Taking a Break

Gatta take a break from this research assignment I'm trying to get done. My mind is too busy wandering away towards things I can't get off my mind. 1st of all,I'm bummed out.  My cool manager will NOT be coming back like I thought. He was only supposed to be gone a few months,but it turns out he's STAYING at that other store.  Bummer. =( Some other things...there's only 1 person that wants to set me up w/a certain coworker of mine,but there's ANOTHER coworker that every1 ELSE seems to have their mind set on hooking me up w/. lol  The thing is,this used to be annoying,but now I'm finding I kinda like it. I mean, I LIKE him! At 1st I was hem- hawing around and not sure what I thought of him. He's sweet. He's cool,and he's fun to hang around,but that doesn't mean I LIKE him. Turns out I do,lol. I think I actually blushed a little when ppl have told me we make a cute couple. I've had 3 diff people tell me that. The 1st 1 thought we look cute together mainly because we're both short. lol suuuure,having a guy just as short as me TOTALLY makes him my soul mate. LOL. Ok,so he's a gentleman,and he's silly,plus I can make HIM laugh,too which,for some reason, I like. lol. He's def cute! ^_^

The only draw back(as far as I know) is he smokes. I can't imagine kisses would be too yummy when u kiss a smoker. I'm just sayin... lol Besides that,I find that I'm thinking about him alot more ,lately. What really proved to me I'm crushing on him,is having to fight a huge smile from crossing my face when I saw him. I got like that when another friend of ours told me SHE told HIM the same thing every1 else tells me,NOW: "u 2 look cute together. u should try to get w/her." OMG! *blushes* please, no? I can't be in a relationship,and u know Y. SHE knows y. I've told her,and she seems to get it. But at the same time,I REALLY LIKE this guy. I'm just afraid if we DO date,it'll like be w/Gary all over again: He seems to sweet,and we have fun together joking at work and such,but when we try dating outside of work,all that changes. He becomes my worst nightmare,and we always fight over stupid shit. He's always PRESSURING me,and I'm freaking out,which makes me more bitchy and whiny,etc. Then he stops talking to me;giving me the silent treatment because I'm not telling him what he wants to hear,etc. I just don't wanna go thru that again w/another guy,and that's what I'm afraid will happen. =( If there's 1 thing I've learned, I can't let ANY1 THAT close to me. I can have all the friends in the world,but I can't have a soul mate; a "love of my life." a boyfriend. Whatever label u wanna use for it,I can't have 1. It's ALWAYS doomed to fail,and I just don't wanna get hurt again,and grow even MORE bitter and MORE distrusting. =( I don't know what to do. I know I need to watch my back,and stay away from relationships,but I really,REALLY, LIKE this guy. Alot!

Even today,when we were cleaning the stupid bathrooms,he walked over to get something from the cart or whatever,and I found myself grinning like crazy. actually,EVERY time I look at him,I start grinning like crazy and start feeling kinda loopy. NOOOOOOOOOOOO! please no?! I don't wanna feel this way. I KNOW there is a price to pay; consequences for dating/having a bf,and I don't wanna have to deal w/that. I'm scared as HELL,and I don't like it. I just don't know what to do. =(