I hate every little way I feel lately!

WHY is it I still wish I could(re-meet) and get 2 know a guy I haven't seen in 7 years and doesn't remember me? I'm not crushing on him again like back then. That's in the PAST. I've usually had no problem getting over a guy and leaving him IN the past?? WHY do I wanna get 2 know him so bad? WHY do I wanna go back to Illinois and hopefully run into him while I'm there?? WHY do I now want 2 meet his family so bad?? What is it ABOUT these ppl(who I have NEVER met) that makes me pray on it/wish so bad I could meet them?? I cannot BELIEVE how INSANE I am going! Is this a symptom of GRIEF? why is it I can't keep much of ANYTHING to myself? I know damn good and well that ppl r gonna think I am CRAAAAAZY when I say this shit out loud! WHY did I have 2 lose my boyfriend in the 1st place? yeah, I stressed out and had my fights w/him at times,but I was HAPPY!! WHY did I have to be robbed of my happiness??? I've been going out of my MIND(even worse than usual) since he died! It isn't fair! I hate how UNHAPPY I feel when I go to work. I used to LOVE going into that place,but now I HATE it; I resent it! I spend most of the day in a fit of rage and wanting 2 punch some1 out. Other times, I am OK;calm or mellow-like. And the other half my day running off to the bathroom so many times to cry. I MISS HIM,and it's driving me CRAAAAAZY!! >.<  =(  I want to run away but have no where to go(no money or time),and I still can't get away from the MEMORIES!! =( There is far too much death going on this year! each and every death I hear about drives me INSANE because it makes me re-live the news that the LOVE OF MY LIFE passed away! =,( I just can't find much comfort for long no matter where I turn. I don't even have awesome daydreams to get me thru the crap that is reality coz I used 2 have so many fantasies about a man I was falling in love w/so quickly who FINALLY became mine,but a few months later dies on me. It sucks!! =,( I want to run away and get out of town somehow! I just want to leave an travel the world..and just keep traveling! bouncing around from place to place before I have a chance to get 2 close 2 ppl I meet coz I just don't want anymore attachments to any1. >.<  =( I want to get RELIEF,but I just CAN'T! =,(