I hate having mixed feelings. =(

It makes me so mad how Rob asks me to come over and hang out,and sometimes he's hanging w/his damn neighbor. Like, y did u bother asking me to come hang out when ur already hanging out w/some1? u KNOW I don't feel comfortable going over there. All u guys do is listen to heavy metal(LOUDLY I might add),have the tv on, talk to each other(I don't talk much coz I just don't fit in w/the crap u guys call "living life". sorry, I don't.),and fucking smoke and drink. I love hanging w/my boyfriend but ONLY w/my boyfriend.  NOT my boyfriend AND HIS NEIGHBOR! >.< It pisses me off! u go thru fucking rehab a million xs, still get back into the drugs while promising me u won't anymore. At the same time ur hanging W/ ppl r going to drag u right back into what u CLAIM u want nothing more to do w/. Also, every time I'm over there, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE! They walk away in the damned kitchen to fucking smoke their shit(and I'm not convinced they're JUST smoking CIGARETTES),and I know they do it so as not to do it front of me and for no other reason. I feel NEGLECTED when I'm over there!! Plus, it pisses me the FUCK OFF that his fucking drug addict friends won't STOP FUCKING CALLING HIM when I'm trying to spend time w/him!! HE'S MY FUCKING BOYFRIEND! DID HE TELL U ASSHOLES HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND NOW??!! do u think maybe we can spend some damned time together???!! I do NOT go to his place to watch him smoke and drink himself to death w/his fucking neighbor! I go there to spend time w/HIM! US! ME AND HIM! THAT'S IT!!! a relationship involves *2* PEOPLE! NOT 3! NOT 5 OR 6 OR 10 OR WHATEVER!! 2!!! I hate having to COMPETE for my boyfriend's attention! It pisses me off! and he wonders y I don't wanna go to his neighbor's place! >.< coz I'm tired of feeling NEGLECTED that's y! I'm tired of sitting there in the living room twittling my thumbs while they go fucking do drugs or something in the kitchen! and u can't tell me ur not doing drugs! if ALL u were doing was smoking CIGARETTES, u wouldn't need to be sneaky about it. As if I don't know. >.< FUCK! really??? I'm so sick of that. >.<

 What really made my blood boil was when I thought he was finally in for the night! We had gotten ready for bed and everything,and his asshole neighbor calls him up AGAIN begging him to come back over when WE HAD JUST GOT IN BED!! >.<  FUCK U! U LIVE NEXT DOOR TO HIM! U SEE HIM ALL THE FUCKING TIME! I'M THE GIRLFRIEND! WHILE I AM HERE, HE IS MINE! GOT IT??!! >.< Rob couldn't figure out y I was so pissed off last night. COZ I WANT U AND ME TIME, THAT'S Y! AND I'M NOT GETTING IT! ur damned neighbor and ur damned other drug addict "friends" won't stop fucking calling u every few min. I can't get ANY alone time w/u or much of it! THAT'S Y!!! I dunno what to do. I don't wanna give up on him. I love him,and as a girlfriend but also as a friend,u don't give up on some1...especially when they need ur support/encouragement or whatever. i know he's told me I can leave him any time coz he doesn't want me involved in his shit,but I KNOW I won't be any happier if I break up w/him. All I'll do is miss him TERRIBLY and still won't be able to get him off my mind. I'll still be working w/him and unable to be anywhere near him w/o wanting to bawl my eyes out. rather I'm w/him or I'm NOT-I will still always feel so emotionally distressed about him. There is NO WAY out! not really. =,(

On the other hand, I still enjoy the convos I have w/him. Like last night, he thought I had issues w/kissing too. No, that I like. I'm just an awkward kisser and am embarassed by it. only reason I hadn't kissed him yet..not till last night anyway when HE went in for it. lol. I had to once again tell him about my asshole ex, gary. how HE basically told me I'm a bad kisser(he's right about that unfortunately). I just had such a  lengthy chat w/him about Asshole,and Rob was like,"wow, this guy fucked u up in the head big time. where did u say he works again? walmart? I wanna go kick his ass." LOL! awwwwwwwww! I thought that was really sweet. =) I wish I could get off this emotional roller coaster ride I'm on,but I know that no matter WHAT decision I make(stay w/him; dump him, etc.),I will NEVER stop feeling depressed,angry,upright, etc. about him. I'm DEEPLY IN LOVE w/this man,and it's KILLING me. =(