thoughts...

this is EXACTLY why I hate being in love! it truly IS an emotional misery! 1 of the things involved w/being in love is JEALOUSY! I hate that I even felt that way earlier today. I only just realized how USED to be the ONLY woman I am. I am the only woman in maintenance(besides Lynn who's older ,and I don't see much of her anyway),and I was also the only woman who got 1 on 1 time w/Rob. I never realized it before jealousy reared its ugly head again. =(  I've seen him talk to this girl from the deli before,but he doesn't usualy stand there talking to her ENDLESSLY;asking her if she's ok and shit like that. It was a lot like how it is when WE talk. I don't get to talk to him much since assholes watch us,and we always have to be careful about socializing n such. ALL I wanted to do was let him know I was gonna go to lunch! that was it!! yet I got REALLY irritated when that damn GIRL stood there TALKING to him NONSTOP. HOGGING his attention. I'm ashamed to say I really wanted to gouge her eyes out. I ashamed to say I grumbled under my breathe a few times. things like, "he's MINE, bitch. back off." I laughed at myself coz I realized how ridiculous I was being,but I knew I wasn't entirely kidding. I felt like an angry dog baring my teeth.

 I've seen him talk to her MANY times before w/o feeling so jealous. What was so different about today?? WHY did I feel so JEALOUS??? Maybe because I've been getting him to myself for a WHILE now,something I haven't had before but recently have been getting. I've been getting so used to it. I've been getting used to having him myself and also,when he DOES talk to other ppl BESIDES me,it's usually other GUYS, or ppl he BRIEFLY talks to because it's related to work. I only just realized how much I was used to that. I'm not used to having to share him w/any1 else...ESPECIALLY not another FEMALE!!! >.< the last girl he talked to that often was some1 we r BOTH friends w/,and she's a lesbian anyway. I KNOW she's not competition, PLUS she wanted ME to be w/him anyway. She was 1 of the ppl who thought me and him would make a cute couple. I wish I didn't feel so jealous, so threatened. I feel like I have competition,and I hope I don't. I hope this 1 of those times that it's all in my mind.

Maybe if he was ALREADY mine, I wouldn't feel so jealous,but DAMN did I have to fight some urges.  I had to stare at the floor or something,so I wouldn't end up GLARING at her! lol I know if I were to tell this story to Samantha or ESPECIALLY Charity,she'd be all like, "0_o this is WHY I TOLD u to TELL him how u feel!" Charity especially would run w/this. lol I think maybe the only reason she hasn't been bugging me about confessing my feelings lately is because it's been way too busy w/the holidays n such. lol I'm praying so much that I pass my driving test,so I can get my license. I wanna start hanging out w/Rob sooooooooooo bad! He pretty much just told me he doesn't have much of a life. When I teased him about running away,he told me he wasn't running away anywhere; that he's only in 3 places: work,home,or...didn't catch what the 3rd 1 was he mentioned, lol. I am DEF taking advantage of this when I have my license. I can't wait to start hanging w/him. Maybe, away from the pressures of work and time and other ppl basically,I may finally confess my undying love to him. maybe. not making any promises. I might still chicken out. lol