I was hoping blogging might help...

I have 2 major assignments to do from 2 different classes: 1. is a power point research thing for oceanography,and the other is a memoir I must write about myself,for english class. I can't seem to focus. My brain is everywhere,so I was hoping if I blogged for a bit,I would clear my head better; get "warmed up" if u will,and be able to come up w/something. I've been thinking,after writing the beginning of this, maybe I can make my memoir about my a.d.d. ness,then again,I have had far more interesting things happen in my lfie time that I would prolly enjoy writing about,instead. However,the essay isn't due until the 20th,but the research power point is due by next Tues.,so I guess I need to focus on that 1st. that and the math hw. my head is reeling right now. I H8 not being able to focus. it drives me NUTS! I wanna be more focused and not have my mind always wandering. Wandering to my job,and the guys that I work w/(1 in particular I'm a little sweet on),and wandering to me getting my license. There's also the trip to Atlanta that a friend of mine is talking about taking,and I would LOVE to go w/her. I want so BAD to visit Atlanta,and I would be devastated if I didn't get to go. See? there is ALWAYS something on my mind. My thoughts race constantly. I can spend anywhere from a few min to a few HOURS thinking about 1 thing and having millions of others thoughts linked to that1 at the same time,or I can sit there and have MULTIPLE thoughts about zillions of different things. It can be quite entertaining,but it can also be quite maddening; it drives me CRAZY,sometimes. I wish I wasn't some1 who over thinks things,but I am,and it frustrates me to no end. I have ppl tell me to not over think things,but it's not that easy. I just can't seem to slow my brain down a little. It spits out so many thoughts per/second that,I SWEAR it goes faster than the speed of light. I would LOVE to be tested for a.d.d. It would be interesting to find out if I have it or not. I don't know. I just know it drives me fricking NUTS! especially when I'm such a slow thinker on TESTS!! How can I have such speedy thoughts in GENERAL,but be so slow on a test?? >.< Ok,I think this little bit of bloggin helped. Maybe I can focus on my assignment,now..... I hope, lol.

what DO I think about?

All my coworkers are used to me smiling and being happy all the time,so when I DON'T smile they wanna know why? Sometimes,I don't smile because I'm depressed/pissed off,but other times I don't smile,but I don't frown,either. I just have no particular look on my face. This usually happens when I'm deep in thought. I tend to think..ALOT!  In fact.my thoughts are usually so MANY and so fast. ZIP! ZIP! kinda like that! I also tend to over think every thing. It can be REALLY annoying at times,and other times it saves me. I get so bored and miserable in certain situations,and having thoughts that never end; being easily distracted, makes my time speed up a little more for me. Anyway, 1 coworker told me to smile(because I wasn't smiling this 1 time.) I half made a joke about that to another coworker,about how "what? am I supposed to ALWAYS smile?" or something like that. He looked at me seriously and said,"ur usually smiling all the time." He asked me what was wrong. I told him I was fine. It was just that my mind was busy. Like I have a TON of thoughts. So many of them and they speed so much. It can kinda make me dizzy,and they're MY thoughts. lol! He then asked me what I was thinking about. I kinda figured I'd end up writing a whole book or exhausting myself trying to tell any1 the details of my thoughts. I really think I might be A.D.D,but I'm not sure. Maybe there's ANOTHER,more LOGICAL, explanation for why my brain spits out thoughts faster than cars on the highway. lol

Anyway,I'm gonna try not to make myself dizzy/exhausted/nauseous,or crazy. I'm gonna attempt to tell u what it is I think about: well....EVERY THING! I think about how much of a romantic I am at heart,and how I wish I could fall in love again but know I can't. I think about how I still have a crush on Grant Wilson(and still have fantasies about him. that's part of my thoughts.) I also have random crushes on some of the guys at work. I think about them,but I also wonder why it is I have more than 1 crush now. I didn't used to have a crush on more than 1 guy at a time like that. It's weird. I started off crushing on my manager and now,I think I am getting a crush on a coworker I work very close w/. We don't just work the same store; we work the same department,too. I also think about my best friend and how much I miss her. I think about getting my license,so I can do my OWN driving finally. I get alot of songs playing in my head at random times. Sometimes I sing along to them. My mind races over what I have to get done and how I'm gonna do it. Every thing from at home situations,to school,to work,to the crushes I have; fantasies I have about spending time w/the guy I like; inventing stories in my head that I actually write out as a comic/poem,or I don't write at all but just keep DAY DREAMING about! I also get certain dreams that will keep coming back to me at random times during the day,and I think about those too,trying to analyze them; trying to interpret them.

I think about my future and what I wanna do. I keep waffling back and forth on what I wanna do w/my life. I often wonder why I am here; what is my purpose. I often feel like I have no purpose. I think about my teeth because I worry about them. I worry about the damage that is being done to them from the wisdom teeth. I especially worry based on the PAIN I'm in,alot. These are all things I THINK about. I've even thought about rather I wanna have children or not. I'm TERRIFIED of pregnancies because of what they DO to the body,yet I don't wanna get fixed either because I MIGHT decide I wanna have children after all. I just think and think and think till it makes my head spin,but I STILL can't seem to slow down the constant stream of thoughts I have. My mind is ALWAYS busy. Even in my sleep I think. I know I still haven't mentioned EVERY THING I think about but if I tried to put down EVERY THING I think about, my head would spin,and I would be here all night typing endlessly in this blog. And to those of u that actually READ this,UR heads would be spinning too. As it is,I've typed ALOT so if u've managed to read this far, congratulations! lol

strange dream

I had this odd dream about a coworker of mine. Maybe I DO like him-atleast a little,anyway and I'll tell ya why: The dream went pretty much like this: I'd spent alot of time hanging out w/him;talking to him,and I could tell we hit it off right away.(we did this in real life too,just yesterday,but at work.) I'm not sure WHERE exactly we were in the dream,but it was like it is at work: I loved talking to him,and we had fun in each other's company. Goofing off,talking about every thing,and just never getting bored w/each other,really. But also, like at work, there were too many people around us in this place we were at,and we had just enough other things to do that I didn't get to hang w/him as much as I would've liked,so I tried to get him to hang out w/me some time OUTSIDE of the place we were at. Now, like me,he prefers to be single(this too is reality as well as the dream),but I only wanted to hang out like friends. I'm not looking for a relationship either,but I know asking him to hang out otherwise,sounded like I was asking him out. I remember asking him if we could hang somewhere else for a while; to have more time to just..talk. that's all I wanted,but I knew right as I asked,how it sounded.

 He smiled in a nervous sort of way as if to say, "I told u before,I prefer to be single." which he actually said too,but I told him I knew that and felt the same way. I just wanna hang out as friends. I'm not asking u to be my boyfriend even tho,that IS how it sounded. lol. He seemed to go w/that after I explained it to him. He acted like he had to do something 1st or something before we left. I followed him to some other guy he randomly walked up to,and he asked the guy if HE would hang out w/me. WHAT???? WHY WOULD U DO THAT??!! At 1st, I went along w/it,but I threw my hands in the air and walked away. I didn't wanna hang w/THAT guy,I wanted to hang w/ HIM! didn't he GET that? For some odd ball reason,I was starting to cry. I'm not IN LOVE w/the guy or anything,but for some reason,it hurt anyway. Even in the dream,I was confused as to why this upset me so much. I guess it was because he lied to me. All he had to do was say he didn't wanna hang or anything. He didn't need to act like he would,and then go get some other dude to hang w/me. wtf? I think I did hang w/that other guy just to act like I was cool w/it,and once I came back, I couldn't pretend to be ok w/it,anymore.

The sad thing is,once I got back,I was pissed off, but I was also in tears. I saw him coming out of the bathroom as I got back and he was trying to avoid me,or he saw how upset I was. Either way, he was half way between walking out and stepping back in. I can't remember exactly how I worded it,but I do know I said something along the lines of: "I need to talk to,and I'll go in the men's room W/u if I have to. I don't care." and that was exactly what I did. I walked in to the men's room w/him and chewed him out for what he did. I was like, "why did u have THAT guy go w/me?? I wanted to hang w/U!! u could have said 'no' if u didn't wanna hang out w/me." I'm pretty sure I had worded it better than that,but I really can't remember,now. =(

 I woke up from this dream thinking... "ooookay." It was WEIRD! I mean,I GAVE UP on finding "true love." I no longer want it,or the requirements that come w/having a boyfriend. And I sure as HELL am not in love w/this guy. There are some things I really like about him,but then there r others. He's 1 of those guys that seems all shy and reserved because that's what he chooses to SHOW at work,but away from work I'm betting he's a completely diff person and not 1 that would be right for me. I doubt he is,so what was up w/that DREAM?? it was WEIRD! Is it just because I hung out w/him all day,yesterday? We do work the same area and for the first time n 2 months,we actually worked practically the same shift together,last night. He's usually on mornings if I see him at all. I did spend much more time w/him than I've ever done before,and we had a great time making jokes about every thing-mostly about a coworker we both find really annoying. lol. I guess yesterday was the culprit of my dream. It's weird tho. The way this dream HAPPENED. It makes me wonder;makes me think. I really wish I was good at interpreting dreams because this 1 dream I would LOVE to get the interpretation to. =)

other parts to my day

Among other things, I actually LIKE my job and the ppl I work w/,and this is why I like them so much: This morning,my 1 coworker and buddy,was prancing around all day carrying a stupid football, lol. He had it w/him all day,so some of my other coworkers started teasing him about it. They asked him if he was in love w/it,and he said, "oh yeah,I'm in love w/this thing. Football's the greatest thing in the world. I wanna make love to it." or something like that and then he said, "if only the hole on this ball was bigger." LOL! If that wasn't funny ENOUGH,somebody else said to all of us in the break room,"hey,u know he has a nickname? It's Pencil dick." of course,that got EVERY1 laughing hysterically. omg,I love these people I work w/.  =D LMAO!!!!! XD

Also,I have 1 coworker who I think is really sweet. I can't say I have a crush on him coz I don't think I do. I don't fantasize about him or nothing,but when I am hanging out w/him work,I love it! I like to talk to him. He's so sweet. Even his voice sounds sweet. I dunno how to describe it,but he kinda grows on people. He's just adorable! ^_^ His personality,anyway. Of course,1 of the demo ladies says me n him would make a cute couple just because we're so close on height(he's really short,too.) oh haha. I didn't know when a guy and a girl were so close in height,it made them a match made in heaven; soulmates! really??! LMAO!
However,I wouldn't mind dating him(even tho I've SWORN off dating coworkers.) I figure if I ever really wanted to hang out w/him bad enough,we would have to make a group thing,so no1 would think anything of it,or we would have to meet somewhere on our day off or something. Somewhere where no1 will see us coz I HATE the rumors and annoying questions that come from coworkers that see u spending time w/another coworker. It's ANNOYING! >.<

The other weird thing too,tho is I find myself wanting so BAD to hug him. I dunno y. He's like a teddy bear I guess so like a teddy bear,he tempts me into wanting to cuddle w/him. weird,eh? lol Maybe it's because he's so mysterious. I find that I wanna hang out w/him; I wanna get to know him MORE. I wanna know what kind of things he hides. He def seems the type to have sort of HISTORY that keeps as many ppl from knowing about as possible. I dunno. I just think he's COOL! =)
I usually get mad and kind of offended when some1 gets kinda irritated w/me. Especially,when I'm trying my best or think I'm doing a good job,and they don't. But on the rare occasions he gets a little moody w/me,instead of wanting to argue back,and put him in his place like I do w/most any1else,I just wanna give him a big ol hug,and ask him if he's ok. Ask him what's wrong. That just isn't LIKE me. I've been so angry and withdrawn and hateful of ppl. I wonder what's been mellowing me out,lately? I'm suddenly the peace maker,and I'm glad for that. coz I got SICK of being the "heart less bitch" I thought I had become; the bitch I TRIED to become,so that I could protect myself; protect my HEART. It's weird. I don't think I recognize myself anymore and for the 1st time,I like it. =) ^_^

what a day I had,today!

I always feel like I'm skating very thin,ice when this 1 coworker of mine; like if either myself or any1else tries to make any sort of suggestion,or show him something,he'll get pissed off,and jump ur shit. We've all,myself included,have been there alot longer than he has. at least in maintenance(he's worked here before,and in every OTHER part of the store,EXCEPT maintenance.) Ever since this man started,I've tried to show him the ropes;get him familliar w/every thing we do and is expected to be done,but it's like he doesn't wanna hear any of it. It's always, "Oh,I've got it." "Don't worry,I know/it's already been done." I don't feel like he ever listens to me,or that he's much of a help to any of us. Turns out,it isn't just ME. another coworker of mine in the same area,is getting frustrated w/him,too.

He also feels like he's being flat out ignored and like me as well,we're dealing w/ a "know-it-all." It's annoying! He can say all he wants,but I know he ended up taking the maintenance keys home w/him last night because he was the LAST person to have them,and I didn't see them again for the rest of the night,last night. my 1 coworker who was here before EITHER of us this morning, ALSO couldn't find the keys; was searching frantically for them like I was the night before. I feel sorry for this guy,coz he's really sweet and(in my opinion,) didn't deserve what he got this morning. The guy that lost the keys for us the other night,jumped HIS shit because he asked him(politely too,I might add) AGAIN about the keys because this time, *I* was there,so he could talk to BOTH of us. That was the point. He got pissed off,and started yelling and cussing at him. Poor guy. =( Anyway,this guy seems to be bipolar or something.

It's weird how he can be laid back,silly,and preaching about how life's too short to be angry/depressed all the time 1 second,and the next,he's flying off the handle at some1. The other guy, and I both think that he's lying to both of us,and that's y he got so pissed off and took it personal. It's VERY understandable if u accidentally took the keys home. I did that once myself. It's no big deal. What IS a big deal is him LYING about it. He swears up and down he turned em in before he left,and they were hanging in our little maintenance closet. Well, they weren't on the cart,and they CERTAINLY weren't hanging around anywhere ELSE in there. It's a small closet; we're not LIKELY to miss ANYTHING,INCLUDING the keys in there. We couldn't have BOTH been blind. Low and behold,the keys finally showed back up when HE showed up today. Lovely,aint it? -_- I'm just gonna go behind him,and make sure everything is done from now on. I'll do everything W/O him as much as possible because I don't feel like I can count on him for ANYTHING! -_-

I feel so...ALONE!

I feel so alone;I feel neglected. I dislike ppl because most of them are stupid and never understand me; never even TRY to understand me. As much as I like to be alone,I still get lonely,and I hate it. Why must we as people NEED others. Why is it so hard to be..ALONE? FOREVER,alone. Why must we get so lonely,and slip into a depression if we're lonely for long enough? It's so CONFUSING;so FRUSTRATING to despise people,yet be a social butterfly at the same time. I wanna stay away from people for various reasons, but no matter how UNDERSTANDING my reasons are,no matter how much I convince myself it's best,I still get lonely; I still need the company of another human being. I have my pets,and I think animals make for far better company than people because, they're loyal and don't expect u to do/be something ur not or don't want to do/be. But it doesn't matter. I still CRAVE the companionship of another person which I hate,coz there's always string attached to having some1 in ur life: they want u to jump thru all these hoops to keep them around,or they walk back out of ur life as fast as they walked into it; they get sick of u and just up and leave,or they replace u,and then act like u 2 never met; it's like u never existed,and u never had a history together. It sucks. =(

My best friend is almost NEVER online,and she was the only 1 I liked talking to. Nobody else ever wants to talk and if they do,it's only to argue w/me because they don't like my political opinions. I deleted my facebook page,and that's WHY! I never got THAT stressed out on myspace! Maybe some of my friends don't like that I deleted fb,but oh well. U didn't talk to me/were online anyway,and when u did talk to me,it was to ARGUE! People won't walk to me online,anyway. They ONLY talk to me in person,so why am I bothering w/ fb? just so u can STALK me; find out what I'm doing? Not so u can actually KEEP.IN. TOUCH?? FUCK NO! that's POINTLESS! what's the point in that?? I'm not a celebrity; 1 who's life ur supposed to keep tabs on at all times. WTF?? I have to admit,I've been feeling a little less stressed; a little more relief, since I cancelled my account. I still feel lonely tho. no surprise there. not like any1's EVER around to talk to anyway. Not my best friend at least. She's the only 1 anymore I like to talk to. My cousin sometimes too,but she's never online to talk to either. I miss my friends. I miss HANGING OUT,not having to talk thru a SCREEN! I'm just sick of people,and I'm def sick of LONGING for some1's company when I'm TRYING to be antisocial. >.<

Reasons I Can't Have a Boyfriend

I get asked quite OFTEN why I am single; why I want to STAY single,and I always feel breathless beofre I even BEGIN explaining to the person my reasons. The reason for this is because I have FAR TOO MANY reasons for staying single. Whenever some1 has asked me this,I have often told them(or thought to myself)," if I told u Y I was single,we would be here all day.  In fact, I would have to write u a long list or perhaps a novel because that's how many reasons upon REASONS I have for giving up on dating. So,here is my list/novel or whatever u wanna call it for me giving up on finding some1 for me. Warning: this WILL be LONG! lol.

Ok,I'm not putting this as a list,like "Top 10 Reasons" or whatever.

Here it goes:

3 years ago, I made the fatal mistake of dating a coworker. It's fatal because..well,u know how a work place is. ur coworkers will NEVER shut the hell up about the 2 of u. even when it's over between u 2. Anyway, back to my reasons: I've had relationships before that were a big,fat,JOKE; and utter FAILURE if u will. But none of them did DAMAGE to me like this last 1. I dated a guy that,for some reason,I thought was AMAZING! turns out he was just a sweet talker who was very good at SOUNDING convincing but was LOUSY at backing up his words w/actions! When we were just casual friends/aquaintances at work,everything went SMOOTHLY! he was so fun to talk to,and he made me laugh. He seemed so SWEET and funny. (my favorite combination). He was also CUTE,incredibly enough. Ok,the thing was, I could tell this guy really liked me. Something about his reactions to me; the way he smiled at me etc. I dunno. I could just tell he really liked me,and I ended up liking him too. This was AMAZING for me because guys I like NEVER feel the same about me but this time,1  did. =) He kept making it OBVIOUS he was interested in me;wanted to date me but everytime I told him yes,and every time we would plan where to go and when,but this asshole would stand me up on dates. I kept STRESSING to him NUMEROUS times that if he can't make it to pick me up,he needs to CALL ME and CANCEL! yet I kept forgiving this asshole time after time after time again. eventually,we got to where we saw more of each other outside of work.

 Everything started to go ok for a while,but it wasn't long before he started to pressuring me. Now,before any bone head out there who lets the media/society BRAIN WASH them to the point that they're gonna judge me,let me point out that I am a CHRISTIAN. even if I wasn't,I would still be old fashioned and stand by this because I have seen FAR TOO MANY women get HURT over giving in like this. I wanna wait till marriage(if I ever get married) before having sex. yeah,yeah, those of u that r brain washed by society and think I'm a "loser" can kiss my ass. I don't tell u how to run UR life,please don't tell me how to run mine? I am what I am. Take me or go. Anyway,he kept pressuring me for sex all the time. It was getting to the point that he was really starting to freak me out. He'd have random mood swings and within SECONDS,he was suddenly "calm" again. We fought all the damn time about me putting out. I didn't want to. I wanna go to college,and make a future for myself. I don't wanna risk getting pregnant and putting my plans on FURTHER hold. I've had ENOUGH delays in my life. Besides,I don't think I should have sex JUST to keep a guy around. I should do it because I WANT to,and I'm READY! Doing ANYTHING because u feel like u HAVE to,will make u resentful,and I KNOW that. I knew it at the time too.

Another thing,he was NOT the 1st creepy,over obsessive,boyfriend I've had. For some odd ball reason,I had my 1st boyfriend when I was 11. I was prolly pressured/guilted into that 1,too. He was some(seemingly) nice guy that I met at school at a time when I had no friends and worse, I couldn't have 1 day of peace at school. Everyday from the bus,to classes,to IN BETWEEN classes,some jackass thugs at my school were ALWAYS trying to jump my shit. LITERALLY! I got bullied and harassed on a DAILY basis. Of course this jackass found me at my weakest moment. I thought I was making a friend,but it turned out the guy just wanted me. He wanted in my pants. I was 11,and he was 13. He was cool at 1st,but he really started ti get on my NERVES! He was OBSESSED w/me! He would call me every single day after school. Sometimes I hadn't yet got home or even to my bus stop,before he was calling. Not to mention,he would write me dirty notes about wanting to undress me and all this shit. Soooo "romantic",right? My dad wanted to fucking KILL HIM! I can tell u that. Also, years after the fact,when things finally calmed down,and I was at different schools; was even finally getting more interested in guys,I never had the guts to tell a guy how I felt. I never even had the guts to just go up and talk to him. Try and be friends. When that wasn't bad enough, NO guy I  liked,was EVER interested in me. EVER! That wasn't too bad when all I did was crush a little,but things got ugly when I fell in love for the 1st time in my life. I was 16 years old,in the 10th grade,and I ended up falling heads over heels in love for the very 1st time,and it was w/my friend. I was best buds w/his sister 1st,and our mom were real close friends,too. Let me tell u,THAT was a nightmare waiting to happen. To make a long story short,he found out I liked him,and that was the end of our friendship. =(

It got to where he started avoiding me. He ACTUALLY thought I was stalking him! I admit,I would occassionally try to pass him in between classes,so I could talk to him a little. I wasn't flirting w/him,or saying anything sexual. I wasn't saying or doing anything different that I ALWAYS had before,but it was different since I was in love w/him,and he knew it. =( When that wasn't bad enough,even after I moved away to another town,I still talked to him online,and he would get pissed off at me for NO REASON! he would just suddenly sign offline on me w/o warning. He did this every time I imed him. =( Sometimes he would say things like "STOP THAT/STOP SAYING THAT!" etc. and I'd be like "stop WHAT?" He had more mood swings than a girl on her time of the month. sheesh! every little thing I did pissed him off,and that only started when he found out about my feelings for him. He couldn't hurt me ENOUGH. nope. He then had to get a girlfriend-which ironically,he's married to now.

Now fast forward a few years,and I moved to IL. w/every intention of focusing SOLELY on what I was there for: to get to know my brother,and to earn both-my high school diploma and driver's license while I was there. I didn't wanna think about guys anymore. I just wanted to be left alone to heal from my broken heart. As usual,tho, things didn't go my way. I saw this guy at church that had drawn my attention from the start.  There was something about him I LIKED,but I couldn't figure out what it was. I didn't KNOW him;I didn't even know his NAME. But for some reason,I found myself  DRAWN to him,the way a bug is to a light. I knew I wanted to get to know him. I wanted to talk to him. There was just something about him that I realllly LIKED! He had been looking at me alot because I was new I suppose,and I of course kept looking at HIM. It wasn't until about a month later when I had a cute dream about going to prom w/him,that I realized I was totally crushing on him.
I actually woke up from that dream w/a HUGE smile on my face,and I might have been blushing too.  I sat there not denying it or anything,but letting this information sink in. I really had a thing for this guy. The problem is,I was still too PAINFULLY shy around guys I liked. especially this 1,since I didn't really KNOW him,but I felt like I did. I've never had an INSTANT intuition about a guy, like THAT before. I wanted to get to know him sooooo bad,but I was too chicken shit to talk to him. I couldn't figure out HOW to approach him. He didn't know me after all. I didn't wanna chase off yet ANOTHER guy I liked,so I suffered in silence and continued to not talk to him. I did however,become best buds w/these 2 girls who happened to ALSO be best buds w/HIM,and the wheels in my head started turning. I figured out how to both ask him out,and get over my nerves at the same time. I decided I would ask him to prom-just as friends. I didn't wanna freak him out,and that way we can get to know each other 1 on 1 like I wanted to. HOW I was gonna do it: simple. I was gonna end up talking to him BECAUSE the of the girls we were both friends with. Then he wouldn't suspect a thing. It gave me the PERFECT excuse to talk to him,PLUS it would allow for us to get know each other well enough that by the time it came time to ask him to prom,we should both be comfortable w/each other,and it wouldn't be awkward.

But of course,the crazy fucken ppl I lived w/,who's soul purpose was to make my life hell,sent me home 2 months before prom even started. I didn't get to do ANY of my beautiful plans. didn't get to even TRY. =(
Not to to mention these same assholes used to call me a child molestor because he happened to be a few years younger than me. I had CRUSH on him. that's IT!! I wasn't trying to get in his pants! in fact,that wasn't my plan AT ALL!! Anyway, I've come to the conclusion after every thing else that has happened: it is just NEVER meant to be. I'm not meant to have a soul mate. As far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. -_-
I don't wanna have sex(prolly never),and I def don't wanna have kids.(at least not my own.) All around me,I see ppl who just LIVE w/theit bf/gf and have kids; live like they're married w/o actually getting married. Married couples that have been together for so many years that are NOW sick of each other,and they tell future generations to never get married.

Nobody knows what love is. they only know LUST! it's lust,but they call it "love". I don't believe in true love. It's in FAIRY TALES for a reason! Nobody wants to commit. Nobody wants to WORK to make their relationship strong and long lasting. Every1 wants it to be "easy" all the time,and they RUN at the 1st sign of trouble. Marriages/Relationships...they're not meant to last for life,so y bother? Everyday,all I get is more and more DISCOURAGEMENT about relationships; not enough ENCOURAGEMENT. I'm not sure I ever wanna get married anymore. I have been trying so HARD to keep from ever falling in love again,and I won't give any more guys a chance coz I'm whole heartedly SICK of it! I'm sick of 1 sided feelings! I'm sick of lust disguising itself as "love". I'm sick of lies and heartache. I'm also sick of crushing on guys that r married(which has been happening lately). I'm sick of confusing a crush w/flattery. I've done that too once.

I'm sick of obsessive,clingy guys that won't let me breathe and be myself for a moment. I'm sick of being deceived. I'm just sick of EVERYTHING! I wanted to me immune to falling in love,and I finally succeeded at that. I still crush ALOT,but thank GOODNESS my heart doesn't run away anymore. Now I fear,that if I supposably "met my right guy",I wouldn't have feelings for him,or I would get over a crush I had on him coz I'm so used to resisting. I'm so used to closing my heart off to every1. Now that I'm finally successful at it,I don't know how to reverse it nore do I want to. I know I'm prolly forgetting something,but now u know y I don't wanna be in a relationship. The biggest thing tho,is I KNOW I'll HAVE to have sex which if I'm SINGLE,won't be required at all. Now u know. The truth it out-if u care to read my blog coz I sure as HELL aint gonna explain this in PERSON to anybody. Nobody will understand anyway,so why bother? -_-

HAPPINESS!!!! ^_^

my absolute FAVORITE manager is opening up at a new store for and will be gone for 3 months. It's only been like a week at most since I've last seen him,and I am ALREADY having withdrawls. I like messing w/him and hell,I just LIKE him!! ^_^ To my complete PLEASANT surprise tonight,HE CAME!! He was here in the store tonight!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I was so damned happy,I could shit! LOL XD
I was very excited! I was trying so hard to not start dancing and singing! I was already getting a spring in my step. I almost didn't recognize him coz he was wearing glasses,and I've never seen him in glasses before. Apparently,he was wearing contacts this whole time? I had no idea! he actually looks really CUTE in glasses! I dunno WHAT it is about GLASSES that makes a guy seem more tame;more shy...something! Maybe it's the whole nerdy appearance or something. I dunno. I still can't believe he came to see us tonight!! yay!! ^_^ of course, as USUAL, I messed w/him BIG time!! ROFL!! I'm a brat,and I know it! XD he asked me y I can't ever say hi; y I have to give him a hard time all the time. coz it's FUN to mess w/him that's y!! ROFL!! XD I pick on him alot and have so much fun! I just needed to catch up. LOL!! ok ok,I REALLLLLLLLY like him! I still hate myself for this; I have a crush on a manager...not just that but a MARRIED guy ON TOP of that!! ugh! the disgrace;the shame! -_- lol! oh well,I've had to learn to accept the fact I have a crush on him,and stop letting the guilt get to me. Lately,I crush ALOT,and I have to just ride this crush out till it's done. I can't FIGHT it,and trying to fight my attractions/feelings has never done anything,but stress me the hell out!

 Also,I'm annoyed coz 1 of the demo ladies at work WON'T STOP TRYING TO FIND ME A BOYFRIEND!! she is DRIVING me CRAZY!! she keeps trying to set me up w/1 of my coworkers just because SHE likes him! but I DON'T!! I just said I have a crush on my manager,NOT this other guy she's trying to hook me up w/. However,my manager's married,and the other guy isn't. Plus,she doesn't KNOW I have a crush on the manager. I'm not gonna tell her either. She's a blabber mouth. I'm not telling ANY1 coz word spreads like WILD FIRE! it would get back to him,and I would be sooo HUMILIATED!! Anyway,this woman went so far to tell my coworker that I would rather casually date like friends;no relationship. I told her that just in talking! not so she can tell HIM,and convince him to ask me out!! how many x's do I have to tell this woman I do NOT wanna date right now??! it's MY life!! can I PLEASE decide for MYSELF when to start dating again and who? Is that too much to ASK??!! this woman just DOES. NOT. TAKE. A. HINT!!! >.<  I get the bad feeling: what if said coworker LIKES me,and now this lady is getting his hopes up for nothing! He prolly thinks I like him too,and I'm too shy to say anything,so this woman is helping us both out! that is NOT so,but what if he thinks that?? she has backed me into a corner! Now I will be forced to either go on date I don't wanna go on out of politeness,or I'll have to flat out turn him down; being FORCED to break some1's heart all because 1 busy body woman just won't BUTT OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S PERSONAL LIVES! >.< I thought my Walmart coworkers were bad,but even THEY weren't this bad! SHEESH!! I know I'm gonna have to talk to him A.S.A.P; to set him straight. I don't want him thinking the wrong thing! I don't want him getting his hopes up for nothing,and I def don't wanna go on a date w/a COWORKER! I sworn off that 3 years ago!! Besides,if I go on ANY date,I just KNOW ppl will find out,and we'll be the talk of the whole store;it'll never freaking END!!! I have to nip this in the bud, A.S.A.P.! I hope he works Wednesday,so I can talk to him then. =/

random poem thing

all I want is a guy who will accept me as is.
I want a guy who will be my best friend.
A guy that is honest from the start-INCLUDING about who he is.
A guy that will not pressure me.
A guy that is happy w/just hanging w/me; just cuddling.
I want a guy who will LOVE me,not lust after me,and w/no strings attached; no requirements.
I want a guy who ISN'T brain washed by society; who thinks for himself.
I want a guy w/morals and standards.
I want a guy I can talk to about anything and everything,and never get tired of talking to him.
I want a guy that can make me laugh,and of course I can make him laugh too.
I want a guy who's a little bit shy.

things are finally looking up,and they better STAY that way!

The 1st thing had been about 2 years ago when Target hired me,so I was able to quit that piece of shit job at Walmart. I lost the job at Target tho,shortly after I got my ged,but then I started college and was so much happier! ^_^ I went to school for a while W/O a job and was broke all the time. It kinda sucks. Now,a month ago, I got a new job,and I'm actually HAPPY there. =) I get paid alot more,and get alot more hours. PLUS, I'm treated real well there. Getting to wear whatever I want is DEF a huge plus,not to mention the store actually closes for holidays. EVEN, Easter. =D The job position I'm in allows me to walk around the store,so I'm not stuck in 1 place like I was before. I get pretty decent hours for part time,but I have the option to go full time later if I choose to,and I think it would be in my best interest to do so. w/that said, I should finally have enough of an income that I can move out from home finally! yaaaaay, INDEPENDANCE! ^_^ Also, after looking at the list of things I have to do for my driving test,I think maybe I CAN pass it this time after all. It's way more BASIC than I thought. I have plans and HOPEFULLY, nothing will stand in the way of them this time! =D I'm in college. I have a job again,and it's 1 that I LIKE. I feel more confident in my ability to pass my driving test. I'm feeling so much better right now! Good things happening,PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE continue?? Don't come to a screaming halt like u have in the past? PLEASE??!! I beg of u! I haven't been this happy in a LONG time! PLEASE,for the love of God and all humanity,DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM ME??!!