What a night! I so stupidly let some man con me out of $80 last night. To add to that, every time u called me, my phone would keep disconnecting. It was frustrating to both of us. especially to me because u kept thinking I was mad at u and hanging up on u. That isn't fair! I plugged my stupid phone into the car charger,but the damn things sucks,so my phone died AGAIN! I was already in tears and frustration w/myself over being stupid. I was so vulnerable and have BEEN vulnerable for the past 6/7/8 months now. I'm madly in love w/u,and I've been holding that in all this time because I'm SCARED! I'm scared of the stupidest shit like sex. This is what holds me back. This y I never told u I loved u even tho I could tell u feel the same,and then last night u told me u had feelings,so I was forced to admit that I have them too.
Now I gatta confess very thing else and try not to hurl and choke when I do. Now I feel exposed. Every thing is out in the open. I have to tell u the truth about my fears. About my anxieties. Ever since my last boyfriend, I have been TERRIFIED of getting into another relationship. I was hurt AND humiliated at once. Can u imagine having to be TAUGHT how 2 french kiss? when ur 21?? can u imagine being a scared virgin at 26?? It sux,but it's what keeps me holding back. u think I want nothing to do w/u and am playing mind games,but in reality I'm just scared. =( Can u imagine being shy...PAINFULLY shy,and u have to MAKE urself kiss some1 not because they repulse u? but because u r NERVOUS,but ur bf/gf thinks ur forcing urself to take a kiss u don't want? that sux! I don't wanna do that w/U. I get panicky and feel so uncomfortable in a relationship.
That's gonna frustrate u,and don't tell me it won't. because it WILL. Maybe not at 1st,but give it enough time,and u'll def be sick of me. We'll fight all the time...just like I did w/Gary. yeah, he was an asshole,but I was a coward. =( I actually shake almost as hard as u did w/ur symptoms. I was cold and shivering A LOT last night,and I don't think it was near AS cold in my room for as hard as I was shivering. ur supposed to feel relief when u get something off ur chest,but I only got more uptight when I told u. I felt like I was gonna hurl; like I was gonna pass out,or piss my pants. It's no fun being that way. I don't wanna drag u into that frustration. I'm frustrated enough w/myself. I would DIE if u got frustrated w/me too,but I don't know what to do. I love u so much and don't want to let u go,but I am just SO. SCARED! =(
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