general blogging

I dunno what's going on w/me today. I felt...what exactly was it? tired? depressed? I'm not sure. All I know is I had a hard time trying to do my usual chatting and picking on Rob,today. lol. I was kinda like I am when I've had ginko pills in my system for about a week except, I didn't have any ginkos,recently. I started to get a little better towards the evening I guess,but that was just ODD for me. I usually can't STOP talking to Rob. I'm ADDICTED to talking to him; I can't get enough of him. lol. Altho, I must say, when we were standing next to each other by the bathrooms,just kinda chilling for a min.,he was kinda looking away,but I could still see his eyes.  Like REALLY SEE them. He has gorgeous eyes. I'm just sayin. =)

Yes,he has brown eyes,and most ppl don't think brown eyes are beautiful,but I do. There's just something about DARK eyes. They're very appealing to me,especially HIS dark eyes. ^_^ =D lol. I have to ask myself the same thing Charity asks me quite often: am I ever gonna tell him? I'm thinking prolly not. I have too many issues,anxities and fears. etc. I just CAN'T be in a relationship,but I know if I let him go I'm gonna regret it. I think I will. I have to let so many other guys before and was felt RELIEF when I did. I KNEW it was the right thing to do,yet I think if I let THIS 1 go,I'm gonna regret it so bad. I'm only hurting myself,but I'm just so SCARED of the "REQUIREMENT" in relationships. I have ISSUES w/that,and I don't know if I'll ever overcome them. =( Rob chose a "FINE" time to hit 1 of his paranoid moments.
He had just left work,and I was still AT work when he had texted me telling me not talk to him anymore bcoz he THOUGHT I had  said something bad about him. I had gotten UPSET. It's  1st reaction. If I had been on break or at home,I would have had time to get over the emotional part of my reaction and went straight to logic. Also,I had been EXHAUSTED that day which didn't help. I was real upset,and 1 f my coworkers saw the look on my face and asked me what was wrong. All I had told her was that it sucks falling in love when u KNOW it's NEVER meant to be. I don't think I told her EXACTLY what happened that had me near in tears.

It seems like a silly thing to get upset over,but what other kind of response does one have to her best friend/the guy she's in love w/, telling her to not talk to him anymore? That HURTS! Anyway,this girl asked me how things r w/me n him tonight. She called him my boyfriend. LOL. I felt embarassed having to admit he's NOT my bf, but I AM in love w/him. The convo lead up to me telling her how much I HATED falling in love when I know damn good and well I'm not meant for a relationship. Then she tried to tell me that there's some1 for every1. Yeah right. Not if u have a PHOBIA to sex and pregnancy...but mostly sex! NO MAN is gonna accept that about me. NONE!

All men want some1 willing to put out,and I don't wanna do that. Not yet. I dunno if ever. It freaks me out pretty bad. It shouldn't,and it's weird that it does. But I have to accept that it does,and so does any guy I end up w/. It's something I'm gonna have to SERIOUSLY work on. I dunno what to do. I don't wanna be stressing thru the whole relationship wondering how long he's gonna put up w/me being scared like this before he gets frustrated and finally dumps me,but I don't wanna let him go either. He's my best friend. I feel like I can talk to him about ANYTHING. We just GET each other most of the time. I can't ever get enough of being around him. He makes me laughs. He notices stupid little scratches I get and asks me if I'm ok/how I got em. He DEFENDS me. He's sweet. He actually LISTENS to me and can be reasoned w/. He's soooo much of what I desire in a man,but is he REALLY "the 1"? or am I only setting myself up for heartbreak AND humiliation? =(

My 1 coworker is still sure there is some1 out for every1. Um not for ppl who have issues w/sexuality there isn't. =( What I told her was "not for skittish ppl." she still believes there is some1 for EVERY1-regardless of the stupid issues we have. I dunno what to do. I SWEAR my feelings have been growing stronger everyday and for the past 5 months at least! That is a REALLY LONG time to hold feelings back,but I have LOTS of practice! lol. Oh my GOD, I miss him right now! Even tho I JUST SAW him tonight,I miss him anyway. On his way out tonight, I said "see ya later." to him and he's all like "Freedom." but he says it in this deeper half grunt kinda way,and he cracked me up. I really freakin love him. ^_^ =) lol