A very heartfelt/touching kind of story

I usually only HEAR about other people's heart-felt type stories,but I never thought I'd have my own to tell. These past months..or year or...however far back everything tied to it counts or something, has been very emotional and a big challenge. I met and fell in love w/my best friend from work and so much has happened since then. The beginning of the challenges I guess I could say started before we even started dating. He got to where he would think I said or did something horrible to him and tell me to never talk to him again. I would get upset,fearful of losing my best friend and the love of my life over something I didn't do. In the past,when shit like this happened, I would just give up and walk away before taking on any more hurt but for some reason, I could NOT give up on this 1. I am the QUEEN of giving up usually,but I couldn't give up on HIM. I've wanted to give up and walk away SO many times because I got tired of always having to explain myself to him when I didn't need to. I knew I hadn't done anything wrong and KNEW he was making it all up in his head. It was stressing me out-STILL stresses me out NOW,but I had this voice in my head ALWAYS telling me, "don't give up on him. don't give up on this 1. keep trying. talk to him." so I would keep talking to him and keep thinking he was going to ignore me,but he would actually talk. We were always able to work through the issues and our friendship was saved.

This was BEFORE I found out about the rest that was yet to come. I can't remember how the convo started or y he decided to tell me,but he admitted to me that he was a drug addict. Prolly because he kept getting calls,and it was from the rehab ppl trying to get him to go back. I was once again spending all my time driving him to the airport and then, he had missed his flight,so he was calling me up again asking me to come pick him up and all this nonsense. He had been thru rehab once before since I've known him,and that was when he told me had feelings for me,and I was forced to finally admit my feelings as well. Now that I know he feels the same way, it's safe 2 admit 2 my own. We both have our issues that each of us has 2 accept in order for this to work.  I didn't think he would put up w/a girl who doesn't "put out" or just in general..is awkward like me,but he assured me he didn't care about any of that and just wanted to be w/me. Now it's MY turn to accept HIS flaws. He's a drug addict/alcoholic(at 1 time used to be a smoker),and apparently is very suicidal. It sucks that he has 2 be on meds n stuff in order 2 not be that way. =( I've been through so much w/him. Dealing w/his paranoia. He thinks I lie about so much,and he thinks sometimes I'm cheating on him. None of that is true. I've had to deal w/the PAIN of being accused of things I had never done. OTHER girls he's dated have done this to him,but *I* haven't,and it isn't FAIR to punish me 4 something I didn't do.

I wish he would TRUST me! I've been there for him thru EVERYTHING. y does he STILL not trust me? to make matters worse,he tried to kill himself not too long ago and has been in the hospital since then. He goes home tomorrow tho. he's been in there about 5/6 days now. They've been giving him meds and everything to help him stop thinking like that. I have taken trips on every day I have off to the hospital to go see him. There r 2 times in the day where u can visit w/ppl in there,and I have been going to BOTH of the times they allow for. I've been battling my OWN depression because of what he attempted to do and because he still doesn't trust me. He's so SURE I'm gonna dump him; gonna give up on him,and it seems like he's determined to GET me 2 do just that. He doesn't believe I love him; doesn't believe I'm being faithful to him or nothing. He keeps trying to get me to leave-let me go. Finally, after ALL this hell I went through for him-sticking by his side thru everything...today he has actually told me I'ma  good girlfriend and has THANKED me for not giving up on him,and sticking by his side thru everything. of COURSE! I TOLD u I love u. I TOLD u I would stick by ur side,and I MEAN it! Since before ALL of this happened, I ALWAYS had a voice telling me to NOT give up on him-even when it was w/smaller issues-even when I found out he was using drugs,an alcoholic,and just recently..almost killed himself. Even w/him not TRUSTING me,something still keeps telling me to hold onto him,and I have been. It's what I want. U don't give up on the one(s) u love. I know in my heart that if the tables were turned-if it was ME putting him thru this kind of hell w/what I do to myself,he would stick by my side for moral support no matter what. This is what TRUE love is REALLY all about.

I believe we're both having CONSTANT battles-constant HURDLES thrown our way to test how strong our love for each other REALLY is. I sometimes still get upset and in tears-frustrated a lot over it,but in the end, I always realize we r being tested in the most extreme ways-yet we r being tested.  We r being given a chance to prove the strength of our love to each other. They say God works in mysterious ways,and we not agree w/or like how he works w/-or thru us,but this is perhaps how he has chosen to bring us together-w/purpose and w/tests to allow us to see how much we TRULY love each other. I'm just glad my boyfriend is ok(for now),and I hope he continues to get better and doesn't do these shitty things anymore. I love him so much,and I do NOT wanna lose him-EVER!

where is the man I fell in love with?

Where is the man who I could talk to about anything and have, talked to about everything?
Where is the man who I couldn't get enough of?
Where is the man who was caring and understanding about my feelings and apologized when he was wrong?
Where is the man who LISTENED to me instead of calling me a liar and never trusting me?
Where is the man who defended me from those who hurt me instead of BEING the 1 who hurts me?
Where is the man who actually CARES?
Where is the man who wanted to kick the ass of another man who he thought caused my tears before he knew it was him?
Where is the man who brought a smile and tears of laughter instead of tears of sorrow to my eyes?
Where is the man who had so much potential?
Where is the man I fell in love with?
Whatever happened to him?
I miss him dearly.
He was replaced by this bitter,paranoid, monster who LOOKS like him but can't be him.
What has this monster done with my 1 true love?
Where is he?
 Please bring him back?
I miss him so terribly.
It hurts so bad.

I knew I wasn't meant for relationships

this happens every time doesn't it? I fall in love and pay the price for it,and it's a HEAVY price!
all good guys eventually turn sour don't they? it doesn't last! ever! no matter what I do, it'll never be good enough for u. u act like u can't stand seeing me upset and beg me to come over or call u then "apologize",but then u turn right back around and hurt me again. fuck it! fuck u. and fuck love! I'm DONE! do u understand? DONE! love SUCKS! there is no such thing as "true love." our relationship is always on the rocks because u won't trust me; u won't listen to me when I tell u how it is. how come when we were friends u would listen to me? u would be understanding and sweet,but as a couple u started trusting me less and treating me more like shit? maybe this was a bad idea-we shoulda just stayed friends,but I guess that was impossible considering we both had such strong feelings for each other. there is def no winning and NO peace when u fall in love. ur doomed to become mental,emotional,depressed,bawl ur eyes out,stress out, etc. when u fall in love. y couldn't we just be friends? y did we have to fall in love w/each other and complicate EVERYTHING??!! I wanna stop crying all the time. I wanna stop stressing over rather we will stay together or not. I know ur supposed to fight SOMETIMES in a relationship but not as much as we have. we fight ALL the time it seems. we're hanging on by a thread. and even tho I'm stressed out and getting hurt so much, I still keep fighting-trying to save US because I love u so much, I don't want 2 lose u. I've been feeling this way since before u were even mine and now that u R mine, I'm even more determined through sweat and tears or whatever else 2 keep u. I LOVE u. PLEASE work w/me,and don't leave me?? I wouldn't cry and bitch u out if I didn't care. I wouldn't get upset AT ALL. I'd just shrug my shoulders and walk away. I wish I could do that,but u have my heart,and u have it clenched w/an iron fist that I just can't get thru. Please just TRUST me,and stick by my side. I may be awkward and shy..and terrible at kissing and just plain sucky w/relationships,but I promise u I'll love u more than any other girl ever has or will. I will be so much better 2 u than ur past girlfriends-and I HAVE. I've been hurt too,and u helped heal that. it makes me depressed that I can't do the same for u.

sooo glad for the summer. =)

I'm FINALLY out of school after tomorrow, so I'll FINALLY have all the time in the world 2 spend w/my AMAZING bf. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! =) ^_^ my honey's finally back home, and I LOVE how his dad rides his ass and basically tells him all the same shit I try to tell HIM. STAY CLEAN!! I hope he STICKS 2 it this time! please? I don't wanna lose u . =( We spent the majority of the day at the beach together, yesterday. I LOVED that day! we had sooo much fun(altho I pulled muscles when I swam =( ). he told me the same thing I heard from on my moron ex(,but it means more coming from HIM)- that I'm the ONLY girlfriend his dad has ever actually liked. My heart MELTED when he said his dad told him 2 stay clean for me. like, "if u really love this girl, u need to stay clean for her coz she's not gonna put up w/u doing this forever." or something like that,and i was like, "AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" ^_^ how sweet! I reminded him he needed to do so for his kids too. He can't be w/me-OR his kids if he's dead.  =( he kept saying he would do whatever it takes 2 be w/me. awww! he keeps reminding me of how I fell in love w/him in the 1st place. I love his sweetness! this man is gonna make me a diabetic u watch. lol ohhh he even wants me 2 meet his family! yay! ^_^ I kinda know his dad,but his other family is in another state. He went from saying his mom and sisters r cool and saying I would like his sisters, to saying he's gonna try to get a hold of his 2 boys for the summer and have them stay w/him,and he asked me if I would wanna meet them. YEAH! I don't think I ever wanna meet his ex tho,but I would LOVE 2 meet his kids,his mom,and his sisters...who ever else he an think of. he even said his dad wants to have a bbq sometime and have me over. HELL YEAH! all that sounds AMAZING! I will soooo do that! yay! ^_^ we even talked about going 2 visit his mom and sisters if we could. either taking a road trip or flying. something. I wanna do ALL these things w/him. YES YES YES a MILLION x's OVER YES!!! ^_^

stuff

since I can't focus, I thought I'd blog a little and see if I can get my typing going.  1st of all, I had some REALLY strange and RANDOM dreams all DAY today up until I had 2 get up for work. The most recent dream I remember having was something about driving in my CAR but w/my family. My dad was driving(as usual),and we were driving on wet roads(I think we were up in the mountains. I live in FLORIDA. there r NO mountains. lol) w/like 3 lanes of traffic but not alot of cars. I remember we actually got BLINDED by another driver's TAIL lights. the driver was a cop,and we were happy when he took off faster down the road away from us. I remember asking, "was that his TAILLIGHTS?" or something and my dad was like, "yep. we got blinded by the cop's tail lights." how do u get blinded by TAIL lights? the dream kinda skips around,and it's just me and my mom trying to find a warm place to sleep for the night and for some reason, we suddenly don't have the car anymore nore my dad. I remember finding some "house" but like ONLY the bathroom was there? I must have somehow missed the home ITSELF...AND the place which I walked thru to GET 2 the bathroom,and I didn't seen an actual CANDLE,but I think the only light there was candle light. like some 19th century crap,but the bathroom was modern.

Anyway, there was a dream I had BEFORE that, that I had forgotten about till something made me think of Gary(my dumb ass ex). In my dream,my job didn't look anything AT ALL like it is( as usual it never does in my dreams). I was kinda more..outside..there was slider doors...I can't remember enough details to make any sense here. I remember somebody mentioned Gary 2 me in the dream, and I curled my lip saying, "oh yeah. I heard that dumb ass works here now." or something. Rob was on break at the time,but I remember wondering how he would react to Gary. Just then, I saw Gary walk up to me. He had spotted me and had this stupid grin on his face as if he thought he got me good or something; as if to say, "HA! and u thought u got away from me. no such luck. =) =D"  he didn't say that tho. I can't remember now WHAT he said to,but he would NOT stop TALKING 2 me. His voice sounded VERY different in the dream too. He didn't have that way- too- laid -back-it's -obvious -I- do- drugs sound to his voice like he used to. He sounded far more "intelligent". At least his VOICE did. He still said stupid THINGS. I can't remember at all WHAT he said,but I do remember thinking, "he's still stupid" when he said shit. I remember finding him annoying and wishing he would go away. I can't recall if I told him I have a new bf now and very HAPPY w/him. Rob DID eventually get back from his break...question is..was Gary still annoying me,or had he walked away by then? I do remember bitching 2 Rob how my asshole ex now works w/us while adding, "I do remember somebody telling me he now works at Sam's Club(which is where I work)". This had got to be at least the 2nd dream I've had where both my ex bf AND my CURRENT bf r both w/me in the same place; at the same time. Wow! =0

my attempts at another diary entry

I saw this movie called, "bulworth",and it is HILARIOUS!  I think it's prolly an old movie..well old enough that it is pointed out to me once again how deprived I am of seeing moves coz I had not only not seen it,but I hadn't heard of it before either. The whole thing is about a senator who is so depressed and miserable that he hires some1 to set up his own assassination because he thinks it's the only way out of what he has to do. Later on tho, he starts to perk up more. He starts eating again and even hangs out w/ppl from the hood, getting high,and eventually acting like a gangsta,and it is HILARIOUS seeing an old white guy try to act like a young black thug...or more appropriately, gangsta! Also, his speeches he starts to give...r a RIOT! I wish politicians would tells u shit like that FOR REAL because it's the TRUTH! Finally! we have a politician who is telling us the truth! There was something else I couldn't help noticing..the wife looked sooo familliar,and it took me most of the movie to finally figure out where I had seen her before. She's the same actress who plays Leonard's mom on "the big bang theory." Not that this has anything to do w/the movie,but at least now I know y she looked so damn familliar.  I like how he not only started rapping at random times everything he wanted to say,but he also started to dress like a gangsta too. It's hilarious! He's at least in his 60's, AND he's a white guy; a respectable SENATOR at that-some1 who is used to the "finer " things in life,and he's now hanging in the projects,and acting like he's black. it's toooooooooooooo funny! =D I TOTALLY love this movie. =) ^_^

I need 2 write!

I know u don't believe me,but I love u. I love u more than u'll ever know...
or in this case-
believe.
I've never been this stubborn with any other guy before like I am with you.
You sometimes stress me out.
Make me cry.
 make me mad.
But I still stick by ur side.
Even when u slipped back into drugs after getting better in rehab,I was pissed off,
but I still stuck around.
You fight with me A LOT coz u get so damned paranoid and don't trust me; don't believe what I tell u.
Still...I stick by ur side. because I LOVE you.
I don't know how to make it any more clear to u that u mean the world to me.
u have tried to get me to break up w/u soooo many times,and I just don't want to.
WHY r u still not convinced I love you??
I don't get it!
will u ever trust me?
u say I make u happy
u say I'm the best thing that ever happened to u
so y do u act like all I do is treat u bad?
I've never once done that to
it's all in ur head, babe
I think we r great together; u just have to TRUST me
PLEASE?

I hate having mixed feelings. =(

It makes me so mad how Rob asks me to come over and hang out,and sometimes he's hanging w/his damn neighbor. Like, y did u bother asking me to come hang out when ur already hanging out w/some1? u KNOW I don't feel comfortable going over there. All u guys do is listen to heavy metal(LOUDLY I might add),have the tv on, talk to each other(I don't talk much coz I just don't fit in w/the crap u guys call "living life". sorry, I don't.),and fucking smoke and drink. I love hanging w/my boyfriend but ONLY w/my boyfriend.  NOT my boyfriend AND HIS NEIGHBOR! >.< It pisses me off! u go thru fucking rehab a million xs, still get back into the drugs while promising me u won't anymore. At the same time ur hanging W/ ppl r going to drag u right back into what u CLAIM u want nothing more to do w/. Also, every time I'm over there, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE! They walk away in the damned kitchen to fucking smoke their shit(and I'm not convinced they're JUST smoking CIGARETTES),and I know they do it so as not to do it front of me and for no other reason. I feel NEGLECTED when I'm over there!! Plus, it pisses me the FUCK OFF that his fucking drug addict friends won't STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM when I'm trying to spend time w/him!! HE'S MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND! DID HE TELL U ASSHOLES HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW??!! do u think maybe we can spend some damned time together???!! I do NOT go to his place to watch him smoke and drink himself to death w/his fucking neighbor! I go there to spend time w/HIM! US! ME AND HIM! THAT'S IT!!! a relationship involves *2* PEOPLE! NOT 3! NOT 5 OR 6 OR 10 OR WHATEVER!! 2!!! I hate having to COMPETE for my boyfriend's attention! It pisses me off! and he wonders y I don't wanna go to his neighbor's place! >.< coz I'm tired of feeling NEGLECTED that's y! I'm tired of sitting there in the living room twittling my thumbs while they go fucking do drugs or something in the kitchen! and u can't tell me ur not doing drugs! if ALL u were doing was smoking CIGARETTES, u wouldn't need to be sneaky about it. As if I don't know. >.< FUCK! really??? I'm so sick of that. >.<

 What really made my blood boil was when I thought he was finally in for the night! We had gotten ready for bed and everything,and his asshole neighbor calls him up AGAIN begging him to come back over when WE HAD JUST GOT IN BED!! >.<  FUCK U! U LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HIM! U SEE HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'M THE GIRLFRIEND! WHILE I AM HERE, HE IS MINE! GOT IT??!! >.< Rob couldn't figure out y I was so pissed off last night. COZ I WANT U AND ME TIME, THAT'S Y! AND I'M NOT GETTING IT! ur damned neighbor and ur damned other drug addict "friends" won't stop fucking calling u every few min. I can't get ANY alone time w/u or much of it! THAT'S Y!!! I dunno what to do. I don't wanna give up on him. I love him,and as a girlfriend but also as a friend,u don't give up on some1...especially when they need ur support/encouragement or whatever. i know he's told me I can leave him any time coz he doesn't want me involved in his shit,but I KNOW I won't be any happier if I break up w/him. All I'll do is miss him TERRIBLY and still won't be able to get him off my mind. I'll still be working w/him and unable to be anywhere near him w/o wanting to bawl my eyes out. rather I'm w/him or I'm NOT-I will still always feel so emotionally distressed about him. There is NO WAY out! not really. =,(

On the other hand, I still enjoy the convos I have w/him. Like last night, he thought I had issues w/kissing too. No, that I like. I'm just an awkward kisser and am embarassed by it. only reason I hadn't kissed him yet..not till last night anyway when HE went in for it. lol. I had to once again tell him about my asshole ex, gary. how HE basically told me I'm a bad kisser(he's right about that unfortunately). I just had such a  lengthy chat w/him about Asshole,and Rob was like,"wow, this guy fucked u up in the head big time. where did u say he works again? walmart? I wanna go kick his ass." LOL! awwwwwwwww! I thought that was really sweet. =) I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on,but I know that no matter WHAT decision I make(stay w/him; dump him, etc.),I will NEVER stop feeling depressed,angry,upright, etc. about him. I'm DEEPLY IN LOVE w/this man,and it's KILLING me. =(

the conversations I have w/my boyfriend r almost as much fun as the 1s I have w/my bestie, lol.

Last night....
Me: good night, sweet fart. oops. I meant sweet HEART.
Rob: Wow! not cool man. not cool. LOL
Me: hey got a little secret 2 share w/u. I tease u A LOT bcoz I LIKE u! ROFL!
 I just thought I'd share that w/u. It's the best piece of gossip u'll ever hear. lol
Rob: sure it is.
Me: I'm a little drunk...off soda. lol Man I can't wait to 2 c u tomorrow. Yippeee!! lol
Rob: what the? u can get that way from soda? wow!
Kat: ok I'm HYPER. what's the difference? lol
Rob: There's a big difference. lol
Kat: well, it's ME. I can get drunk from soda. lol
Rob: I wish I could be. I would have saved a lot of money. lol
Kat: weeeeeeeee! hee hee!! la la la la LAAAAAAAAA! lol
Rob: wow! r u ok?

Then Today's convo:

Rob: hey I'm not sure if I'm gonna hang out tonight. I will let u know.
Me: did something happen? if ur not sure ur coming or not, I'm wondering if something happened?
Rob: nothing happened. I'm just not sure yet.
I will text u when I get out. I just feel kinda shitty. that's all.
Me: awww I'm sorry. feel better sweet heart. =)
Rob: thanks. that's better than what u called me last nite. lol
Me: I dunno what ur talking about. I didn't do anything. lol
Rob:Right. I almost believe u. lol
Me: I'm innocent I tell u. I protest this accusation. rofl
Rob:  u would. lol
Me: well, I'm not gonna sit here and let u disparage my character. I'm taking my toys and playing somewhere else. ur mean. lmao
Rob: wow! lol
Me: sorry u ended up getting a crazy gf. bet ur wondering what u got urself into now. rofl
Yeah! take that meanie! lol
Rob: I told I like crazy. lol
I like ur brand of crazy. it's the right kind of crazy. lol. yeah I'm ok.

1 of my most random blogs

I feel so stressed out all the time. How is it possible to be so happy yet so depressed and withdrawn at the same time? I got the man I love,so shouldn't I be happy? I am,but for some reason I feel upright and ill at ease too. I haven't been feeling like myself,and my sleep patterns r even worse than usual. I spent the night w/Rob last night,and the whole time he kept having involuntary twitches, like he was shaking so hard at times as if he were shivering. 

He kept wanting to sleep on the floor or in his chair,so he wouldn't keep me up,but I wanted to sleep beside him-holding him. I didn't care about that. The problem I was having was I couldn't stay comfortable in 1 position for too long before I had to turn over again..plus I was freaking hot..then cold..and my throat felt SO. DRY! having to keep swallowing coz u can't get ur throat wet; don't have enough saliva will keep u up too. I had an amazing time tho. I love this man w/all my heart,and I wish I was able to make him see that. I feel better about being able to admit all the things to him that for MONTHS I had been keeping to myself...well at least from HIM anyway, lol. 

It turns out there's a guy at work who kept asking me out for a while,and it seems like he just KNOWS I have a bf or something now coz he doesn't do that anymore. I told Rob about him,and Rob admitted to feeling a little jealous. awww! so cute! he doesn't have to be coz I don't want the other guy...I want HIM! ^_^ All those times I tried my best to hide my feelings from Rob..it had worked too well. He not only didn't think I was in love w/him(and I am),but he thought I hated him. aww! =( I told him I had been working my ass off to keep my secret safe. He admitted he thought I hated him. I knew he did even then,but I didn't know how to tell him I didn't hate him at all without admitting I love him. I finally told him that all my efforts to keep him from finding out how I felt about him made me look bad. It made it seem as if I didn't like him at all. =( We even had a good laugh over Charity. I told him she figured me out long ago..before she even knew me very well,and how she had been riding my ass to tell him how I feel about him since then. She told me herself and then Rob told me again last night how he was waiting for her to get out of the bathroom,so he could start cleaning and when she came out, she suddenly told him, "ya know, she just GLOWS whenever she talks about u." aww! that was cute! Rob said he had been having a bad day,so that made him feel better when she told him that. How sweet! ^_^

I think it sucks how Rob thinks I'm so concerned w/what other ppl think. As if I have a reputation to protect, and dating him is "killing" it. wtf? The only reason I get bent out of shape over the rumors is because they r a threat to our relationship. He seems to believe a lot of the shit they say about me. I told him that. I said I don't give a flying fuck what THEY think; I care what HE thinks. He seems to believe them,and that puts a MAJOR strain on our relationship. Even when we were just friends, it put a huge strain on that too,and it's been like this for MONTHS! I'm worried I'm gonna lose him over the stupid shit ppl at work say.
 =(