when in reality, I love u so much it hurts at times. If I wasn't so scared, u and me could be together. I think  u r my best friend and my soul mate. But everything to do w/relationships(well certain parts of it anyway) FREAK ME OUT! I know it's not normal,and I'm humiliated by it. So humiliated, I can't bring myself to tell u.

There is SO.MUCH to tell u,but I'm TERRIFIED to tell u,so I hide behind my jokes,and change the subject at times. At the same time, I keep holding my feelings back and never let u know that they're there. But I want u to know,they ARE indeed there. They do exist,and I know u don't think they do. It seems like u love me too,but I KNOW that once u figure out the other side of my issues(the side I haven't told u about),ur not gonna "love me" as much as u think u do. =,( I tell u a little bit each time we talk. If we keep this up long enough,maybe I'll finally spill the beans. I will finally tell u how much I love,and what I fear. Maybe then it'll all make sense to u. I hope.