The more I learn,the less I trust people

I'm really understanding more than I ever have before y my boyfriend didn't trust anybody. It's not just about ppl u personally know who eventually let u down. It's worse than that. This is weird. My boyfriend died last year,and ever since then, I've been having a battle for both my faith and my sanity all at once. I had some friends lead me back into going to church,and now I read the bible too. Add into all the mix,my best friend is telling me about the illuminati,and plans for world wide mind control; a 1 world government. That freaks me out because everything she's telling me sounds EXACTLY like what goes in the "Left Behind" books. If u haven't read them, u should. At the very least, watch the movies. Altho, I think the books are far more informative. Also, do research on the illuminati and mind control. You'll find  TREMDOUS amounts of similarities. It's kinda freaking  me out. Maybe we ARE in the "last days". shit's getting mad scary around here.

I did always think there was something going on when I started to figure out that they r deliberately trying to "divide and conquer." Listen to the news sometime? What r they always doing? Giving BAD news ALL the time. u RARELY hear anything good. It's almost always something BAD. Also, they're always trying to throw race and "homophobia" at ppl. It's just 1 more way to get us at each other's throats. Even I always thought "issues" like gay marriage rights were just 1 more thing to get us in a riot w/each other over,so we are DISTRACTED from the real big deal. what kinda crap r they trying to pull on us? what r they doing that they don't want us to know about? I don't trust them. I don't believe they ACTUALLY care about gay rights. It's just a distraction from what THEY'RE doing. Things like that look suspicious to me. I can thank my trust issues for that way of thinking,and hopefully I make a lot of people out there THINK. it's not really about republican or democrat; conservative or liberal. It's not even about christian vs. atheist. it's about us as HUMANS and our rights(even control of OURSELVES) is (literally) at risk.

Something I've always figured they do anyway. My best friend tells me they're all owned/controlled by the illuminati,and let's face it..they're NOT gonna tells us what they DON'T WANT us to know. Look at elections. EVERY commercial is about 1 opponent bashing the other,but my friend tells me the winner is already picked out a long time ago. The elections and polls u see on tv are just "going thru the motions." She's told me about plans to place mind control on every1. While, I'm a bit of a skeptic myself,and it DOES sound like conspiracy to me, I don't trust people,and I do believe there is no limit to what people will do to get what they want. I'm trying to keep an open mind,and do my own research. Just in case there really IS a form of mind control going on, I do NOT wanna get wrapped in it,and I encourage anyone reading this to do the same thing. U may not believe in it anymore than I do,but it's always better to be safe than sorry,and keep ur eyes WIDE open.  Here is just *1* link I found in my research,and this page ALONE sounds like the "left behind" books. it's mad scary. It could very well BE prophesy coming true. wow! http://conservativeread.com/the-illuminati-agenda-7-billion-people-under-mind-control-of-a-few-shepherds/   the propeshy that is in Revelation(last book of the bible). I read it after reading "left behind". I can def see where the 2 authors get their ideas for the novels. Very spooky.

I AM seeing a pattern here tho. I'm beginning to wonder if God took my boyfriend,so that I would set out for answers,and find this stuff. seems like all this stuff 1st started getting my attention,and being "talked about" all following my boyfriend's death. Sounds to me like it's possibly God directing my steps..even tho for some reason it had to be done in a  PAINFUL way. =( Here is another site I have found in my search..telling u ways u can avoid mind control. I am reading it myself..anybody who is interested can read it. =)  http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/illuminati_formula_mind_control.htm

It does sound like conspiracy,but I'd rather not entirely dismiss it and be wrong. I find it's better to be prepared. It's like my mother has told me so many times, "Hope for the best; expect the worst." That's exactly what I'm doing. I'm opening my eyes more now,and I hope-or PRAY anyone reading this will do the same. Before u make fun of me, I would like to remind u once more, that I am a skeptic myself, lol. I don't believe 100% in this either,but I am also a woman w/trust issues especially where our government and politicians are concerned,so I am still reading up on whatever I can find before I can definitely say w/o a doubt that this is all bull crap. lol

She Misses Him

Look at that girl. Just look at her well. She is now able to smile on the outside,but if u took a look on the inside, u would see a broken heart just barely beating. Her heart is still shattered to pieces. She once found true love,but death kidnapped her soul mate. It's been months,and tho she no longer cries on the outside, her soul still wails w/ agony. Her heart which once throbbed w/love for the man of her dreams now hurts like hell from the hole that was shot thru it; the piece of her heart that's no longer there; the piece that died w/her 1 true love. That hole can never be filled.  It can only heal a little bit,but like w/any scab, it can be ripped away, leaving her feeling raw and in wretched pain all over again. Grief is a bitch. It's unlike any form of depression or misery the world can throw at u. It's a pain that NEVER goes away. Look at that girl..she was so happy,but now she is in sorrow.

Sobbing so much: rather outward or just inward..the tears never really stop. The sadness never really goes away. She misses her best friend; her 1 true love. Tears trickle down her face,and sometimes all the way down deep into her heart and soul. There's a reason it's called "SOUL mates" because when ur soul mate dies, u feel like part of ur soul has been ripped in 2,and the pain continues to haunt her for all her days. Look at that girl. Can't u see she's forever broken hearted? Other guys desire her,but none of them compare to her 1 true love. She doesn't know how-doesn't WANT to another guy. She wants HIM,and ONLY HIM. Only HE had what she desired. only HE had that special something that made her crazy; made her happy. She gets through life just fine most days,but there is never 1 day that he's NOT on her mind; there is never 1 day that she doesn't miss him.

She misses his voice,his laughter,his smile,his hugs,his kisses,the way he looked at her,the way he protected her,the way he made her laugh; smile like no one else could. He was special; he was the ONE! Now he's gone,and she spends her days trying to put back the pieces her shattered heart. It's so difficult because she's got the worst kind of a broken heart-not the kind from a guy dumping u, or treating u bad..no. that would be too easy.. her shattered heart is aided and abedded by grief..grief that comes from the loss of a life...the life of a soulmate.

I still miss u....

There is a site called, "Grief By Notes" for ppl to write some type of letter to their deceased loves ones,but I think I'd rather do that on my own personal blogger page.

I know it's been 8 months now,and my birthday is a week away. I really wanted to spend a birthday w/u this yr. of course, I wanted to do the same for UR bday,but u died before both mine and your's. =( Baby, I have been getting better. I still miss you like CRAZY,but I am slowly learning to live w/o u(even tho I HATE that).1 thing ur death has done is really made me question my faith. It has made me wanna die,but it also makes me feel depressed that I might just cease to exist and that u may have too. I also makes me fear what if i go to hell? What IS the right way to get into heaven? Is it really JUST accepting salvation? if u "accept" it, can u REALLY "accept" it when u have little to no faith? I don't know WHAT I can believe in anymore. I have as many trust issues as u did. It's like u left that part of u behind w/me when passed. I think it would be really cool(and a little creepy at the same time) if it turned out u were in here right now reading this over my shoulder...but I know better than to believe that. =(

Also..IF by some chance u "can" read this, I just want u to know, I FINALLY saw a pic of ur kids,and they r soooooooooooooo cute!!! ^_^ of course, I EXPECTED that. I mean..look at U! enough said. ;) damn good genes. =D they LOOK like their FATHER, so OF COURSE they are ADORABLE!!! ^_^ u told me ur older son looks just like u; u kinda implied ur younger 1 doesn't,but I've seen many diff pics; past and resent. ur oldest 1 looks EXACTLY like u in some of his pics,but the 1 he has on his facebook..not as much. ur younger son looks MORE like u than the older 1. Especially when he smiles. He's got ur smile!!! ^_^ I saw his pic from when he was little..he and his brother standing there w/u,and he def had ur smile even then. he STILL has UR smile.

I've seen his other facial expressions too,and he DEF reminds me of U. so I would say he really IS ur son.(haha there was once some question that I remember.) lol. By the way..all that teasing u did about my "addiction" to the internet..ur KIDS, AND ur SISTERS use facebook..which means the INTERNET. hahahaha. ur the only 1 living in the stone age, my love. LOL actually,ur not LIVING anywhere now. =( I miss u so much. I SWEAR I got to find out who ur "true friends" are after u died. u were right about Brain being a douche. He tried to tell me he "missed" u too,and that u were his "buddy." he wasn't very convincing at all. he also acts "nice" to my face but behind my back I'm understanding he's talking shit about me. just like he did U. "Great friend" u have there. even Mike talked to me ONCE about u. yeah..they're drug addicts anyway. I don't think they fully GRASP that ur DEAD. don't think they care either. I feel like I'm the only 1 who actually MISSES u. =( besides ur family of course. I know ur son misses u. he has that pic of u w/both boys up as his display pic on facebook. Oh..and remember when I said, I needed a new phone and wanted a smart phone? I FINALLY got it! only, I no longer have U to text w/anymore. =( fortunately, thank u LORD, I managed to save all our old texts before my ph finally screwed up for good on me. =D lol

I've STILL been hassling Ed as usual,and it's as much FUN as it's EVER been! haha. he made the mistake of making a facebook and then friending me. Now I CAN REALLY hassle him! this rocks!!! I wish u could see the things we post on there back and forth to each other. it's sooooo funny. =D I seriously hate Sam's now. It's like u said..that place SUCKS! it especially sucks since now that ur gone..all the douchebags r coming out of the works like cockroaches,and coming after me. they're taking advantage of ur death,and see me as a "scrap of meat". it pisses me off. U always RESPECTED me,and that was a HUGE reason I fell for u to begin w/. Now I'm stuck w/sorry pieces of shit to "choose from" instead of u. =( I've got this creepy mexican guy who stalks me. he's ALWAYS in there,and all he ever does is go in and eat and leave. Plus...he LOOKS for me,so he can "flirt" w/me. I wish u were still here to get up in his face; tell him to leave ur girlfriend alone. >.< I will probably leave that job soon,so I can escape and not have 2 deal w/these embeciles anymore. =/ lol. Anyway, I love u so much, Babe. I pray u are alive somewhere(heaven hopefully),and ur not enduring even MORE torment than u had in life. I miss u. Have fun w/the angels...if u are indeed there and not "sleeping" in ur grave for all eternity. =(

Random Rant

I dunno what to say sometimes...I am still an uptight woman. So Sam's Club decided to fire a bunch of people nation wide because of this Obama care shit( Good going Obama and all u libtards..once AGAIN u managed to fuck the country up. "great" job.),and of course my ALREADY assanine; ass kissing coworkers r even MORE determined 2 get my ass fired w/their bullshit. The thing that pisses me off is EVERYONE acts "nice" to me. The hard part is figuring which ones are real/genuine,and which are the bastards who act "nice: to my face,but rat me out to the managers when my back's turned. Somebody even paid attention to WHEN I took my break. WTF?? that is too MUCH EFFORT for me to look at somebody's schedule,see when they come in,and then be able to determine WHEN they're supposed to take a break,but some dipshit w/NO life took that kinda effort out JUST so they could notice I went to my break a little early. of COURSE I did..if ANY1 would just SAY something to my FACE, I would have explained that I expected another coworker to take her break when I was SUPPOSED 2 go,so that I already had it done and when she went to HER'S, we wouldn't BOTH be at break at the same time. Oh no! Somebody's gatta pay attention to THAT too. ya know what? I don't care anymore! If they're gonna fire me, LET EM! I don't give a shit anymore! I'll collect unemployment. so u go RIGHT ahead and fire me,assholes! I feel like I'm back in 6th grade only-at least in 6th grade..PEOPLE made it OBVIOUS they didn't like me. Now I gatta always deal w/2 faced assholes,and I SWEAR if I ever find out who's doing it, it's gonna be a dark day in hell for them. try me! I will eventually find out WHO u are, and I will FIND ways 2 get UR ass in trouble. don't fuck w/me! Karma is a bitch! Remember that when u pulling shit on me. Karma is a BITCH!  I hate being there! It reminds me too much of Rob anyway since that place IS how we met.

I am also sick of this 1 customer who comes in there  A LOT,and I am SURE he comes in just 2 see me. It's creepy! I think he's had his eye on me for a  LONG time. Rob was still alive when this shit 1st started..in fact, I was ALREADY in a RELATIONSHIP W/ROB when this asshole 1st started hitting on me. Dude, I had a boyfriend when u 1st started this crap! Go away! and not to mention the 72 year old MARRIED GEEZER who hits on me too. UGH! JUST BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND DIED DOES NOT MEAN I AM "ON THE MARKET AGAIN;FOR SALE" LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU ARE NOT ROB STIZZA! YOU'LL NEVER BE HIM! U CAN'T BE LIKE HIM! NOBODY CAN! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!!!! >=0 I HATE when people take advantage of me! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!! I would be GLAD 2 get away from these creepy guys once and for all. I at least have SOME people who ARE understanding; who KNOW u can't put a limit on grief. 1 coworker I talked to right before I left today..he is so understanding. it's weird. there was this movie on in the break room,and there was a woman who looked like she died,and people were crying over her. Out of my own bitterness, I said, "oh u lost some1? I did too. u'll get over it..I had to." or something like that,and my coworker said something to me about "how are u doing w/that by the way?" I told him I was doing ok but sometimes when I think I'm fine, out of nowhere the grief will hit me again,and he was VERY sympathetic about it. He said, "I understand. If I lost my wife, I don't know what I'd do." EXACTLY! losing a person u r HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE W/ is CRUEL! it's 1 pain that will end u over the brink of sanity! might get u locked up tight or something. he still has his wife,but he knows if he lost her, it would kill him just like losing Rob has killed ME.

I told him how some ppl think I need to be over this already.  It's "in the past." yes, but he PAIN is STILL THERE!!! I said, "most people just don't get PAINFUL it is to lose somebody who means EVERYTHING to them." He actually said that u can't put a time limit on grief; to "fuck" what they say. lol. he remembers Rob too. I said there was something about Rob,and he said, "yeah. Rob was a good man." I KNOW RIGHT?! He was the BEST! =,) after the shitty day I was having, this guy made me feel better. I remember saying about the ppl giving me crap, I was like, "U try losing somebody who means everything to U,and see if it doesn't fuck U up in the head too." it's impossible! don't tell me to get over the death of a man who meant everything to me; who had my heart and soul ;who was there for me;defended me. He was my best friend! He made me laugh,he was fun 2 talk to,he made me feel better when I was down. He was always there for me! don't TELL me I need to MOVE ON coz he's dead. I still have the memories! I still LOVE him. HE'S the only 1 who died..not me,not the relationship..and certainly not my love for him. I miss him,and I will go the rest of my life missing him TERRIBLY! =,( somebody else had a ringtone playing a song I've never heard before,but the 1st line of the song was something like, "I'm missing u so much." or something,and I nearly cried hearing that. it made me think of Rob,and reminded me how STRONGLY I miss him! =,(

=(

jealousy SUCKS! I can't help it! I may need to do like my best friend did,and get the hell off facebook. or just delete the other friend since we never talk anyway. she is driving me NUTS! it's hard not 2 feel jealous. she still has HER boyfriend;I had to LOSE mine. =( apparently,they're getting married-AND he bought her a house.  Oh "joy". "GOOD FOR U!!" I also have to keep seeing such "cute; IN LOVE" couple pix of them. "awwww"- NOT! I feel jealous of couples anyway,but no other couple makes me jealous than those 2 because they remind me of me and my bf to a TEE! they met the same way; in the same place,developed feelings for each other LONG before they finally admitted to it,and HELL! HE even confessed 1ST!! JUST the way MY relationship started out. Oh "JOY"! rub it in my face ok? I "like" it! REALLY! Bring on the TORTURE! I'm USED to it! FUCK love! stupid temporary shit. always meant for some1 else but  never ME! just like wealth..always meant for some1 ELSE..never ME! that's for damn sure! now on to my next rant...lol.

annoying old coots who think just coz ur dumb enough to trust them w/venting ur pain; just because u LOSE ur boyfriend, u MUST be desperate; MUST be looking for a replacement; a new boyfriend. EW! the point is..it somehow got around to him I think that I am finding him a "little" creepy. now he wants to know if I "still have funny feelings." I just told him, "I still grieve at times, yeah." then walked away. I'm not talking to him. pure and simple. He doesn't AT ALL make me feel better about ANYTHING! PERIOD! ESPECIALLY not about my boyfriend. I'm sorry I have a REAL problem w/some1 who jumps my case because I bring uo my boyfriend a little "too much." AT THE SAME TIME, makes constant passes at me. I'm done! I need to go back to having just GIRL friends coz I can't trust guys. Guys are ALWAYS letting me down.Not JUST in relationships. IN GENERAL! I can't get something off my chest w/o a guy taking advantage of me in some way and/or just not giving a shit to begin with. The ONLY guy who's really been any ACTUAL help to me w/what I'm going thru is my pastor...then again, maybe it's because he's already MARRIED/SPOKEN FOR that he's not after me too. yet that doesn't explain the creep I deal w/ he's married too,yet makes the most inappropriate comments to me at times. or used to...before I stopped talking to him. I'll say hi to him sometimes,but I don't engage in conversation. every1 is sick of hearing me talk about my bf,and I'm sick the back lashes I get for trusting ANY1,so it's a win/win. I don't talk to certain ppl anymore,and they don't have to hear about my bf anymore..I also don't have to deal w/creepy old farts telling me creepy things. done. I'm gonna try harder to not get close to guys anymore. at all. my battered and bruised heart isn't capable of that type of love anymore. I'm done.

The 1 man I wanted; the 1 I decided was THE 1, died on me, so fuck it! I'm done! I'm sick of guys falling in love w/me when I'm in no condition to love back;I've always hated breaking hearts coz I've had MINE broken so damn many times, I've lost count. it sucks, dude. =,(
I'm tired of men old enough to be my FATHER and GRANDFATHER getting the hots for me! it's GROSS and CREEPY! I'm sick of these guys equating the grief I have over losing my bf w/ being desperate and dateless and thinking it's "time to snatch me up." I'm so SICK of guys right now! they just piss me off! I can't be JUST FRIENDS w/1 damn guy W/O getting the damn hots/crushing on me. LEAVE ME ALONE! y da HELL would u wanna be w/a girl who STILL MISSES and GRIEVES over her LAST boyfriend? WTF??!! =,( I'm just DONE. or I'm TRYING 2 be,but I just can't get this off my mind. =( T_T   I miss him sooooooooooooooo MUCH! =,(

I am so frustrated

Since every1 has their own set of problems and are sick of hearing mine, I will just blog from now on. I can't talk to any1 anymore. I am STILL grieving over the loss of my boyfriend,and I HATE it. So does everyone else...Sometimes it's.. "Oh what's wrong? Talk to me." But since it's about my boyfriend,they irritated with me again. It was only 6 months ago that I lost him. How soon does everybody expect me to move on? I wish I COULD. I believe me I wish I could. This pain just WILL NOT go away! =,( I am so SICK of people trying to match make me with someone,or getting pissed off at me because I mention my boyfriend. "That's a chapter in your life you need to close the book on."..."You remember your boyfriend A LOT don't u?" "No matter how much you cry over him,it won't bring him back." NO SHIT! I've heard it all a million times. NOBODY gets it! NOBODY has had to go through what I am going through! ok, no GUY anyway. It's all GUYS that are being this damned assanine just because some of them WANT me. Like this creepy guard at my job. He's like 72 or something! He's old enough to be my GRANDFATHER,and he has GRANDKIDS MY age!! oh..did I mention he's MARRIED???!! RRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! The things he has SAID to me that both creep me out and piss me off at the same time.

 Wanting to make LOVE to me?? telling me I have a beautiful long NECK??? He's CREEPY!!!!! Just because my boyfriend died does NOT give u the excuse to make a MOVE ON ME!! EWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! I have some friends who seem to care about me to a point,but even THEY get annoyed with me,and tell me I am playing the "pity me. pity me" game. FINE! I won't talk about it anymore, ok? I won't talk about ANYTHING anymore. I'm DONE! That's y I will just blog. This is 1 more thing that makes me miss my boyfriend that MUCH MORE. I could ALWAYS talk to him about ANYTHING. NO matter how much it bothered me or for how long! I knew he would always listen to me,and I knew he would comfort me. He was always there for me. I can't say that about any1 else. They  get sick of me. My boyfriend NEVER did. Tell me, God, y the HELL did I have to lose him????? It's so UNFAIR!! =,(

Oh, so I "tune people out". Yeah? so WHAT if I do???? I can't let people in. They'll disappoint me. There will come a time when no1 will be there for me,so I try like hell not to get attached to any1-ESPECIALLY if that person is a GUY..a guy I might end up developing feelings for. I HATE it! I feel like I'm being taken advantage of and misunderstood all at once; all by different people. I'm trying to go back to being antisocial coz nobody understands me ANYWAY! I feel so much pressure! On top of that, I have friends who have pushed me to go to church w/them,and I have met other ppl there too...but there is 1 guy who is divorced,has no family here,and he sometimes says some things to me that make me very uncomfortable. I want to be helpful and encouraging to others,but it's very hard when I'm in desperate need of it myself. I MISS MY BOYFRIEND! I MISS HIM! MISS HIM! MISS HIM! He was the only 1 who NEVER got sick of me. The only 1 who I could always go to no matter how upset I was,and he would be there for me. Loving me instead of pissing all over my cornflakes about what bugs me! Of all people, WHY HIM???!!  WHY did HE have to die???!! It isn't fair! I miss him so much!!! =,( =,( =,( I have no where to turn to anymore. I'm on my own now. I'll just keep blogging to vent coz I just can't talk to ANY1 about anything anymore. =,(

Tears

tears. tears. go away. Never come back another day.
Know this right now, that no matter how many of u I shed..
It will never be enough to ease the pain..
No matter how many I shed, nothing will ever bring him back..
tears. tears. please go?
You will never be enough to ease my pain.
I will cry and cry and somewhat "feel better" for a while..
but out of the blue-
any little thing-
like the holidays or his birthday-
or some random memory will come into play..
making me think of him and how much I miss him
and I will just cry and cry all over again.
Please leave me be?
I don't want to hurt anymore.
tears. tears. so MANY tears.
nothing will ever erase the memories that are nothing but MEMORIES now
because he is gone,and we cannot make new ones.
Tears. tears. just GO AWAY!
He is gone and will NEVER come back.
Just let me be.
Let me move on with my life.
I just want it to stop hurting.

I have 2 get this out SOMEWHERE lol

I don't want 2 admit this 2 ANY1-not even my own best friend.  I def do not approve of the way  things work out even if the outcome is "positive." the thing is-I have a crush on a married man. yep. I know I have done this before,but at least the married man I crushed on before was not someone I personally know. he was a celebrity who this kinda thing is expected to happen to him I guess. I dunno. wanna know the irony? he's a PASTOR. yep. pastor of the church a few friends of mine talked me into going to because I was falling apart in the WORST ways over losing Rob(my boyfriend). All this man was supposed to do was help me. I had a lot of questions,and he had answers. my faith is not 100%-not even 50%,and I needed some advice. some kind of "therapy" if u will. He was a HUGE help,and even made me feel a lot better than I had in 6 months over losing the love of my life. ok, well, I was NOT supposed to get a crush on him. this was NOT part of the plan at ALL. so this is driving me bananas,and nobody I personally know reads my blogs,so this is where I will get this out at. each time I see this pastor, I go more gaga over him. the thing that sucks is that he flirts w/me. I dunno if he is REALLY attracted to me,or if he is goofing around/trying to boost my self-esteem. either way, I LIKE it,and I shouldn't. =( he is MARRIED and has 3 kids. but I amm SO attracted to him. I get GOOFY when I'm around him. I smile like an idiot. I think about him A LOT. I KNOW I will NEVER act on this crush. I will never try 2 kiss him,sleep w/him,or even so much as hold his hand,but he does hug me,and I don't mind. he hugs every1else from church too,so it isn't really so bad. besides, what am I gonna do? say, "oh, I'm sorry. u can't hug me anymore because I have a huge crush on u,and I enjoy it way too much. u r married,so I cannot accept this." it's idiotic! am I supposed 2 turn down a hug just because I ENJOY it? even if I'm getting  it from a married man? isn't everything to do w/God supposed to give us joy somehow? HE trusts me, lol. I mean, in a way, I guess u could say God sent me this man's direction to begin w/- KNOWING I was gonna develop a GIGANTIC crush on  him. lol it doesn't help that he sometimes calls me a "beauty" or "cutie". HEY! stop exciting me like that! u MUST not encourage me like that! DON'T!! I LIKE it,and I SHOULDN'T! I know I will never act on this crush,but I fear if it continues 2 grow,it will become OBVIOUS to every1. I don't want certain ppl(especially not him OR his WIFE) to figure out I LIKE him. I would never be able 2 face these ppl again. =( my crush HAS been getting bigger all the time. I don't think there has EVER been a time in all my history that somebody somewhere has NOT found out about my having a crush and who it's on. lol. but DAMN he is CUUUUUUUUUUUTE! he is FIIIIIIIIIIINE!  *drools* he has become my damn HEART THROB! but I shall keep that to myself. I am not a homewrecker. never have been. never will be. I am a PROFESSIONAL at denying myself-at least when it comes to men. lol. I just had 2 get this out of my system. I LIKE THE GUY!!! I HAVE A SERIOUS CRUSH ON HIM! AHHHHHHHH! ok, now it's (kinda) out of my system. lol

what is a crush?

What is a crush?
A crush is something that comes when u least expect it.
A crush is something that can get u into serious trouble.
A crush is a sort of soft spot u have for somebody-almost like being in love only not as strong.
A crush is something that sneaks up on u and usually, happens upon a person u should NOT be noticing.
A crush is something that can make u feel guilty for having it.
A crush is something that every1 recognizes as having and wishing they didn't.
A crush is something that sits and ferments in the mind bringing u joy one minute and despair the next.
A crush is sometimes something I will gladly talk about to my friends,but in this particular case, I should prolly keep it deep down and buried,and wait for it blow over.
A crush is something that makes u act seriously retarded.
A crush makes a simple little hug or compliment make u way more excited than u should be.
A crush is something that can make u ashamed of urself; something that will make u feel sick inside.
A crush is a mental disease not recognized by pyschologists.
A crush is something that makes ur blood boil,and ur very flesh sing at the slightest touch.
A crush puts a dopey grin on ur face.
A crush is this crazy little thing that puts us all in a VERY awkward position/state of mind.
God only knows about this stupid little crush.
Forgive me, Lord for having a crush that is off-limits.
Forgive me,for this crush CANNOT-MUST NOT grow w/hopes of something coming from it.

I feel I am constantly changing-even more than I did becoming an adult

It as officially been 6 months-half a year- since my boyfriend passed away,and in all this time I have been trying to find a God I am not 100% sure even exists(yet I'm not an atheist either). My boyfriend was a drug addict who was actually trying to turn from those ways(for me. He had told me he was doing it for me.). I tried to convince him he needed to do it for himself and his kids too. I prayed over him all the time because I have heard so many stories about heavy drug addicts who finally turned their lives around. They get cleaned up and stay cleaned up. They find something constructive to do w/their lives. Some of them are even testimonies to others,and I always wanted my boyfriend to be 1 of those testimony stories. He was also an alcoholic and suicidal. This is not what he died from however. I FINALLY found out last month that he had a heart attack and died in his sleep. I was always worried about him even when he was alive, so I prayed over him CONSTANTLY. I was SCARED I was gonna lose him...and I did. Finally. I have been batteling every emotion u can think of. I've always been a loose cannon emotionally anyway,but losing my boyfriend shook me to my core. Ever felt like maybe u should be locked up in an asylum? That's how I've been feeling for months. I miss him all the time. The grief was ROUGH on me. I barely ate anything for days..maybe a week. I can't remember how long I did that for,but it was enough to make me lose weight apparently. It's been 6 months since this happened,and to this DAY, those who know me; see me around almost daily, continue to tell me that I lost weight. I don't know how it is I'm still losing weight when I eat again,and I drink soda too. I went right back to same habits I had prior to losing my boyfriend,but I'm still being told that I look thinner; I lost weight. Anyway, point is, I've been battling anger along w/depression. I have been struggling,trying not be angry w/God for taking my boyfriend after BEGGING him not to. I said, "what's the point in bringing a wonderful man into my life just to take him away from me again? What kinda "gift" do u take back?" That hardly seems fair!

Anyway, my friends, Brandy and Sherry talked me into going to their church w/them sometime,and I'm glad I did because I like it there. At 1st I felt like an imposter. Going to church and all when I don't have as much faith as my friends. I'm not CONVINCED like they are,and I don't like "going thru the motions." I was actually introduced to their pastor,and he's a total sweet heart. I had a counseling session w/him yesterday,and I actually had a great time. He said he just wanted 2 get 2 know me,and not push any religion on me. He reminded me of something I knew anyway: That a relationship w/God is different from religion. He told me about his own testimony..and apparently he was an atheist at 1 time. I can't imagine any PASTOR ever having been an atheist at 1 time. That's cool! =) I also worry about my boyfriend's eternity because based on what I was taught about salvation and all that, I feared my boyfriend is in trouble. I don't think he had the faith,nore do I think he "accepted" salvation,and tho the pastor and I both talked about this and not knowing where he is, I did tell him how my bf sounded the last time we spoke. He sounded peaceful. He sounded A LOT happier than I've ever heard him sound in the year I've known him. And he told me that peace doesn't come from Satan. It's possible that my boyfriend truly is at peace. I mean he didn't say in those words,but it gave me some hope. I've had so much to think about since that talk. I wish I could get my mom to meet him too coz her faith damn near wiped out just like mine is.

My point is, I am finally feeling more peace of mind. I'm still not there yet in my faith,but my mental anguishes have died down A LOT. I know I was in a pretty good mood for the rest of the day. Even remembering that my boyfriend's birthday is only a few weeks away isn't depressing me like it was before. I feel like I am changing so much. I didn't notice much before,but I def started to change when I met my boyfriend. Maybe around the time I started to fall in love w/him, I really started to change,and I have had people tell me they noticed a change in HIM too. ^_^ I was saying for so long that I've been in love before but not like this. There was something different about THIS time,and I said the same thing when he died. I've had my heart broken before,but never like this. I was always able to make myself get over a guy before,but I couldn't this time,and it was FRUSTRATING! I mean, we didn't break up; he wasn't an ass! But I still stewed over my inability to move on-something I was always good at before. How much sense does it make to still be in love w/a man who's dead? I've also wanted counseling for years,but I wanted christian counseling. I didn't think any other type would help me AT ALL! Being told, "well, think of it this way. u gave the man pleasure/unconditional love,and he needed that." or whatever. That's great! But that still doesn't fill the hole in my heart his death caused. It didn't fix my depression;my grieving.

How does 1 deal w/the death of the 1 person they're in love w/? We're not talking about a relative I haven't seen in years or don't remember/never met. We are talking about my other half. My best friend; my soul mate. You can't treat a death like a break up coz trust me,they're not the same. I can only hope-er pray this sense of peace I'm feeling(it's only a little,but much more than I had for months) will LAST. I don't wanna fall right back into my depression.