Not to air my dirty laundry or anything,but I kinda need to see if I can give myself some "self-help", here. This is prolly what a psychologist does,is ask ppl what specific things make them angry and to make a list of what pisses them off so here I go. Let's see if I can get to the root of my own issues and resolve them.
Ok, let's see...I think my frustration go back at LEAST 5-7 years ago.
hmm,maybe it started w/...ok in high school, I had fallen in love for the 1st time,and it was w/a friend of mine. Or so I THOUGHT he was my friend. I started off getting jealous at times because he would hang over this girl at school. She wasn't even pretty. She was some fat,ugly thing.(gatta remember,I was only 16 and in love for the 1st time. I was NOT a very nice person. lol. this was how I thought back then.) I used to think, "She is the type that no guy would look at twice,yet this fucken COW has his attention-even gets hugs from him,and he won't pay a SPECK of attention to ME. I would turn heads of other guys. I turned DOWN other guys because I was holding out for HIM,and instead I'm in competition w/a fat cow. I mean,what's the good of being skinny and beautiful when ur man still won't notice u,and he picks a fattie over u?? it's like a slap to the face.
I was also, in the worstest position to be in...this guy was somebody my mom knew..worse both our mom were FRIENDS. add to that, I was friends w/his sister,1st. If she had ever found out I was crazy about her brother,she might have avoided me like a diesease. lol Ok, the bottom line was: I was head over heel in love w/him,my mom found out(OF COURSE),and she told HIS mom( OF COURSE). At 1st,he just simply teased me about it but eventually,he got to where he ignored me all the time and acted like I had a disease. He went out of his WAY to avoid me. We were friends..that is until I developed feelings for him,and he found out. I was in high school,16 years old,and my emotions were running HIGH.
I started to feel so HEART BROKEN over the way he was treating me,and at the time my family was looking to move to another town,so I was all for it at first coz I just wanted to get away and not ever to even RISK running into him again. I figured the only way I was gonna mend my broken heart was to just LEAVE and start all over. That ended up being a bad idea,coz in the midst of all this, I had been failing required classes that I had to keep re-taking, and I had taken after school classes to catch up on my credits. I had finally caught up on my credits, JUST in time to move in the middle of 11th grade and moved to another county. This county was so fucked up. They required MORE credits to be caught up than the 1 I lived in. Also,they had this BULLSHIT rule: if u have 6 or more unexcused absences for the SEMESTER,u automatically fail. Yep. No matter if u made up the work u missed,did other work,passed ur tests. etc. fuck no! they fail u! which is EXACTLY what they did to me. On top of that, I couldn't pass the FCAT,so I just got sick of beating my head against the wall and at my mother's suggestion, dropped out.
anyway,moving forward, about a yr or 2 after I dropped out, my mom got back in touch w/her stupid bitch of a "friend"(my half bro's mom),and she convinced me to go back to school in another state and try again. She had been right,that it was much easier up north,and I was making friends and adjusting quite well. The problem was,this stupid bitch was STILL holding a grudge on my parents,and she took it out on me the whole time I was there. She verbally abused me all the time,and to add insult to injury,she kicked me out in the middle of the school yr. I never got my high school diploma,and I never got my driver's license. The main 2 things I was up there for. That,and finally getting to meet my brother. Then,shortly after I came back home, I was right back to,not able to pass math,so I can get my GED,and I ended up getting stuck working at walmart. it wasn't TOO bad until we moved yet again,and the store we transferred to,SUCKED! they treated ppl like SHIT! I was so stressed out ALL the time working that place,and trying not strangle stupid ppl. I also made the mistake of dating a coworker who,turned out to be a real ASS,and a real DUMB ass! He was OBSESSED w/sex and marijuana,and partying. I soon realized that in order to have "love" u have to open ur legs for it,so I've ben avoiding relaitonships like the damn plague. I used to be a romantic at heart(kinda still am),but even THAT has been ruined for me coz love is always TAINTED w/sex. Just about every1 in this stupid world knows NOTHING of true love. All they know is LUST/SEX,and w/o it they dump u. So...hmm I never have a good love life or a good financial/independant life. That's another thing that frustrates me,I'm 25,and I can't move out from home. I HATE it! >.<
My parents also drive me bonkers because they want me to be their little Cinderella around the house just because I have no job. well,neither does my mom,but what she mostly does, is scans her pic into the comp,and takes off,sometimes w/her brother,but mostly w/his room mate all day. Wish I had some friends I could take off w/. I'M the young 1 who should be starting her life,here. wtf? Oh yeah,that's the other thing that angers me..just as I should finally be spreading my wings and getting out on my own,it timed PERFECTLY that the economy went under. thx alot! >.< I guess this is y I feel so ANGRY and HOPELESS all the time. I'm pretty sure there is MORE and if I think of it,I post it tomorrow,sometime. >.<
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