I wonder if it's only dreams,or do spirits actually come after me in my sleep?

I had another dream that kinda freaked me out a little,yet I wasn't as terrified as I should be. for YEARS, I've been having "dreams"(I say that w/ quotes because they don't seem like ordinary nightmares) about some1 putting their hands all over me. grabbing me;grabbing an arm,leg or just poking me,and I can't see what or "who" it is. I'm always lying on my back in my bedroom,and it looks EXACTLY my real room;detail for detail-how it would look to me from the perspective it does when I'm awake.  I'm always paralyzed when it touches me. I'm not sure,but I think I dreamt about it again,but this time I saw it if that was the thing.

So, I'm outside this time in my back yard at night,off to the side of the house,and I get into a deep powerful prayer w/God(more powerful than anything I've ever prayed while I was awake),and I think some part me knew I was dreaming because I remember asking God something like, " this prayer counts right? even tho I am dreaming?" anyway,when I was done praying(even ending it w/an "amen " which I never bother to do in reality),and I felt better. I was cheery and walking w/a bounce in my step as I walked back inside.
I have a deck in my back yard,but it was in a different shape and right outside the slider glass door w/no porch like I have in real life.

Anyway I was by myself,and I walked back inside thru the slider glass door. As I stepped in and turned around to close the door,I was caught off guard to suddenly see a "man" standing there looking at me. He wasn't there moments before coz I woulda passed him on the way to the door. He was standing right there on the other side of the slider w/only the slider door between us. I don't know y I didn't jump to slam the door shut. I just backed away,and he TOO CALMLY slid the door open,and walked right in towards me. I backed up but not too far,and he reached out and grabbed my arm. I'm trying to remember what he looked like. either somebody in space suit/scuba diving outfit(like the "old" kind I guess w/the helmet thing),or some old man w/glasses only where u should see eyes,it was..light? white light. I'm not sure. I can't accurately recall how he looked. I was slowly starting to lose the ability to move,but I was still able to move just enough to struggle. I started praying and asking Jesus to get rid of him(which of course didn't happen),but I still had control of my voice. Normally, I can't talk above a raspy whisper and sometimes not at all,but this time, I still had my voice at full volume. I was praying out a sentence,and the 1 sentence,it was like I lost my breath(only I didn't) because I missed 1 of the words in my sentence as my voice gave out,but I immediately got it back in time to get the next word,and I just kept going until I woke up.

Disturbing/Awesome Dreams

Dream #1: I had some strange dreams this morning. I was only sleep maybe an hour at most when I started getting this weird series of dreams. The 1st 1 I think was about Rob. There was about 6-8 picnic tables w/ like 3 or 4 in each row under some outside "roof" like u would see at a park. anyway,some event of some sort was going on because all the tables were FULL. there were LOADS of people sitting at all of them,and I was kinda in the 1 row sorta furthest from the last table in the other row,and I thought I saw ROB sitting at that table. He was wearing the blue and white striped shirt I love so much w/the skull on it in the dream. It looked like him over there sitting,talking and laughing w/the people at that table. There were enough other people kinda in my way blocking my view just enough that I couldn't be sure if it was him,but I started pining away for him all over again. I don't recall speaking out loud,but I felt myself being ansty and almost jumping up and running over there,and I was thinking in my mind and heart, "omg. it's Rob. I miss u so much and love u. I want u back." or something,and he seemed to read my mind coz he suddenly stopped talking and laughing,and he looked right at me and got up just as antsy and fast as I was doing,and he started walking quickly towards me going around the people,but as he was making his way towards me,his appearance started changing. his face AND body changed,and he looked more like 12 or 14 year old boy...not a 12/ 14 yr old version of HIM but a random 12/14 yr old boy,and I started to push him away and said, "never mind. ur not who I thought u were."  but maybe it WAS still him. I don't know,but it was weird.

Dream #2: My dream suddenly flipped over to another a dream. I had some dreams where I'm in my "room",but it's not my real room. However the same exact dim lighting I had on from my desk lamp was the same kinda light in my "room."  my room was set up slightly different from my real room. I was standing by my bed and closet,and the bedroom door was to the right of my closet(in real life,it's to the left of it). It was Carrie. I met her at orientation months ago,and we've been good friends since..she was in my dream opening my door, I heard her talking to somebody I didn't see or hear,and she opened my door only slightly then looked at me,and I looked back then she closed the door and walked out. I can't remember if this was between my dream about Rob,and the next 1 I'm about to tell,or if was after. Anyway this brief bedroom/Carrie opening my door looking at me then leaving dream happened TWICE during my series of dreams. I dreamt about Jason Lee(who is my celebrity crush at the moment),and this guy at work who I also have a major crush on. Anyway, Jason Lee is sitting on the steps of some house,and I'm leaning down to kiss him. Just before our lips touch,the guy I know from work yells out to me, "KATHLEEN! STOP!" or something. I don't remember what he said,but he ran over there and picked me up,and ran back w/me across the street somewhere. He then set me on my feet.  Again..can't remember all he said,but he was grinning and laughing and I guess...flirting w/me. Whatever it was he was about to do,he stopped himself and said, "wait! I'm gonna do this the right way!"  and he started reaching deep down in his pocket,and I wondered if he was about to propose to me. It's weird coz in real life this guy is GAY,and he has a boyfriend. Before I could find out what he was about to do,the dream switched on me AGAIN.

"Dream"  #3? I'm not sure but after the last few dreams, I woke up and intended to grab my dream catcher keychain from the top of my dresser,but I just couldn't make myself get up. My eyes quickly started closing again,and I couldn't fight 2 stay awake; I quickly lost that battle. I think I fully understand sleep paralysis now. My mind was still conscious even tho my body was quickly going back to sleep. I was afraid of what the next dream might be,so I was fighting the whole time and could feel myself going deeper back into sleep,and the paralysis had already started taking effect. I was trying to move and when that didn't work, I successfully opened my mouth(I think. not sure if for real or only in the "dream"),in an attempt to make ANY noise that would wake me back up,but I couldn't utter out a sound. Because I was terrified of what dream I might have,I started praying and begging God to let me wake up. Now mind u,I couldn't SPEAK,so I was praying in my HEAD. As I was praying,my thoughts FORMING,right on cue, I heard voices echoing back at me,saying what I was and kinda mocking the pleaing tone of desperation I would've used if my voice would work. The voices seemed to be speaking on my behalf,yet they sounded like they were MOCKING me. doing a half ass job of imitating my voice,and I saw nobody. Just heard some disembodied strange sounding voices..not so human sounding at all either mocking me or speaking FOR me since my voice wouldn't work. It actually creeped me out enough that when I finally woke up, I forced myself to sit up and stay awake for a WHILE before going back to sleep coz that last 1 seriously creeped me out.

For Rob

why do I keep thinking of u so often? I don't wanna do that anymore.
I gatta finally lay u to rest,but ur memories "haunt" me.
I keep trying to move on,but I'm always thinking about u and running into people or situations that remind me of u.
I meet people with a new england accent or are patriots fans like u were.
I read things online that talk about true love and the perfect guy..all things with which u were and I had with u.
I have a new crush right now,but whenever I daydream about him, u quickly come back to mind.
Most of the time,I'm fine and have gotten used to ur forever absence from my life..
but then before I know it, u have crossed my mind this time in particular,and I start to miss u all over again and have to fight back tears.
u were my everything; our relationship was amazing.
We truly had true love. something our generation rarely ever sees in this crappy modern world.
please let me move on? we are separated forever.
I don't wanna continue being depressed and feeling the void of ur absence.
Just rest in peace,and let me LIVE in peace.
I love u,but I got to let u go.
I will never forget u my love..

you've been gone for nearly 2 years,and I'm still writing poetry about u. I miss u. =,(

the pain never quite goes away. u can bury it deep and knock it unconscious,but u never can really destroy it.
it always come back. when u least expect it..w/a vengeance. ur under the illusion that time has helped u 2 accept he's gone,
but it's only a matter of time before ur thinking about him again,and remembering ur time together and wishing he was still here.
the pain consumes u before u know it.
ur missing him again and wanting to die because living w/the pain is exhausting and stressful and sheer torture. u want him back all the time.
but u can never have him back.
u accept that he's never coming back,and numb ur mind to his loss.
sometimes u numb urself so well that it feels like u made him up. or at the very least, u feel like ur relationship was made up and sometimes even wonder if he even existed to begin w/.
then u start to feel sad because u feel like u are betraying him w/ur desperate attempt to forget him just to ease the pain.
it isn't long before ur driving by his old place or see or hear something else that reminds u of him,and the memories bombard u and remind u that he WAS real. he DID exist and so is the fact that u were indeed a couple,and it's real all over again,and u miss him all over again.
the grief starts all over,and the whole vicious cycle is back. u miss him so much,u feel the stabbing pain in ur heart all over again; the hole in ur heart that was never filled.
only patched over for a while. ur once again trying not 2 curse God for taking him.
u know that no other man will be as good for u or love u like he did;
u know u won't be able to love another man as much as u loved him.
it's a vicious cycle of come and go pain that u know u will live w/for the rest of ur life coz
the memories r forever imprinted in ur mind. true love truly never dies even when ur TRUE LOVE does.

the confusion is definitely at hand here. lol

the big million dollar question about the guy I like is..is he gay or married? I'm mainly confused because not only do I see him hang more around girls than guys,but I've only seen him FLIRT w/women too. That might be confusing. He also wears a gold ring on his left hand,so it appears he's married. However,a friend of mine and I were talking about the types of guys we find attractive,and I said that I like men w/dark hair and dark eyes. Another coworker overheard this and told me that people w/brown eyes are connivers. To which I said that my boyfriend had had brown eyes,and he was a sweet heart. ^_^ Anyway,my cutie team leader (*blushes*) over heard THIS part,and he said, "what does that make me? I have hazel eyes." LOL! Also,my friend mentioned that the world has 1 less amazing guy because my boyfriend died,and this guy says, "what about me? I'm amazing; I'm still alive." aww. I hope that means he might be somewhat interested in me. I doubt it,but it was still cute. lol!! I like him A LOOOOTT!!! omg!! * blushes* I wonder what that means. y would he even care if he's gay or married? He should only be focused on what his spouse thinks of him if he has 1 like I think,or if he's gay,then y would he wanna convince FEMALES that he's amazing? what would be the point? it's not like either of us could date him if he is. see? hence why my blog has CONFUSION in the title. I am really wondering now. lol  I love how he hugged this 1 girl who he's like best buds w/,and this old lady who he cashiered for was like, "did she pay w/cash? is that y she gets a hug?" then he hugged her too..now mind u she's an OLD lady. elderly! and now he's got his ego inflated and tells me he's a ladies man. LOL!! that was freaking hilarious! he is NOT ok. LMAO!! again..do GAY guys even "jokingly" say that they are a ladies man? doesn't seem to me like a truly gay man would even be FLATTERED by the idea of it,and he sure seemed to like that. =) cool beans. he does seem to like women. =D that's a little encouraging.

what's it gonna take to truly move on and get some relief?

 I still love u and miss u for all of my days.
  I crush a lot and am crushing now,but I still miss you.
In the past,getting a new interest made me forget about the past broken heart
but let's face it-what u and I had was too strong; too AMAZING to replace.
u did once tell me to never forget u.
maybe that's what it is. maybe somehow u are "still around" making sure I can't forget u.
no matter what I do. no matter how much I think I've healed and "moved on", u are still on my mind ALL the time.
At night when I'm all alone, I want to dream about u. I stare at ur picture because it makes me feel like you're there looking back at me.
No  matter how much I crush and am able to notice other men again,they still can't take ur place.
You're still the 1 I wanna talk to about everything both good and bad that happens in my life.
I miss u so much and surely will till my last dying breath.
I will likely speak ur name as my last word(s) on my death bed.
I wanna be able to love again and give another man a chance,but no man can ever make me feel the way u did-or satisfy me emotionally and intellectually like u did.
No man can be my BEST FRIEND like u were.
No other man is gonna think as much the same as me as u did.
I miss u so much and sit back an imagine what our future could've been.
I grieve the beauty that was lost when ur life was taken so suddenly.
I can't stand not having u in my life even now,and  it's been almost 2 years.
Even in another 20 -40 years, I'm sure I will still grieve ur loss.
I think about u often,and beg u to come see me in my dreams again but nothing.
I want u back. I'd do anything if I could get u back-
I'd do anything to have saved ur life-prevented ur death in the 1st place, my love.
I miss u miss u MISS U SO BAD!
there was a time when crushing on other guys made me forget a broken heart I had prior to it-but not U.
NO other man can make me forget u.
NO other guy as much as he tries, can take away the pain of losing u.
He could be the most AMAZING guy and treat me well like u did,but he still can't take ur place.
He can't take away the pain losing u has inflicted on me.
I will never stop missing u and longing for u until my last dying breath,my love.

I'm much happier than I've been in a long time. =)

I found a new job at PUBLIX of all places. I've always heard good things about Publix,and I finally get to work there. I love my coworkers. I don't get stupid drama rumors and crap from them like Sam's and Walmart and plus..we get to goof off!! everybody goofs off-including the managers. ^_^ there is 1 team lead(who I thought was a manager. oops).,and...*blushes*...I've kinda got a little crush on him. he is realllllllllly cute,and he is HILARIOUS!!! he dresses all professional and tries to  make u think he's so "mature",but he's really a DORK. YEAH!! MY KINDA GUY!! ^_^ I just hope he isn't taken. Once THAT issue is out of the way(if ever) then I gatta make sure there's not some policy about team leads and employees dating(that is if he's even interested).  I'm not at all looking for a relationship anymore. I just wanna casually date. Go out and hang. Have a good time. Talk and get to know him. That's all I want for now. I just pray to God he's single. I really wanna date him so bad. He's def cool. He's very sweet/easy to talk to,and I get to act like a retard w/him coz he does the same. =)

The other day, he found a half eaten donut abandoned in it's box on the table in the break room,and he finished it off.  lol he started giving this  1 girl a hard time. she has an accent,and he started mocking her accent the way a bratty child would do trying to be annoying/get attention. it was so funny. A few days ago, it was raining,he poked his head out the door to where  I was, looked at me w/narrow eyes and pointed at me.  I said, "what? I didn't do it." He said, "yes u did. u made it rain." LOL!!! then we "argued" back and forth about how the other person made it rain,then he said, "ur right. I made it rain." then he said, "how u dooooooon." in this strange voice and almost in the way Madea talks when she says it or says "halleluyer." He actually made me think of Madea too. OK ok. I'm hooked.  he's cute, he's sweet, AND he's  crazy. shit! that's my kinda guy right there. LOL!! I want so bad to get to know him more but not just at work. I wanna hang out w/him outside of work too. some place just the 2 of us where we can just talk and get to know each other. That would be great if he's just the kinda guy to help me get over the PAIN of losing Rob once and for all. I want to move on already. don't wanna keep being depressed and angry anymore.  I'm also praying he works tomorrow. I really wanna see him. =) =D ^_^ That's all I wanted to state. I really like the guy.  =)

dream or obnoxious spirit?

I have been having this "dream"(and so has my friend) for years about something or someone I can't see that keeps poking me in the ribs,and just plain GRABBING me just for the sake of TOUCHING me I think,and I'm ALWAYS paralyzed.  I can't fight off whatever keeps touching me. I can feel my muscles HURTING from trying to move.  it's like it only wants to grab just to keep me from moving coz I can't move when it touches me. it will just grab me then hold me. it doesn't move me anywhere, it doesn't make any sound whatsoever,it doesn't attack me really..not in the violent sense that I'd think a demon would do. I just don't get it. why has it been bothering me for all these years? what does it want? I've been calling it a bad dream all this time,but why do I keep having it? why does it attack me only at night when I'm in the dark? when I sleep w/the light on or in the day time,I have no issues. It's y I stay up all night. This is also the ONLY "dream" I keep having years and years later,  I can't see what's attacking me,and I can't move to fight it off. Did I mention that I can barely talk? I think I'm starting to get more control of my voice now. In fact, I end up talking in my sleep. I don't think I do that when I'm actually dreaming. I am always wherever I'm currently sleeping(for instance, my room) when this happens.  I do escape when I wake up. I don't sense a presence or anything paranormal at all,but I wonder what the HELL it is?!  I keep wondering if maybe some type of "spirit" is really annoying me all the time? I can't anymore think of a logical explanation for what I'm experiencing..especially since my friend at least 1 other person gets these "dreams" too. =/

it's weird some of the things I remember that I hadn't thought about in a while...

It wasn't too long after my boyfriend's death(maybe a month or 2 after at most) that I had a dream about him. We were in a crowded store,and he was almost as far away from me as from 1 side of the store to the other. It was strange how crowded the store was,yet it wasn't even noisy. Nobody else seemed to notice anything going around them. They didn't notice me,and they didn't notice Rob.

I saw Rob on the other side in a crowd of people looking from 1 left to right like he was looking for something-or someone. I kept watching him a distance kinda frozen like that-not sure how to react and suddenly,it was like he could sense me looking at him coz he finally looked over my way,and our eyes met. As soon as our eyes made contact, he somehow,without a lot of effort, managed to make a bee-line towards me right through the crowd. He would've had to push through people,but none of them noticed,and I don't recall he actually PUSHED through them. He was in a hurry to get me.

Once he got to me,he wasn't even out of breathe or anything,he just looked me in the eye and said, "do u know what happened to me?" This dream didn't seem real,but at least 1 friend thinks he actually visited me in my dream. I remember crying all over again and telling him what his dad had told me and like his dad, I didn't know. The weird thing is I was crying and getting loud in a crowd of people,and NOBODY noticed. In real life, that would catch attention.

 It was like we were BOTH invisible to everyone. We actually walked outside after that and in spite of the crowd inside, it was practically empty in the parking lot. I remember calming down and chatting w/Rob like old times. I had asked him, "have u seen God yet?" and he kinda looked at me as if surprised by my question. He also seemed to have to think about it and said, "umm  I think he's over here.." and he kinda walked over to a spot where there was a dumpster or something there,and he was insinuating maybe God was "behind" whatever that dumpster/wall was. I didn't really wanna go too close to the spot anyway,but I kinda craned my neck a little and somewhat "looked."

 It was then that I woke up from the dream. My friend thinks he actually visited me and that it means he's w/Jesus. Ok, assuming that's true, y did he have to ask me what happened then? wouldn't he already KNOW if he was actually w/God?? It doesn't make sense! =/

just some thoughts...

so while I'm struggling to retain this faith that I supposedly "have", I'm wondering if I'm a hopeless cause, or work in progress? I want to believe fully 100% in God and that he had a son who died for us and saved us,but I must admit..all the atheists I run into make damn good cases that I can't argue. I don't entirely believe either. I've been feeling like I have a curse on me between these creepy dreams of being touched by something or someone I can't see and not being able to fight back coz I can't move,financial crisis like my inability to get AND keep a job,the loss of my boyfriend, and my inability to understand and remember anything at school,it's really taking it's toll on me. I feel like no amount of praying ever does any good; it's like God just doesn't care or doesn't hear me or worse...doesn't exist. However, how did we all get here without some sort of creator? How did the earth,the planets,and the whole solar system-everything come to be without someone or something putting us and them/it all here? I want to believe in the supernatural/spirits so badly because I want there to be an after-life. If this all there is then what's the point of existing? I don't like the idea existing for a little while only to go back into non-existance.  It's easy to see y people get so depressed. I get depressed A LOT and angry.  I know my christian friends def caught on to me being a challenge. sometimes, I think they might feel like I'm a hopeless cause. I'm a negative person who doesn't believe in much,but I just sometimes go thru way too much at once or when I do get blessed, I usually get cursed shortly after..my boyfriend was a good example of that. I found an AMAZING guy who loved me back and proved it.

He accepted me as is and was very patient,supportive,kind,funny,protective,easy to talk to..u name it. That was him. The perfect guy! but he died last year,so here I am being blessed with this wonderful man in my life,and of course,here comes the curse right along w/it coming to take him away from me by ending his life. =( I evny real christians. They know how to be grateful and cheery in spite of the bad that happens to them-they ended up being more blessed than cursed( unlike me),and they believe there really is a heaven and all-powerful being who loves us so much and forgives us no matter how HORRIBLE we are,and that 1 day he will come back and bring justice and peace to the world...for some reason I struggle w/that faith. I feel like if maybe I have an experience with the supernatural,it'll strengthen my faith. I have heard stories of people claiming to have had such experiences who went from atheists to christians,or simply strengthened what little faith they already had. That's what I'm hoping will do it for me coz right now, things don't look good;I can't be convinced. =(